Oh man, all season on Vanderpump Rules I have really been loving James Kennedy … Until last night, that is! Down goes the Jack Daniels, and James’ decency follows suit. He was a horrible, ATROCIOUS drunken buffoon to LalaKent and Raquel Leviss when he should have reserved that treatment for Scheana Marie. If only so Rob Valetta could rush in to be knight in shining armor and fix it. I hear he’s good at those sorts of things!
Scheana Marie invited a select group ‘non-assholes’ to Rob’s cabin in Big Bear. After the Toca Madera cheating non-scandal, she’s desperate to prove that some of her non-friends are capable of behaving like decent human beings. Except slim pickings. She can’t invite the Three-Headed SheBeasts who are too busy bedazzling scooters while fake crying apologies after their birthday party breakdowns (plus they started the rumor), so Scheana was forced to choose Jax Taylor and James?! Scheana is a cesspool of failed logic and I really believe all the therapists on this show are being wasted on Jax. Absolutely he is in need, but um… spread the ‘py, because there’s a six car pileup of people needing psychiatric attention.
Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta were in Barcelona where the most exciting sight they saw were the roaches (errrr… “water bugs”) in NeNe Leakes bathroom. Hey, I guess it beats some lame sightseeing tour, right?! This was Cynthia Bailey‘s fault – they were supposed to be visiting a church but their wonderful hostess hauled them all the way there only to discover it was closed. So they had to make their own entertainment, and that is never a good thing.
So, Barcelona: beautiful weather, gorgeous phallic buildings, stunning culture… yet all the same drama. You can take the girls out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the Atlanta out of the girls. From the moment the women land on Spanish soil, there is bickering and shadiness.
‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – that’s certainly the case with Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. There are some Real Housewives friendships I relish and delight in, and there are others, like these two, that fill you with a certain disingenuous dread (think Gretchen and Tamra). On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Dorit crossed one friend to try and secure another. And the worst part – despite copious warnings, she seemed oblivious! Like when the signs read: “Don’t swim! Shark invested waters” yet you you dive right in.
Actually the worst part is that after all the bickering between herself, Lisa Vanderpump, and Kyle Richards they all managed to have a rip-roaring, super wedgie-tastic, twerking good time getting drunk and silly at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s beach house. It was the perfect way to bond these girls and put all the bad blood behind them, then DORIT ruined it all! Dorit and her mouth. Can someone stuff a designer sock in it? PeeeeeeeKaaaaaay?
I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”
Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.
Usually the pre-trip Real Housewives episode is a snooze, but last night was the opposite. Maybe it’s because so many episodes of RHOA have been interrupted for important real life events like Holidays and Super Bowls (the butt-implanted Uber driver of Kim Zolciak‘s heart must have watched it pining wistfully; gently touching the TV with his mitts while Kim screamed KROOOOOOOOY in a voice so shrill it could be heard in the next dimension, and then threw a wig over his dreams flatscreen. Kim needs her solo cup refilled – and she needs it NOW!).
When we left off Cynthia Bailey had just discovered that her new beau Will possibly lied about having a girlfriend, and had been two-timing her all along. The news was dropped by NeNe Leakes‘ friend (and new ‘friend of’) Eva Marcille, a newcomer to Atlanta but certainly no neophyte when it comes to causing drama.
Tonight Cynthia continues to deal with the fallout from Eva’s accusation — which is exacerbated when Porsha Williams‘ also makes an allegation about Will’s behavior!
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills led to yet another issue between Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump about defining the boundaries of their friendship. I see both sides of this argument. I’d also like to remind them that in the middle of their bickering is a little follicle-ly unstable blonde woman named Dorit Kemsley, who cannot and will not stop talking shit about everyone she calls a friend.
Actually last night everyone (*except Dorit*) was more human. I credit Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s influence. She’s chill, relaxed, absent of pretense, and despite being publicly scolded and denigrated over inappropriate stemware application, she STILL invited everyone to her ‘beach cottage’ for a potluck. Something about casseroles and dips puts everyone in a ‘let’s get real’ mood. Huddled around Teddi’s kitchen island, surrounded by pita chips served from Pottery Barn dishes, the women all showed their vulnerable and softer roots as opposed to their usual Febreezed exterior.
Sometimes it’s not all diamonds and rose in Lisa Vanderpump‘s world. Sometimes the fancy parties held in her honor end in tears and the fancy restaurants she owns go up in smoke. Such was the case on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.
Lisa is now the Editor In Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which I’d always assumed was one of those free magazines, but because this is Beverly Hills that free magazine still is behooving of the fancy of Beverly Hills. Apparently it’s a thing people pay money for, which means Lisa wants a fancy party to celebrate her new position there. Makes sense. What does not make sense is that Lisa puts Stassi Schroeder in charge of said party. Predictably it’s a disaster.