Smearing a bunch of concealer on your lips is not cute – it's disturbing. Just as wearing "suntan" pantyhose is not cute. Why do you want to look lip-less? Especially when you've surgically enhanced them already?
On the bright note, Splits Richards only wore ONE caftan-y garment last night. That's like some kind of reality TV milestone, right?
Also what think you of the intros. I thought they were all cute, HOWEVER Taylor's about 'working too hard for this zip code' was not appropriate in my opinion.
So let us begin… Lisa Vanderpump levitates above these ladies like the fabulous beacon of pink glow that she is. She is the goddess of this bunch, like Glenda The Good Witch on Wizard of Oz. And now she has moved to a fabulous new home – far more chic than her old overblown digs. That closet. Her glow-y, plush bedroom. I really wish Lisa would adopt me and then I could throw away all her pink satin blouses embellished by Pandora's bedazzler and we'd be one big happy, wine-sipping family.
Last night on RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race a surprise elimination took place as we headed into the final three. Synergy really whips through 'em fast, doesn't it?
For the mini challenge the sometimes ladies had to go back to their roots – manhood. Ru challenged them to a butch guy photoshoot. If you imagined it was sort of a mess, you were right. Manila Luzon shoved a banana in her pants.Chad Michaels looked like "Burt Reynolds and Cher had a baby," according to Jujubee.
Those photos were TERRIBLE! Poor Latrice Royale lamented about how she has difficulty feeling sexy as a man – or a woman.
In the end Yarlexis was able to snag the sexy real men photo win, which isn't saying much.
For the main challenge Ru requested the girls punk the public. Dressed in drag they had to play a little game called "Queens Behaving Badly." Ru carted them all over to Hollywood Blvd where they had to harass tourists and the like into doing ridiculous pranks called upon by their partners through an ear piece. Each prank had a score. It was sort of a street-side variety show and it was kind of interesting but sort of low-brow.
The show begins with Chantal and Takari being ambushed by the therapist. Takari is in tears, and Chantal reminds her mother that while she provided everything for her girls, it was their grandmother who served as the mother figure. Jackie doesn't want to hear any of it. Chantal wants her mother to take responsibility for their past relationships, but Jackie is totally on the defensive. She thinks her daughters are being mean and throwing false accusations at her. The girls leave after Jackie refuses to shoulder any of the blame for their relationship troubles. Doug tries to placate the girls in the driveway, but they are both over trying to make things work with someone who won't acknowledge any mistakes. Back inside, Jackie apologizes to the therapist for having to listen to her disrespectful daughters spew lies. The therapist is smart enough to know that she just needs to keep her mouth shut. Could Jackie be any more delusional?
Brooke is waiting on Gloria Govan to meet her for lunch when she reads that Matt Barnes is in trouble with the law for his multiple traffic violations. She calls Gloria who won't be able to make it to lunch…which I guess is a good thing given that there's a half-eaten pizza in front of Brooke. She clearly wasn't waiting.
Last week on Big Rich Texas, Kalyn Braun got herself fired from the ranch (where she scooped poop) for flirting with the boys and showing too much boob. News traveled quickly around Woodhaven, of course, and Whitney Whatley just couldn't resist the opportunity to call Kalyn a slut at the Texas Diva Reboozing party. Insults were slurred… glass was broken… Kalyn's almost mommy came to her rescue.
Dragging Kalyn to the car,Leslie Birkland demands, "How could you not tell me you got fired?" Kalyn is all like, whatever… all I did was flirt with boys. Tyler quips, "Hopefully just flirting." Kalyn declares, she's had a rough night and wants to stop talking about it. Leslie says, "We'll talk about it when I want to talk about it… and I want to talk about it tomorrow." Hilarious. Way to be all stern and stuff. Leslie informs Kalyn that she's now working with her at Life's A Pageant. I'm not sure if that's a step up or a step down from the ranch.
Bright and early the next day, we learn that Bonnie Blossman hopes her Fiona Frost book series makes her the next J.K. Rowling. The second book of the series is ready, which calls for a party. Bonnie explains, "The main suspects of the book are a teen vampire cult, so I'm having a vampire-themed launch party." Naturally, Bonnie and Whitney shop for costumes for the party. While shopping for vampire gear, Bonnie asks Whitney why she went after Kalyn at the Texas Diva party. The short answer is… Kalyn's a skank.
Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta – and so far, I'm liking things. We checked in with all the housewives, where we learned that the more some people change, the more they stay the same! And we unfortunately met new Housewife, Kenya Moore.
She made a helluva a first impression – I now totally associate Kenya with "coochie crack." Here's how she introduced herself: She yelled "coochie crack" at the top of her lungs about 20 times, then screamed 'SECURITY!' like she was some sort of A-Lister up there with Victoria Beckham. Right, so this one's a live-wire!
Things begin with the very, very richMs. NeNe Leakes, who is channeling Bret Michaels realness with that bandana. Surprisingly Greggalicious is also part of the equation. He's fetching her mail and begging her for some love. My how the tables have turned now that NeNe holds the keys – and the wallet! NeNe is playing coy about rekindling things with Gregg. C'mon – you know these two are meant to be and I sort of love them together.
NeNe explains that she's also been method acting and exuding her inner Kim Zolciak by practicing trailer living on the set of The New Normal. And our first kapow of the season. I have so missed my NeNeisms.
Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there were dueling psychics, dueling ladies in formal wear, and um… yeah just a lot of straight up unhappiness. If last week's episode was all the debauchery, hedonism, and human sacrifices of Ancient Rome, last night's episode was the aftermath of war.
It's the day of the annual Blacks Gala and everyone is quite positive no one's nipples will hang out, no one will be thrown into pool Dynasty style, and no one will be doing tequila shots or getting slapped in the face. Oh, no instead they'll be milling around in couture gowns and spending $14,000 bidding on an evening at the Playboy Mansion. The only thing Fembot Fakenstein's boobgerie slapfest has in common with the Black Gala is some of the attendees – and that includes Joe "Cameratime" Francis. Doesn't he have some checks to be writing to Steve Wynn? $40 Million of them to be exact.
In preparation for the gala, Lea Black is rushing around clutching a bright pink Birkin as if it's an extra appendage. A third arm that is merely a formality and is crap at the useful things like moving tables and directing quack psychics on how to turn glass into music and peace.
It's bittersweet recapping the Jersey Shore this week given the destruction of Seaside Heights at the wrath of Hurricane Sandy. I'm only hoping that for an hour we can all escape real life and enjoy the antics of these crazy adults. Or not. Vinny Guadagnino opens the show urging people to give to the Red Cross relief effort, as he should. Leave it to Vin to have me tearing up less than a minute into the show. I love that guy!
Last night's episode begins with Jenni "JWoww" Farley trying to salvage her relationship with Roger on the duck phone. She reminds him that they live together, but he turns around to remind her that she leaves to go film these shows every couple of months. He doesn't want to break-up with her, but Roger is so over the club scene. He's too old. That's progress. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino shares his newly coupled worries with Jenni. He wonders if it's normal for girls to go buck wild once they become monogamous. Paula has, much to Mike's dismay. She talks about sex and being crazy…all the things that Sitch's virgin ears can't handle. Give me a break! Mike can't get over his new girlfriend's openness. When he, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Deena Cortese head to work at the Shore Store, Rawn jokes about having sexual escapades that lasted longer than Mike's fresh and new relationship. Deena, always the trooper, doesn't get upset when Danny makes her wear a prison jumpsuit at work. While she believes the joke is too soon (I totally concur), she goes along with it because that's what meatballs do. Mike tries to give his relationship the benefit of the doubt given that the pair has only been dating one day. He's such a gentleman. He calls Paula an 8.2 and wants to spoil her into a 10. Wow. Gag. This is why I don't heart Mike. Paula surprises Mike at the Shore Store, and both Deena and Ronnie think it's more that he can handle. She's too comfortable.
Last night's Flipping Out had Jeff Lewis and crew back to normal after the gorgeous wedding of Jenni Pulos. However, tension flares between Zoila Chavez and Gage Edward. It's a cat fight of epic proportions between Miss Piggy and Barbie Bitch! This looks like a job for Dr. Donna!
Jeff's cat Monkey has an eye infection and can't keep any food down, so he has Jenni make a vet appointment. Monkey is his first pet, and he's had him for twelve years. Jeff begins teasing Zoila about making an unintentional but inappropriate hand gesture when asking the security guard through the window if he wanted some water. Everyone but Jenni jumps on board and makes fun of her about it. Zoila gets upset, and Jenni scolds everyone for bullying. Jeff tells Zoila that she can dish it but can't take it. Looks like that therapy session didn't help as much as one could have hoped!
In the car, Jeff jokes with Vanina about her recent break-up, promising her she'll find love again. If Jenni can do it, anyone can! Jenni stays quiet, but when Jeff asks her what's wrong she brings up his awful wedding jokes. He talks about how is ADD was all over the place during speech after boring speech, and he didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. He admits to being rude, but only because he was subjected to so many horribly long toasts. Jenni reminds Jeff that Jonathan hasn't known him as long as she has, so he may be more sensitive to Jeff's humor. She gets some semblance of an apology, and all is well.