Geraldo Rivera was stuck smack-dab in the middle of Kenya Moore and Vivica A. Fox‘s showdown and had a front row seat to the eponymous Celebrity Apprentice “Phonegate.” As a result, Geraldo declares Kenya “guilty!”
As usual, Geraldo has a lot to say, and it’s far more fun to read it in Geraldo’s voice. Am I the only one who naturally does that? Geraldo emphatically believes Kenya is the culprit behind thieving Vivica’s phone and even charges that Kenya should take a lie detector test to exonerate herself!
“There are ambitious divas in the news business, but in my experience we don’t steal each other’s microphones to prevent our rivals from broadcasting. Something like that happened last night on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’,” Mr. Mustache begins.
Kristen Taekmanis frustrated with Real Housewives Of New York! Although last season featured plenty of butting heads (and flung wine glasses), she believed the ladies really connected and had close friendships – this season with the addition of icy Bethenny Frankel and her demands, not so much!
While other Housewives have praised the show for returning to a more realistic format, Kristen doesn’t agree – and she also doesn’t necessarily agree that bringing Bethenny back into the mix was the right idea.
Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:
1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter…
2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!
NeNe Leakes never hesitates to remind us that she is The ORIGINAL Krispy WiggedReal Housewife Of Atlanta and she has seen (and survived it all) but with this season being the most vitriolic and upsetting yet, rumor has it NeNe is on her way out of the series that made her famous.
“I’ve never felt I needed to do anything but be me,” NeNe brags. “And I simply remained me throughout every season. I’ve outlived people – and I’ve even outlived executive producers! Shade, honey – catch it!”
In the first challenge the teams create a photobomb campaign of King’s Hawaiian bread in NYC. Geraldo Rivera is momentarily silent, still trapped in the hyper-alert mindset of Vivica and Kenya Moore‘s war. He compares working with those two to being in Afghanistan. I’ve never been to Afghanistan but after the many-years reign of terror Krayonce has inflicted upon me, I can attest to needing therapy. Naturally Kenya announces herself project manager.
On the other team Johnny Damon rises to the occasion. Which, thanks to Brandi Glanville‘s dirty mind, also becomes their slogan. Hey – someone had to stop Ian Ziering from composing a 45-minute sermon of 1984’s best marketing catchphrases. He has watched a few episodes of Mad Men, which makes him an expert.
Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay.
Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.
Tom Sandoval cannot escape his past! Meaning, Kristen Doute will not get a clue and move on! On last week’s Vanderpump Rules the poster child for obsessed ex-girlfriend hired conspired with “Miami Girl” (who maintains Tom cheated with her in Miami) to show up at SUR and confront Tom 1 in front of Ariana Madix. Of course it didn’t exactly go as planned…
Kristen insists she just wanted Tom to be honest because he cheated on her and destroyed their relationship, so naturally she deserved the truth about his relationship to Ariana! “I wanted answers,” Kristen says, admitting that her quest for knowledge was irrational. To say the least…
“I know that I’m broken up with Tom, I know James and I are together, and I know that it’s probably none of my damn business, but I made it my business,” Kristen states. Probably none of her business? Let’s go with DEFINITELY none of her business. And let’s also go with STILL OBSESSING.
Donald Trump has already spoken out calling Kenya “evil,” but now the comb-over expert describes Kenya and Vivica as a “total disaster!”
“They truly hate each other. Actually, Kenya hates Vivica like you’ve never seen…probably hates Brandi more than she even hates Vivica,” Donald told E! News. “But the three women on the show are a total disaster, which I love.” Of course, Donald loves it – ratings are through the roof and the season was expanded.