Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies ventured into unseen territory. It was truly a trip to OZ. There were sparkling pageant lights and shimmering runways, food that looked like vaginas and not food, beautiful music, and one Wicked Witch from the West stealing The Good Witch's crown and being sweet as a mid-summer Georgia peach. What was this strange world of successes and peace? Better watch out ladies, a twirl is a'comin and it might just drop a mansion right on your heads. And your little dogs too…
Things begin at The Bailey Agency. Cynthia Bailey is whirling around putting up flyers about the Miss Renaissance pageant. It's happening like now! And who should waltz through the door but a giant bottle of ketchup and mustard! Oh no, just Kenya Moore being sweet and kind and wearing a strange combination of red and yellow (or my TV is colorblind). I guess it was summery…
Kenya has her little dog with her and also a little model who has big dreams of Vogue covers and barely covers her butt crack in skintight zebra pants and a crop top. Kenya is mentoring this poor girl. I'm guessing she got the come-to-Jesus lecture about coochie cracks, which is why she wore that…
On last Sunday's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta there was pageant drama! Yes – more pageant drama, but thankfully no donkey booty nonsense.
Cynthia Bailey unceremoniously fired Porsha Stewart from her volunteer position on the Miss Renaissance pageant because Porsha apparently wasn't working hard enough for free. In her Bravo blog Porsha expresses her surprise at what happened behind her back and doesn't really understand why Cynthia was upset with her in first place!
Upon arriving at The Bailey Agency for a pageant meeting, Porsha says she didn't know Cynthia was annoyed until she walked through the door – then she was perturd! "When I sat down and saw the look on Ms. Bailey’s face, I knew something was up. Little did I know it was some mess about me not wanting complete strangers over to my house for a business meeting for her pageant."
"I must say I threw Kordell’s name in the mix to add to my response, but in actuality I made the decision not to have it in my home on my own. I sincerely felt if she didn't want to meet at her office, fine, and I even offered to pay for lunch elsewhere anytime, but to turn my home into an office? Um, no. It was something I thought was a small and private conversation with Ms. Bailey as a friend. How quickly I learned that all things discussed in private aren't so private with her," Porsha hints.
The wedding was for celebrity wedding designer Preston Bailey and his long-time fiancé, Grammy nominated singer Theo Bleckmann. Friend of the couple Joan Rivers officiated the ceremony in front of a star-studded guest list that included our NeNe, Cynthia, and Gregg, along with Martha Stewart and others.
“Doctors have diagnosed me with placenta previa, which means I need to be careful this time around because I can’t have a vaginal birth,” Phaedra reveals. She will be having a scheduled c-section in May.
Phaedra previously shared that the family was hoping for a girl, but maybe next time. “I would entertain a third child, but I would have to guarantee that it was a little girl," Phaedra reveals. "I think that would be plenty after that."
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta things were light on crazy and heavy on confusion, double-speak, and tiaras. The most confusing thing happening was figuring out what languagePorsha Stewartand hubby Kordell are even speaking. I mean Porsha definitely lives in a world of her own vocabulary where meanings and pronunciation are like, kinda, irrelevind – right?!
As for Kordell, he's the king so he do what he wants and decided to tackle a little problem of Housewives diplomacy. There's no use! Is Kordell an otherworldly genius or just… um… well, not?
In other antics Cynthia Bailey decided being the hostess of a pageant also made her the queen of all she sees. Lady Bailey was rocking her little rhinestone tiara all over town in the hopes some fool would take notice of her regality – which also equated with being a biatch. I'm sure Porsha would describe it as bitchgality.
So let's begin… Kordell is turning the big 4-0. Which is like the new 15 or something. To celebrate his bithday Porsha is throwing him a Harlem Renaissance themed party. Since she's also helping Cynthia with the Miss Renaissance pageant, she's busting out a pageant gown-cum-Josephine Baker collection of dresses that are perfect for the twirl and wave. She's been reviewing Kenya Moore's Miss USA footage and practicing in secret.
'Here she comes… Miss America. Oh I mean, Miss WHOOOOOOO-S-AAAAAAAA…. '
First up, Phaedratells OK! that she has only put on a paltry 11lbs as she rounds out her second trimester and her doctors only expect her to gain 15-16lbs total by the end of her pregnancy! Huh? Is she even eating for one? "It's a little low," Phaedra concedes, "but I'm sure the baby will be healthy."
"I'm very busy: I'm a full-time student, full-time mom, have a law firm, work in a funeral home, I'm involved in the community, have a husband… So you know, I really don't have have time to think about food as much as some people. I live to work, not live to eat."
Throwback Thursday time! A long, long time ago in the dawning of a televised civilization when reality TV was a zygote in the mind of an executive, Kenya Moore descended upon the Miss USA stage coated in sequins and smiles.
It was an era of videotapes and grainy pictures, of televisions so enormously heavy two strong men couldn't carry them into a living room. It was the time of hammer pants and music actually being played on MTV. It was a society where AquaNet reigned supreme. And until Beyonce quoted her at the Super Bowl, it was a young, undercover crazy Kenya's crowning moment.
Behold: Before They Were Famous – Real Housewives of Atlanta edition! Below is footage from Kenya's epic crowning 1993 moment. There were no twirls. No one shrieked "Gone With The Wind Fabulous!" The sheen of desperation hadn't settled permanently into her skin and Kenya glistened with promise and opportunity.
In short, Krayonce hadn't been born. Miss WHO-S-A indeed! Get it girl! And credit where credit is due, Kenya looks great and that seriously was an amazing accomplishment. Beyonce never looked so good.