Last night on Don't Be Tardy, the Biermann family celebrated Christmas and argued about traditions. See, Kim Zolciak's traditions include dropping thousands upon thousands on tacky Christmas decorations like she lives in the White House where as Kroy Biermann's traditions include embracing the true meaning of Christmas: family and quality time.
Eventually in a Bravo-tized version of The Christmas Carol, Wigenezer Scrooge realizes Christmas isn't about Cartier and $4000 diamond-studded Christmas trees with a LV logo, but about the people you love the most!
Things begin with Kim trying to convince us she's a young woman of 35 by getting Thermage, a laser face lift. At first I thought Kim must be getting vaginal rejuvenation because her skirt slit was so high she was borderline in need of a black modesty bar to hide the ladybits. I was wrong though – apparently one just wears really revealing clothing to the dermatologist!
Things begin with a sullen Brielle watching KJ. Brielle decides to entertain him by putting him to work sweatshop labor style as her manicurist. Sadly, KJ's fine motor skills haven't totally refined yet and he gets nail polish all over his face. Hey toddler – go play with some toxic chemicals! Babysitting By Bravo.
Brielle is grounded from her cell phone, TV, and computer since her grades were bad. And unfortunately it's report card day and Brielle has failed math and science. She has a 90% in Spanish though which is good since Kim has hired Spanish-speaking nannies and the only thing Kim knows how to say is Tequila and Taco.
Welcome to the scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!
On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots.
So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive!
Let's all give thanks… Don't Be Tardy style. And what does that entail? Purchasing a pre-packed, pre-sliced turkey from a designer clothing store. More on this later.
On last night's episode Kim Zolciak's daughters were forced to deal with the Sins of the Wig, whose own parents have turned against her in the media over her alleged famewhoring. It was actually sad.
Things begin with Kim and her girls making something called "slutty brownies". They actually sound amazing. Brielle and Arianna want to make brownies from scratch, Kim argues for boxed mix especially in light of the fact that she doesn't even have sugar in her pantry.
A woman has recently come forward to share that she and Kroy were an item when he first started dating Kim. Are we seeing a pattern here? Of course, Kim has no time for this nonsense and is already on the defensive regarding her union to Kroy.
Uh oh… you know what they say about losing a man how you got 'em? And you know what they say about a mistress never changing her spots? Well, it seemsKim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann have found themselves in the midst of a lil cheating allegation. Once a wig-wearing mistress… always a wig-wearing mistress?
Kroy's ex-girlfriend, the one he had when he allegedly met Kim, is coming out of the woodwork to accuse the Don't Be Tardy star of cheating on her with Kim – and she's providing text messages that "prove" they were together. Let's investigate, shall we?
Elizabeth Seward alleges that when Kroy met Kim at Dancing With The Stars (and Sheree) Atlanta she was his long-distance girlfriend. The former Indiana Pacers cheerleader (who does not wear a wig) says they met at a party in Indianapolis in January 2010. “It was this whirlwind, love-at-first-sight thing,” Elizabeth tells In Touch.
Last night on Don't Be Tardy the Zolciak-Biermann fam wrestled with parenting roles and expectations. It seems that Brielle is a child after Kim Zolciak's heart and by that I mean, well… Brielle needs a bit of guidance!
Things begin with Brielle's math tutor showing up. I'm guessing Bravo casting scoured the neo-Reganite Young Republicans club and found the most traditionally "square" looking kid, begged him to come sit at Kim's house and pretend to tutor Brielle in math. I hope they warned him that he may be treated to an eyefull of Kim's lactating boobs, or Kim's boobs bursting out of an ill-fitting top.
Kim harasses "Phillip" about following Brielle on twitter and allegedly stalking her because he's a fan of Kim. AHAHA! Yeah right. Kim wishes. "As if I would ever let a fan up in my house," Kim tells us. She seems way too devoted to knowing which of Brielle's classmates are interested in her. The answer: none. Is Kim repeating Karen's behaviors now that Brielle is getting older?