First up is Lydia – she is married to an famous architect, Andrew. They visit their “snow house” (aka second home in the mountains) every weekend via private jet. She has 3 children and 3 stepchildren and they all get along really well. She is studying interior design – so far so normal! Oh, wait. She tells us she wears the pants at home and Andrew wears the pants at work but when Andrew’s home she prefers to be in his pants. No – ugh. It looks like Lydia will be the housewife that can’t stop talking about banging her husband (a la early days of Alex and Simon – GROSS). Lydia also loves to spend money. Just last weekend when she was on ski trip with Andrew she had to have to TRUCK deliver her mounds and mounds of shopping bags. I have a feeling Lydia is all about money all the time and creepy sex-talk. Eew.
Whenever the Real Housewives of Orange County travel it’s an elephantine-sized disaster. And this time they came into contact with actual elephants. I’m pretty sure subjecting an elephant to Vicki Gunvalson‘s screaming constitutes animal abuse. Last night they all traveled to Bali for some spiritual awakening, reincarnated relationships, and bonding – at least that was on the trip prospectus.
Bali is being terrorized by California ladies with 25 pieces of designer baggage and enough anxiety drugs (they’re holistic!!) to tranquilize an elephant. The real purpose of this trip is for us to get different scenery while they haggle and rehash over the same dang arguments. Vicki has a conniption fit because she thinks all the calming auras in Indonesia will interfere with the WiFi signal so she won’t be able to WORK! WORK! WORK! More time to FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (or in Vicki’s case get motion sickness and puke in Tamra Judge‘s lap in the back of a van).
After 30 hours on a plane everyone, including that silent one Danielle Gregorio, arrives. She is now called “Dumb” as in 1/2 of the Vicki-dubbed Dumb & Dumber. She was wearing a molting Muppet costume on the plane. I seriously wonder what happened with this one. Why is she the RHOC ghost? I feel like a Sc0oby Doo montage starring Shannon Beador‘s mystery door needs to breakout!
VH1 has totally messed with my mind. A new episode of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta happened last Thursday? I am a creature of habit…Remember that, Mona Scott Young. At least the network aired it again last night so I was able to catch up with all of the crazy drama. Karlie Redd is confronting Yung Joc and his Jill of all Trades at the fashion event she’s attending with Erica Dixon. Joc doesn’t even pretend to hide the fact he’s stepping out on her (unless you count the fact that he originally told her he was going out of town), and Karlie is cussing him up one side and down the other regarding his taste in Telly-Tubbies. Can’t she come up with something more original?
Waka Flocka Flame’s mother Deb is meeting with Mimi Faust, and she’s hoping the two can be each other’s support through their current hard times. Deb has recently lost her son, and Mimi’s father has just passed away. They share their respective stories of missed communications with their loved ones. Mimi reveals to Deb that Stevie J. has been so hateful to her, and she admits that her issues with Stevie are spilling over into all aspects of her life. Mimi sobs as she realizes that her childhood turmoil mixed with Stevie’s attitude is affecting her more than she ever knew. She didn’t meet her father until she was sixteen, and even though she hates Stevie, she wants Eva to have a good relationship with her father.
Last night things got really, really, really Jerry Springer on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like more so than table flips and husbands brawling and terrorizing fashion shows thrown by stripmall ’boutiques’.
Nicole Napolitano is teaming up with boyfriend Bobby to throw a First Responder themed costume party under the guise of raising awareness for the cause. They aren’t soliciting donations because, let’s face it – everyone on this show is broke! I mean Joe Gorga even tells us his wife Melissa Gorga is living in a delusional fantasy world that they have money. Here she is crashing Bentleys like they can afford the car in the first place, let alone the repairs! Personally I think Melis crashed that Bentley when she was pulling a getaway with some clothes from last week’s shopping trip with twins. But Joe tells us this happens all the time - what exactly is she fleeing from? The truth? It must be the paparazzi – she’s on display, guys!
Melissa is frustrated because Amber Marchese‘s gossiping about Nicole put her in an awkward situation and naturally she had to tell Nicole. Melissa doesn’t understand when Amber got so uppity – they used to be best party buds but now Amber is acting high and mighty! Melissa blames Amber’s husband.
On last night’s Game of Crowns, we take a week off from pageants to revisit some old drama: matching jumpsuits, death threats, and Lynne. And introduce some new drama: vow renewals, peace pipes, and Lynne.
We pick up backstage at the Mrs. New England States pageant where a freshly crowned Vanassa Sebastian marches off to drag her husband Brian into the fray with Susanna Paliotta’s stylist, Anthony. Reminder: Anthony sold Vanassa and Susanna the awful matching jumpsuits that caused a ruckus oh, I don’t know, a million years ago. The pageant director reminds Vanassa that she has a crown on her head, so she should STFU, but that ain’t gonna happen. Susanna’s eldest daughter Victoria gets involved and Susanna is a proud mommy. Meanwhile in another corner, Nick confronts Lynne Diamante about her accusation that he threatened to kill her. Lynne promptly ignores him and slithers away. Everyone parts ways after giving up/being asked to leave by official parties.
On this episode of LeAnn & Eddie, we see the LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian take a trip to Nashville. We meet LeAnn’s father and get to see her perform at The Grand Ole Opry. I actually found this episode to be very, dare I say it, enjoyable. And I swear it wasn’t just because Eddie gets thrown off a horse. Let’s get started!
The show kicks off with LeAnn packing for her two day trip to Nashville. She has a huge suitcase full of items, including a bikini. Eddie comments on how he has packed everything he needs in one small bag. LeAnn responds by saying that she is a girl and she can’t just wear the same thing everyday. Eddie says that Albert Einstein wore the same thing everyday and he was a genius. LeAnn says if she were to wear sweats and a ponytail everyday, Eddie would divorce her, to which he quickly replies, “But do you know how much brain power you would have?”
On an all new episode of Don’t Be Tardy, it’s that time of year again – Spring Break! For the Biermanns that means packing up the Louis Vuitton luggage and hopping in an RV and heading for Florida. I never thought I’d write Louis Vuitton and RV in the same sentence, there’s a first time for everything.
Finally, Kim Zolciak is not pregnant this year for the trip and she’s looking forward to refreshing her Botox and going commando because they’ve rented a home with a private beach in Destin FL.
As they are packing clothes for the twins, Kim can’t wait to get them sunburn (Vitamin D is incredibly healthy, speaks the woman with the tanning bed in her basement) and she happens to notice that the twins need Louis Vuitton luggage to match everyone else.
As they are rattling off the list of people accompanying the Biermann family on this vacation, Kroy states that the mode of transportation will be RV. What does RV stand for, you say? Don’t ask Kim, she has no idea.
Kim then decides to do a domestic luggage inventory in her closet and realizes that yes, spending thousands of dollars on luggage for 3-month old twins makes total sense. Complete and total sense – it’s tradition dammit.
I finally figured what Sonja Morgan and Aviva Drescher like about each other – they’re both totally and utterly delusional! And they reinforce each other’s delusions. Seriously – was there a psychiatrist waiting in the wings of the Real Housewives of New York reunion?
Kristen Taekman got new boobs. As an anniversary present. Is this like a thing now – getting new boobs for the reunion? Ladies – the suddenly ballooning mummeries does not distract us from the drama.
Of course, almost immediately Kristen and Aviva are at each other’s throats over all of their arguments this season; specifically the time Aviva told Kristen to “Shut the f–k up” in front of their kids. Aviva does not apologize. At all. In fact she denounces Kristen as a “rookie” (I see someone has been rehearsing their insults in the mirror again!) and dismisses the whole things perfectly fine and normal. I mean kids hear the f-word. No biggie. I mean it’s just a word.