Thank you, reality television, for making my home state look like the classiest and most intelligent place in the country. It started with Myrtle Manor, and then CMT slid thirty minutes down the coast to Murrells Inlet for a little gem called Party Down South. Next week, I'll have the pleasure of recapping Bravo's attempt to ruin the beautiful and historic city I adore with a little train wreck called Southern Charm (it's how the other half live, y'all…and I cannot wait!).
While all of South Carolina is abuzz about the upcoming society-skeeze-fest, those characters up scenic Highway 17 need to make sure they aren't forgotten. Enter the brain trust that is Lyle Boudreaux of Party Down South glory.
Tamron Hall is a saint to moderate the Wives Tell All episode of Sister Wives, but I hate she has to start off immediately asking about the commitment ceremony and that damn mission statement. Of course, Robyn pipes up first with a very canned and rehearsed response. I am so distracted by how much make-up they're all wearing. Has Kody been spray tanning? Is that Botox? It looks like Truely may have done poor Janelle's make-up, and Christine appears to have been styled by Minnie Mouse.
Meri's emotional roller coaster over being an empty nester is revisited. Mariah may be going off to college, but at least she has her wet bar! Meri admits that she still doesn't know what her role will be in the family. She may want to take a sabbatical to find herself. Robyn is angry…she helped Meri raise Mariah, and she wants the favor returned. Kody's face is going to give me nightmares. Robyn thinks that Meri has so much to give to the remaining kids. Meri likens her loss to if one of Kody's wives died, but Kody reminds her that she still talks to Mariah everyday. She needs to get over it.
Imagine…someone in Canada thinks Keeping up with the Kardashians is too crude. Are we watching the same show? Obviously, I'm being sarcastic, although I am not at all surprised by the dirty mouths on Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim, nor do their thong pulling, underwear sniffing, breast leaking antics shock me in the least. How sad is that?
It all started with a "knock knock" joke courtesy of Lord Scott Disick on Keeping up with the Kardashians that aired on October 23 in the middle of the afternoon. He and Kourtney spent part of the episode using donuts and carrots to simulate a certain sex act. Keepin' it klassy, those two! I guess I should give you the warning that there may some offensive jokes and/or language after the jump…you know, the warning that the Canadian version of E! forgot to issue before the episode in question!
It's finally arrived…that dagnabbit commitment ceremony on the finale of Sister Wives.. It certainly took long enough, didn't it? The celebration of Kody Brown and his women is in full force. This party is much bigger than it needs to be I anticipated with 200 guests and multiple items from the rental company…not to mention 7000 individual servings of food. Yes, you read that correctly. Meri's sister is at the helm of the kitchen with her mom is in charge of determining the portion sizes. She loves math. The kitchen looks like a Pinterest nightmare.
The event planner pretends to be excited about the inauguration of the mission statement. The wind is whipping through the cul-de-sac compound, and canvas displays and strings of lights are swirling around like Dorothy's house. Thankfully, fashion designer Sam has enlisted her mother to help with the dresses. I am concerned that Sam is going to snap. Janelle is missing a sleeve and Robyn is missing a dress. Sam has totally given up on the Meri's colossal nightmare. Can you blame her?
It's your update on all things Kardashian–you're over the moon, I'm sure! I promise to bypass any news about Kimand the tiny rapper, and only focus on some of the more tolerable gossip…like Lamar Odom professing that Khloe Kardashian will always be his wife, no matter what! I may even have some sad rumors for you too. Could the eye candy that is Brody Jenner (brother Brandon's just as hot!) be peacing out on Keeping up with the Kardashians? Honestly, he didn't seem overly happy to spend time with Kris Jenner just to get to see father Bruce. And finally, because, hey, everybody's doing it!–KendallandKylie Jenner are dishing on their new young adult novel. Happy weekend, y'all!
Speaking to Us Weekly, Lamar reveals he isn't ready to give up on his marriage. He says, "I love my wife. She'll always be my wife, no matter what. Who knows? We don't know exactly if [the divorce is going through]. Only time will tell. I hope not. But even if we were divorced, she would always be my wife," sharing, "Those were some of the best years of my life. Being married and being married to a woman I decided to marry was, besides having children, the most important thing in my life."
Why in the name of everything that is good would a poor girl subject herself to dating Jax Taylor? The Vanderpump Rules star has proven time and time again to be the worst friend and boyfriend on the planet, yet girls still flock to him. What about the term "sex addict" makes him attractive?
Oh, he's on television! That's right! I guess there are some ladies that wouldn't mind hitching their cart to his fleeting fifteen minutes of fame. I just hope they get tested regularly and don't mind the Stassitattoo on his bicep! Well, one such girl doesn't mind a bit. After dating Jax for a month (it's the real deal, y'all!), Carmen Dickman is already giving "exclusive interviews." Of course she is!
If you watched the Shahs of Sunset reunion, you know the cast feasted on delicious Persian food between screaming matches. Those crazy (literally!) kids of Vanderpump Rules even got a cocktail after their explosive, tear-filled sit down. But what of the housewives?
Last night was the first half of the Mob Wives season finale, and it's not even worth attempting an introduction, so let's just dive in, shall we? Renee Graziano shows up at Big Ang's house, as does Drita D'avanzo. The ladies eat, drink, and chat about Renee's journaling and lack of sex. All of this has lead Renee to write her own version of 50 Shades of Gray. Enter Renee's "sex book." So there's that. It's fiction according to Renee. If it was real, she'd be in a much better place. Renee reads excerpts from her novel, and it's dirty, which is good, right? Her publisher is hosting a launch party for her. That is apparently what reality stars do.
In Philly, Natalie Guercio is meeting with Alicia diMichele Garofalo to discuss Alicia's situation with her sentencing. She admits that she took off her wedding rings after hearing her husband's wire taps. She is ready for divorce, but she's terrified about her sentencing. Natalie is scared for her friend's future. Later, Ang and Drita are planning a one-on-one with Natalie at Ang's house to discuss Natalie's recent behavior. They are upset about Natalie's recent Twitter battle with Renee. Natalie believes that if Renee is able to dish it on social media, she should be able to take it. Drita and Ang wonder why Natalie felt the need to get involved in the first place. Has Natalie watched this show before? She should know better than to awaken the Twitter beast in Renee. The women warn Natalie play nice.