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On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone corralled their best “gays” and trotted them around the ring in Kyle Richards Boners Cup Classic! Unfortunately objectifying “gays” took a backseat to objectifying sanity when Brandi Glanville stormed the premises and a custody battle over Kim Richards erupted. Poor gays – always the bottoms, never the tops!

Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:

1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter… 

2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!  

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nene leakes beanie on HLN

NeNe Leakes never hesitates to remind us that she is The ORIGINAL Krispy Wigged Real Housewife Of Atlanta and she has seen (and survived it all) but with this season being the most vitriolic and upsetting yet, rumor has it NeNe is on her way out of the series that made her famous. 

“I’ve never felt I needed to do anything but be me,” NeNe brags. “And I simply remained me throughout every season. I’ve outlived people – and I’ve even outlived executive producers! Shade, honey – catch it!” 

Last week NeNe threatened co-stars Kenya Moore and Claudia Jordan with legal action by sending them Cease and Desist letters. “It’s legal so I can’t go into details, but I did send them out,” she states candidly. 

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vivica a fox and kenya explode in the boardroom over phonegate

Last night Celebrity Apprentice lost two Housewives, a former MLB player with a secret jingle-writing hobby, an I-anfant the Terrible, and Vivica A Fox‘s phone. Donald Trump needs to get organized over there! 

In the first challenge the teams create a photobomb campaign of King’s Hawaiian bread in NYC. Geraldo Rivera is momentarily silent, still trapped in the hyper-alert mindset of Vivica and Kenya Moore‘s war. He compares working with those two to being in Afghanistan. I’ve never been to Afghanistan but after the many-years reign of terror Krayonce has inflicted upon me, I can attest to needing therapy. Naturally Kenya announces herself project manager. 

On the other team Johnny Damon rises to the occasion. Which, thanks to Brandi Glanville‘s dirty mind, also becomes their slogan. Hey – someone had to stop Ian Ziering from composing a 45-minute sermon of 1984’s best marketing catchphrases. He has watched a few episodes of Mad Men, which makes him an expert.

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kristen doute is fired from sur

It’s the dawning of a new era on Vanderpump Rules. SUR has officially been freed of one psychotic SURver Kristen Doute! In other news Tom Schwartz got caught cheating again. Oops!

Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay. 

Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.

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Kristen Doute

Tom Sandoval cannot escape his past! Meaning, Kristen Doute will not get a clue and move on! On last week’s Vanderpump Rules the poster child for obsessed ex-girlfriend hired conspired with “Miami Girl” (who maintains Tom cheated with her in Miami) to show up at SUR and confront Tom 1 in front of Ariana Madix. Of course it didn’t exactly go as planned… 

Kristen insists she just wanted Tom to be honest because he cheated on her and destroyed their relationship, so naturally she deserved the truth about his relationship to Ariana! “I wanted answers,” Kristen says, admitting that her quest for knowledge was irrational. To say the least…

“I know that I’m broken up with Tom, I know James and I are together, and I know that it’s probably none of my damn business, but I made it my business,” Kristen states. Probably none of her business? Let’s go with DEFINITELY none of her business. And let’s also go with STILL OBSESSING. 

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Kenya and Vivica explode in the boardroom

In case you had not heard Kenya Moore and Vivica Fox are feuding! Last week the two erupted in the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom and tonight is the night where Kenya reportedly steals Vivica’s cell phone to tweet that she’s crazy and menopausal. 

Donald Trump has already spoken out calling Kenya “evil,” but now the comb-over expert describes Kenya and Vivica as a “total disaster!” 

“They truly hate each other. Actually, Kenya hates Vivica like you’ve never seen…probably hates Brandi more than she even hates Vivica,” Donald told E! News. “But the three women on the show are a total disaster, which I love.” Of course, Donald loves it – ratings are through the roof and the season was expanded

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NeNe Leakes Fabulous Pop Up Closet Sale

NeNe Leakes liquidated her designer duds in a pop up closet shop! This weekend the “very rich” Real Housewives Of Atlanta star had a good ole’ fashioned yard sale which she called the “Nene Leakes Fabulous Pop Up Closet.”

Along with selling off her own designer collection in size they don’t make runway that big (according to Claudia Jordan) unless you got them coins, and pieces from her NeNe Leakes Collection for HLN and her t-shirt line.

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Kim Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie, Kendall Jenner support Bruce Jenner in rumored sex change

There are a lot of rumors surrounding Bruce Jenner, which I’ve decided not to judge. As the Keeping Up With The Kardashians patriarch divorced Kris Jenner and began taking on what many labeled a more feminine appearance, gossip swirled that Bruce is undergoing a sex change to transition to a woman – a sentiment bolstered when Bruce reportedly had a tracheal shave operation. 

Bruce will be doing a sit-down with E! News where the report is he will finally be open about his sexuality and gender reassignment. Kim Kardashian recently shared that Bruce is going through a journey, one which she supports him in, yet Kris has adamantly denied Bruce is changing his gender orientation. I guess we’ll hear the truth from Bruce soon!

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