Last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was a total filler before the finale episode, which meant it was low on drama as Bravo lets us go into withdrawal in preparation for next week!
Things begin at Kandi Burruss' housewarming party where one furious former beauty queen is storming around, causing a tornado and unleashing the twirl of death. She's knocking over plants, tossing things at unsuspecting guests, laser eyebeams seeking her next victim as everyone cowers in fear hiding behind their wine glasses. It's only Kenya Moore, but that's like saying it's only the atomic bomb.
As Walter Jackson and "date" scurry out the back door, Kenya's mane of death is twirling faster and faster and faster while she screams "SECURITY!" until Don Juan is dispatched to guide this furious storm to the safety of the parking lot. There, her only victim may be an unsuspecting Bentley – its life cut perilously short by an enraged Miss TWIRL-S-A.
Kenya rants and raves about how Walter is stalking her and ruining all her social functions by showing up to intentionally destroy her. 'Get this Bentley out of my way Don Juan because I swear I'm about to pretend it's Walter and render it impotent. Oh wait – Walter is already impotent. Didn't you know?!'
This week on the The Rachel Zoe Project we were treated to more air kissing, extravagant runway shows, Rodger complaining about red spots. Rachel went into a state of fashion shock and dapper baby Skyler played in Paris.
Exciting news y’all, Rachel Zoe is moving her entire family and company to Paris! Oh, no wait.. my bad. That’s just how much she packs for a week in Paris. I am beginning to think that the Bravo network are fans of trips to Paris! Which Housewives Franchise will be next? Sorry ‘Don’t be Tardy’, but I don’t see it being you!
Although I think it is absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary to take that much luggage I kind of think if I had her closet I’d suffer from a serious case of indecisive-itis when packing, too! Rodger calculates that the baggage fees alone could cover another person's flight. If that’s the case, I think Rachel should listen to Rodger for the first time in her life and ditch the hundred suitcases and gift me with a free flight to Paris instead!
Last night's Duck Dynasty episodes were all about everyone's favorite Si Robertson. Whether he's taste testing pizza or pulling the limbs off of mannequins, he promises entertaining television. Likewise, Phil Robertson's deadpan delivery is fabulous, as is watching poor Willie try to reign in brother Jase and the rest of the warehouse crew. Thank you, A&E, for reviving my Wednesday nights!
To celebrate their five millionth duck call (or at least some duck call), Willie has put together a casino night at the warehouse. He actually has no clue how many duck calls his company has produced, but he wants to do something special for his employees. The top three chip holders will each receive a prize. Jase is appalled by his brother's idea of what constitutes a prize. Third place will win a bottle of Willie's Mallard Merlot, and second place is lucky enough to get an autographed copy Willie's unpublished manuscript. Jase has found better prizes in a Happy Meal. However, everyone is excited to hear who will win the grand prize…a two thousand dollar gift card. Si wins the money, and the brothers know they will be hearing about his victory for weeks. Si can't help it he's such a big winner…go ahead and brush those shoulders off, y'all!
Si uses his winning to purchase a leather massage chair which he sets up in the warehouse. The recliner sounds like a Nascar race. Si prompts a doubting Jase to try it out, and he's quickly swayed as to how wonderful it is. Willie enjoys it as well, although he doesn't want it in the warehouse…the guys will never get any of their work done!
Another Tuesday, another two hour Dance Moms with Abby Lee Miller. In my opinion, last night's performances were out of this world, but I just can't take anything seriously when it comes to Kathy and her Candy Apples. She's playing a role…she has to be, right?
As the super-sized episode begins, the moms can only imagine how Abby is going to react to seventh place over all in the group number given how livid she gets when they get second. Not shockingly, MacKenzie is on the bottom for messing around on her "injured" foot, and Abby benches her for the upcoming competition. Paige and Brooke also land on the bottom for being good but not great. Abby doesn't think Brooke actually wants to dance. Chloe is called next, and Christi is determined to bite her tongue to make sure her daughter is able to keep dancing. Yet again, Maddie's eyes glass over with tears when she lands second to Kendall's new headshot. The moms, especially Holly, think Jill gets sneakier every week, but she doesn't dwell too long because she's estatic when Nia graces the top of the pyramid. Abby compares Nia to Beyonce and praises her facial expressions. I am so happy for Nia.
This week, the group will be competing in Cincinnati, and Abby is worried that Kathy and her Candy Apples will also be in attendance. The group routine it about Rosa Parks, and Holly hopes that Nia will get to play Rosa. Abby isn't giving out the lead role just yet, and she takes the opportunity to call out Holly's outfit. Kendall gets a solo, as does Maddie, but not before Abby can remind her that she keeps coming up short in her routines. Abby grants Paige the duet with Chloe that she's been wanting. She tells Paige she's been waiting for her to dance up to Chloe's level…and now, lucky for her, Chloe is dancing down to her level. Way to ruin the moment.
Rehearsal: Kellie, the roller-skating waitress turned American Idol hopeful turned award-winning country music singer/songwriter, is cute, funny, and spunky. And a natural dancer. Kellie says that she kids around a lot but definitely wants to take Derek's balls, err, the mirror ball home with her. Though, since Derek is the Dancing with the Stars golden boy, there isn't much difference.
Cha Cha Cha: The hips, the tassels, the legs, OMG. Kellie has an amazing body and knows how to move it.
Normally I would argue that seven episodes was not enough for a season, but the level of catastrophic drama that these women were able to squeeze in seven episodes, I think I would be kind of scared to think what we would have witnessed had anymore aired. I mean how can you top; weddings, pregnancies, teen romance, paternity scandals, bachelorette parties, jail sentences, hospital visits, violent outbursts, family in and out the slammer, MIA parents and annulments to name just a few of the standout moments.. But more than anything we have seen these Gypsy Sisters; fight, smack talk, threaten, cuss, bitch and bicker like they are at war with one another.. and nothing is off limits during a Gypsy feud my friends! Did I mention the cussing?!
I don't know about you, but I wish the producers of Teen Mom 2 would ban their little starlets from any type of social media and ban them from the tabloids…at least during the season. I'd be a lot more inclined to root for Jenelle Evans if I didn't know what a train wreck she's become. Also, I'd be more invested inLeah Messer Simms Calvert's love triangle and Kailyn Lowry's attempt to make Jo jealous if I didn't already know the ending. As for Chelsea Houska, I'm glad to see that beauty school is going so well…but that's the only surprise of the season!
Kailyn is finished with school for the summer, and she's excited to spend more time with Javi and Isaac. I'll give it to Javi…he's really great with Isaac. Of course, she's yet to set up any kind of co-parenting counseling with Jo. Kailyn is ready for Javi to move in since he's spent every night at her place for months. Let's break it down…she's ready for Javi to stop freeloading and help with the rent and the cleaning. Kailyn admits she doesn't want to hold against him the fact that she foots the bill should the two argue. Again, I find it hilarious (and I know I write this every week!) that she wants a live-in boyfriend, yet Jo's girlfriend can't even be on the same premises as Isaac. Kailyn is just ready to get married. At twenty, she isn't getting any younger. MTV needs a swift kick in the pants for glorifying these girls!
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we got the answer to an important question: Who is Faye Resnick in this world? She is morally corrupt, desperate, ruthless, ill-mannered and really quite frankly a hot judgmental mess. Hey honey you got your camera time and you got to do it all while wearing a Barbie's Dream Collection seafoam Mother-of-the-bride inspired tacky-a$$ nightmare. No amount of borrowed David's Bridal will make you a lady!
I really wish I didn't have to discuss Fayded Retchnick at all on this blog because I don't want to give her any attention or satisfaction – which is exactly what people like her are looking for – but I suppose I have to. But before we are forced to contend with the horrible…
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump and Ken planning their vow renewal. Lisa is nervous and cute about a public display, but she knows it means a lot to Ken. And most endearingly after 30 years of marriage you can tell they truly do adore each other and are blissfully happy.