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farrah-abraham-couples-therapy

Well I'm going to handle this as tactfully as I can and just present the information. 

Farrah Abraham undoubtedly has issues (which she is currently exploring while appearing ALONE on Couples Therapy) and apparently the root of many of these issues stems from a rape trauma and childhood abuse. 

“I was drugged and raped more than once. I allowed the [wrong] type of people into my life,” Farrah claims to In Touch Weekly. The former Teen Mom star also alleges that following the release of her "sex tape" she booked appearances at strip clubs and porn conventions which further put her life in jeopardy.  

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kim-zolciak-kroy-bierman-pregnant

With 4 kids in under 4 years Kim Zolciak promises the twins were her last pregnancy – and to prove it she claims hubby Kroy Biermann is getting a vasectomy! 

“We’ll do something permanent because I’m so fertile!" Kim over-discloses to Life & Style. The permanent meaning the "snip snip" (her words, not mine!). 

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OK! Magazine's pre-Grammy event

Aaaaahhhh Kristen Doute, one-part hoochie mama, one-part crazy, one-part atrociously bad employee, one-part drama queen, and one-part REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad decision maker! She's one helluva a potent Molotov cocktail! 

After spending an entire season (and I mean entire) of Vanderpump Rules fretting boyfriend Tom "1" Sandoval of cheating with co-worker Ariana Madix, Kristen, the little hypocrite that could, was caught in a cheating scandal of her own – with BFF Stassi Schroeder's ex-boyfriend Jax Taylor.

Of course Kristen denied it. A lot. Even when all evidence pointed to the contrary. But somebody called Sherlock and Law & Order style Kristen got cornered and confessed. Yep, the kitty is out of the bag: Kristen banged Jax – and liked it! 

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teresa-giudice-abc-news

In case you haven't heard Teresa Giudice and Joe Giudice are in big time trouble and face a mounting 41-count federal indictment for several different types of fraud. 

In light of her legal woes, the Real Housewives of New Jersey star, whose troubles will be featured on the upcoming season, insists she's staying strong and trying to make the best of a bad situation for the time being. “I can’t just be upset and crawl up in a ball and just go in a room and —  and lock the door.  I can’t.  I’m a mom.  I have four daughters,” Teresa tells ABC News

Teresa does admit that it's hard to get through the day, however, and in private she is falling apart. "I would be lying to say I didn’t, you know, that’s not happening,” she shares. The hardest part, she says, is "my kids going through this." Should have thought of that BEFORE, you know, lying and defrauding! "I'm a role model for them," Teresa explains. A role model of what NOT to do!  

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shahs-of-sunset-season-two-finale-reza-farahan-adam

Oooh yay! Another Made for TV engagement. This time starring Reza Farahan and boyfriend Adam Neely

Here's to the Shahs of Sunset star nabbing Bravo's first gay wedding spinoff. I so hope Asa is the wedding planner!

So yes, Reza proposed "on my birthday in August," he dishes to Life & Style but the two kept their engagement a secret. Hmmm… wonder why – OH! Because the engagement is going to featured on the season finale Reza reveals. Of course… silly me, I thought engagements were for love, not storylines. 

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teen-mom-2-leah

Last night's episode of Teen Mom 2 temporarily humanized our snarkiness as Leah Calvert learned the realities of Ali's muscular dystrophy. 

Kail Lowry heads to an ultrasound appointment sans Javi Marroquin because Jo Rivera won't let her move out of state with Isaac and now she's all allllloneee! Apparently she's been emotionally eating to drown her sorrows because the doctor warns her that gaining a pound and a half per week isn't a good idea. "Lay off the fettuccine alfredo," he instructs. 

Everything looks healthy but Kail is waiting until Javi can be there to find out the sex. Kail calls Javi from the car and complains that she's soooo stressed planning a wedding while pregnant. Maybe postpone the wedding until after you've had the baby then? Just a thought – especially since they're already legally married for the benefits and stuff. 

Then Kail and Jo have a major custody blowup. Kail is now refusing to bring Isaac to Jo's parents' if he's not home. On their custody exchange day, Kail learns from Jo that he's running late so she calls Javi – in front of Isaac – to whine about what a terrible, negligent parent Jo is. Nice Kail.

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vpr-recap

Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!

Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.

Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there. 

Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy

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rhobh-recap

Last night Carlton Gebbia really let the witch out of the bag – flying broomsticks, evil spells, creepy crystal floral talismans and all! 

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are friends-ish again. Well at least for the sake of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills purposes. Since Ken and Mauricio truly are friends, Kyle and Lisa decide to get together with Kevin Lee (!!) to throw a joint birthday party. Oh Kevin Lee… let's discuss what's going on atop your head: part Brillo pad, part tasered porcupine: too much hair gel, mmmkay. 

As Lisa and Kyle divvy up the guest list Kyle gets all porcupiney – she just wants to know why there's gotta be teams allocating who invites whom. 

UGH – let's just take a moment to discuss Kyle. Listen, Kyle was annoying me the whole episode: she kept making her little snarky comments, making everything into a bigger deal than it was, and sneaking in shade while acting like everything was fine – basically she was Splits-ing. But then CARLTON! Snarlton… SNARLTON with her Wicked Witch of The Valley complete with California Raisin face had to go all wicca-wacka and made me feel bad for Kyle. There's more to Kyle's witchiness than her fondness for flowing robes, but compared to Snarlton, Kyle is a sweet innocent. 

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