Recaps

Stassi Schroeder

Of all the things that make ZERO sense about Vanderpump Rules, the two that stand out the most are Kristen Doute and PatrickStassi Schroeder‘s, Zen For The Douchebag’s Soul, sometimes-boyfriend. Yes, for me, this has overshadowed the tedium of Jax Taylor behaving atrociously and getting away with it. Again.

For instance, why is Kristen going to the opening of James Kennedy‘s See You Next Tuesday DJ gig at SUR? Doesn’t she despise her cretin ex boyfriend with the passion of a thousand disturbed bees? Don’t ALL of them actually hate James?! Hasn’t the hatred of James Kennedy been a storyline for, oh, I dunno – the past 3 seasons?! Apparently Kristen would go to the opening of an envelope, though, and when being on Vanderpump Rules is your only J-O-B…

Kim & NeNe

All them elephants eh? Well I guess Real Housewives Of Atlanta has turned into a circus, and the elephants are running things!

Sometimes I’m astounded by just how much crap RHOA is filled with. Like Porsha Williams – suddenly it’s her life-long dream to be an actress? I thought that was NeNe Leakes‘ dream? Anyway, now Porsha is doing a play, but it ain’t no Broadway, it’s some local theater but at least she gets to work with the greats like Vivica A Fox.

Love After Lockup Premiere Recap: From Felon To Fiance

Yes, this is actually happening, people. Friends, Romans, Countrymen – lend me your sanity! Because we are in for a ridiculously craptastic treat with WeTV’s newest experiment, Love After Lockup, which follows six engaged couples who try to make their relationships work once their prison fiances are released. Since most of the couples met and became engaged while one of them was incarcerated, they’ve never lived with one another on the “outside.” Now they’ll be financially responsible for their prison boo, will have to keep them within the bounds of probationary requirements, and of course, integrate them into their totally freaked out families. Think of it as a K-1 Visa with even higher stakes and more deranged people! Essentially, it’s my favorite kind of sh*tshow.

To make matters infinitely better, Love After Lockup is brought to us by the same producers who delivered the diamond encrusted gold nugget of trash TV known as 90 Day Fiance (TLC). This is the stalwart team who scours the planet on the reg, finding hopeless romantics willing to bare it all on cable networks. And I am telling you right now: They are not letting us down with this new project. One episode in, and I already feel like I’m living my best life. Again.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Finale Recap: Prisons, Proposals, And Parties

After a short season of Siggy Flicker unravelling, Teresa Giuidice namaste-ing, and Margaret Josephs pig-tailing, it’s the end of the road for The Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Despite the left turns and dead ends going on behind the scenes (and damn, is it a MESS!), the cast boldly pretends to finish out the season on a unified path. Well, except for Siggy and Margaret. And Danielle Staub and Dolores Catania. And Kim DePaola and…everyone else. Okay – never mind! All these b*tches still hate each other. But they did wear glittery eyeshadow and weird wigs!

Margaret and Marge Sr. are checking out the custom made dress commissioned for Margaret’s 50th birthday party. She’s forever 21 in her head, but in the dress, her boobage is still 49. As she yanks and tugs at her cleavage, Danielle saunters in to join the party. They all discuss Siggy’s rude behavior at the Gorga’s restaurant opening. Marge isn’t going to uninvite Siggy to her disco bash just because she acted crazy – I mean, everyone’s used to that sh*t by now, right?!

Lisa Rinna

There are so many things you don’t want to learn from a Real Housewife. The list honestly is endless, however, I never thought I’d have to add “blow job tips” to that already overwhelming list. Apparently I do, and it falls right under “money management” and above “drinking habits.” As always: Thanks Lisa Rinna! So that’s just a preview of last night’s raunchy, ribald, and Do-RITNOWSHUTYOURMOUTH’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.

And just when I was starting to like Dorit Kemsley… it turns out SHE’S the bad guy!

While most of these women are stuck in California with construction, heat waves, and the crushing woes of work, Lipsa and Erika Girardi are headed to Japan where apparently The Daughters Rinna are big-time celebrities. I’m pretty sure Lipsa hired paparazzi and a roving pack of obsessed fans to follow Delilah and Amelia around, but there was a huge crowd to greet them at the airport and an impromptu red carpet, as Lipsa stood idly by babysitting 300 pieces of luggage and being ignored.

VH1’s America’s Next Top Model Season 24 Premiere Recap

VH1’s America’s Next Top Model Season 24 Premiere Recap

It’s a new day for VH1’s America’s Next Top Model! Season 24 is bringing us a more diverse cast than ever, with Tyra Banks declaring that beauty has no age, no color, and no size limitations. Hurrah! And the cast of potential models this year reflects Tyra’s mantra. They come from every corner of the country and this time, they truly are a diverse reflection of us all.

In their quest to find out who is “next level fierce,” the judges begin this season by whittling down a group of 26 to 14 models straight out of the gate. Joining Tyra on the panel are the sweet and salty Drew Elliot (Creative Consultant/Director), the hilariously catty Law Roach (Image Architect), and the gorgeous body image empowerment speaker and Supermodel, Ashley Graham.

Jax Taylor

So, let’s see – cheating accusations are like clowns in a clown car on Vanderpump Rules now. How many cheaters can we cram into one episode here? Seriously, though, they need to refresh the story-writing staff over at Bravo. Or perhaps get a lot of new cast members…

If we were gonna make a seven-layer dip of the cheating scandals it would go like this: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright is the beefy bottom layer. The anchor of this season’s unfaithful dramas, if you will, but that just got amped up by the spicy salsa of audio featuring Jax’s pillow talk with Faith Stowers, in which he said he’d never marry Brittany.

Real Housewives of Atlanta recap

I was actually really pleased by last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. In addition to the usual drama and bickering, all the ladies came together to film a PSA produced by Kenya Moore about domestic violence. It was thoughtful, emotional, and really prescient – so here’s to RHOA setting a good example for once! Of course we also had to squeeze in some necessary nonsense.

It’s been THREE long weeks since we’ve checked in on our peaches. They went to San Fran, that ended in disaster, and now the disasters have been toted back to Atlanta in borrowed and fake Birkins and trudged on by Jimmy Choos.