On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County there were bombs over Coto. Gretchen Rossi took the stage – or rather was hoisted up there – and bombed. And Vicki Gunvalson received a news bomb that rendered her speechless for the very first time in television history. Really, has anyone ever seen Vicki speechless? Cause I haven’t. The theme of this episode might as well of been ‘Surprise! By Vicki Gunvalson’ because she had all sorts of emotions we’ve never seen before…
Well, it finally happened. Gretchen put on her sequined leotard, hopped on stage, and belted her little song out. She did it in the same manner as a drunk sorority girl at a karaoke bar – she just screamed it into the mic and didn’t even bother with that whole being in tune thing. Right after Alexis Bellino prayed to our Lord Jesus to give Gretchen a voice and a miracle, the World Renowned Dance Troupe known as The Pussycat Dolls took the stage to shove their twats in people’s faces. They’re right up there with the NY Ballet, didn’t you know.
Tamra Barney, whose front row seat gave her quite the eye-full, can now deliver a baby, perform a pap smear, and administer a Brazilian wax all after a five minute performance. The funniest thing about the show was Vicki and Alexis being completely in denial about their significant other’s enjoyment of the PCD gyrations and thrusts. Vicki claimed good ol’ boys from the south have never seen such things. Oh yeah… huh.
Apparently Jim Bellino was just having an awful time! Just the worst. I mean he’d rather be at the church sewing circle. I mean ugh, there were drinks and pussy cat dolls and scantily clad pussies, oh my! I mean, no straight red-blooded man would be interested in that sort of thing. He’d much prefer to be home on the sofa watching HGTV, snuggled up next to Alexis, wearing her breathe-right strip. He was only there as a supportive partner. Uh huh. We all know Jim is not about sin city. I mean he hates vanity, gluttony, greed, sloth, and pride!
A few months ago we were all shocked to learn that not only was Vicki Gunvalson‘s totally down to earth (and surprisingly sane) daughter Briana Wolfsmith engaged, but that she had eloped in Vegas! Tonight Vicki will learn of Briana’s impromptu marriage to Ryan Culberson. For those of you (like myself) wondering if Briana eloped to avoid having her mama micromanage every detail of her wedding; apparently that wasn’t the reason!
Ryan and Briana will be renewing their vows in a lavish wedding ceremony this month – and guess who was on hand to obsess about every detail? Vicki, of course! Star Magazine spoke to Briana about the ceremony and how everything is going now that she’s a Mrs.
Briana and Ryan will be exchanging vows in Santa Barbara on a cliff overlooking the ocean in an late afternoon ceremony, followed by sunset cocktails and an evening reception. “We’re having a live band to kick off the evening’s festivities,” Briana adds.
It took Vicki and Briana six months to plan the ceremony, which Briana describes as intimate. “It’s kind of small. We’re only inviting 75 to 100 people… mostly family and very close friends.” I guess that means Bravo did not receive an invite. I hope! “The only issue I have is that we are over budget,” Vicki reveals. “We are at about $47,000, but who’s counting?”
“We spent a little bit more on food and the venue, which we think is so important. We spent money where it counts.” Well $47,000 is nothing compared to Pandora Todd and Kim Zolciak‘s seven-figure affairs!
Last week the writing was on the wall (can these ladies read?) for Alexis and former BFFL Gretchen Rossi when Gretch not only insulted one of Lex’s part-time careers—the newscastering one—but she claimed Alexis was the producers second choice. And who was the first choice? None other than Gretchen, herself! Some girls have all the luck – she’s part of a world renowned dance troupe, she’s dating Slave Slimey, and Fox5 thinks she’s news worthy! #jealous
Upon learning that she was Gretch’s sloppy seconds, Alexis was hurt, and offended. Hey, who wouldn’t be? I mean they are supposed to be friends, right? So Lex decided to do what all good newscasters do—a little investigative journalism! “The minute Gretchen left my home I called my Fox Five producer to confirm if this was true, and she said it was absolutely not true,” Alexis reports in her Bravo Blog. “They were only asking Gretchen to do one segment as a co-host with me, and had no plans ever of giving Gretchen her own correspondent position.”
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Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!
This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has been the equivalent of friendships in a blender, as the ladies have swapped buddies, traded aliases, and gotten us all mixed up with the flavors! First, Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossibecame BFFLs, bonding over blowjob helpers and bad dye jobs. And now, Alexis Bellino and Vicki Gunvulson have apparently discovered they have much more in common than their television jobs—the Bravo one, obviously, not the newscastering one.
While it’s no stretch to see Tamretchen joined at the hip and cackling, Vicki and Alexis (Vilexis?) are quite the odd couple. But apparently, Paula Abdul was right and opposites attract.
Taking to her Bravo Blog, Alexis explains how she and Vicki went from enemies, to frienemies, to friends. “The friendship between Vicki and I wasn’t immediate. It has taken three years for Vicki and I to GROW into our friendship. Yes, Vicki said some mean things about me in the past, and yes I wasn’t always the kindest to her. However, we have both been very open about the fact that we wanted to try to make amends over three years, NOT OVERNIGHT!”
And, of course, their former best friends defecting to enemy lines had absolutely nothing to do with Vilexis’ bond. “Vicki and I were trying to make amends last year, before Tamra ever thought about scheming a friendship with Gretchen, so don’t let Tamra or Gretchen fool you that Vicki and I are only friends because those two became friends.”
“The friendship between Vicki and I is not out of convenience, nor is it contrived. Vicki and I have both said we have nothing to dislike the other person for, and we really enjoy being around each other,” Alexis adds. “Not only that, but Vicki apologized to me for everything in the past and said that if Tamra hadn’t been in her ear she would have gotten to know me and befriended me sooner.”
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies went “glamping.” Apparently this is a thing. I feel deprived that I’ve never heard of it. Well, except for the 32,000 times I’ve watched Troop Beverly Hills. Too bad no Red Feathers jumped out of the bushes to steal their wine!
Things start out with Vicki Gunvalson paying a visit to her formerly big-boobed friend Tamra Barney. Poor little Tammie Sue is just that – little; as in now her boobs barely exist. Vicki is disappointed Tamra has gone for the Big R (reduction). And warns her those new itty-bitty things she stuck on her chest with the new itty-bitty dime-sized nipples were a mistake, namely because who wants to look, you know, like they have normal sized boobs and lose feeling in their nipples.
Tamra questions Vicki about the fight with Sarah Winterchester, of the Beaumont Winterchesters, of the boot-leg handgun smuggling operation. She’s a direct descendant of the other Sarah Winterchester – who had no children, didn’t you know? Anyway, Vicki tells Tamra that Sarah is crazy and Alexis Bellino, of all people, called her about it. Tamra is flummoxed and if her boobs weren’t tightly bound with sixteen layers of ace bandage, her nipples would have perked up like little antenna on alert for weirdness. See, Vicki hates Alexis – she’s dumb! And Vicki called Jim Bellino a “smelly dork.” #truth. Vicki is apparently changing her tune about ol ‘Lex – and defends their friendship by explaining, “You can’t fix stupid.” Ok, then!
Tamra thinks Vicki is befriending Alexis out of spite because she became friends with Gretchen Rossi. And Tamra just wants Vicki to know she sees right through her schemes – which are as transparent as those of her own. Birds of a feather, ladies, birds of a feather…
So glamping is happening. Glamping is glamorous camping. A rare and special art-form invented and perfected by Phyllis Nefler – my Queen, and, I imagine, many of yours. Who else thinks Heather Dubrow fancies herself a bit of a grown-up Chica Barnfell?
Alexis is stuffing marshmallows into ziplock bags with her glammy, turned assistant, turned post-op nurse, turned hanger-on-famewhore, turned friend, Shannon. Not that I think their relationship is suspect or anything. Shannon is twittering about how cute and fun this trip is going to be and how Alexis is amazing for pulling it all together – nose job and all! Is this the longest nose job recovery in recorded history or what?
Apparently, Alexis is still not allowed to bend over, but she can go glamping if she brings someone – not a nurse – just someone with her in case her nose starts to bleed. So if Shannon sees blood she has to rush over to wipe it. I’m sure there’s some spare Alexis Couture handy.
Also, glamping: Heather, Vicki, Briana, and possibly Gretchen. Tamra, is unfortunately, also recovering from plastic surgery and is forced to stay home. Although Tamra would rather have major surgery than be stuck in the woods with Alexis, so something tells me Bravo wouldn’t have been able to convince her to go no matter what! Unless there was some cabin pranking happening, ala The Parent Trap!
Eddie visits Tamra at home. The finger he broke on the mud rug is now set in some sort of epic cast. Poor Eddie. Through it all he is carrying a massive vase of flowers – that neither he nor Tamra are allowed to really be lifting so they do this awkward, unnerving, juggling thing to transport it to the coffee table. Tamra’s house is a little depressing – she needs some decor and some paint.
Tamra whips out her old implants (which she is handily using as ice bags) to show Eddie just how huge her knockers once were! I so knew she was going to save those puppies – and I so bet she sent them to Simon as a final parting gift. She probably threw them in the envelope with the signed divorce papers. And that is why I love Tamra – she totally knows how weird she is. Tamra stacks both boobie bags on top of each other to demonstrate that is how big one of Alexis‘ boobs are – holy wazoo!
Eddie tells her the new chest looks beautiful and natural – and a lot less hooker/stripper than than the old one. And they both honk the newbies for a test-drive.
Meanwhile, Gretchen is preparing for glamping with a special packing list Slave Smiley has prepared for her. Again, he doesn’t work for her. He’s just doing what a “supportive partner” does. Cook, clean, micro-manage, secretarial duties, grunt labor…. Slave doesn’t want Gretchen to go glamping, and he really doesn’t even want her to talk. He so just doesn’t want to hear her voice. He insists she text him with her needs and wants. Again, he doesn’t work for her.
Gretchen wants to go cause it would mean so much to Alexis. On the other hand she has this chance of a lifetime Pussycat Dolls Performance coming up and her voice is still hoarse and raspy. You know, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Gretchen as no one, ever again, would hire her to sing.
Slave still doesn’t think she should go citing it’s his job to make sure she is rested and ready to go for the PCD – it’s his only responsibility, in fact. Hey, he said it – not me! Gretchen agrees she’ll stay home and not talk. Just a reminder: He doesn’t work for her.
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If you think we are done discussing the asinine bowling alley fight from last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, we aren’t. And if you think that Heather Dubrowis ever going to live down her comments that the Orange County dining scene is not to her liking (too many carbs, maybe?), you’re wrong about that, too.
Heather has dared the viewers to give her better suggestions, and then she’ll eat anything you ask: “With YOUR help, I intend to seek out and review local restaurants in an attempt to find the little gems that we have here that I have not been introduced to. SHOW ME. Then, I will eat CROW… or pig’s feet, tripe, sweetbreads or whatever it is the restaurant specializes in.”
Heather insists Sarah Winchester wasn’t even supposed to be there. In her blog, she writes, “First of all: for the record I did not invite Sarah to the party.”
That’s probably true. The producers invited Sarah, who probably thought she would bring more to the table. I get the impression the producers are trying to make this show younger since the whole “cougar” trend is kinda done. Anyway, Sarah did go, got totally trashed and followed Vicki Gunvalson around. Vicki needs to take a lesson from Camille Grammar and go hide in the bathroom in these moments.
In Heather’s words:
Sarah puts a nuclear hit on the evening! She is yelling at Vicki for NO reason and then is hugely delusional about how she approached her. I tried to diffuse the situation . She wouldn’t listen to me or her boyfriend or Gretchen. This girl is nuts. I may need to screen Gretchen’s friends for her! She is too nice to be friends with such a “wackadoodle” as G would say!
I thought Vicki handled it very well. Sarah couldn’t let it go. She was on a hamster wheel going round and round and round.
Heather thinks Sarah has issues, ending her discussion about her with this: “I hope this opens Sarah’s eyes to the fact that she obviously has a problem. She needs to seek professional help.” Embarrassing yourself on television isn’t yet recognized by the DSM, but maybe Sarah can start.
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The Real Housewives of Orange Countywere on Dr. Oz recently, to talk about the one topic they are definitely experts on: plastic surgery! On last week’s episode, Tamra Barney removed her implants once and for all, and as we all know, Alexis Bellino is the first woman in the world to ever get a nose job. She must be commended for bravery!
Vicki Gunvalson, who just had a ton of work done in between the past two seasons, admitted to having “…a myriad of fillers, Botox, liposuction, and laser treatments” to In Touch Magazine. And that’s just what she’s fessing up to! On Dr. Oz, Tamra said “I’m sure we’re not owning everything we’ve had.” Along with 98% of women in Orange County, she had a nose job in her early twenties. Of her implant removal, she said, “I wanted the foreign object out of my body.” Funny, she said the same thing at her divorce proceedings from Simon!
Tamra also revealed that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer, and that was a huge factor in her decision to get rid of the implants. Good for you, Tammy Sue! Tamra’s story arc has been so great: ridding herself of Simon, and then getting rid of the implants the men in her life love so much; standing up for herself and putting her own needs before men.