Last night on the season premiere ofReal Housewives of Miami, Bravo tried to make lemons out of lemonade by teasing us with a fancypants literary reference and dangling feuds and jealousy in our faces. Aaaah, a Tale Of Two Miamis it is not – at least not yet. No, it was more like a tale of bored Housewives doing what they do best: show off, bicker, drink, and surgically alter themselves. Keep on being you, senoritas!
Alas, things begin with a kicky opening montage of the new girls describing how Old Miami is a thing of the past (you think?) and new Miami is all them. Thus far, Old Miami looks a lot like New Miami and New Miami seems like they want to be Old Miami – if that makes sense. We jump into things by meeting the new girls and checking in with the old ones. And up first is Marysol Patton and and oldest of th Miami bunch, Mama Elsa.
Marysol had a tumultuous year. Unfortunately she separated from her husband Philippe (whom we saw her getting married to on a mountain in Aspen) and he has since moved out. So… storyline wedding? Or storyline divorce? Anyway, Mama Elsa thinks it's for the best. In other Marysol updates, she has been seeing a new psychic behind Mama's back and that psychic saw her RHOM contract and informed her she would be meeting a whole bunch of new girls that would cause drama. Gee.. I think I would ask for a REFUND.
Just after Kris got her boobs redone on TV and tried to show ALL her kids (and their respective spouses) the newly refurbished goods, she attended a charity event with Lance Bass where she donned a LEATHER MINI DRESS (caps necessary for dramatic effect) and got drunk enough to table dance!
Oh Kris J – don't you ever stop being you. And thank you Jesus you are not my mother! Although I wouldn't mind being rich for doing nothing…
Give us your best caption of Kris' new career, cause I got nothing but shock on this one!
Chad Johnson has apparently had a change of heart (or a return to sanity). The NFL free agent who was all about trying to save his marriage to Evelyn Lozada last week has realized the marriage is dead. Perhaps it had something to do with Evelyn standing by her decision to press charges against him for battery.
Yesterday, after being officially charged with misdemeanor battery, Chad pled "Not Guilty." TMZ reports that his attorney entered the plea in Broward County Court yesterday morning and Chad was not present in court. If convicted Chad faces up to a year in prison.
Chad followed that up by officially filing divorce papers of his own. In the papers he admits that his marriage to theBasketball Wives star is "irretrievably broken" following the domestic violence incident. This comes days after Chad got a tattoo of Evelyn's face on his calf in a last-ditch attempt to save his marriage.
Real Housewives of Miami is kicking things off tonight! Following a supremely lackluster response to the first season, a complete cast overhaul happened to spice things up.
Well, apparently it worked! The ladies are making the rounds to promote the show and they promise it is very, very dramatic and fans will not be disappointed. I'm slightly afraid by that proclamation. I sometimes like boring. I know, I know…
Anyway, season one survivor Lea Black vows this season is a totally new ball game. "I think a lot's different," she told the Today Show. "I think the mix of the new girls has made it hot, spicy, wild, crazy, fun and … a few other things have gone on."
And just what "other things" have gone on? Oh, you know the usual Housewives antics. "More drama than ever," Lea revealed, playing coy. "And it heats up as the season progresses."
Bethenny Frankel's marriage to Jason Hoppy has been under scrutiny since day one because, well, her entire marriage and relationship has played out for TV on her various reality shows.
Most recently Bethenny and Jason were seen battling constantly on the third season of Bethenny Ever After, with Bethenny admitting the second year of marriage has been very rocky and full of tribulations. Things seemed to be going well for the couple by the end of the season as they partnered together to renovate a fantastic new apartment and made plans to temporarily locate to LA for Bethenny's talk show 'bethenny'.
bethenny did fantastic in its test run and now news is that the reality mogul is set to make it her full-time gig and bail on her reality show. Thank you Jesus.
A month after the headbutt that ended his marriage happened, Chad Johnson has been officially charged with misdemeanor battery against Evelyn Lozada!
The State Attorney for Broward County, Florida tells TMZ that If convicted, Chad faces up to a year in jail. Chad was arrested and Evelyn pressed charges against him following the incident. This is not his first offense; he was previous charged with domestic battery against a former girlfriend.
Last night on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo we were treated to more redneck living. It's sort of becoming an anthropology experiment at this point. This time we examined their diet in the wild. Don't these people have some pageants to do?
Anyway things begin with the local morning trek to mecca, aka the convenience store about 100 yards from their house. Mama, tired of the girls, ships them off to procure the daily necessities. Apparently Pumpkin often makes this journey styled in what the manager calls the "Bam Bam Look" – which means NO SHOES. Whatever happened to No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service?
Yes – the employees know them all by name as they're reg'lars at the slurpee machine. Pumpkin spends so many hours hanging out there Mama has to call her to come home. Wasn't this a Family Guy episode? Whaddya wanna bet Pumpkin manages that convenience store some day and then starts her own franchise. Dream big. Big as a pumpkin!
One of the original reality stars, Jessica Simpson, has just shed a remarkable 40lbs a mere four months after giving birth to her daughter Maxwell. While we want to congratulate her success, we also want to snark on it because, well, that's what we (and you by extension) do!
The Fashion Show hostess has been using Weight Watchers and exercise to shed the baby weight. She's not at her goal yet, but she's still working hard to achieve her pre-baby body. I'm sure she'll be getting a few nip, tucks, and lipos in secret!
Jessica reportedly earned more than $4M to diet, which makes me very sad. I can't even earn $4.00 to diet, although I guess I could save that money if I gave up my morning latte – which is pretty much the same thing. Right? No, no it's not.