OK, folks! In full disclosure, I am writing this Blood, Sweat, and Heels recap after sweating and slogging around Disney World all day with my family, so I may be a little slow on the uptake. (Actually it’s been a blast and I have mad respect for all of the parents who’ve gone before me running the Mickey gauntlet.) I’ve got three full cups of coffee in my system now and am ready to roll – so, here we go!
We pick up with Melyssa Ford rehearsing for her soon-to-debut musical/comedy “For Vixens Who’ve Considered Homicide When the Video Was Too Much.” So, it’s catchy then! Melissa says she creates high pressure situations for herself so she can squeeze diamonds out. She’s looking to spoof the industry that’s defined her for so long – the music industry that made her, that is. She takes the stage to rehearse her lines and it seems as if she needs a BIT more work before opening day. Melyssa interviews that she wants to be more than a video vixen has been – she wants to be a professional, uh, professional. She can’t think of an exact title yet, so step off people!
The girls are still in Manila at the uber 5-star peace and progress drama rehab. It’s minutes before they’re supposed to check out but Kenya is still soaking up that last 5 minutes of attention whoring (see what I did there?! LOL) by wandering around the pool in a bikini showing her butt crack to maximum Maxim. What was it Krayonce was screaming about coochie and butt crack? Anyway — that’s all in the past – she wants us to conveniently forget all of her past indiscretions. Hey I will, I want to, let’s move ON! However, if Kenya wants to show Porsha Williams that while she is the one dressed like a THOT on instagram, Kenya was a THOT of the oldschool on such magazines as STUFF and FHM, I’ll go along.
Kenya twirls back to her suite, escorting Claudia Jordan and Cynthia Bailey, the smoke in her tilt-a-twirl’s line of fire. There they discuss the marvel of Phaedra finally talking to Kenya! Claudia secret-smiles over how amazing she is for bringing peace to the group, then our simpering sycophant tells Kenya how much she deserves the apology for all she has put-up with. OK, seriously?
Lila comes to visit Kristin at home to apologize for telling Elena Gant (from Little Women: L.A.) about Kristin’s divorce. Elena’s rude behavior (whether scripted or not) drove a wedge between Lila – who gave Elena her intel – and almost every other woman at dinner last episode. Bearing flowers, Lila asks Kristin how she’s feeling. Kristin thinks Lila can’t just show up at her door and conveniently be BFFs again. Lila defends Elena’s behavior, saying she didn’t know Elena was a “loose cannon.” Neither did we. Which was why the entire debacle was just plain weird. Kristin reluctantly accepts Lila’s apology because she knows she’s fragile and trying to stay sober. Kristin invites Lila to her and Misty’s housewarming party later.
I don’t want to sound like I’m bullying Brandi, but here’s the thing: if she would just own maybe a smidgen of her behavior or actions (and apologize without conditions) I think it would go a long way in everyone believing that she has a good heart, is good a mother, and is a person who at least on occasion behaves like an adult. Instead Brandi resorts to accusing Lisa Vanderpump(who can’t even be bothered to put out for Ken more than twice a year) of being desperate for the 23-year-old manwand of her son’s childhood bestie. This is because LVP called Brandi out for being too drunk too f–k her Amsterdam-ian fling (according to Andre, who unfortunately was not Skyped during the reunion!)
Thanks for tuning in to episode 1,000,314 of this season’s Dance Moms. You, like myself, must be a total glutton for punishment! Abby Lee Miller was up to her old tricks again, although this time she wasn’t yelling. Instead she was incessantly praising her star Maddie. Don’t get me wrong, I think Maddie is ridiculously talented and it’s not her fault her teacher alienates her with favoritism. However, it was a bit odd given that Maddie wasn’t present on last night’s episode to receive said praise. After a successful competition last week, the girls are missing Maddie who is performing on SNL with Sia. Melissa hates that she isn’t in New York with her daughter but she has to be there to support her other daughter…what’s her name? Oh, yeah, MacKenzie. I may just call her Maddie’s sister to make it easier. After all, that seems to be how everyone else refers to her.
Abby congratulates the team on a clean sweep and cites that it’s quite a big deal she’s chosen to be in Philly with them instead of in the Big Apple with Maddie. Jessalyn is excited to be returning to LA in a week now that JoJo has a team jacket. What a tease! The previews insinuated they were heading back to L.A. this week! How long are they trying to make this season? Is it lasting until 2018? Abby reminds her team that they are pretty much nothing without Maddie, but she’ll be interested to see how they fare in Maddie’s absence. She’s guessing not very well…
T-Rav and Kathryn are packing for a trip to town, and she’s beyond ready to move back to Charleston. Edisto is such a haul! She questions why Jennifer Snowden was in attendance at Thomas’ dinner at Sermets to announce running for U.S. Senate. Is Jennifer a friend? A confidante? An ex? After all, Thomas has always maintained to her that he barely knows Jennifer. T-Rav knows Kathryn has been through a lot in the last year, and her young age causes her to suffer from insecurity. Kathryn found his behavior to be both disrespectful and inappropriate, and all he can do is tuck his tail between his legs and utter a soft apology.
I’m basically just watching the Love & Hip Hop finale to see which scorned lady Rich Dollaz is going to fight with next…should he get his own show for this purpose? Last night’s episode begins as Jhonni is pouring her heart out in the studio. At least Rich is good for some new material! Without Rich as a manager or a lover, she’s determined to let her music tell her story. Diamond Strawberry is also frustrated with Rich on top of all her Cisco drama, and she’s meeting with her father Darryl Strawberry to fill him in on her time in New York. She forgot to mention to him that she moved to the Big Apple in pursuit of a man and not her modeling career. Diamond regales her former baseball playing dad about the broken promises on which Cisco lured her to New York. He thinks it is high time for Diamond to start taking responsibility for her actions and her bad decisions. Darryl hopes this will be a life lesson for his daughter. His suit-shirt combo makes me dizzy.
Tara Wallace is excited that her etiquette business for wayward hip hop artists is taking off, and she’s calling in a favor from ex Peter Gunz. She’s hoping he’ll work with some of her artists. The pair catch up civilly (for once), and Peter thinks that this could be a step in the right direction for the pair. She warns him to be kind to Amina Buddafly. While it isn’t easy for her to listen to him wax poetic about his imploding marriage, she wants him to make better choices and stop hurting the people he claims to love…even if it is the woman she feels stole him from his family.
The ladies show up at the airport in good spirits. Porsha Williams had more Louis Vuitton luggage than she has brain cells and negotiating the luggage carousel in heels was like the second coming of Sheneneh. Porsha must look cute because she may meet her future married African sugar daddy husband at the airport! All the single men would rather endure an endless TSA security checkpoint, than deal with PoorTaste – or her baggage!
Upon arriving at the airport Phaedra Parks hid in her limo cause ‘a Krayonce was ‘a comin! She’s been on RHOA trips before… Despite Claudia’s protestations that the Philippines will be positive vibes, Phaedra declares these women would argue even at the second coming of Christ. Of course they would – because Lord knows all of ‘em ain’t getting into heaven!