It took a full 24 hours for me to process the cornucopia of dysfunction that this week’s Love After Lockup dished up. Truthfully, I’m still not fully recovered. Much like our beloved 90 Day Fiance, we find that our star-crossed lovers get infinitely messier with each passing week. The joy of prison release day only lasts for so long…like, a literal day. Then it’s everybody into the crazy pool, sink or swim!
While Johnna and Garrett continue their bickering over him wanting his “freedom,” Andrea shows Lamar just how scared he should actually be of her when she goes full scale psycho at his homecoming party. James tries to get Alla employed, but she’s too “sick” to show up (ironic quotes intentional), and Mary is in for a rude awakening when picking up Dominic. It turns out he’s happier to see her parents’ old faces than her new one! Lastly, we’re treated to a new couple: 46-year old chain-smokin’, therapy-givin’ Angela and her 32-year old prison fiance, Tony, who she met while trolling the inmate websites. As one does. Only one hitch: She sent Tony a pic that was photoshopped within one millimeter of becoming a Farrah Abraham selfie. Thus, Tony’s in for a big surprise on release day. Pop your popcorn. Let’s get to it!
Ugh – it’s official, Dorit Kemsley is the one with multiple personalities, not Erika. It’s like Dorit’s evil doppelgänger does all these bad behaviors on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, then Dorit swoops in with a new hair style and a new accent to pretend she has “absolutely no idea” what anyone is talking about because she, a woman of impeccable etiquette, would never EVER call someone a C-word during dinner, or throw a fit over the wrong wine glass at a party, or be one hour late to a drinks meeting then lie about it.
No, she will throw Casino Royale parties where arrives via helicopter in designer gowns, waving to her people and smiling graciously. Dorit’s idealized self is not communicating with her actual self and we’re having problems here. Big time!
It’s almost like Vanderpump Rules is a sociological experiment on modern love, right? Every other day there are new cheaters to eclipse the previous cheaters with crazier cheating scandals and bigger liars, all compounded by the ever-shifting relationships around accommodating these facts. Can’t anyone get in the right pants? Or keep their members in the right pants, rather?
Take for instance the evolution of Jax Taylor and James Kennedy. They’ve both ‘interacted’ with the same women (Kristen Doute and Lala Kent), which created a palpable neanderthal assholian hatred towards each other – like crabs in a bucket – as they battled over being too similar, but now they’re bonding over how much they cannot stand Kristen. Which is hilarious considering neither one of them ever seemed to like Kristen to begin with! And now, of course, Kristen is trying to destroy Jax’s relationship with Brittany Cartwright. Not because Kristen likes Jax (or has any lingering feelings for him), but because she loves Brittany (and once hooked up with her) too much to let her be ruined by Jax.
Surely these Sister Wives paychecks cannot be enough to justify Meri Brown to stick around and mooch money out of her family to purchase a second home for her mother. She just needs to put her house on the market, file for divorce (oh, wait, done!), and move with her mom to BFE Utah to buy her family’s former homestead. Clearly, her bed and breakfast plans were extremely short lived. And what about Christine’s mom? Unlike Meri’s mom, Christine’s mother was willing to run the house in question as a bed and breakfast. Meri is over the moon that her mom wants to move into the home, and, even better, Meri doesn’t have to learn how to run a business of which she has zero knowledge. It’s a win/win…for Meri. This is a wet bar scenario on a much larger scale!
Once again, Meri summons Kody and the wives to her corner of the cul-de-sac, and once again, Robyn, Janelle, and Christine are unsure as to what to expect. Meri announces that her mother wants to move into the house, and Christine is thrilled. Her mom and Meri’s mom could run the bed and breakfast together. Meri then shares that her mom wants to move in and not run the business. Wait, what? Janelle is confused. Meri expects the family to chip in on the house and not make any profit off of it? Yeah, that makes Meri a tad nervous. It’s an expensive undertaking not to make any money. You think?
Attacking Cynthia is like smacking a bunny. Leave the girl alone to date and learn some tough-love lessons about getting played. Instead of bopping her on the head, her friends should pet her ever-changing wigs and tell her it will be OK. Clearly Cynthia habitually picks the WRONG men, and trying to teach her how to spot a scrub is not working. Even when she has a bonafide expert like Kandi Burruss at her disposal!
I said it before and I’ll say it again: The inmates are not the crazy ones on Love After Lockup. Their fiancés are. Although Andrea runs away with the crazy-bananas crown this week, I have a strong suspicion that this dubious honor will rotate equally among the cast mates all season long, which of course makes this show the absolute gold mine it is.
This week, Garrett bought a car with some mystery fund his grandma gave him, blowing Johnna’s chances at the One-Carat-Solitaire-Stone! she’s dreaming of. Johnna had no bitmojis available to address the situation, so she just scrunched up her face and pouted. Trucker Scott attempted to pick up his con woman fiancé Lizzie upon her release date but – oh snap! She was nowhere to be found. #WheresLizzie? More importantly: #WheresScottsMoney? Alla introduced James to her family, and James introduced Alla to his judgy-eyed friend, Chris. We were also briefed on our next couple, Canadian Mary and her incarcerated fiancé Dominic, who only grabbed 7 minutes of camera time – but somehow managed to fill those 7 minutes with some glorious arguments, drug-encrusted jackets, and a denied conjugal visit. But first, we must talk about Andrea and Lamar because, well, we just have to deal with this troubling carwash situation. My god.
I’m having a total about face when it comes to Dorit Kemsley. Actually, given Dorit’s confusing hair and wardrobe this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, I’d say she’s having a total about face about her own self! Something seems very off with her, and she’s driving everything to hell in a designer handbag!
Dorit lives in a fake prosperous world where she is your fun, eccentric friend doing zany but delightful things. The kind of friend who cosplays Erika Girardi (not Jayne!) and has NO idea how insanely insane she comes across. I think that instead I’ll just focus on Ken gently placing a newborn dog inside his shirt, kangaroo pouch-style, and softly holding it there until the puppy dozed off. It belongs on an Anne Geddes calendar, or in one of Lisa Rinna‘s bubbles of white light, because it was perfection.