Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
I cannot believe I am about to type the following sentences. I mean if you could see my face right now, you would see me with my mouth hanging open. Gretchen Rossi has some lofty, lofty ambition, y'all!
"We want to be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! That's the goal,” Gretchengushed to Life & Style. “At this point, we want to have, like, 26 kids.” Oh rllllyyy… well, perhaps she needs to borrow some money from Angie and Brad if that's her plan cause um… well, you know…
In the wake of the Lamar fiasco, Kim Kardashian is parting ways with the long-time Kardashian family publicist and hoping to create a new identity for herself besides sex tape vixen and reality TV queen. You think she'd be more grateful for the brave soul who made these do-nothings famous!
“Kim wants to set herself apart from the Kardashian p.r. machine, and Kanye West advised her to build her own team.” a source told Page Six.
So last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey the producers teased us with progress, yet again, but then we all ended up right back where we started with some sort of family drama nonsense.
Gaaawd. Gawwwwwd. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd. It's all sooooo boring. We don't care. And you know what, it doesn't even seem believable anymore. Ugh. That's like all I have to muster. Recap over. Bye! Just kidding, but I'm gonna go ahead and say the highlight of last night's show was Penny Drossos-Karagiorgis' 10 foot long ponytail extension from the My Little Pony Weave Collection! Seriously that synthetic tail she was sporting was the color of Kraft Mac & Cheese and looked like straight up plastic Easter grass. As RuPaul would say: 'Grrrrrrrrllllll…'
My other favorite part of the episode: Melissa Gorga's "singing". Her music career is about as believable as Penny's hair. Alright let's dive in!
So Teresa Giudice is pimping out Skinny Italian foods. She's got some sort of "store" where she has all the packages displayed. Is it edible? Apparently she's saving pasta from being boring by dumping a bunch of love in some pre-packaged rigatoni. Whatever. The real point of this meeting is so she can discuss the Melissa drama with her mom and mother-in-law. I'm not gonna snark – the mommies are adorable. They encourage Teresa to invite Joe and Melissa for a family lunch. Alls good now… for less time than it takes to boil a pot of spaghetti!
Anyway, now that she's been booted from RHOBH Adrienne is hawking a product-a-minute and cougar-dating. And she's also attempting to angle her way back onto our televisions!
"I have several different opportunities I have that I can't talk about, but they're big opportunities," Adriennehints to Wetpaint about a return to TV. "Something along the lines of is what I'm all about is a businesswoman. Giving back philanthropically."
Lamar will be arraigned on September 27th and if convicted he will likely land probation and alcohol awareness classes since he is a first time offender. Hopefully he doesn't turn into LiLo!
No word on what Khloe thinks on all of this, but sources connected to the star tell People (print edition) that she wants to save her marriage and hasn't given up on Lamar. She continues to wear her wedding rings.
Bethenny admits that she she is soured on the idea of a fairy tale love story. "Part of my identity was always looking for a man. I always wanted to meet someone – to complete you, take care of you," Bethenny acknowledges of her history with men and with reality TV.