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Sometimes Real Housewives of New Jersey is the gift that keeps on giving. And sometimes it's the white elephant present that gets passed round and round at the party cause nobody wants to take it home. After last night's episode I have come to deduce two things: 1) That Kim D and the producers are crazy, maniacal, and will do anything for drama – hence setting up both Teresa Giudice AND Melissa Gorga OR 2) Teresa is the world's best actress, has truly missed her calling, and needs to get on Broadway ASAP. 

I'll do my best to remain neutral in this recap because I have my own opinion on what's going on – regardless of what the other members of the RHONJ are attempting to spin. So it's just check my sanity at the door here and suspend my rational thoughts – you know like any good Jersey Housewife!

And I'll also do my best to remain positive, because when it's all said and done this wasn't a bad episode. For the most part everyone was nice to each other, respectful, and got along. Well, except for Richie Wakile who is doing his damnedest to stay relevant and carve himself a niche in the show. More on him in a minute. 

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Last night on the season premiere of Real Housewives of Miami, Bravo tried to make lemons out of lemonade by teasing us with a fancypants literary reference and dangling feuds and jealousy in our faces. Aaaah, a Tale Of Two Miamis it is not – at least not yet. No, it was more like a tale of bored Housewives doing what they do best: show off, bicker, drink, and surgically alter themselves. Keep on being you, senoritas! 

Alas, things begin with a kicky opening montage of the new girls describing how Old Miami is a thing of the past (you think?) and new Miami is all them. Thus far, Old Miami looks a lot like New Miami and New Miami seems like they want to be Old Miami – if that makes sense. We jump into things by meeting the new girls and checking in with the old ones. And up first is Marysol Patton and and oldest of th Miami bunch, Mama Elsa

Marysol had a tumultuous year. Unfortunately she separated from her husband Philippe (whom we saw her getting married to on a mountain in Aspen) and he has since moved out. So… storyline wedding? Or storyline divorce? Anyway, Mama Elsa thinks it's for the best. In other Marysol updates, she has been seeing a new psychic behind Mama's back and that psychic saw her RHOM contract and informed her she would be meeting a whole bunch of new girls that would cause drama. Gee.. I think I would ask for a REFUND.

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After Jenn [Arroyo] City became Jenn Jury (haha, Big Brother, good one), Danielle Murphree, Ian Terry, Dan Gheesling, and Shane Meaney made up Big Brother 14's final four.

Dan points out that the Quack Pack is the final four. He says, "We gotta start eating our own ducks." Of course, Dan has eliminated one duck already, when he sacrificed Britney Haynes to keep himself safe. Tonight, Dan takes out duck number two.

Danielle wins Head of Household. The live feeds were down for almost two days, so there were some key points missing from yesterday's nomination and Power of Veto spoilers. Tonight's episode shows us, once again, just how good at this game Dan is.

Following the HoH competition, Danielle gloats, "I am HoH. I'm guaranteed final three. I just beat all the boys.. again. I am besides myself."  Ian understands the importance of winning the final four Power of VetoDan is bummed he lost HoH. But, he has final three deals with everyone, so he's not too worried.

Danielle is upset because she has to choose between Shane and Dan. Dan tells Danielle to nominate him and Ian, so that's what she does. A sad Ian says, "It's win [PoV] or go home." An extremely confident Dan says, "Heading into this veto competition, it would be great to win, but I don't have to. I still have a lot of magic left in me. I've already pulled a lot of rabbits out of hats this summer. I'm not done yet."

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Doomsday Wednesday is the fancy title CBS gave the most predictable hour of Big Brother all summer. This episode's only surprise came when Corn Flakes trumped Fruit Loops as the official cereal of Big Brother 14

Last week's double eviction took out Frank Eudy and Joe Arvon.

Dan Gheesling recovers from his risky nominations. Ian Terry is honored to have been "Memphised" by Dan. Ian doesn't know he was Dan's target. Danielle Murphree sulks for awhile, because that's what she does, but she goes right back to being Dan's number one girl.

Ian wins the next HoH. Jenn Arroyo talks to Ian right away. Ian tells Jenn he realizes there are "people here who have nominated me." Not I, says the one hasn't won a single HoH competition. Ian tells Dan he might have to use Dan as a pawn to "keep up appearances." Dan will never agree to this "crazy plan." Ever. In a million years. Dan stays silent, at first, and then tells Ian it's Renegades or nothing. Enough said. Ian nominates Jenn and Shane Meaney

Julie Chen surprises the houseguests with an elimination and a Head of Household competition on a Tuesday. (Crazy, I know!) But first… the Power of Veto.

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Last night on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo we were treated to more redneck living. It's sort of becoming an anthropology experiment at this point. This time we examined their diet in the wild. Don't these people have some pageants to do?

Anyway things begin with the local morning trek to mecca, aka the convenience store about 100 yards from their house. Mama, tired of the girls, ships them off to procure the daily necessities. Apparently Pumpkin often makes this journey styled in what the manager calls the "Bam Bam Look" – which means NO SHOES. Whatever happened to No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service? 

Yes – the employees know them all by name as they're reg'lars at the slurpee machine. Pumpkin spends so many hours hanging out there Mama has to call her to come home. Wasn't this a Family Guy episode? Whaddya wanna bet Pumpkin manages that convenience store some day and then starts her own franchise. Dream big. Big as a pumpkin!

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This is the end of MTV's Teen Mom. The original group, anyway. We still have Jenelle Evans and her buddies on Teen Mom 2 to endure enjoy, as well as a new group to learn to love to hate on Teen Mom 3.  

I'll admit – the Teen Mom series finale left me craving more Teen Mom; however, after watching these reunion "specials," I can honestly say I'm ready to move on. On Part One of the reunion special, which was taped the first weekend of MarchDr. Drew Pinsky talked to Catelynn LowellTyler Baltierra, and Farrah Abraham

Part two brings us the rest of the original cast. Well, almost. Amber Portwood is still at summer camp. <wink, wink>

Maci and Ryan… Sitting in a Tree… 

Before Dr. Drew obsesses about Maci Bookout and Ryan Edwards living happily ever after, he asks Maci about college. She says, "I'm doing good now. After my first two years, I just realized how fast it was going by. I stopped making excuses. Aside from Bentley, that should be the most important thing." Maci adds she is done wasting her time and money. Also, she travels at least once a week to speak to teens about teen pregnancy. 

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Last night's Flipping Out was my big fat Greek disaster when Jenni enlists Jeff to help her plan the events in Chicago.  He does a better job at counting her pennies than picking out place settings.

Jeff Lewis loves pitting Zoila Chavez against Lupe.  He enlists boyfriend Gage Edward to help him drive The Zoila crazy.  It is priceless.  Later Jeff and Jenni Pulos head out to work on a project, and he gets freaked out when she makes eye contact with a homeless guy outside of the car.  The duo meet with Jeanne Shaw, a repeat client whose home they are upgrading.  Jeff is freaking out that Jenni has yet to send out her Save the Dates, so he and Jeanne needle her about her jam packed wedding weekend.  Jeff loves working with Jeanne because he's often able to convince her to make more changes than she initially planned.  Money isn't really an object though as Jeanne is married to the lead singer of Styx.

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Last night was the season finale of Dance Moms with an explosive competition.  Abby Lee Miller was meaner than normal, Candy Apple Cathy's laugh grated on my last nerve, and Kelly contemplated pulling her girls from the Abby Lee Dance Company for good. 

The girls are headed to Beverly Hills 90210 for Nationals.  I think the moms are more excited than the kids.  Melissa clearly wants some Brandon Walsh action!  The bottom of the pyramid is Paige, thanks to her injury and forgetfulness, Nia for not being sharp enough, Chloe for coming in sixth overall, and Kendall for being good, but not good enough.  Jill is livid.  Brooke is on the second level.  Abby touts her amazing job but calls her lazy.  MacKenzie joins Brooke for forgetting part of her dance.  Maddie makes her way back to the top of the pyramid.

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