Well, I have some unfortunate news, so I hope you’re all sitting down. The Kardashians will definitely NOT be leaving our TV’s anytime soon – or our pop culture lexicon. Despite Kim Kardashian‘s sham wedding (with accompanying very public divorce) and the tremendous negative backlash from the media and the public, American’s favorite famewhores have just inked a $40 Million three-year reality television deal with E!. So, if this doesn’t confirm that Kimye is a publicity stunt – really, I don’t know what would!
Yes, despite petitions, and threats, and absolute proof that their shows are staged crap – they will be back whether we like it or not!
Ironically the numbers for last season’s KUWTK averaged only about 3 M viewers per episode – on par (or below) with most Housewives, but apparently the Kardashians’ scandals and drama are worth their weight in gold for the network; which basically exists purely to broadcast the family’s lives. The deal does not include any new shows! So when Kim and Kanye West start pimping out their totally authentic romance, they will iron out their own deal. Which means more ka-ching!
The less famous and thereby second-rate family members, Rob Kardashian along withKylie andKendall Jenner will receive considerably less. Scott Disick and Mason also get a cut of the profit, but they have a separate deal with the network. You know Kris was trying to insure against any possible break-ups!
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Uh oh – it seems karma is a bigger bitch than Evelyn finally catching up to Evelyn Lozada! In response to her dramatic and violent behavior in this season of Basketball Wives, some people are planning to boycott Evelyn and fiancé Chad Ochocinco‘s new show! Why? Because they don’t think Evelyn’s bullying and mean girl behavior should be rewarded with a spin-off!
A fan of Basketball Wives has started a petition requesting viewers abstain from watching the wedding show, titled Ev & Ocho, in response to Evelyn’s appalling behavior. “Evelyn Lozada is a bully. The violence on ‘Basketball Wives’ is horrible and disgraceful,” the petition states.”This is not a hate petition against Eveyln Lozada. We simply will not support violence. It hurts to see violence amongst women on television for entertainment purposes. It is not ok for women to hit each other on TV.” Wowzers!
Moving on, it seems Jennifer Williams is continuing to alienate her reality show because of the lawsuit she filed against Evelyn’s assistant Nia Crooks. According to TMZ, the producers are livid that Jenn went through with the suit. The producers are allegedly claiming that Jenn never cared about violence before, and this is just a publicity stunt to ensure her position in season five.
But it’s backfiring big time! A source says, “Filing broad lawsuits when you are as much to blame for the drama, is not the way to get your contract extended.”
THOUGHTS ON THE PETITION? WILL YOU WATCH EVELYN’S NEW SHOW? IS JENN’S LAWSUIT A PUBLICITY STUNT OR VALID?
Ok, Virgina residents get ready for some exciting news! Desperate famewhore Tareq Salahi has just announced his plans to run for governor of Virgina. The former Real Housewives of DC White House crasher told TMZ, “I am troubled to see how our current political figureheads continue to waste tax payer dollars!”
“I’m a big believer in limited government, keeping taxes, regulation and litigation low, and if I do win, everyone is invited to crash the inauguration!” Tareq believes his experiences grifting bankrupting a winery and being on reality TV would be a great asset to state government. How, I’m not sure…
Indeed, Tareq has officially filed his candidacy paperwork, which you can see below. You know, I’m kinda excited to see this campaign. Also – isn’t he banned from the White House? That’s gonna be a conflict of interest if he’s elected…
SO – WOULD YOU VOTE FOR TAREQ?
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Alright, I hate to break it to you wonderful readers, but this is going to be a brief-cap. As you well know, Real Housewives of New Jersey premiered last night, and as this was the final segment of the three-part train wreck known as the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion and I think we’ve said all there is to say. So, let’s break down the important parts!
So, is Kandi Burruss a sugar mama? Marlo Hampton seems to think so! And not only that, but she seems to think it’s her business to announce to the world that Kandi’s man lives with her. Well, I mean that’s called being in a committed relationship, you know: getting serious, not paying for sex, moving in together, going on actual dates in public, marriage… But I guess an escort/mistress wouldn’t know that, would she?. Kandi seems to think telling people her man drives a Range Rover proves she’s not a sugar mama. Kandi, yeah, labels don’t mean anything – just ask Marlo!
Marlo apparently earns money from all her haters. They take up a We Hate Marlo collection and just give it to her to fund her “labels”? So – can you guys do that for me? I need some new clothes – preferably ones made by Louwee VooTAWN.
So, Cynthia Bailey spoke after Andy Cohen slipped her a note telling her to fire up those vocal chords or get fired! Apparently, no one can get over the fact that Cynthia acts differently with a friend than she does with her co-workers and acquaintances. Much to do was made over the fact that Cynthia changes her spots for stripes when she leaves the giraffes for the zebras. Well, I really don’t think it’s that odd to act differently around people you know well, but I guess that’s why I’m not on a reality show. Personally, I don’t find Cynthia to be fake or confrontational with anyone. Nevertheless, Cynthia leaps right on into a screaming match with Kim Zolciak about how fake she supposedly is and how as soon as she gets near NeNe Leakesshe grows a pair of ovaries.
Proving that she speaks her mind, Cynthia calls Kim out on being a mistress! Cause, you know, it is what it is… Kim claims that Big Poppa was legally separated and you can date when you are separated. Except, Big Poppa is STILL not divorced – that’s the part she conveniently left out!
Cynthia, Marlo, and Kandi have distracting hair, that was probably not the best choice for the given environment. They keep flipping it over their shoulders and playing with it while trying to scream at people.
Marlo said she made it rain in South Africa because she knew She by SheBroke needed some money. Kandi snarked that she collected all those wasted bills to give to her man. Burn!
Sheree‘s greatest arguments are revisited. Who gon’ check me boo reigns supreme in my mind. Kim’s wigs have really um… gotten much more voluminous, haven’t they? And much tackier and trashier. First season they looked cute-ish, albeit a little cheap and matted. Now they look well… really fake and super cheap. What happened? Too much microwaving. Apparently, Kim and Sheree’s friendship has managed to survive call girl comments and wig pulls, because they are genuine and Sheree has never hit below the belt. Never really hit below the belt? If my friend called me a “call girl” on national TV, I would be preeeetty furious.
Kim informs us that despite what she told us, NeNe doesn’t have a penis. Whew! Good think she cleared that up!
Andy is still desperate for NeNe and Kim to be BFF again and return this show to its former splendor. Look, Andy – we all want that, but they are both too egotistical and it’s not gonna work out. Sorry. NeNe and Kim discuss their friendship for the umpteenth time. Both ladies are happy in their respective lives and are supportive of each other. Humbleness still eludes NeNe.
NeNe reveals that she brought Sheree and Kim to the attention of the producers and apparently NeNe convinced producers to hire Sheree because they initially thought she was too boring. And apparently, NeNe is willing to help Sheree out again – but unfortunately she is playing for the wrong team. Nothing like a little blackmail! <> And here come the rumors that NeNe got She by SheFired, well, fired!
And that’s it! We’re done with another season of RHOA!
THOUGHTS ON THE FINAL PART OF THE REUNION? ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT NEXT SEASON OR ARE YOU OVER THIS SHOW? WHO WILL QUIT FIRST: NENE OR KIM?
They’re baaaaaaaaaaaack. So, last night was the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiere and well, I think it’s very clear how this is all shaking out. It’s Teresa Giudice vs. the world. Bring back Super T cause she needs that cape! From the very first moment of the show, it was evident the emotions are raw and palpable. And it was hard for me to watch. Dare I say, this is the realest any Real Housewives show has ever been!
Things begin with the Wakiles and Gorgas are at the shore house. Kathy Wakile is cooking of course. Someone brings up Teresa‘s cookbook and, conveniently, just so happens to have a copy. And Richie just so happens to read aloud from it in front of all the parties while Melissa Gorga looks uncomfortable. Everyone discusses how much Teresa has changed since fame swept her under it’s demon wing and flew her far away from the marble palace in the half-vacant sub-division, the orange tans, and the salty, sewery breeze of Jersey; to a place where she is honored and revered and not a pariah for her love of sequins and trash talk. Non-Juicy Joe (aka Joe Gorga – gosh it feels good to use the old nicknames again!) announces that as a family, they are moving past the cookbook insults. We all know that’s not true!
At Jacqueline Laurita‘s she is having a party to get Caroline Manzo and Teresa in the same room together. The Manzo spawn are still incensed about Terea’s comments in the cookbook and Caroline is all like ‘you don’t have to kiss my feet – but you better if you want me to accept this apology.’
Somebody brings up Ashley, Ashlee, Hatlee- whatever – and wonders it she’s still a complete loser. That’s an affirmative! Lauren Manzo, who’s become quite the Donette Caroline, quips that the only thing Ashlee has changed about her life is her hair color. Lauren, on the other hand, completed med school by aged 16 and is a doctor on TV, saving children’s lives. Oh wait – that was Doogie Howser.
Teresa shows up and things are prickly. She wants to talk to Caroline and apologize about the cookbook misunderstanding. What?! <<Head spinning>> She wants to handle something like an adult not chuck an onion at Caroline’s head and tell her to go to hell or something. Teresa sits Caroline down and basically says they were all jokes and Caroline should get over it, but she’s sorry she hurt her feelings. All said though, Teresa’s face was so full of emotion and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. It was odd. All these ladies seem so broken. Caroline doesn’t feel the apology is sincere (even though I think it was in Teresa’s way) but decides she’s going to co-exist with Teresa. They hug and Teresa tells Caroline she’s like family to her.
Meanwhile everyone else is prepping for the shore. At the Gorgas’ Joe tells Melissa Teresa thinks Melissa would leave him if she met a richer man. So this definitely seems like a family rebuilding. Melissa and Joe go back and forth about the Teresa issue; they’re both hurt and Teresa is totally out of line. Who says that? So when did Bravo rename this show The Teresa Experience?
Kathy and Richie are packing. Richie pulls out some sex oil and Kathy gets all squeamish, telling him to hide it so no one sees it. Yet – they’re talking about it on television… Right. If sexing up their marriage is going to be a storyline, don’t expect me to recap that. Kathy implores him to just be nice to Teresa and try to get along, since they’ll all be spending time together over the weekend.
Over at Teresa‘s they are also packing up for the shore. Teresa admits this has been a hard year for her with Joeww and his issues. Teresa says Joe has become the nanny and she is now the breadwinner. She loves having him help her around the house, except he’s still lumbering around like a caveman screaming at everyone and tantruming. In the middle of all the chaos, Melania calls Gia a “stupid pooper” BWAHAHA! – which needs to replace bitch and whore as the standard HW insult. Teresa threatens to wash her mouth out with soap unless she apologizes like she means it. Hmmm… maybe Caroline needs to try that approach with T!
In the car on the way there, Teresa asks Joe about what he did last night. Joe claims he was out with some girls! On business! Um, say what? Teresa and Gia‘s hair stands up on end and they’re both like ‘wadaya mean girls’? Joe barks that they need to stay outta his bizness – except that broke fool doesn’t have bizness. And he was at TGI Friday!
Teresa is well aware of the rumors that Joe is cheating on her and she tells him Gia knows too, so he better keep his legs closed! Who would have an affair with Joe? Teresa would cut you faster than you could say Boo. Dang, I get the shivers just thinking about it!
Later while Jr. Mafia Joe is preparing for prison by weight lifting, Teresa wafts in wearing her leopard print robe to confront him about Gia being aware of what goes on. Teresa cites a magazine article she did talking about him going to prison and says Gia is worried about it and can read things. A Giudice that can read? Impossible! Joe, in a rare moment of clarity, tells Teresa this is the life they chose by going on TV. Teresa wants to protect her girls, but Joe seems unconcerned.
The funniest part was the mouse poop in that slide thing they had all rolled up on the roof and all the girls freaking out. haha. I love Melania and she melts my heart. She’s totally a crazy Housewife in training!
At Jacqueline‘s she gets a visit from her lifecoach. Apparently Ashlee is completely out of control and only focused on partying. In fact several times she has gotten stranded in the city because she’s too drunk to get home and Chris has to pick her up in the middle of the night. Yikes. The lifecoach gives her the same advice she’s been getting for three years and hasn’t taken. So when are they buying Ashlee another car?
So, Caroline is menopausal – or pregnant with a change of life baby! No just kidding – although I just kept waiting and waiting for Bravo to pull that out. It could still happen! Maybe Kathy will get the middle-aged storyline this season. Anyway, Caroline’s been having migraines and has been increasingly short tempered. She blames the company she keeps and her children for deserting her. Then hastily adds that Lauren still lives at home though. The doctor tells her she’s getting old. ha
The Gorga’s arrive at their shore house, which used to be normal and quaint until Joe decided to blow it up into a mcmansion complete with a liberry and a roller rink. Sadly, it’s still a construction zone and not fit for habitation. Melissa glares at him and snaps – no sex for you. Tarzan’s not leaving the jungle tonight!
So they all cruise over to Rich and Kathy‘s place, where they proceed to talk about Teresa some more. Apparently Melissa just so happened to come accross Teresa’s In Touch Weekly cover. And after she drew devil horns and a mustache on Teresa’s face and sobbed that she wasn’t front and center, she read the article. Basically, Teresa admitted she was scared that Jr Mafia Joe may be headed to prison.
It’s with great sadness that I announce that tonight is Sheree Whitfiled‘s last appearance on Real Housewives of Atlanta. I know, I cried too. Not because I am Sheree’s only fan (which I very well may be), but because Sheree’s arrival on the reality television scene was golden, precious, and insane. I mean, she only has my favorite intro in Housewives history: “I like things that are elegint and soffisicated, just like me!” Priceless, amirite?
As an homage to the most delusional Housewife of the whole franchise, it is without further ado that I unleash She by SheBroke: A Retrospective. Let’s recap some of Sheree’s greatest moments, shall we?
Season one we met Sheree; then full of hubris and conviction. “Budget – what’s that?;” she quipped. Insisting that soon she would be getting a whopping seven figures in a divorce settlement from ex-husband Bob Whitfield. Remember when Sheree had a personal shopper come to her mansion, which was drifting into foreclosure as she spoke, to bring her shoes? Oh, how the mighty fall.
“A big problem men have is they’re intimidated by successful women,” She by SheDelusional explained while spending her paltry divorce settlement on dresses she couldn’t afford. “I’m fashion; I’m style!;” she exclaimed. It’s so very in vogue to be broke, you know! So, of course first comes ridiculous, then comes a fashion line!
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This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has been the equivalent of friendships in a blender, as the ladies have swapped buddies, traded aliases, and gotten us all mixed up with the flavors! First, Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossibecame BFFLs, bonding over blowjob helpers and bad dye jobs. And now, Alexis Bellino and Vicki Gunvulson have apparently discovered they have much more in common than their television jobs—the Bravo one, obviously, not the newscastering one.
While it’s no stretch to see Tamretchen joined at the hip and cackling, Vicki and Alexis (Vilexis?) are quite the odd couple. But apparently, Paula Abdul was right and opposites attract.
Taking to her Bravo Blog, Alexis explains how she and Vicki went from enemies, to frienemies, to friends. “The friendship between Vicki and I wasn’t immediate. It has taken three years for Vicki and I to GROW into our friendship. Yes, Vicki said some mean things about me in the past, and yes I wasn’t always the kindest to her. However, we have both been very open about the fact that we wanted to try to make amends over three years, NOT OVERNIGHT!”
And, of course, their former best friends defecting to enemy lines had absolutely nothing to do with Vilexis’ bond. “Vicki and I were trying to make amends last year, before Tamra ever thought about scheming a friendship with Gretchen, so don’t let Tamra or Gretchen fool you that Vicki and I are only friends because those two became friends.”
“The friendship between Vicki and I is not out of convenience, nor is it contrived. Vicki and I have both said we have nothing to dislike the other person for, and we really enjoy being around each other,” Alexis adds. “Not only that, but Vicki apologized to me for everything in the past and said that if Tamra hadn’t been in her ear she would have gotten to know me and befriended me sooner.”
There’s always something with the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Which is probably why they’re our favorite of the Housewives franchises. The ladies can never keep the drama or the fashions tame and understated. As the ladies have been making the media rounds to promote the upcoming season, one key member of the cast has been conspicuously absent.
Teresa Giudice has been keeping a lowish profile as of late – at least where the RHONJ is concerned – and focusing on her other reality venture, Celebrity Apprentice. Apparently that’s a calculated move on her co-tarts’ part as they are refusing to do any publicity with her! Eeks.
And apparently the cast is yet again blaming Teresa for all of this season’s drama. “This season is the most dramatic yet,” Melissa one cast member reveals. “It got so ugly that I’m not sure any of us will want to return for another season if Teresa remains on the show. The betrayal and backstabbing is heartbreaking. I have not seen how it will be all edited together yet, but let’s just say everyone will get to see [Teresa’s] true colors.”
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