The ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta did what they do best last night – put on some high, high heels and trash each other's relationships. Kenya Moore is slaying marriages left and right because her job is apparently The Divorce Whisperer. She needs to focus on her own fantasy man because the so-called oil tycoon, well I think he's pumping gas at the Sheetz after she paid his coming to America salary.
Things begin with Cynthia Bailey and Peter celebrating their three-year anniversary. Has it really been three years since Cynthia was nearly kidnapped to prevent her from walking down the aisle wearing a duct tape and hefty bag wedding gown? Time flies when you're being crazy!
Cynthia's friend Natalie and her husband Christopher show up to talk about how Cynthia and Peter are not having sex. Natalie reveals that she knows Kandi Burruss' fiance Todd. And apparently Todd is quite the hustler who was known for trying to date up – or put himself in positions to reap the benefits of his associations. "Basically Todd's an opportunist?" Cynthia asks. I wonder if Natalie has been talking to Mama Joyce?
Oh Couples Therapy – Whew! Where does a girl begin breaking down this mess? I mean, I need therapy after watching it, but real therapy not of the Dr. Jenn Berman 'lemme stroke your F-list ego' variety.
Taylor Armstrong rendered me paralyzed by laughter for a full 10 minutes while I watched her epic meltdown over "pea green towels" and the lack of acceptable lattes at the mansion. And that's where we begin. With Taylor and John Bluher exercising their right to tantrum.
Taylor goes Oklahoma on Dr. Jenn's staff until they give her permission to call the doctor herself and complain. Immediately upon getting on the phone Taylor goes from OK to Hawaiian sunset as she calmly but snootily explains that filet mignon is a necessary requirement for her life. "I can't live like this," she whines. "It's like a joke." Yes – it is exactly like a joke except we're all laughing at you, not with you.
Lest Taylor forget about all her financial problems – lady you were hawking fake Birkins to pay for legal bills.
The ladies of Mob Wives are back on Staten Island, and Drita D'avanzo calls Big Ang to share a her recent disturbing dreams about people breaking into her home and she shoots them repeatedly. She's hoping it's not a premonition, and she's scared that there is actual meaning behind them. Drita believes she can foresee the future through her dreams. She even dreamt that Lee's best friend ratted him out before he actually did. Ang tries to placate her friend to no avail. At Alicia diMichele Garafalo's house, her brother stops in for a visit. She appreciates his support now that her husband's sentencing has been postponed. He hopes that when his sister gets sentenced she'll be under house arrest. He wonders if she's considered what would happen if she actually gets sent to jail. She wants to avoid the subject at all costs.
Natalie Guercio heads to Ang's to rehash her Vegas fight with Renee Graziano. Drita pops in to be part of the conversation. Natalie apologizes to them for being thrown in the middle of the craziness. She shares how Renee "apologized" to her while basically calling her trash. No respect! Drita and Ang are appalled. Natalie doesn't believe Renee's mea culpa was sincere, and Drita warns her that Renee can't get over things. It's not Natalie, it's Renee. Drita questions whether Natalie can be civil around Renee. Natalie believes she can as long as Renee stays in line.
First, Mike wakes up the morning after the Diamond Water party, and Jessica tells him it was a disaster. Mike admits he doesn't remember much of what happened at the party, but he says his friendship with Reza is important to him.
Asa invites MJ and GG to her house for lunch. Good news, MJ wears a real shirt over her corset. Bad news, it isn't long before she's falling out of it. Worse news, MJ's as annoying as ever. Season three MJ is such a disappointment to me. MJ brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. GG brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. So MJ complains about GG copying her. How could GG have known about MJ's orchid? And isn't it always sunny in CA? Anyway, lunch is awkward, but GG and MJ come to a truce. MJ admits using Leila to get to GG was crappy. GG thinks MJ's apology is lacking but accepts it.
Last night Abby Lee Miller put her threats into action on Dance Moms. Everyone is replaceable, and she set out to prove it with the first of her open auditions. Leslie arrives at the ALDC as if she didn't have a meltdown at the previous competition about disrespect. Abby explains to Leslie that she takes things too personally and her behavior ends up embarrassing everyone. Jill interrupts their pow-wow to butter up Abby with a new pair of earrings. That's a new low! At the pyramid, Abby touts her open auditions in Orlando, and all the girls and moms look like deer in headlights…except for Maddie, of course. Abby invites Maddie and MacKenzieto travel down early to help her with the auditions. Leslie then opens her mouth to inquire as to why they are the ones who Abby chose to assist her. Abby turns to Payton to tell her that her mom often speaks out of turn, and she should be embarrassed by her behavior.
Payton is on the bottom, but she fully expected to be there thanks to her mother. Kendall follows, and Jill is beyond confused. Why did she bother with the earrings? As Kendall is on the verge of tears, Abby reminds her that she needs to cut out the crying. Nia then Paige round out the bottom tier. Kelly is complimented for not causing drama. MacKenzie is in fourth, with Brooke in the third spot. Abby explains to her that she can balance dancing and singing as long as she's performing to the best of her ability. Chloe is in second for following Kendall when she was supposed to dance before her. Once again, Maddie graces the top of the pyramid. Maddie and MacKenzie both get solos, but MacKenzie won't be dancing in the group routine. Brooke will be leading a trio with Paige and Chloe as background dancers. Abby asks the moms to tweet about her open auditions, but Holly refuses to aid in finding a replacement for her daughter. Curses! Abby is foiled again. Not shockingly, Melissa promises to tweet the news.
TheVanderpump Rules crew is still in Cabo celebrating our day of national reckoning; a day where dysfunction is recognized as a peril in great need of attention.
This day is also known as Stassi Schroeder's birthday. While in her mind this day is as important as the day of Jesus' birth, for the rest of humanity it is a day that we remain buried under our covers and asking where it all went so wrong. I blame her mother – it's always the mother's fault, right?!
Anyway things in Cabo are going bad, bad, bad because right in the middle of Stassi's birthday dinner, before anyone remember to order Stassi an appetizer or a drink, Katie Maloney and Tom 2 erupt into an argument about who's more of a moron. Can we call a draw?
Katie flees the table in what can only be described as a pair of pantyhose recycled into a dress. It was a flesh-colored poncho, it was frightful. Maybe it was flesh eating and that explains her sheer stupidity as her brain was a casualty of it's voraciousness. Also it matched her hair.
Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead.
Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape.
A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?
Well, well, well, it looks like some people are getting a bigger story line on Love & Hip Hop. Peter Gunz has decided to step aside for an episode and let other people take the lead.
Tara Wallace is all about doing her (and probably Peter when he calls) these days to get over her break-up. She's ambushed by K. Michelle and Yandy Smith. Her friends want to give her a sexed up makeover, and she's completely onboard with the transformation, especially since she has a date with the actor she met at Yandy's casting call. It's settled, dirty Heidi Klum it is! The blonde wig is working for her (kind of?), but poor girl can't twerk to save her life.
Rich Dollaz is tired of the constant ups and downs with Erica Mena. He decides to seek the advice of his mom since she's been along for the ride since he started hooking up/working with Erica. Rich's mom urges him to stay focus and keep things professional. He's preparing to go to a modeling show, and he feels guilty because he's gotten all his contacts from Erica. While Rich's mother thinks Erica is sweet and beautiful, but she isn't completely irresistible. Rich needs to keep it in his pants, but it's hard for this self-described "creep."