Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on.
Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.
Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME!
Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Lisa's integrity is also being questioned left and right – including whether or not she fake fainted on Dancing With The Stars last season. Well Lisa is fighting back by throwing some serious shade and also finally stooping to the levels of her co-stars and bashing them on Twitter. Well at least bashing by re-tweet! Hey the masses have spoken: Kyle and Brandi are behaving like super twats brats!
"I am disappointed but not surprised to see how gleefully Kyle initiated the conversation of my last performance on DWTS. It was as if they relished me being voted off DWTS," Lisa writes in her Bravo blog about the ladies discussing her in the limo on the way to Carlton Gebbia's luncheon.
Things naturally begin at a sex swing lesson. Kenya (rocking some leggings so tight I swear they had to be surgically removed and coochie crack was as well as booty crack imminent) has all her faux assets on display as she swings upside down. 'Weeeeeee! I'm gone with the wind fabulous!' she's cheering to herself when Kandi Burruss walks in.
Speaking for the masses, Kandi announces she is over Gone With The Wind Fabulous: "The wind is gone. It's blown away." Amen. Kandi demures participating in sex swinging because she sprained her ankle falling off some heels. The real reason for this meet up is investigative journalism. Kandi wants to know the true nature of Kenya and Apollo's texting. Or was it sexting…
Uh-oh… Porsha Stewart had a meet and greet with fans this weekend but after waiting…and waiting… and waiting… for her to show up many didn't want to meet her at all!
The Real Housewives of Atlanta star was hired to make a four-hour appearance at a fashion show in Florida on Thursday night – and she showed up 20 (TWENTY!) minutes before the event was over!
Porsha gave event organizer Tankia Olivier a bunch of excuses says TMZ, including that her flight was delayed, her driver took her to the wrong hotel and that she had to change clothes. When she finally arrived, the event was pretty much over.
A Mother's Love, which is based loosely on Kandi's own life, debuted at Atlanta's Rialto Center for the Arts on Friday. "Though things are exaggerated, you will see moments of my life in the musical," Kandi tells BroadwayWorld.com. Kandi is both the writer and the star of the play which also features a bevy of musical heavyweights.
"Writing A Mother's Love has been therapy for me in many ways. I've had to focus and not only co-write the script which is loosely about my life but have also written twenty (20) songs for the play in a very short amount of time which has allowed me to unload a lot of emotions inside of me," the Real Housewives of Atlanta star explains. The title is ironic given Kandi's own recent issues with her mother Joyce who openly disapproves of her relationship with Todd.
A Mother's Love is the story of a complicated relationship between a mother and daughter, focusing on a mother's difficulty to let her daughter make choices in her own love life. Hmmm… semi-autographical, Kandi? Or basically this is your life!
And she's especially unhappy that former friend Brandi Glanville has turned on her, sold her out to the media, and is trying to make her look like a manipulative bitch! "It was a difficult season, that's for sure, " Lisa acknowledges.
Speaking to Access Hollywood, Lisaadmits losing her friendship to Brandi "hasn't been easy" and she "doesn't understand" where the falling out came from. "I loved her – and I've been so supportive," Lisa says. "So I'll be interested to see how it plays out."