Last night was the hour-long season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which means it was 60 whole long minits (57 if you do math like Mama does) of kuntry-kussin and hollerin! Anna finally had Kaitlyn, Honey brought the sass in a last-minute pageant, and freaking gnats drove everyone waving, slapping, shushing, cussing, flapping crazy.
So it all started out innocently enough. Mama had the grand idear of doing a famlee photo shoot in 100 degree heat down by the boat water. So they all trundle down these big rocks – even super prego Anna – to pose as the four sisters while Mama stands under the bridge directin' things. Everybody has dressed up – which means even Mama put on some make-up and I must say she looks sweet. Family star Alana is dressed to the nines, but she left her A-game pageant attitude back at the convenience store down the road cause she was crotchety all day. And she got mud alover her clothes within five minites of gettin' thayre.
Alana says she doesn't do well with heat. After much bickering and Sugar Bear showing up in a t-shirt, claiming he only dresses up for funerals – the family gets some cute photos. The photographer has already changed her number just in case they ever call her again. She just doesn't have the stamina for Boo Boo bickering. Apparently holding hands and walking together was the most challenging part of the day for them – getting along, unlike couponing, is not their strong suit. I think they should make those free family coupon books – like, 'This coupon is good for one free hug.' Remember those?
Honey Boo Boo has been warning us since the first episode…there's flesh eatin' bacteria in dem waters in Georgia. Now poor Sugar Bear has fallen victim to some sort of funk (thankfully not of the flesh-eating variety), and it was even rumored that he might lose his leg.
The injury occurred during a mud-bogging outing, which is a fancy term for off-roading in a giant mud pit. Duh! After crashing, Shuggie cut his leg (pretty badly, it sounds), but who needs medical care? Not this guy! Plus, isn't it an old remedy to pack cuts with tabaccy? Unfortunately for Sugar Bear, he didn't do that either, and the cut got super infected. I am gagging just thinking about it!
First of all, I'd like to give a huge "WAY TO GO!" to Mary for a job well done with the Silver Fox yesterday. While she's recuperating from rubbing elbows with celebrities and trading Housewives gossip with THE Anderson Cooper, I will be taking over the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo recap. It almost feels like Christmas! To be totally honest, this family had me "neck rust." Of course, I don't have to tell you that last night's episode did not disappoint. I forced my friend to watch it a few weeks ago because he's from the next county over and is familiar with the Kuntry Stoe (it's apparently somewhat famous among tee-niny Georgia towns). He could only stomach about five minutes of it, but he is also pretty sure he knows people who went to high school with June. His girlfriend shared with me last night, and I quote, "He's told me about a thirty times how he lives close to Honey Boo Boo." It appears everyone has been touched by this little pageant angel.
The show ran the gamut, from Alana's seventh birthday party to June and her money-making schemes (extreme Bingo-ing, y'all!) to make-up lessons to meeting Miss Georgia…who, by the way, doesn't fart. I know you're totally shocked by that information. I just can't get enough of these people. Sit back on your velour pee-stained sectional (hold it in, Chickadee!), stroke your deer yard art, and enjoy.
You know, I often think that if we normal people would just ignore all things Kardashian, the family would slowly fade into obscurity. Of course, I realize the irony of me wishing this would happen while blogging about them. I also realize it is never going to happen if non-normal (read: wacky celebs and "news correspondents") people keep giving them the time of day.
That said, I have an announcement to make. I am now watching Good Morning America for the first time ever. I don't know why I waited this long as I think George Stephanopoulos is hot, and I adore Amy Robach. The TODAY Show is dead to me. I'm sorry, Al Roker. I'll always think highly of you, as I know the show stripped you of extra time with your best pal Ann Curry, but to Matt Lauer (I blame you for Ann!) and the rest of the morning show's cronies, I say, for shame. (P.S. I still heart you, Willie Geist!)
Last night on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo we were treated to more redneck living. It's sort of becoming an anthropology experiment at this point. This time we examined their diet in the wild. Don't these people have some pageants to do?
Anyway things begin with the local morning trek to mecca, aka the convenience store about 100 yards from their house. Mama, tired of the girls, ships them off to procure the daily necessities. Apparently Pumpkin often makes this journey styled in what the manager calls the "Bam Bam Look" – which means NO SHOES. Whatever happened to No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service?
Yes – the employees know them all by name as they're reg'lars at the slurpee machine. Pumpkin spends so many hours hanging out there Mama has to call her to come home. Wasn't this a Family Guy episode? Whaddya wanna bet Pumpkin manages that convenience store some day and then starts her own franchise. Dream big. Big as a pumpkin!
Who isn't addicted to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? Not only has the show spawned some epic one-liners, I really think this cheese ball consuming, mud bogging, auction food buying, subtitle requiring family really does care about one another.
Now June Shannon, the forklift foot suffering matriarch, is speaking out to all her haters…and she even has a famous hater among them!
On last night's episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo the family celebrated Fourth of July southern redneck style. It included parties on the lake, gourmet meals, cabanas on the lawn, luxury shopping, chauffeured cars, and sunbathing and swimming. So relaxing. But before all that they had to get to pamperin'. Shhhh… It's A Wig!
Honey needs a new pageant "wiglet" or a semi-full piece to add accent to her hair so they go to some place called Shhh… It's A Wig. Which may just be the best thing any of these Boo Boos have ever heard. Well, except Chubs. She lays down on the floor for a nap. Snore… It's A Wig!
Although the wig they put on Honey looks a lot like a Dolly Parton gone electrocuted, the family decides to have fun with it and do a wig fashion show. The store clerk deems them very interesting while she hopes they leave before breaking anything and that her establishment gets plenty of business courtesy of TLC.
Oh, lawd. Well, it's happening… I'm being held hostage and forced to write recaps of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I oughta just call these recaps: Memories Of The Mountain State: The Reality TV Homecoming Of Mary McClelland.
So last night baby Kaitlyn nearly came out of Anna's biscuit before she was done bakin' or bacon depending on who you ask: Mama or Honey Boo Boo.
Seventeen-year-old Anna started having contractions at 34 weeks and said they made her vajayjay hurt. Girl, I have got to tell you – THAT is called pregnancy. So they called 9-1-1 and raced Anna to the hospital in an am'blance. Seriously. Did the pageant mobile not have gas in it? Did Honey put spray tan in the tank? Mama yells at her not to push.
At the hospital Anna is disappointed she is in pain and has stuff on her stomach. Well, stuff comin' out of yer coochie is what having a baby is like, Anna. It hurts a lot more comin out than it does goin' in, girl! The doctors send Anna home and she's on strict bedrest. No baby Kaitlyn yet – Mama is relieved because taking care of a premie is a lot of work. Honey Boo Boo pokes at Anna repeatedly to make sure she's not pushing out a bacon. All clear.