Last week on Shahs of Sunset, Mike Shouheddecided that he and his friends need a drama-free (but still drunken) weekend in Cabo San Lucas. Sounds lovely.. and bound to go horribly wrong.
First, Asa Soltan Rahmati and Reza Farahan promote themselves to king and queen of the group and act all That '70s Show funky crazy in the car. Asa better put her hands on the wheel of her Mercedes-Benz or she's going to have to demolish her house to afford a new car. #brokepeopleproblems Speaking of Asa's broke ass, she decides that this is the year of the Persian Pop Priestess, vowing to finally make money with her music. Please forgive me if I don't hold my breath.
Mercedes "MJ" Javid organizes a lunch date between Asa and Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi. Before Asa arrives, GG and MJ order drinks and appetizers. GG orders cheese fries, hummus with pita chips, the triple carne asada tacos, and a cocktail. Goodness gracious! Where does she put it all?
Once they're cocktailed up, GG asks MJ why she excluded her – instead of Asa – from her birthday party. MJ is surprised that GG even has to ask, saying, "You were the one who got physically violent with Asa. What about the fact that she doesn't feel physically safe?" GG tells MJ that she respects her decision, promises to get therapy, and hopes the upcoming trip to Cabo allows her the opportunity to mend broken relationships. Foreshadowing….
Is it just me, or could VH1 afford to redo the opening credits for Mob Wives? Sure, I love to see Drita D'Avanzo, Renee Graziano, Karen Gravano, and Carla Facciolo walking the mean streets of Staten Island, but doesn'tRamona Rizzofeel a bit left out? What about Big Ang and the new girl Love Majewski? Loosen those purse strings, VH1! The ladies are back with an explosive premiere, and the personalities are all over the place! Drita staying out of drama? Carla growing a pair? Thank goodness we have Ang to be a calm in the ever brewing storm!
The season 3 premiere begins with besties Carla and Drita watching their tiny dogs on the boardwalk. Carla reveals that Ang's son is getting more time than just rehab for his drug dealing, and she's also heard that Renee has yet another problem with her. Drita says that she is finally on Renee's good side (and she wants to keep it that way!), but Carla doesn't care whether she is able to resolve her issues with Renee. She goes off on Renee's pill-popping problem, and it makes Drita very uncomfortable. Drita asks Carla if she can play peacemaker. Carla doesn't care one way or the other. This is going to get ugly!
Renee is changing the locks because she's had a recent break-in and her surveillance camera was camera. Clearly, it was someone trying to intimidate her. They even ripped up her Bible. Renee believes that it was some of Junior's former cohorts who are mad he turned state's evidence. She tells son AJ that she wants to get a gun. He rolls his eyes. Renee wants to talk smack about Junior to their son, and he admits that he knows what his dad did was wrong. However, he hates that his mother wants to speak ill of his dad to him. AJ yells that Renee needs to respect him. I feel for him. He's in a tough spot between both crazy parents.
Alana Thompson and her redneckognizing family are back with a slew of holiday specials. First up? It's Halloween! If the group's time at Shhh! It's A Wig is any indication, we are in for a wild, wild ride. I have not been quiet in my love for all things Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but last night was overkill. Don't get me wrong, I still love this family, but TLC needs to differentiate between thirty minutes of hilarious redneck reveling and an hour of dragging out poor Sugar Bear in a wheelchair. Although, how awesome was he with baby Kaitlyn?
Oh Lord, I don't even know what to say. Two minutes into the special we are treated to June napping haphazardly across her bed and Pumpkin emerging from the crawl space beneath the house (just how close does that train come to their home??) with some nastiness she's found. Pumpkin ties said nastiness to a 2×4 and dangles it over her mother's face. I can only imagine what the remaining fifty-eight minutes have in store. As for Chubbs, Chickadee, and Smoochie, they love Halloween for the sweets. As Alana so eloquently sings/raps, "Halloween is all about the treats…treatin' myself to candy!" She's practically autotuned!
Poor Sugar Bear is in a wheelchair due to a recent surgery, and Pumpkin wants to dress up Chickadee's baby as a cheese ball for Halloween. The baby is precious! June shares that Halloween is a special time for her family, given that the girls love to dress up (well, duh, they are a pageant fam!), and they love to eat candy. I'd say that's a fair assessment. The family is decorating the yard for Halloween, and I have never seen such an assortment of pumpkin inflatables. There's that darn train again…I'd make spotting the train a drinking game, but I fear that I wouldn't be able to make it through this recap! June and Sugar Bear gather up the girls to head to the pumpkin patch. I'm so happy to see they already have their Christmas lights up on their house. That should make preparation for the yuletide holiday special that much easier.
Last night was the final episode of Real Housewives of Miami. It went the way all reunions go with cocktail dress clad and overly spray-tanned women screaming at each other over an utterly useless Andy Cohen. We were spared an Elaine Lancaster appearance. We were rewarded with a Mama Elsa appearance. And we all got tired of Ana Quincoces making herself sound silly by taking repeated jabs atLea Black's age.
C'mon now – if you're gonna rip someone apart you have to be clever about it. (See: Leakes, NeNe, "Wigs" "Trashbox" "Close Your Legs To Married Men!") That's just elementary, like Housewives 101.
Things begin with a drama in review. And that unfortunate drama is Joe Francis and Joanna Krupa's reported unsavory past. Joanna clears up that she was never in Girls Gone Wild but instead hosted an infomercial with Snoop Dog. She also insists she did not "sleep" or "associate" with criminals.
Ana leaps in to accuse Lea of bringing Joe to the party as a "prop" to set Joanna up. Lea denies it, shrieking that Ana is making yet another false accusation and suggests Ana stick to cooking where hopefully she can keep her ingredients straighter than her facts. I wish Lea had said ingrediences.
Ana keeps speaking over everyone and answering for them. Annoying. Shht! The drama over the bitchslap, broom stick wielding, boob-exposing meltdown continues. Yes, let's talk about this some more. It was actually a productive conversation. Adriana de Moura apologized for smacking Joanna and she was disgusted for herself for getting physical. Apparently Adriana was depressed for days following the incident.
Last week on Top Chef Seattle, the cheftestants harvested fresh oysters and cooked for the Rat City Roller Girls. While everyone wished they could have voted Josie Malave off the Top Chef island, Bart Vandaele was eliminated for serving beyond bland food. I told those suckers that they'd regret not letting Josie sink in the mud, but they didn't listen to me.
This week's episode opens with Sheldon Simeon sharpening his knives and Stefan Richter slathering on wrinkle cream. Funny. Padma Lakshmi introduces this week's special guest, master blade smith Bob Kramer, who makes custom knives that sell for $500 an inch. That's crazy!
Bob cuts through two ropes to demonstrate just how awesome a $4,000 knife is. Sheldon begs to give him a hug; Lizzie Binder appears as if she hasn't slept in weeks; Stefan doesn't look too impressed. Perhaps Stefan would have cracked a smile or raised an eyebrow if Bob had busted out $4,000 wrinkle cream.
I'll be honest, I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared for this premiere…or the season for that matter. Of course, I can't wait…especially when we get to see a glimpse into Abby Lee Miller's love life. There seemed to be a lot scripted, but it was still flipping amazing.
The third season of Dance Moms starts with the girls and moms reunite in the parking lot after a long break during the competition season. Noticeably absent are Kelly, Paige, and Brooke. Abby is beyond pissed at Kelly for breaking up the team, but she's equally as upset with the other girls for not consistently coming to practice during their break…news she just found out having spent her break in L.A. filming her spin-off competition show. She immediately tosses the pyramid head shots in the trash because none of them belong on the top, and the girls become teary when Abby announces that she's holding an audition to replace Brooke and Paige before the group heads to a competition in Denver.
The girls are rehearsing their group number, Angels and Demons…except now it's just Angel Singular and Demons because that's what happens when people are quitters. Is it just me or when Abby describes the characters in her choreography do you think she's envisioning herself as the victim or protagonist? "This dance is about an angel who is strong, but she has all of these horrible awful bleached blonde crazies with acrylic nails demons trying to tear her apart." Give me a break! In the viewing room, Jill is hoping that she can get the other moms onboard with calling for a reinstatement of the pyramid. She hates Abby trashed it without giving her daughter any opportunity to be at the top.
It's a Dance Mom's extravaganza! Lifetime knows a good thing when it pas de bourées in the ratings, and the network is going to milk this cash cow for all it's worth. You know what that means? It means that last night you were treated to two and half hours of Abby Lee Miller and the drama mamas. It felt like Christmas all over again, didn't it?
In the hour leading up to the season three premiere, Jeff Collins returned to lead yet another reunion type show, only this time the ladies would be highlighting the upcoming drama instead of rehashing the past. Let's see how this works. Abby is wearing a lot of sequins and bling and spray tan. Taking a few questions from the studio audience, she reveals that she has a special man in her life, and the mothers are the most selfish people on the planet. Okey, dokey. Poor Jeff looks one Ambien shy of hibernation, but luckily the stage setting mirrors (literally!) Abby's outfit, so all the twinkling should keep him awake at least until the premiere begins. He is going to bring out the moms to have some one-on-one time with Abby and the audience.
Holly is the first to untangle her way through the sequined streamers, and she is wearing a tomato red number that seems to combine the finest vinyl with raw silk. Abby immediately comments about it under her breath to Jeff. Holly often gets on Abby's nerves, what with her professional demeanor and her need to analyze things. Holly takes one audience member's question, and responds with a non-answer before making a swift exit.
This week's episode starts with GG and Omid Kalantari out on a date. While GG munches on a big sausage, Omid admits that he has been partying with her friends without her. GG takes it well. GG says that her friends could combine their money, diamonds, houses, etc. and still not have enough money to buy any class, adding, "They call themselves classy… they put the ass in class."
Omid goes on to tell GG that her friends told him that he's delicious and well-behaved when he's not around GG. To the camera, GG says, "I'm shocked. For real. Take the botox away, and I'm shocked." Not that much later, GG learns more about what went down between MJ and Lilly Ghalichi / Reza at the bar, and she says the night would have gotten "so dirty" if she had been there. Yet, she's shocked to hear that her friends don't want to party with her.
Someone needs to tell GG: when life gets tough, the saying is "just keep swimming" not "just keep drinking."