Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.
It was the first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation last night and true to form it was like a game of Clue with whodunit and why, with what, where and WTF?
Last night's metaphorical Housewives slayer was none other than Brandi Glanville who could hold neither her alcohol or her tongue. Although she did start out by telling us all the things she likes to do with her tongue or have a tongue to do her when she conducted a little market research for her new book. Yep, sex, wine, and Brandi again… *yawn*
Over at Joyce Giraud's house she's preparing for Palm Springs with a fashion show. Joyce's closet is beautiful. And it houses the entire GoldenGirls wardrobe department archives, including several pair of reproduction hibiscus print culottes.
Ugh… I need to lie down immediately after writing this. Seriously – I feel faint and I feel disrespectful even addressing this malarkey.
The first bit of news is not Kanye West's fault, save for the fact that it's totally believable given all the nonsense and highfalutin comparisons he's spouting. A self-described "Global Global Satirical Newspaper of Record" called The Daily Currant published a spam article claiming that Kanye referred to himself as the next Nelson Mandela.
The quote, falsely attributed to Kanye, read, “Mandela was working in South Africa, which has, like what, six people? I started my magic here in the USA and then I took my business global. I liberate minds with my music. That’s more important than liberating a few people from apartheid or whatever.”
The latest lady to be dealing with an incarceration is new star Alicia DiMichele Garofalo, whose husband Edward Garofalo, a Colombo member was just sentenced to 7 years in a federal prison for extortion.
Alicia arrived at the courthouse in her mafia wife best to support Edward with whom she has three children. “I’m here for my husband. I’m just trying to take care of my boys, that’s all," she told NY Post reporters.
Unfortunately Alicia may be doing her own time soon! The newly minted reality star was accused of colluding with her husband by working as his company book keeper and was caught on tape "gabbing about embezzling funds for their now-defunct trucking business."
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was um… well, lemme just say this: they need to get a psychiatrist on that show to deal with all the crazies cause they are multiplying faster than we can keep up. Screw a reunion, let's just call Dr. Phil!
Things begin with Kandi Burruss discussing Mama Joyce drama with her assistant/BFF Carmon. They're looking at wedding magazines, but they should have been looking at catalogs for mental hospitals!
Carmon is not happy that Joyce is slandering her all over town by spreading completely baseless rumors that Carmon is sleeping with Todd. All because Todd is hanging in some photos in Kandi's hallway. If I were Todd I would hang the photos of Mama Joyce in the basement – behind the water heater.
According to Kordell's attorney Porsha was threatening to stay a "Stewart" despite the divorce because her professional image was attached to the name, but she's now decided to take NeNe Leakes' advice and ditch the last name.
"Kordell was very concerned about the damage it could cause," TMZ reports, "however, she reconsidered and decided to restore her maiden name, Williams."
Bruce is reportedly being seduced with a multi-million dollar tell-all deal which will blow the lid off the Keeping Up With The Kardashians empire and expose all the dastardly deeds of pimpmama KJ. But before all that he's signed onto play a Kris-esque character in The Hungover Games! The movie is a spoof of blockbuster hits The Hunger Games and The Hangover and Bruce will play the part of a futuristic sports announcer alongside Hank Baskett.
I would be concerned about Bruce's acting ability but he's been acting like he loves Kris for years, so… Anyway, you can catch a trailer of the of the film below. In it Bruce wears a wig that mocks his wife's idiosyncratic hairstyle and some atrocious lipstick that is probably Kroma Beauty!
As Bravo continues to try and capitalize on the Sex And The City theme, they're pummeling us with a new show about 30+ single gal Courtney Kerr.
Courtney, previously on the show Most Eligible Dallas, scored her own single lady reality show with Courtney Loves Dallas. The fashion blogger behind the successful What Courtney Wore (a platform she launched following her breakout stardom on her round one reality show) confesses that dating in your thirties sucks. Sometimes. But she also talks following your heart with your career as well, and it turns out both are super scary!
“The scariest part about giving up a stable retail job for my fashion blog is that at 30 years old, you ask yourself, ‘Is that the wisest thing to make a career change?’” Courtneydished to Life & Style.