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rhonj amber and jim marchese

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey we open with the drama at the First Responsers Ball, where the pillars of RHONJ society congregated in their Partay Citay deluxe luxury couture vinyl posche-y firehoochie ensembles (basically this is like the MET Gala of Franklin Lakes, NJ, here people). 

Of course not everyone was in the party mood, despite the finest quality vinyl they were wearing. Amber Marchese had her hair yanked out and her husband had his authority questioned. Jim Marchese whispers in Poison’s ear (not in the way that gets the poison flowing), that he is a “dumb f***” then walked out the door. And Poison, our jr muscle man hopped out of his chair, swimming in his fireman couture, and followed Jim to demand an apology.

Jim does not fight – he’s an attorney and an upstanding citizen who will just have you arrested. Then sued. Oh yes – Jim is a grown man who does not brawl in someone’s basement wearing a low-rent version of Kappa Kappa Gamma’s Halloween party garb. Nor does Jim exchange blows on the snow covered sidewalk of a New Jersey McMansion.

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 kuwtk3

On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the girls each got the chance to show off their new McMansions. Kris Jenner and MJ got high off magic Gummi Bears and Bruce Jenner was a buzzkill. Surprise Surprise. Scott Disick got sloppy and became Scott circa Miami meltdown and Kourtney Kardashian may or may not have failed to take Khloe Kardashian to dinner before screwing her over.

Things begin with Khloe and Kourtney playing grab ass while mocking Kim Kardashian for her Vogue Cover. Really we should be mocking Anna Wintour for her poor lapse of judgment. Maybe she was high too? Kim has a case of sour grapes because her sisters didn’t drop their lives, worship her, kiss her feet, hands and ass and come to the newsstand at 5am to purchase one of the first copies of Kim’s bible cover. Khloe taunts Kim and tells her she already has her copy and reads it while she is on the john. #ToiletMaterial

 eddie

Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to tweet a picture of some pancakes you just made your husband, but you accidentally capture your bare booty in the photo, without noticing? Anyone? Yeah, me neither, but that is the storyline of this week’s episode of LeAnn & Eddie.

The episode kicks off with Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes grocery shopping for an upcoming party that they are hosting. LeAnn purchases about three cows, and six pigs worth of meat for twenty guests. Eddie complains about how he has married an unstoppable spending machine.

dbt-kim-zolciak

In this week’s new episode of Don’t Be Tardy, the Biermanns are hitting the white sandy beaches of Destin as they finally have a clear sunny day (Day 4) while on Spring Break.

They’re certainly enjoying the fun in the sand as Kim Zolciak notes their home afforded them a private beach. Hmmm…I can see people, lots and lots of people directly next to them and more homes and hotels where it looks like public access to “their” beach (Am I missing something?).  Brielle wants to go for a joy ride on the jet ski and Kim says “No” because she doesn’t want to worry about anything happening to Brielle. There still is a bit of tension lurking between Kim and Kroy Biermann from their argument last night about how in-tune Kim is to Brielle’s teenage growing pains (drinking, drugs, etc.) Kim and Kroy are taking the twins for a stroll on the beach to smooth things over and remind each other how much they love each other and how crazy raising 5 more kids will be (ya think??!!!).

ramona, aviva, sonja rhony s6 reunion delusional

Ahhhh… delusion. There’s a river of denial running through Real Housewives of New York and we better build a dam before it takes down the whole dang cast. I nominate Heather Thomson to be in charge. 

Clearly the powers that be at Andy Cohen Headquarters decided to put all the super crazies together to form some sort of cosmic force of intense delusion. The loose grasp of reality that was tenuously tying Ramona, Sonja, Aviva (Ramonjava?) to the world evaporated right there on stage. Of course “IT’S ALLEGATIONS!” that they’re insane. “ALLEGATIONS!” 

We open with Sonja Morgan discussing why she needs 9,000 interns. I want to know how many have lodged complaints with OSHA but Andy never asks the hard questions. She claims colleges give credits to these kids spending a semester learning Mac Calendar – scheduling Mrs. Morgan’s busy life of partying on her yacht with P. Diddy is “the hardest thing.” It takes a lot of creativity to completely fabricate Mrs. Morgan’s importance!

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dance moms gino maddie kiss

What would Dance Moms be without the long running feud against the Candy Apples? On last night’s episode, Abby Lee Miller once again faced her nemesis while bragging about that one time she judged Dancing With The Stars. Is it just me, or do the original moms—even crazy Christi—seem tame in comparison to the new antics? 

As the girls enter the studio, Abby dubs it their walk of shame. She’s sent home her new team to rest and revel in their victory, but she’s allowed Sarah to join the original dancers because her mom stirs up so much drama…oh, and because she’s talented. Yeah, totally the second thing I just wrote. Sarah is eight years old and sporting what have to be eyelash extensions. Abby reminds Sarah that if her mouthy mom has anything negative to say, Sarah will be ousted for good. After Abby rakes the girls over the coals for being sore losers, Jill interrupts to say the team wasn’t sad to lose, but rather they felt let down by their teacher. 

Chloe is on the bottom of the pyramid for poor turns, followed by Maddie for crying in public. Kendall is third on the bottom, and Nia is criticized for not working hard enough to make up for her lack of raw talent. MacKenzie is second, and Sarah takes the top spot for performing with the winning team. Abby cackles as she reveals they will be competing in Ohio against the Candy Apples. The group number will be entitled “Broken Dolls” so art can imitate her dancers’ real life. Abby announces that the duet will be called “I’ve Just Gotta Be Kissed” and all of the girls are giggling and blushing. Maddie will be dancing with Cathy’s former student Gino.

 real-housewives-of-melbourne

The second episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Lydia Schiavello shopping with her Stepson, Sam at a high-end designer boutique, Christines.  Man, does she know how to shop.  She buys whatever she wants and that includes a trench coat made out of pantyhose (I sound like my grandmother). Then, she weirdly tries it on and walks out of the dressing room in a black lace bra wearing said pantyhose-material trench and asks Sam what he thinks.  Gross. He’s your stepson.

Speaking of shopping, Gina Liano is at Versace for some new dresses, bags and shoes to bring abroad to spend time with her long-distance boyfriend.  He’s flying her out to to be with after she shared with him what Jackie Gillies, the psychic, revealed at the ladies’ dinner a few nights prior.  He completely denied any cheating (hence the plane ticket. Um, OK. Can you say someone is busted and feeling guilty??) and of course Gina believes him without a doubt (mind you, he has been abroad for SIX months, so why would he cheat…)

 Real Housewives of Melbourne

G’day Real Housewives of Melbourne! Bravo is now airing season 1 of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, two episodes each Sunday.  This weekend they kicked off with episodes 1 & 2 and we have your recaps for both!  (ep 2 coming later today).  In episode one we get to know the Aussie Housewives – Lydia Schiavello, Andrea Moss, Jackie Gillies, Chyka Keebaugh, Janet Roach, and Gina Liano

First up is Lydia – she is married to an famous architect, Andrew. They visit their “snow house” (aka second home in the mountains) every weekend via private jet. She has 3 children and 3 stepchildren and they all get along really well.  She is studying interior design – so far so normal!  Oh, wait.  She tells us she wears the pants at home and Andrew wears the pants at work but when Andrew’s home she prefers to be in his pants.  No – ugh. It looks like Lydia will be the housewife that can’t stop talking about banging her husband (a la early days of Alex and Simon – GROSS).  Lydia also loves to spend money.  Just last weekend when she was on ski trip with Andrew she had to have to TRUCK deliver her mounds and mounds of shopping bags.  I have a feeling Lydia is all about money all the time and creepy sex-talk.  Eew.

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