Below Deck

Jen Howell

Last night’s Below Deck charter was annoying “AF,” which is how lead charter guest Sarah liked to tag every last thing! I don’t know if she just learned to spell and wanted to prove that she can, or possibly that she thinks English is a dead language replaced by Hashtag Speak, but she was correct in labeling their group “H.M.E”: Hot Mess Express. More like Hot Mess Distress.

The happy couple was only happy if there was booze to be consumed, and her much-older fiance was essentially silent as she careened around the yacht complaining, tantrum-ing, and shrieking like Vicki Gunvalson. Shockingly the one thing aboard Valor that consistently impressed this charter group was Jen Howell. How’s that for a reversal of the status quo!?

Jen sasses Kate

On last night’s Below Deck, pretty much everyone was terrible. Except Bruno Duarte. Yes, Bruno was pretty much sugar, spice, and everything nice, but the rest of the crew…

Nico Scholly so does not care about cheating on his girlfriend anymore. From halfway around the world, Melissa is sensing that something is wrong and calling him an extra lot about why he’s distancing her. I mean, other than the whole ‘on a yacht in the sea’ thing, she means like emotional distance. The answer: Brianna Adekeye. Big ol’ UGH on that girl!

While Nico is getting his sea quests on, Matt Burns is trying to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. He suggests they get together while he’s on leave and is met with a flat-out “Nope.” She’s not interested. Strangely, eerily, after the hot mess express disaster he’s been, Matt takes this in stride… straight to the bar.

Instagram Round Up: Stassi Schroeder, Dorinda Medley, Kim Zolciak, Erika Jayne, & More!

Here it is: a brand new round up of reality TV stars’ social media photos to kick off your weekend!

Above: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stars Lisa Rinna, Erika Jayne, Dorit Kemsley, and Kyle Richards looking as fierce as ever. Lisa posted the photo and captioned it with “Snatched”- enough said.

Nico & Brianna flirt

So much happened on last night’s Below Deck that my head is spinning from all the activities! There were fights, and costumes, and kinda celebrity guests (not the exciting kind). There was also one of Matt Burns burn out episodes, sandwiched in between Brianna Adekeye and Nico Scholly‘s elicit romance (fauxmance? boredom-mance?). But at least, under the tutelage of EJ Jansen, the deck crew is finally getting their crap together. Too bad the same can’t be said for the stew crew!

The episode begins with Nico and EJ feuding over who is the bigger asshole. Remember boys, one finger pointing at each other means four fingers pointing back at yourself! EJ may have menacingly called Nico “buddy boy” while he seized possession of Valor from Nico’s ego, but Nico was still the bigger jerk for accusing EJ of being drunk and repeatedly calling him an asshole while storming around the boat, sulking, and then swearing to quit the next day if he wasn’t promoted to his rightful position as bosun.

Below Deck - Season 5

For those of you who are Below Deck fans, Kate Chastain recently launched a podcast called After Deck in which she gives the inside scoop on the show’s drama. This week Kate interview fired cast member Chris Brown on what it was like to be kicked off Valor, his portrayal on the show, and what he’s been up to.

Chris Brown reports that he’s currently “a happy camper.”  He’s left yachting for good and is living in Vegas working a high-end serving job at the Palazzo, and he loves it.  “I’m a culinary school drop-out,” he shares. “But I confidently believe I am one of the best servers on the planet.” Kate agrees, “Your talents do lie at front of the house.”

EJ Upsets Nico

On last night’s Below Deck one crew member went down, another almost sunk Captain Lee Rosbach‘s reputation, and a third got labeled a bitter Betty with the bad hair. Well, you can’t say these yahoos don’t try!

As they arrive in St. Barth’s, Valor is sailing into territory usually only charted by Real Housewives. It’s high season, which means multi-million dollar yachts, probably carrying celebrities and the stakes for keeping up with the Joneses – or the Falcons, rather, are high for keeping up. This is obviously foreshadowing, indicating that an ENORMOUS f–k up will happen. And who will go down. Duh, duh, duh.

Below Deck - Matt takes Brianna on a date from hell

Last night the Below Deck disasters got a new drill sergeant to whip them in to shape when Captain Lee surprised them by bringing EJ on board as the brand new bosun. He might be all “cool beans” and chipper smiles, but he’s using those tow lines as a whip faster than Chris Brown can say “Booooooze.”

Something about EJ is a little smarmy and shifty. Also insincere and hollow. Is he a robot? He seems to be relishing his role as savior of the Valor’s honor. He doesn’t have crazy eyes, but overly-intense eyes. He reminds me of Captain Dan from Forrest Gump maybe? This season is just too weird in general; nothing about casting makes much sense.

So, after a night of partying the crew is up and att’em to clean Valor, except for Chris Brown, who can’t be bothered to shove a mop while complaining about how hung over he is. Nico Scholly is pissed, and first thing in the morning while nursing the booze blues is no time to be angry.

ej-bosun-below-deck

Say hello to EJ! Tonight on Below Deck there’s a new bosun in town and some of the crew members aren’t too happy about it.

Captain Lee “re-configures” the crew to add in EJ as the bosun to help take some of the pressure off of Nico Scholly with the green deck crew, but Nico doesn’t seem overjoyed by the help.