Last night was the series premiere of Ladies of London. I'm interested, although I wish there were more Brits than Americans living in London. I deal with enough American famewhores, I want to learn about some international ones!
Right away we meet the doyenne of the franchise Caroline Stanbury. Caroline is authentic British aristocracy and royalty. She owns and runs a luxury concierge service and lives in a massive home down the street from Brangelina. She's fabulously British and serves as the show's narrator of all things Brit and Class. I imagine her holding a clipboard, Burberry cat eyes perched on her nose, as she scores all the infractions of social impropriety. Basically you can tell within 6 seconds of her meeting the American caste of her class that she regrets getting involved in this nonsense and feels it's her duty to separate herself in everyway possible from their gauche behavior.
So yes, Shannon Beador and Heather think their holiday cards are on par with the White House's in terms of preeminent importance. Shannon tells us that people look forward to her card every year and Heather gives a gushing speech about what it represents to her family (Time immemorial? Neil deGrasse Tyson joke!). They both hire full glam crews and professional photography teams to make these visions come to life. I think I saw Anna Wintour scuttling around behind the ladder in Heather's shoot.
It's nice to know that I have some things in common with these two wealthy beacons of the upper echelons – because even though I take my holiday photo with an iPhone, my kids misbehave just as much as Heather and Shannon's do! Anyway, Heather is taking her card in what looks like the parking lot of a storage facility. Maybe since they're between mega mansions she's going for homeless chic?
Get the Emmys ready, the crew of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta is all about the heavily scripted drama these days, and it gets more and more obvious each week. Let's get started with the recapped madness, shall we?
Because Mimi Faust cares far too much about her ex's marital status to Joseline Hernandez, Benzino believes the best way to squash their beef is to facilitate a meeting with Mimi,Stevie J., and Dawn. Seriously, how did Dawn land a role on this show? There are so many extras getting screen time this season, it's confusing! Sleazo arrives ready to shut down the Inspector Gadget asses who are hell bent on taking down Hip Hop Weekly. Stevie promises 'Zino that he and Joseline are, in fact, married, but Mimi wants the magazine to print a retraction. Stevie thinks that Mimi must still love him to go to all of this trouble, and he taunts her with his best rat face, saying that he's his own country who doesn't need to follow the laws–or marriage license filings–of the regular folk. He stutters again on his wedding date. So, this is what makes a story line? Geez, Mona. You should've run with the sex tape for a few more episodes!
Last night was our first introduction to the season that Bravo hopes will redeem Real Housewives of New Jersey's viewership. After season 5 suffered from sinking ratings because of stale drama and regurgitated storylines the network has infused new and recycled blood into the franchise and given us orange-er skin, more be-sprayed hair, and a let's be happier facade!
Everyone is treating Teresa Giudice with the nice-ies – maybe it's because they recognize that this may be her last season due to jail time and the throne will be open for a new RHONJ queen! Dina Manzo is back to be Teresa's lady in waiting, but she also has a whole new lease on life because she's single and ready-ish to mingle. Mingle with species other than cats – of both the hairless and ferocious Jersey tigers out for her blood varieties! I missed Dina – I like her dry candor. And her cats.
Last night was the premiere of Kandi's Wedding. Unfortunately what is supposed to be a joyful occasion for the couple has been usurped by drama and negativity! Of course Mama Joyce is doing everything in her power to destroy Kandi Burruss' happiness; from telling Kandi she's fat, to accusing Todd Tucker's parents of being a retired pimp and ho. Seriously Mama Joyce said Todd's mother Sharon was a former "working girl" who had trained Todd to hustle for Kandi's money. And Todd's now deceased father was once her pimp! If I were Sharon I would be getting an attorney on the phone immediately! #LawsuitByBravo
Other than Mama Joyce, Kandi's BFF and bridesmaid Carmon has been shoved into the role of impromptu wedding planner. Kandi tells her team (which includes manager Don Juan) that she wants to plan her entire Coming To America themed wedding in 5 weeks – and to save money (since Kandi is a girl who loves a deal!) she's decided to skip the high-priced wedding planners and rely on her assistant/bridesmaid Carmon and another employee, her event coordinator Johnny who has done a few simple weddings in the past. Oh lord – this spells trouble in both Zamundan and English!
Last night on Real Housewives of New York we bid adieu to Milou. But it was more than saying goodbye to Sonja Morgan's dog, it was about saying goodbye to toxic relationships and living in the past. In short, Sonja made the decision that she was not going to end up a modern-day Miss Havisham and was instead going to l-i-v-e as a modern-day Auntie Mame!
Kristen Taekman is in the throes of many struggles – I mean Ramona Singer maimed her and her husband is the very definition of douchelord in the dictionary – I promise! Look it up – his photo is in there.
She meets LuAnn de Lesseps and Heather Thomson for some shopping where she recaps her Ramonapology, you know here's some flowers, gotta whiz! Hamptons! Celebrities! And there was poor Kristen sitting at the table like, "but… I put on this dress. And you – you have anger management issues!" It was too late, Ramona had already downed her glass of wine? water? Water which she turned into wine? Does she have that power based on the sheer will of her fortitude? I mean how does Ramona even get a wine glass in a tea shop? Does she carry her own, in her purse, for emergency purposes? So many questions…
Last night on 16 And Pregnant 18-year-old Aleah LeBeouf, a diabetic teen from St. Louis, MO, welcomed daughter Peyton. Because of her diabetes she has a high risk pregnancy and has to check her sugar multiple times a day. Doctors warn her that her daughter Peyton could be stillborn if she doesn't monitor her sugar closely. Aleah worries constantly that she won't be able to provide a good life for her daughter or that her medical issues could also make her daughter sick.
Aleah is dating Shawn, who is 19 and has a three-year-old son named Noah from another baby mama. Noah's biological mom is not in the picture so he lives full-time with Shawn and his family, and Aleah acts as a mother-figure to him.
Last night Heather Dubrow was in full manners crusader role as she hosted a hoedown ground breaking party for her new mansion in the sky. In case you didn't know, Heather is above everyone else – literally.
Before all that, the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County continued to bicker and give their varying accounts of "chairgate". When will Bravo stop trying to make "…gate" happen? They should re-title the franchise Real Housewives Gate. Anyway, back to chairgate. UGH.
Heather complains to Terry that Shannon Beadorturned into the Incredible Hulk (it must be all the supplements!), wrenched the chair out from under her and bellowed SHANNON SMASH SOCIALITE! It was frankly alarming to Miss Dubrow – positively frightening. She's really considering therapy for the horrifying injustice she endured. True confession: I tuned out. I think Terry did too. Heather's complaints went on for a while.