Last night was the season finale of Below Deck. Valor whooshed into the dock for the very last time – at least it didn’t crash! Captain Lee Rosbach sent off his motley – literally – crew into the choppy seas and looked forward to a blue horizon filled with competent people. Unless Bravo has anything to do with!
Of course the last gasps of drama were still washing up onto the beach, little bottles with messages that people stopped caring about long ago. Well, all people except Jen Howell. And one little pirate of hearts who swashbuckled his way home – I’m talking about Nico Scholly. And aren’t all my sailing metaphors just as horrific as he is?!
Based on Siggy Flicker‘s weekend tweet-a-thon about her great hatred for Margaret Josephs, I’m guessing things got pretty intense at the Real Housewives Of New Jerseyreunion (did they film it earlier than usual or is the season really almost over?!). And not a pot puss orgasm good kind of intense (disclosure: I have never experienced this personally, I’m taking Margaret’s word for it!).
On last week’s episode, when everyone was arguing about the horrors of Kim D – who admittedly IS horrid (but really fabulously desperately amazing television if you’re into that sort of thing), unfortunately Margaret compared Kim D to Hitler when she said, “Siggy – Hitler woulda not killed me. Does that make him a good person?”
“I can officially announce that I will be performing as Mama Morton in Chicago on Broadway January 15th- March 11th!!!!! I’m so excited!” Kandishared on Instagram. “Get your tickets now & check out the announcement on People.com #Thankful #Blessed #LivingMyBestLife#DreamsDoComeTrue” The show airs at the legendary Ambassador Theater in NYC.
Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. SIX LONG SEASONS I will have been recapping this show, and six long seasons I will have loved every minute of it. Well, OK, not every minute, but a lot of minutes. Last night did not disappoint on this rollercoaster to hell and back. Complete with costumes! But still can the writers over there get a new story besides cheating?!
At SUR, Tom Sandovalis still slinging drinks while dreaming of a less sloppy future. A Tomtastic future with sexy TVs and pot-tinis. Yes, you heard that right: pot-tinis, as in marijuana-laced mixed drinks. That sounds like a YouTube horror story about what teens are getting into to these days.
Lisa Vanderpump is moving forward with Tom-Tom, a restaurant centered around the Toms, and for the low introductory price of $100,000 dollars, paid in installments of $9.99 per month (for life) – taxes and fees apply – the real life Toms can become 10% partners in this glorious venture. One might think old (I used that word intentionally) Tom 1 would be grateful. Instead he is besieged with angst!
What is it with these ladies on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? NeNe Leakes‘ husband Gregg is having serious health problems, and Kenya Moore‘s grandmother – who raised her! – just died, yet they’re all OK, let’s ditch everything to go party in San Francisco because Sheree Whitfield‘s life coach decided she needs some ME TIME. So, let Sheree take that ME without YOU time – y’all have other things going on!
So Sheree’s ‘doctor’s note’ means she decided to become a life coach herself and stage a rejuvenation from drama bonding trip. Remember how well that worked for Phaedra Parks?! Excuse me, but didn’t NeNe and Kenya actually hate Sheree like 15 minutes ago? Also, why San Francisco? Is there some secret prisoner’s girlfriend seminar happening?
Let’s see: Jen has generally sucked at her job, publicly called her boss, Kate Chastain, a whore, gotten sloppy drunk once, or twice, maybe thrice, entered the book of world records for slowest latte making, was sexually harassed, but NOT sexually satisfied as she so desperately wants – instead Yachterella constantly bemoaned that she never gets taken to any balling, luckily Jen also gave herself an orgasm over dinner! She’s also thrown her chief stew under the propellor to guests, fought with Brianna Adekeye, resurrected the Jan Brady hairstyle one flowby at a time, and most recently scratched Bruno Duarte. A small part of me feels like Jen and Tom Cruise are soulmates – now that she’s officially too slut shaming for Kyle Dixon.
Tamicki love each other – they really love each other! Included in this pile of re-love was Shannon Beador. Who may never really forgive David Vicki, but she’ll never get over him her either.
It was the perfect way to end things. And hopefully they’ll truly move on. After all, just how many seasons can we stretch out the indomitable Brooks Ayers drama (it’s going on 5 seasons now!)? We get it – he’s scum, and Vicki was an innocent virginal angel duped because of her saintly loving heart.