Last night on Real Housewives of Miami bridges to the past were burned as everyone focused on getting over it, moving forward, and embracing the positive. Except for Lenny Hochstein – he embraced the liposuction and actualized his dream of looking like Romain Zago of being a swimsuit model.
Things begin with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa meeting for breakfast to discuss why they hate each other. Joanna stuck to non-alcoholic beverages and that ensured that no eggs were thrown in anyone's face (boring!) despite Adriana being an hour late. In the end Adriana apologizes for calling Joanna "Ho-anna" and insinuating she was an escort, although she tries to blame the whole thing on Lea Black! All is good… for now! Personally I don't know how Joanna resisted the urge to knock that goofy white hat off Adriana's head.
A Housewife will hawk just about anything! From cookbooks to hair care, these ladies are all about putting their name on a product. However, what about the stuff that they use before they put their names on something? When fans compliment these women on their hair or their skin or their donkey booty, the housewives got these from a particular product…and not one that they created themselves!
It's only after they are recognized for this attribute that some handler believes it's a good idea for said housewife to create her own line of butt-lifting underwear/press-on nails/horse shampoo/insert product here. Am I right? Let's take Lisa Hochstein from Real Housewives of Miami, shall we?
It pays to have connections! Lisa Hochstein chipped her tooth at 1 a.m. and thankfully she has friends in all the right places – Karent Sierra DDS to the rescue.
Lisa chipped the tooth at her friend Carrie's birthday celebration and her former Real Housewives of Miami co-star Karent took the emergency call, offering to meet Lisa at her office. Lisa shared Tweets and photos of the traumatic morning, "@karentsierra and I at 1 am in her office fixing my chipped tooth. I don't follow instructions well lol #acid #dentist #drkarentsierra this should be on #rhom. Came to my rescue at 1am! #loveher #goodfriend best #dentist ever".
Karent fixed her up and was glad to see Lisa's "hillbilly smile" gone. "Happy to have been able to take care of my friend @lisahochstein #dentistsaregoodfriendstohave. Looking fabulous Miss Lisa! No more hillbilly smile @lisahochstein #smile #teeth #emergencydentist #dentalspa". (How many hashtags can they cram in one Tweet?)
This is why it's important to never burn those reality TV bridges, ladies!
Apparently while many of us struggle to pay rent, some of us struggle to find ways to spend our money. Oh to be a Real Housewife of Miami!
Lisa Hochstein found true love when she received her first Birkin and she's been on a path to reclaim that feeling ever since. In her embarrassingly gushing sollioquy espousing the glory that is Hermes last night she bounced up and down like a five-year-old in a candy store at the thought of amassing more of these glorious $20,000 creatures. They are, after all, so rare that every Housewife in every city owns like 9 of them. #Firkin
In a new blog, Fembot continues her Birkin lovefest. Does she think Hermes will pony up a free bag if she praises them enough? "Lea [Black]and I both love Birkins. She is a seasoned collector," Lisa begins, wishing upon wishes that she were Lea Black instead of upstart Lisa Hochstein.
"I know it sounds ridiculous to spend that kind of money on a handbag, but I like to look at them as an investment. They hold their value forever if you take good care of them," Lisa explains. How about looking at a college degree as an investment? "Although I have no intention of ever selling my Birkins, many times they are resold for a much higher price." Oh – well good to know. In fact, that's how she can get more. Screw the waiting list and offer to pay off some of the other Housewives debt in exchange for one of their old Birkins!
I dunno… maybe Real Housewives of Miami is growing on me. It's so… glossy. I mean, I'm a girl who loves a soap opera and since reality TV is just as staged and melodramatic as Revenge, why not amp up the glamour and make it look as glossy as Revenge. Although if Emily Thorne ever sports leopard print tuxedo trousers with a neon racing stripe Imma have serious issues.
So last night the bionic blonde trio of Lea Black, Joanna Krupa, and Fembot Fakenstein traveled to LA for a little wedding planning. You wouldda thought it was the first time these broads had been on an airplane before with all the handycam footage they were shooting. Lisa gleefully popped a tranquilizer of some sort then put both legs behind her head contortionist style and bragged that Lenny really likes that move. Um… I have never seen an adult woman that flexible – even in yoga – did she get her hipbones removed or something? Is she entirely made of high-grade silicone. She's definitely a fembot.
Then they arrive at Joanna's LA home, which is really pretty. Lisa looses track of her giant suitcase, which weighs approximately double what she does even when she wears 7" platforms. It starts rolling away from her down the driveway. She takes off after it fearing for the life of her Louboutins and ends up in the street desperately tripping over the giant thing. That was seriously the funniest scene I've ever seen on this show. It was classic and adorable.
One thing I appreciate about Joanna is her ballsy candor and she really does seem unafraid to put herself out there, lack of sex life and all! In a new interview with A Drink With… blog, Joanna dishes on the show and insists she's exactly how she seems on TV!
"What pisses me off are people who try to pretend like they are so perfect, I’m not going to name names but it’s really annoying," Joanna says. "Just don’t pretend that you are somebody you’re not!"
One thing she does think was misrepresented about her was that she is an alcoholic. "I don’t have an alcohol problem! Last season was really tough for me because I’m a lightweight," Joanna insists. "After I have one or two drinks if somebody pisses me off I get really verbal."