Recaps

Tom and Katie - final days

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?

Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.

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chelsea-aubree

Tonight’s episode of Teen Mom 2 is setting us up nicely for the season finale next week. Chelsea Houska and Cole DeBoer are getting hitched, Leah Messer is going back to school, Jenelle Evans is still battling mom Barb in court for custody of Jace and Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin are still in the miserable stage of getting divorced, with no end in sight. So let’s get this recap on the road!

Chelsea is going to get her marriage license in Nebraska and is pretty excited to be a wife. As she shares that with her mom and Aubree over lunch, her mom ruins it by telling Aubree that Cole will officially be her dad now. A confused Aubree asks how he can be her dad when she already has a deadbeat one (OK I added the deadbeat part) and Chelsea insists her mother stop. Instead, her mom takes it up a notch and asks Aubree if she calls Cole dad. Aubree gets annoyed and who could blame her. These are questions she should be handling on her own and it’s not up to anyone else to pressure Aubree into defining her relationships with the adults in her life.

Porsha - Restoration

After watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, I have decided two things. Firstly, Porsha Williams owes Kandi Burruss an apology. She admitted she made up the drug and rape rumors, and that was gross, so now she needs to pull her big girl panties out of her butt and say these two simple words, sincerely, “I’m sorry” and she should not expect Kandi to forgive her.

The problem is Porsha told a lie. She told a really damning and smearing lie. While lying is no new thing to this show (and it is amusing that Kenya Moore, who has told more falsehoods than Pinocchio, is the most enraged about Porsha’s lie), Porsha has told a lie that could potentially have legal ramifications or ruin Kandi’s reputation. The worst though is that Porsha doesn’t seem bothered by that, and doesn’t seem to get how bad this is. Nor does she seem bothered that Kandi is so upset. Which is especially disconcerting considering that Porsha and Kandi were once close friends.

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The Stakes Have Been Raised

Not everybody is a fan of returning player seasons, and I get the reasoning. There are so many people out there just clamoring for an opportunity to play Survivor, why not give new faces a chance? And while that’s a fair argument, there’s a special joy in getting to watch your favorite players play the game again, or to watch legends go head-to-head. These sort of showdowns have produced some of the absolute best moments in the game’s history, and unarguably some of the very best seasons (Fans vs. Favorites and Heroes vs. Villains come to mind). As Survivor kicked off its 34th Season Wednesday night – “Survivor: Game Changers,” featuring 20 returning contestants – we were given another such epic showdown, between the self-proclaimed King and Queen of Survivor, which resulted in a somewhat shocking and satisfying start to what looks to be a promising season.

There’s a lot to get to, so get caught up first by reading my previous article, “Survivor: Game Changers – Everything You Need to Know” and then be warned that if you read any further than this very paragraph, that the events of the Premiere Episode will get spoiled for you. You’ve been warned! Now like a bug caught in Sandra’s hair, let’s let loose this Recap!

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, “we” had a baby (we’re included in this “we” because at this point we’re all basically Kim and Kyle Richards‘ celestial family in twisted sister drama). “We” also planned a trip to Hong Kong to rescue dogs, and we also got our laps squished by an Instagram personality and his giant bottle of rosé.

Where I will let Kyle stand alone is in that awful dress she wore to the Kyle By AleneTwo book signing event. At least Eden Sassoon got the message and wore a kaftan. And Lisa Rinna, well she and her diarrhea stayed home. Erika Girardi also went home – on a private jet with a glam squad. I don’t know why Erika doesn’t cry more often because she has such a pretty cry face!

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Little Women: LA Recap: Tough Crowd

Last night on Little Women: LA, Terra Jole makes it to the semi-finals of Dancing With The Stars, but her friends seem less than supportive. Christy McGinity Gibel faces complications during neck surgery that we now know sadly brought on a mini-stroke, leaving her to face even more health challenges. Meanwhile, Elena Gant continues to rage against Terra being a “bad friend,” so she tries to force a laugh with Briana Renee and Tonya Banks at a comedy show. As for Jasmine Sorge, she’s just ready to have this dang baby already! And she’s letting her hubby, Chris, know it.

But first, we are forced to follow Briana and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] – who, in case he isn’t gross enough, now has GOUT – to the gym. Outfitted in her “Fit & Fierce” tank top, Briana does her best to focus on all things Briana – like her music career, which is currently stalled because this chick cannot sing. She just needs a better voice coach, yo! What does Matt want, you wonder? Well, since his whole body is his “instrument” <dry heave> he wants to use said instrument to become an MMA fighter. At 40. With GOUT. “I’m sorry that your life isn’t enough for you,” snarks Briana. (Shouldn’t she just be glad he’s not sexting his other instrument clear across the nation anymore? Hmm?)

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Tom & Ariana do the Annual SUR photoshoot

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules tormented lovebirds Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz fixed everything and now their relationship is perfect. All it took was a little tough love from Lisa Vanderpump.

In the land of SUR and SURvival, all amounts to one’s role in the annual photoshoot where themes range from nearly naked, naked, to naked with accompanying awkward sexual encounters. This year Lisa is trying to take that up a notch by adding a last supper of hedonism complete with a fake roasted pigs and grapes on Ariana Madix‘s butt. BUT more on that later – Lisa’s first order of business is to ask Katie why on earth she and Tom 2 went on a vacation and spent the entire time in an extended “flare up”?

Seriously why does Katie call their arguments flare-ups? It makes it sound like a herpes outbreak.

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jenelle-barb

If last week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 left you with a bad taste in your mouth when it comes to ongoing divorce and custody battles, tonight’s episode won’t do much better. Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin’s issues are only escalating and now Kail is dragging Jo into the mix. Jenelle Evans can’t let go of her recent mediation with mom Barb for custody of Jace and takes it out on her every chance she gets. But it’s not all drama tonight – Leah Messer considers beauty school while Chelsea Houska gets a stunt baby to prepare Cole DeBoer for what’s to come.

Since the last few episodes have been revolving around Kail and her drama, let’s just start there. For all you Kail fans out there (all three of you), you won’t like what I have to say but hey, I’m just working with the material I’m given here. Kail spins a harrowing tale of the night before, where Javi showed up, poof, out of the blue, enraged and “like a psycho”. He broke in to (his own house) by coming in the basement door, pulled out drawers and overall, wrecked havoc on poor Kail who was probably doing something incredibly humble and pure, like knitting a blanket for the poor or reading her bible. A terrified Kail had to call both the police and Jo for help.