After a long, protracted, repetitive, and drawn-out season, Vanderpump Rules ended where it always does – in the beginning, with a tale of woe of Jax Taylor and Stassi Schroeder; two ships crossing in the night during a tsunami. Jax and Stassi didn’t have drama together (although Jax was gobsmacked by seeing Patrick in the flesh), but the epicenter of this show has always been Jax and Stassi.
Honestly it should because they’re both tragicomic heroes. Two people so miscalculating in their own effects, yet squandering so much potential that it almost makes me feel bad for them. All the characters on this show are like that to a degree, but none so poignantly as Jax or Stassi, one, a star-crossed failure, and the other a star-crossed hater who idealizes murder because she can’t confront her own painful insecurities.
Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta celebrated their 10 year anniversary by counting down their top ten moments. I cannot believe that I’ve had NeNe Leakes in my life longer than I’ve had my children in my life, but the Bravo universe is vast and all-encompassing!
I was expecting the Real Housewives themselves to weigh in on all the past drama and spill some behind-the-scenes secrets, similar to when other cities have done an anniversary. I was also expecting to get catch-ups from retired cast members like DeShawn Snow or Kim Fields, but instead we were just handed a ton of flashback footage to reminisce over. There were weddings, breakdowns (often those two things combined), walk-offs, shade wars, and vintage footage of Wigs with her Cigs.
I have so many thoughts on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion, but the thing I am most excited to discuss – the thing I’ve been waiting to talk about ALL WEEK – is Lisa Rinna‘s hair. It sort of looked like a mop head, no? But it was extreme soap opera and combined with the dress Lipsa obviously decided to bring what she lacked all season, pulling ‘SASSY LISA RINNA’ out of her duster pocket and lettin’er rip. So f–k you, Jeremy! And shut up Lisa Vanderpump.
These girls were quite petty last night, were they not? Like Erika Girardi seriously trying to shade John Mellencamp over a joke made by Andy Cohen that they should collaborate. She’s just bitter that her music will never actually be considered music. (She’s a peeeerrrrrrfffffoooormer). Why can’t Erika ever take a joke?! Insecure much.
Here’s what I was doing instead of writing a Vanderpump Rules recap: researching Captain Picard cookie cutters on the internet. But honestly, that might not be so far off-base. Any Star Trek TNG fans out there? Well, you should be – it would be super great if Captain Picard could beam down and save this mess from itself, because NO ONE interesting this season. Except James Kennedy, but that’s beside the point.
I’m supposed to be all bent out of shape and emotionally invested because Jax Taylor finally manned up enough to dump Brittany Cartwright. She reacted by storming out of their apartment amid a stream of twang-laced obscenities (which sounds like what happens when you mix Tang with beer from an aluminum can) and Jax reacted by stress-eating himself a piece of greasy leftover pizza then strolling down the hall to Tom and Katie’s.
It’s fair to say that it wasn’t just NeNe who slammed the door shut on Kim’s Housewives career but Andy as well (Go Andy, it’s your birthday…). Kim showed up all season emotionally tardy for the party and positivity challenged, and also maybe her brain had been injected with Botox so it froze recollection of all her actions, words, and bad behaviors. How many times did Kim claim something didn’t happen then cut to footage of her saying some atrociously hideous lie?
All-in-all it was a pretty lackluster season (Lisa Rinna we need you! Like your first and second season you, but I understand you’re scarred after Revenge of the Blue Bunny). When the major drama centers around Dorit’s early on-set dementia (why does this woman never remember anything accurately or at all?!) and hissy fits over etiquette she doesn’t have, or Kyle feeling unsupported, you knew it was gonna end on a fussy note. Which is fine – any time I get to see Kyle act a fool, I kind of relish it.
All it took for Jax to reach this inevitable conclusion was cheating with a friend, several screaming fights, a threatened moved to Florida for a fake job, a meltdown that nearly got him fired, meddling friends, a fake first date with a fake crush, the return to an abandoned identity, and one reiki instructor who fled to Africa! I mean would you stick around for the fall-out of that mess?
The Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion was going so well until Kim Zolciak showed up. I mean, people with feuds as old as their suddenly rejuvenated (and impregnated) ovaries were having civil discussions about those times they accused each other of being prostitutes to one-eyed Africans (do neither Porsha Williams nor Kenya Moore STILL not understand that ‘one-eyed’ referred to the African’s “D” – not that he’s an actual cyclops. Now you know KandiBurruss secretly wrote a “For The D” rap about that…). Then of course with all that peace, love, and Leave Will Alone, Kim Showed up.
Now that girl… Kim looked like she was wearing a Jessica Rabbit Halloween costume. And what on earth is Kroy Biermann doing with his life? He needs a Tabatha take over, because he’s apparently so depressed about being released from the NFL that he’s lost all purpose in life. It’s like the dude followed-up on a Craigslist post seeking personal assistant and wound up working for this crazy person who expects him to just follow around carrying her Solo cups and making sure all her outfits match said Solo cups – outfits he also has to pry her into using tweezers.