The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills are now holding the Hamptons hostage. Lisa Vanderpump is pissy because she’s forced to stay in a cut-rate hotel, to attend a party Farrah Abraham is crashing, to celebrate the cover of a magazine literally no one has heard of. As Bethenny Frankel said, “Is it like one of those free magazines?”
Worst of all: Lisa must pretend to be happy about this so-called honor and has dragged poor Ken along for the ride. Did Ken not look about ready to lie down under the wheels of somebody’s limo just to make the high pitched voices stop? Ken-Aged-70 isn’t over the hill, he’s over it ALL.
Still stranded at the White Party, over dinner Lisa morphs into a CIA Investigator, one step away from waterboarding Eileen Davidson with a Chanel purse and a Vodka Tonic, as she asked probing questions, carefully worded in provocative terms, about Eileen’s marriages – specifically how Eileen met Vinny and when.
After a mediocre first week of Dance Moms, Abby Lee Miller is trying to keep her crazy in check, but she’s really just in major denial.
After lectures on punctuality and dedication, Abby is running late. She needs her make-up artist to make sure her eyebrows look better. Jill recognizes this behavior as Abby being on the verge of a breakdown. When the ALDC convenes for the pyramid, Maddie and Kalani are on the bottom due to their absences. MacKenzie and Kendall round out the bottom row. Nia is in the third spot for managing JoJo’s hamster ball, and JoJo places second for actually dancing in the ball. Brynn is in the top spot for winning her solo. Abby grants her solos to Kendall, MacKenzie and Nia, snarking that their mothers think they are good replacements for Maddie. Melissa sticks up for MacKenzie at every turn (for the first time), and Abby doesn’t appreciate her new stance. In a twist, Abby makes the announcement that she’s going to start training a mini team of young girls who she hopes will redeem her name with her sub-par competition team. The mothers are less than thrilled with this news.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules there were boobs, butts, and bad friends galore. You know, the usual!
It’s official I cannot stand Scheana Marie! Her ‘Nu-Stassi‘ routine is pathetic; she’s a totally disloyal, whiny, shit-stirring, biatch who needs to stop taking makeup tips from My Little Pony. Lord with those false eyelashes – you could practically fly with those things! In fact maybe that’s an idea – fly, fly away, Scheana. Take Kristen Doute with you.
Tom 2 and Katie Maloney are celebrating their engagement, which included burned taquitos sexytimes. Stassi Schroeder sent Katie a phony text congratulating her and whining that she wasn’t a part of it. Poor Stassi – she ditched all her friends but now is sad they don’t like her anymore. Poor Little Bitch Girl Problems!
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta complicated relationships were confronted with some surprising results. Most upsetting was watching Kenya Moore be rejected by her mother Patricia. It was as unnerving as watching Carrie, you just knew was was gonna happen, you felt it – the impending cruelty and betrayal, but you kept hoping you were wrong.
Kandi Burruss is baby shopping with Mama Joyce who suddenly loves everyone – even Todd! Even Phaedra Parks! Now Mama Joyce wants to be a “granny with a nanny” and put a nursery for Ace at her house, so she can be very involved. Mama Joyce is always up to something… I don’t trust that lady as far as I could throw her. Kandi seems dubious as well, but she knows better than to poke a tiger!
Mama Joyce has decided Kandi and Phaedra need to fix their friendship, so she volunteers to pay Phaedra a little a visit. Kandi doesn’t think it’s a good idea and nervously laughs off the suggestion.
The girls are packing, which means a secret and exalted Bravo ritual known as CLOSET TOURS!
First and foremost – unfortunately – we are in the mumu factory. Tucked deep in a corner of Beverly Hill is a tiny, cluttered, neon-covered, eye-searingly printed lair known as Kyle Richards‘ dressing room. Ironically one of the closet rods actually collapses under the kaftan weight and refuses to be put right. Girl – that’s a sign! Even Porsha, aged 7, refused to help Kyle put the bar back up – she shot mama a knowing side-eye that said, “Things happen for a reason.” MmmmHmmmm…
Summer is over, the girls and their mothers are back in Los Angeles, and JoJo is on a hoverboard. It’s got all the makings for a dramatic (and extra-long, I’m sure!) season. That’s right, dear readers! Dance Moms returned last night, and Abby Lee Miller brought the crazy…which she promises has nothing to do with her upcoming absences. Please. Kendall hopes that the finished studio will be good for Abby’s soul…she can’t be hateful in this beautiful space, right? Melissa brags that Maddie isn’t in attendance because she’s filming a movie, oh, and she’s now Kalani’s legal guardian so the teen can dance with the group while her mother Kira gets married and gives birth. Timing, you know. Abby interrupts the clucking hens, and she is beyond peeved at their Nationals loss. She lectures her clearly defeated group of dancers about their recent humiliation as the mothers purse their lips and the girls fight back tears.
Abby declares a ban on any extra work. No music videos, no appearances, no auditions, just dance. JoJo’s mother points out the hypocrisy that Maddie is filming a movie. Jill screams about her loyalty and how Kendall was turning down jobs left and right, as Kendall bawls, pleading for her mother not to make things worse with Abby. Abby then declares all of her dancers on the bottom of the pyramid before introducing Brynn to fill the incredible void left by Maddie. Brynn’s mother Ashlee does the requisite amount of sucking up as the other moms sulk.
In cold hard realities, the “A” Tom 1 drunkenly tattooed on his ass stands for Adulting. Tom 1 spent 15 drunken minutes getting inked, but now wants his 15 minutes back. Ariana Madix escorts him to Dat Tat Off, the world’s most professional tattoo removal parlor, which is coincidentally managed by Kristen Doute‘s Machiavellian friend, who happens to be wearing black and white stripes. Tom 1 – forever imprisoned by Kristen somehow! Tom went there in the hopes of getting a ‘friend-ish’ discount.
If they were a movie, it would be called, She’s [He’s] Just Not That Over You (The Tom and Kristen forever dysfunction story). True to form, Kristen’s friend is eager to view the self-inflicted damage Ariana caused Tom to enact.
Over at Kandi Koated Kattiness Factory, Shamea Morton arrives with her Firkin tail between her legs after being caught by Don Juan gossiping at the video release party. Don Juan and Carmon stand watch while Shamea tries to explain what happened. Like no one was talking loud enough for so-called ‘bloggers’ to overhear their conversation until Don Juan inserted his extra fried crispy into the mess.
Don Juan cannot accept this. Don Juan has his Diva Cup inserted deep, spouts off about Porsha Williams being so stupid she doesn’t know what gossip is. Oh, I think that may be one of the only things Porsha does know!