Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Did you love it? I kinda loved it – it had all the right elements: one supremely delusional crazy mean girl, fun-loving weirdo besties, a gal with secrets up the wazoo in her closet, a plastic surgeon’s wife (and bizarre-seeming marriage). I’m here for this. Hand me a pair of spurs – lets prod these bitches!
In Dallas, the houses are huge, but the fashions and hair are Real Housewives Of Orange County circa 2008: satin, rhinestones, single-platform peeptoe Loubs. There is also a lot of frosted eyeshadow.
First we meet Brandi Redmond, who is unofficially the ‘star.’ Brandi, a redhead, is married to her JUNIOR HIGH sweetheart Brad (also a redhead), and they have two redheaded daughters who sit on the counter, one of whom wants to join the circus. Which makes her like the future LeeAnne Locken, former carny-child turned wannabe socialite.
As with every episode, the show begins with each charmer starting a new day in the Holy City. Negotiating a real estate contract reminds Cameran just how much she loves being a modern Southern woman. Her place doesn’t have to be in the kitchen (or in the nursery) – she can have a career! She just needs husband Jason to pick up an ink cartridge for the printer on his way home so she can commence with commerce. Scarlett O’Hara was also a modern Southern woman, but even she knew when to call in reinforcements. Cameran reveals that after two years of marriage, Jason is ready for a baby. Unfortunately, Cameran’s biological clock has yet to start ticking, but she’s building up to some mild domestication with a practice round–she’s planning a dinner party for her friends.
Another season, another reason to floss for the Shahs of Sunset, and let’s hope they bring the gold!
We open with a look back on Reza Farahan standing up Adam Neely at the altar in Thailand. That would be enough to ruin any normal relationship but who’s that creeping in the background while Reza sleeps? It’s Adam! These two lovebirds stayed together and made it work. They even added an adorable little rescue pup, Tini, to the family. I am really happy these two worked it out and Reza realized that the grass isn’t always greener. On Reza’s short list of goals: get married, build a house, have fun with friends and family…oh and have sex and buy gold. Naturally.
Newlyweds Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido are busy drinking free Fiji water from her Dad and working out to keep in tip top shape before their marriage crashes and burns. Because the couples that sweats together stays together. No irony or anything here. Mike starts to wax poetic about how amazing – and how hard – it is to be married for four months; apparently, he has to ask permission to do everything. I’m assuming Mike has managed to find some time to himself given that they are already getting divorced because of his cheating. I doubt Jessica gave permission on that one. I can’t wait to see how that plays out this season.
Leah can’t believe Corey Simms won primary custody of Ali and Aleeah because apparently she doesn’t reflect on her behavior and the impact it has on her kids.
At Corey’s house, he gets the girls up for school and has their breakfast made. Then he makes them brush their teeth and he brushes their hair. They’re out the door by 6:30, fed and presumably on time. It must be Friday because Leah picks the girls up from school. Of course, she’s texting while driving AGAIN! Aleeah had a tough week and breaks down into tears because she missed her momma. I guess that’s her excuse for ratting out her sister who told daddy he gets them to school on time but mommy doesn’t. Leah lectures the girls to not talk about it when they get to school; it’s none of their business. All they have to worry about is going to school, and mommy and daddy will worry about when they get there. Um okay. Ali, repeat after momma: “Mommy gets me to school on time. I have a healthy breakfast every day. I’m always buckled into a car seat. Lunchables are stocked.” Atta girl!
Word on the street is…this is going to be one feisty reunion! The Real Housewives of Potomac gathered for part one of their first ever post season sit-down with Andy Cohen last night to rehash a season of etiquette lessons, racial tension, and butt-grabbing. If the “teamed” seating arrangement tells us anything, it looks like it may be a popularity contest of sorts. Charrisse Jackson-Jordan, Katie Rost, and Karen Huger on one side face off with Gizelle Bryant, Robyn Dixon, and Ashley Darby on the other. It’s notable that Gizelle and Karen are closest to Andy, as they seemed to be battling it out for HBIC status all season long. Lots of screaming and finger pointing coming our way, I presume!
Out of the gate, I have to address the elephant in the room: wardrobe, makeup, and hair. In a word…HUH!? These couches look like they’re playing host to my 1993 prom fashion show. I realize that as I type this I am sitting here in mismatched sweats, but I’m sorry ladies of Potomac – an immediate and ruthless intervention is in order! Or each housewives’ personal stylist must stand behind their creation and do some ‘splainin. Katie’s face alone makes Sonja Morgan’s smoky eye and updo seem, I don’t know, hip? And the sequins being served up here must have been a cast decision. But you know what they say about theory and reality. Theoretically, six super-sparkly gowns seems fancy and fun. In reality, it looks like a TJ Maxx clearance rack exploded on stage. Okay, no more shade. On to the show!
Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of New York. We met new Housewife Jules Wainstein. The original B of Bravo, Bethenny Frankel, also returned, and whew, was she some kinda mouthy! Bethenny apparently sees herself as the reverse fortune teller of RHONY; she won’t tell you your hopeful future, but with condescending judgement she will point out everything that’s wrong with you, your life, your past, and your overall way of being.
Bethenny is also the ‘Party Police’ this season – obviously replacing the woman she once loved to hate, Heather Thomson, who gathered her big-girl shaping panties and fled this Skinnygirl bar.
Things begin in Bethenny’s new apartment. Hurrah – she’s no longer homeless! The new place is nice, but in that blandly generic HGTV design show sort of way. Dorinda Medley visits to gawk over Bethenny’s Traum Safe, as if it’s something Dorinda couldn’t afford to install in her own pad. Bethenny and Dorinda have become close, but there is one major issue: Bethenny doesn’t approve of John. Like at all.
On the heels of last week’s bar fight, Christy McGinity Gibel and Terra Jole have nowhere to go…but to the tabloids? The ladies of Little Women: LA sure know how to celebrate good news! After Briana Reneedropped the bomb announced that she’s having Matt’s baby, all hell broke loose between Terra and Christy over Christy’s perceived lies and backstabbing.
We pick up right where we left off: with glasses and accusations flying. Christy is crying in the corner, claiming she’s been injured. Briana tries valiantly to comfort her – with napkins. But dreams of juicy settlements are already dancing in Christy’s head. Jasmine Sorgeand Tonya Banks are just trying to sort out what just went down. Jasmine doesn’t quite believe the public throwdown that just occurred. She counts herself lucky that it didn’t happen on her watch in Mexico. But Elena Gant, pregnant with twins – and strangely cool as a cucumber right now – defends Christy as just wanting to get back in Briana’s good graces. Thus, why she hasn’t been #TeamTerrable lately.
Last night, the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills wrapped up their trip to Dubai and Lisa Rinna had an epiphany: she’s not gonna become the collateral damage of two narcissists with queen complexes, also known as Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda Foster. Lipsa has diagnosed and labeled them as “hating each other” (medical name haterificaious bitcheria). There we have it – Lipsa has solved the mystery of whodunnit with the Munchausen in the Kyle Konservatory with the ulterior motive.
Our first clue that nothing is going well – the ladies can’t manage to enjoy 5-star shopping without bitching. Just buy shoes and shhhhhh! In a mall that engulfs the Mall Of America, then spits it out, chewed up and mangled, onto its ice rink, the 5-story mall of Dubai chauffeurs them around from luxury store to luxury store in Bentley golf carts. There goes LVP‘s cardio!
Lipsa wore her walking sneakers, unnecessarily. She had to put them to good use though, because – ugh, comfort shoes! – so she decided to walk all over the friendship of LVP!