Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies bored us to death and then got crotchety and bitchy at Portia's fourth birthday party. I don't know about you, but I always aim to get my drunk on and cause some trouble near the ring-around-the-faux-unicorn corral. Don't step in the shit, girls!
Before all that there were Househusbands in heels, some really bizarre timing, and a peace offering tree trunk that landed like deadweight and the fall was heard round the BH. Oh, and stage moms from hell! Weeee!
Watching this show makes me think that the zombie apocalypse will come from fillers and Botox eating the brains of the living and causing us to look like melted wax-faced drones incapable of moving our faces and conveying emotions. Brainless and melty faced, the streets of Beverly Hills will be filled with ladies hobbling around similarly to the way Paul Nassif and Mauricio Umansky did in their heels.
So things begin with Kyle Richards and Adrienne Maloof spending my yearly paycheck on clothes for Portia. Is $300 the standard budget for a birthday present there or is this just price inflation at work because four-year-olds spill a lot and do not need zillion dollar wardrobes (or birthday parties).
Of course the real reason for this shopping trip had absolutely nothing to do with poor scapegoated Portia; the real reason was so Adrienne could talk about her nemesis, Lisa Vanderpump. Apparently Adrienne is ready to put the past behind her but Lisa is unwilling to forgive, that makes Lisa "childish."
Adrienne claimed her six-year-old son Christian had several broken fingers after being with Paul and she not only took him to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but she involved LA Child Services to investigate the matter!
According to TMZ, Adrienne told doctors the injuries were sustained when Paul and their son were "playfully kicking each other" and then Paul pushed Christian to the ground causing the injuries.
The scariest part of the ordeal is that doctors still don't know what is wrong with Brandi. After suffering from chest pains and finding a benign lump under her arm, there is still no diagnosis for the brash mother of two. While the hospital trip doesn't seem to be slowing Brandi down–she's still going to be on Watch What Happens Live tonight–it still has to be unnerving to have such a health scare.
Sources tell TMZ that once the money matter was settled, the parties agreed to dissolve their marriage no problem! Apparently the secret sauce to working things out was getting extended families involve. Both Paul's brother Chris Nassif and Adrienne's brother Joe Maloof led the pair through financial mediation so no one felt they were getting screwed.
The former couple released a joint statement today:
"We're happy to announce we have reached agreement on a settlement. There has been so much untrue negative innuendo and destructive rumors beyond our control … We want the best for each other and we're confident we can help each other make a continuing positive impact with our children. Our goal is for our children to have stable and nurturing relationships with both of us so we can all find as much happiness as possible. We appreciate the good wishes we continue to receive from our supporters around the world."
Finally, a new housewife that I'm super excited to see! I have always held a special place in my heart for the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It's not because I like their personalities more than the women of the other franchises. I think I'm just enthralled with their amazing lifestyles. They are head and shoulders above the other housewives when it comes to vacation homes, couture, and bling. I'm addicted!
What's even more exciting about the RHOBH cast is that the newbies are stirring up more drama than their veteran counterparts. You have to love when a new addition comes into the situation with guns blazing. It's awesome. Having already decided that Yolanda Foster was going to be my dark horse favorite, I am disappointed in myself for not giving more credit to Marisa Zanuck. As viewers, we haven't been introduced to this firecracker yet, but she's already schooled in working the media. How can you not respect that?
Smearing a bunch of concealer on your lips is not cute – it's disturbing. Just as wearing "suntan" pantyhose is not cute. Why do you want to look lip-less? Especially when you've surgically enhanced them already?
On the bright note, Splits Richards only wore ONE caftan-y garment last night. That's like some kind of reality TV milestone, right?
Also what think you of the intros. I thought they were all cute, HOWEVER Taylor's about 'working too hard for this zip code' was not appropriate in my opinion.
So let us begin… Lisa Vanderpump levitates above these ladies like the fabulous beacon of pink glow that she is. She is the goddess of this bunch, like Glenda The Good Witch on Wizard of Oz. And now she has moved to a fabulous new home – far more chic than her old overblown digs. That closet. Her glow-y, plush bedroom. I really wish Lisa would adopt me and then I could throw away all her pink satin blouses embellished by Pandora's bedazzler and we'd be one big happy, wine-sipping family.