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below-deck-mediterranean Captain Sandy's toast

Oh, Below Deck Mediterranean – y’all knew that you better bring your A++ Game when a friend of Captain Sandy Yawn‘s is the primary charter, but unfortunately Adam Glick was the only one studying up on How Not To End Up In The Bad Captain’s Log. Adam has been there, done that and you’d think Hannah Ferrier, a veteran of the naughty list herself, would know better!

Joao Franco is the douche of the high seas. A serious creep who makes my stomach churn like Kasey Cohen‘s aboard a super yacht! After ending their first crew night out by calling Hannah an over-the-hill goat, he bah, bah, blacksheeps about how he doesn’t have to listen to her because he’s his own man, not some chief stew’s bitch! Hannah sniffs that Joao’s nothing but a “chamois technician” – something which requires no skill, but somehow this show manages to find ALL the people who cannot handle the task!

Below Deck Mediterranean - Conrad Empson

Tonight the Below Deck Mediterranean crew is back and even with the charter guests from hell back on land, the seas are still rocky.

In episode 3 the yachties return from their first drunken night out as a group. After partying a wasted Joao Franco got rude and mouthy with Hannah Ferrier, then stumbled back to the boat to profess his lust for Brooke Laughton. Brooke, feeling vulnerable after recently being dumped, isn’t quite sure how to handle his confession and reveals to her mother that she’s trying to decide between giving Joao a chance or staying single. 

Scheana Marie Gushes About New Butt; Says She Cut Out Alcohol Sugar.

For once things haven’t gone to Scheana Marie‘s head – they’re going to her butt instead! She credits changing her alcohol consumption for her new enhanced physique. 

Scheana has long dreamed of being a Kardashian and now brags that her new ‘weight gain’ has only gone to her butt so she couldn’t be more pleased – except that she misses drinking beer. I mean she is an ass, so..

Luann de Lesseps

It was a close one for the former Countess! After she was arrested in Palm Beach over Christmas and charged with drunkenly assaulting an officer, Luann de Lesseps was on the hook for FOUR felonies (and one totally embarrassing arrest video), but upon accepting a guilty plea her charges will convert to misdemeanors.

Initially, the Real Housewives Of New York star was charged with violently resisting arrest, disorderly intoxication, and battery on a law enforcement officer – all felonies which would carry mandatory jail time, however after pleading down Luann will likely get off with probation and a fine. How do you say “Whew!” ala Francaise? 

Vanderpump Rules Trampoline Park

As always, I think the Secrets Revealed episodes are better than most of what we’ve seen throughout season. And Vanderpump Rules was no exception!

Jax Taylor is totally having a pre-midlife crisis. He’s too old for a quarter-life crisis (let’s be honest, no one expects him to live to be 120 years old) and technically he’s too young for a mid-life crisis, so he’s in a 2/3 life crisis, which means having 400 birthday parties dedicated to doing things kids should do. Like the trampoline park where Tom 1 suggests they play dodgeball on teams of Jax plus all the women he’s slept with, vs. Tom and all the people Jax hasn’t slept with! Bouncing boobs of many incarnations (Jax being the biggest boob of all).

Actually, it was the season of Jax, and, it was totally too much Jax (his shenanigans have overstayed their welcome), but here we go again! At least for the last time. 

Scheana Marie vacations in Hawaii with Robby Hayes

Didn’t Scheana Marie just vow to remain single for a year on the Vanderpump Rules reunion? She must be using a Scheana-centric calendar in the United Photoconglomorates Of Scheana Marie because she’s now dating former Bachelorette contestant Robby Hayes!

The Vanderpump Rules star has been vacationing in Oahu, Hawaii with Robby where they were seen holding hands and walking on the beach. So Scheana is swapping one Rob for another after being dumped by Rob Valetta?!

Real Housewives Of Orange County Season 13 - Shannon & Kelly head to Jamaica

The First Ladies of Bravo are soon to be upon us again! Bravo just announced that Real Housewives Of Orange County is coming back for season 13 with some casting surprises in store!

I’m probably the last surviving Real Housewives Of Orange County fan, but oh well! After years of toxicity I am so ready for a redemption season where Vicki Gunvalson is back in Tamra Judge‘s good graces (at least temporarily) and Shannon Beador is out on the dating scene and kicking David Beador where it counts. In the bank account, naturally! I’d also love to see the zany fun Shannon of her first season again. 

Below Deck Mediterranean - Kasey Cohen

This season of Below Deck Mediterranean is turning into whatever the ocean version of a trainwreck is? The Titanic? An attack by one-eyed pirates with a taste for five-star cuisine. Anyway, it’s an high seas hot mess and Captain Sandy Yawn better get savvy about the impending crash of her $80M dollar yacht. There ain’t no smooth sailing ahead – especially with these shellfish-fearing hellfish onboard!

The most awful charter guests ever are still, unfortunately, demanding the entire crew stop doing things to make the boat run and go on a scavenger hunt for nuts. These women are nuts, and the only nuts they’re gonna get are walnuts – even though they are also seeking the male variety. Forever out of stock on Motor Yacht Talisman Maiton! Seriously – where do they find these people, I wonder, before learning they are from Atlanta and deciding they are probably somehow related to the Real Housewives from Hell.