If I were a method blogger, I’d have been smokin’ indo and sippin’ on gin and juice to prepare for this recap. Sadly, I have to settle for a glass of Three Buck Chuck, and the only thing smoking is leftover casserole that I burned for dinner. #Snoopfail
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Atlanta begins with Mimi Faust confronting Nikko about an article on Media Take Out that claims he’s married. She knows it can’t be true (it is, after all, Media Take Out), but she wants to be sure. Nikko doesn’t miss a beat when telling her that his marriage was a secret he planned to take to his grave. Um, what? He just wants to be honest. Mimi is too exhausted to cuss him every which way to Sunday. Nikko admits that he never planned to tell her, but he blames her for never asking him outright if he had a wife. Yeah, that’s totally Mimi’s oversight. As she storms out, he asks her to dinner. The man has some balllzzz.
Stevie J., Kirk Frost, and Tony are helping Benzino celebrate his last few moments as a single man. Going against the norm, the gentlemen decide to hit up a strip club for his bachelor party. As pole dancers make-out in Zino’s face for his amusement, he explains that he doesn’t need a pre-nup because he and The-The (I HATE that nickname) will be together forever. Benzino then announces that Stevie will be his best man. The following day, a very hungover Stevie is being yelled into consciousness by the Puerto Rican alarm clock. Joseline Hernandez can’t imagine why her husband would want to be in a wedding where he’s smashed the bride. When he tells her that he is heading to L.A. to record with Snoop Dogg, Joseline smells trouble.
On last night’s episode of Game of Crowns, Lynne Diamante celebrates her 15th wedding by creeping everyone out with live gargoyles, Vanassa Sebastian drags some of the ladies along to her breast cancer awareness charity walk, and Leha Guilmette decides to finally bite back at the blue-haired beast that is Lynne Diamante.
We’re back at Shelley Carbone’shouse in Newport, RI, where she has just told Lynne she won’t be attending her 15th wedding vow renewal. Lynne is having a toddler meltdown while Vanassa is upstairs applying extra shellac to her face. Shelley is annoyed that Lynne is guilt-tripping her about not attending Lynne’s blessed event (which happens every year) as Lynne starts to whine and cry about her 15th wedding being a “new beginning” for her. She breaks down in some pageant tears which Vanassa describes as Oscar-worthy. Razzie-worthy, more like. Vanassa jumps on the pity party bandwagon and directs her guilt-tripping toward Lori-Ann, who promptly tells Vanassa to screw off, then walks away. I like her style.
We’re three episodes in on The Real Housewives of Melbourne and it’s Botox Time! Janet Roach and Jackie Gillies visit Andrea Moss’s skin spa for a touch-up on Botox. However, while Andrea is far too young for it, Janet’s bringing her along to see what the whole procedure is actually like. Andrea’s husband, the plastic surgeon, injects her and Jackie can’t believe how painful it looks. For Janet, this is as usual as getting her eyebrows waxed. Jackie is chirping in the background about how great her body is and with her European skin that she doesn’t feel like she’ll ever need it. They rehash Jackie’s convo with Gina and Jackie decides to be the bigger person and invite Gina Liano to her housewarming party.
Lydia Schiavello and Andrea shop for a housewarming gift for Jackie’s party. Lydia invites Andrea to her ski home for a chance to get away and Andrea admits she’s never been away from her family for a night. Really? With the 5 rotating nannies and all? Never? I’m having a hard time believing this. Lydia mentions that she’s inviting Jackie too and all the blood drained out of Andrea’s face. Andrea immediately asks how long this trip will be and mumbles under her breath and eye rolls that she’ll have to get nannies and what not. It appears that Andrea is not too keen on Jackie joining the gang for the weekend getaway.
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey we open with the drama at the First Responsers Ball, where the pillars of RHONJ society congregated in their Partay Citay deluxe luxury couture vinyl posche-y firehoochie ensembles (basically this is like the MET Gala of Franklin Lakes, NJ, here people).
Of course not everyone was in the party mood, despite the finest quality vinyl they were wearing. Amber Marchese had her hair yanked out and her husband had his authority questioned. Jim Marchese whispers in Poison’s ear (not in the way that gets the poison flowing), that he is a “dumb f***” then walked out the door. And Poison, our jr muscle man hopped out of his chair, swimming in his fireman couture, and followed Jim to demand an apology.
Jim does not fight – he’s an attorney and an upstanding citizen who will just have you arrested. Then sued. Oh yes – Jim is a grown man who does not brawl in someone’s basement wearing a low-rent version of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s Halloween party garb. Nor does Jim exchange blows on the snow covered sidewalk of a New Jersey McMansion.
Things begin with Khloe and Kourtney playing grab ass while mocking Kim Kardashian for her Vogue Cover. Really we should be mocking Anna Wintour for her poor lapse of judgment. Maybe she was high too? Kim has a case of sour grapes because her sisters didn’t drop their lives, worship her, kiss her feet, hands and ass and come to the newsstand at 5am to purchase one of the first copies of Kim’s bible cover. Khloe taunts Kim and tells her she already has her copy and reads it while she is on the john. #ToiletMaterial
Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to tweet a picture of some pancakes you just made your husband, but you accidentally capture your bare booty in the photo, without noticing? Anyone? Yeah, me neither, but that is the storyline of this week’s episode of LeAnn & Eddie.
The episode kicks off with Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes grocery shopping for an upcoming party that they are hosting. LeAnn purchases about three cows, and six pigs worth of meat for twenty guests. Eddie complains about how he has married an unstoppable spending machine.
In this week’s new episode of Don’t Be Tardy, the Biermanns are hitting the white sandy beaches of Destin as they finally have a clear sunny day (Day 4) while on Spring Break.
They’re certainly enjoying the fun in the sand as Kim Zolciak notes their home afforded them a private beach. Hmmm…I can see people, lots and lots of people directly next to them and more homes and hotels where it looks like public access to “their” beach (Am I missing something?). Brielle wants to go for a joy ride on the jet ski and Kim says “No” because she doesn’t want to worry about anything happening to Brielle. There still is a bit of tension lurking between Kim and Kroy Biermann from their argument last night about how in-tune Kim is to Brielle’s teenage growing pains (drinking, drugs, etc.) Kim and Kroy are taking the twins for a stroll on the beach to smooth things over and remind each other how much they love each other and how crazy raising 5 more kids will be (ya think??!!!).
Clearly the powers that be at Andy Cohen Headquarters decided to put all the super crazies together to form some sort of cosmic force of intense delusion. The loose grasp of reality that was tenuously tying Ramona, Sonja, Aviva (Ramonjava?) to the world evaporated right there on stage. Of course “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” that they’re insane. “ALLEGATIONS!”
We open with Sonja Morgan discussing why she needs 9,000 interns. I want to know how many have lodged complaints with OSHA but Andy never asks the hard questions. She claims colleges give credits to these kids spending a semester learning Mac Calendar – scheduling Mrs. Morgan’s busy life of partying on her yacht with P. Diddy is “the hardest thing.” It takes a lot of creativity to completely fabricate Mrs. Morgan’s importance!