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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back, but before we welcome the new, let’s recap the old! In season 4 the cast tried to tackle issues of betrayal, religion, and race mixed with diamonds, rosé and glamorous vacations. It didn’t work.

They also tried to drastically alter the status quo by staging a coup against Lisa Vanderpump. That also didn’t work. But it did teach us a very important lesson about intergalactic geography: Brandi Glanville is an alien invader from Planet Trash! That explains everything… 

Last season introduced us to one-failure-wonders, Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud (or shall we call her Hoyce, depending on how much we’ve had to drink?). Carlton made her storyline about how she was the living embodiment of all the bored middle-aged ladies yearning for their husbands to become Christian Grey, but instead they got stuck with Mr. Green who is working his boring job to pay for boob jobs, instead of tying them up with twist-ties and beating them with bananas atop the Etruscan marble breakfast nook while the maid vacuums in the background. Carlton decided to prove that a gal can have both by building a parents playroom (with the help of her icky nanny) and taking her MIL to the Hustler store for bikinis. 

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Kim Kardashian white dress birthday

Kim Kardashian (aka North’s MOM) recently posed for a scandalous nude photoshoot for Paper Magazine, which included a full-frontal and a very lubricated full buttal shot! Kim feels really good about making such boooty-ful art. Like helllllloooo – all naked stuff like is art! Even sex tapes?

Unfortunately for Kim she just doesn’t see what all the controversy is about – she’s like soooo proud of all the work she does and the amazing things that she has accomplished. Silly Kim doesn’t get that her shameless attention whoring is what’s behind the outrage, which did far more to #BreakTheInternet than yet another photo of Kim’s altered derriere!

“I was so honored and excited to work with [photographer Jean-Paul Goude] because he is a legend, and for me that was something I wanted to do to make myself feel confident,” the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star insisted. 

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ramona singer rocks navy blue halter top

Ramona Singer is having a tough time since ending her marriage to Mario Singer after a very public cheating scandal, but it seems the exes are both moving on and dating new people. 

Mario just resurfaced on match.com and Ramona was reportedly spotted leaing Bethenny Frankel‘s birthday party with a much younger hottie (aka, Sonja Morgan made her do it!). 

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james kennedy is re-fired from sur

Last night on Vanderpump Rules, some people could not move on. There they were, frozen in time, unable to let go, as they swam through the Cocktail Of Denial.™ Somehow I think that should be SUR’s signature drink.  

Oh Lisa Vanderpump – so kind, so forgiving, so understanding… WHY?! Stop That! Do not let them grovel in their Jax Taylor knitwear, bearing letters they begged their mothers to write in elegant calligraphy – you fired that Sangria-theiving James Kennedy, now stick to it! In the reoccurring theme of SUR, no one who is fired stays fired. Kinda like no one that has broken up stays separated for long. Case in point, Kristen Doute groveling to Tom Sandoval over a cable box and some ratty old clothes she got from Stassi Schroeder‘s goodwill box labeled: The Thin Days (Stassi looks great –  I’m only joking about her referring to her “love pounds”). 

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Vanderpump Rules loves a to dismantle a good (OK, horrible, no good, very bad) relationship, and this season will finally give Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz the opportunity to let their love be called into question. Oh goody! But first Katie questions whether or not James Kennedy is with Kristen for the right reasons… is it TV he loves, or Kristen Doute?!

Katie is hoping Tom 2 will propose, but Tom 2 seems to have a different agenda! And lucky for them, they’re not escaping the rumor mill that is Kristen SUR! 

“There are some pretty scandalous rumors that begin to surface surrounding Tom and myself so that really sends us on a bit of a roller coaster,” Katie admits. “Our relationship was really, really tested this summer.”

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 mama june appears in dumb & dumber to despite relationship with child molester

Well, I can’t say Mama June was cast inappropriate because her actions are both dumb and dumber (more like gross and grosser), but the former Here Comes Honey Boo Boo matriarch just announced that she’s appearing in the new Dumb & Dumber To movie!

Let’s all just first recognize that this was filmed before TLC canceled Honey Boo Boo because of June’s relationship with convicted child molester, Mark McDaniel. And before we all learned that it was the same man who actually molested June’s daughter Anna Cardwell

Anyway, June announced on Facebook that she is appearing in a cameo role as Jeff Daniel‘s wife in the new film.

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kenya gets redemption when Apollo admits he lied about her.

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a little redemption was served piping hot and brewed strong. Apollo Nida came clean about lies he told about Kenya Moore trying to get with him. The most shocking thing is that everyone was shocked Apollo would lie in the first place; liars lie, and so do criminals. 

Lord – these are trying times when I have to type the word “fellatio” over and over again, but so be it. Thank you Bravo. 

Apollo decided he could take no more of living in deceit – his soul needed purging, the man must be redeemed. Apparently two steps outside a prison cell he had an epiphany – and he ain’t gonna do bad no more! OK, well not quite, but Apollo finally copped up to lying about Kenya.

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apollo nida vs. kenya moore

Tonight is the second episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta‘s 7th season. Apollo Nida is doing everything he can to earn that paycheck before he leaves for prison, so he is once again confronting Kenya Moore about what went on between the two of them! The premiere already broke ratings records, so let’s hope all the drama lives up to its hype. 

Tonight we’re are supposed to finally get some resolve on the situation, in what Kenya promises will be a season of redemption as lies told about her are exposed as thus. Apollo crashes a party Cynthia Bailey throws to celebrate her fibroid-free sexiness. A party that also left several RHOA ladies off the guest list! 

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