Am I ready for this? That’s my first thought as I settled in last night for the fifth season premiere of Dance Moms. Immediately, I am distracted by Abby Lee Miller’s new hairdo. She looks like my middle school gym teacher circa 1988. She greets her favorites Maddie and Mack Z…oh, and Kendall and Nia as the ALDC pile in and shower her with gifts. I’ll give Abby a little bit of credit because she has lost a lot of weight. Of course, I am anticipating that Lifetime will let me down sooner rather than later. With Chloe missing from practice, Maddie reveals that she and Kendall have both attempted to text and Facetime their friend to no avail. Jill has her fingers crossed that Christi and Chloe will walk in the door. Holly senses a hole in their team, but she hopes the girls can overcome her absence.
In the pyramid, Abby congratulates the ALDC on their fourth Nationals win. Abby screams that Chloe was invited back, but her evil mother is keeping her from being part of the group. Off with her head! Who needs Chloe when you have ALDC: LA? Abby has determined that her troupe will no longer be just dancers. Each week they will focus on singing and acting as well. She will produce triple threats. Is it possible that my ears are already bleeding from her shrillness? The pyramid is more of a square this go-round, but there is a mystery fifth spot on the top. Kendall is on the bottom for coming in ninth overall. Jill is cut off before she can begin to defend her daughter. Oh, wait, Chloe is still on the pyramid, one up from Kendall. Nia is in third, followed by McKenzie. Surprise, Maddie is on the top!
I guess Santa is bypassing all of us this year. We’ve clearly been naughty. There can’t possibly be another reason why we’re being subjected to yet another season of Dance Moms…but we are! And I’ll be watching. I’ll consider my punishment for being so bad. However, no matter how naughty we’ve been, we’ll never ever be as horribly rotten as Lifetime’s cash cow Abby Lee Miller. It’s all an act, right? RIGHT??
For four long and tortuous seasons we’ve watched Abby belittle her young dancers while their mother snarked and plotted and forced us to take sides between bad and worse (I’m still not sure which is which!). Now (most of) the old gang returns thanks to their pesky iron clad contracts. Noticeably absent? Christi and Chloe (I don’t any will miss the former, but I’m so sad for the latter) who bid farewell after Abby’s constant bullying caused Chloe’s love for dance to fade…not to mention Abby making fun of her ocular condition. Returning? A very defeated looking Nia and an equally downtrodden Holly, Mack-Z, golden child Maddie and their mom Melissa, as well as Kendall and Jill, who Abby chastises for being a horrible mother more than once in the thirty second teaser. Good times! The twist? Christi and Kelly plotting to take down the ALDC. The show is back on Lifetime Tuesday, January 6th at 9PM/ET. You know I won’t be able to not watch!
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Apparently, the Judge who is presiding over Kelly Hyland’s lawsuit against Abby Lee Miller has never actually watched Dance Moms. Or maybe she did, and while she knows that Abby is nothing but hateful and cruel to her poor, sweet students (Maddie excepted, of course), Her Honor knows that the mothers featured on the Lifetime hit are every bit as crazy and ridiculous.
Whatever the case (no pun intended!), Kelly’s allegations of defamation and the infliction of emotional distress against Abby have been booted from her original complaint. The suit alleging $5 million in damages is still going forward, but it is now focusing on the remainder of Kelly’s claims, including negligence and breach of contract. I can’t wait to see how this plays out in court, y’all!
To be honest, the most pressing question that I hoped would be answered on last night’s Dance Moms reunion was if Lifetime just couldn’t afford to film a new intro sans Kelly Hyland and daughters Brooke and Paige…not that I mind seeing them each week, but it’s a bit strange. Right off the bat, Jeff Collins needs some matte powder to go with his newly darkened hair. Is he sweating from the stage lights or the guilt he feels for constantly promoting Abby Lee Miller? Speaking of, Jeff has Abby solo on the couch, and he applauds the Nationals win and questions how Abby feels about Chloe’s fifth place finish being the best solo number in the ALDC. Abby cites fierce competition as the reason…well, that and the fact she didn’t put Maddie in to compete. Wait, I thought Maddie refused when asked (you go, girl!). Abby then talks about Kendall’s disappointing routine in light of how strong she was last year as Jill gestures violently backstage via picture in picture. Abby’s all “I told you so” as the paid audience laughs.
I really, really got so heated when I was reading up on Chloe Lukasiak’s departure from Dance Moms. It was bad enough when I thought the horrible Abby Lee Miller called her “washed out,” but to learn that Lifetime had dubbed over what she really said makes me absolutely sick. Shame on these adults (all of them–the moms aren’t innocent either!) for putting these girls in this situation. No wonder Christi went off on Abby the way she did. Sure, she’s certainly done it before with less instigation, but still. Abby’s lucky, Christi didn’t poke her in the eye, just for good measure. I probably would have…
Thankfully, Christi and Chloe’s contract is up, and they are leaving the show. While I will certainly miss Chloe’s sweet nature and tremendous talent, but she needs to get away from that horrific dance teacher. Hey, if we’re lucky, Lifetime will get rid of their moneymaker and not renew the show. Am I the only one who wouldn’t miss it? Not surprisingly, Christi is still getting her digs in on the Twitterverse!