Recaps

Gizelle-Bryant-Concerned-Real-Housewives-of-Potomac

After last week’s Real Housewives of Potomac, I had renewed hope that this franchise had beaten all of it could out of its overplayed etiquette theme and was ready to set sail in deeper waters. Perhaps the first season kinks, which are inevitable in a new franchise with a virtually unknown cast, are just getting worked out? I remain cautiously optimistic!    

Karen Huger and her daughter Rayvin are taking a self defense class together in preparation for Rayvin’s days on the mean streets of State College, PA. Karen was mugged last year on her way out of the mall, and she lost her cubic zirconia diamond necklace in the ordeal. But the perp didn’t snatch her diamond ring. Why? She slid it down into “never never land.” (Can we never never hear that reference again, please!?) In order that Rayvin not meet the same fate of shoving rings into coochie cracks, Karen helps her practice her punches and pummels. She is not ready to send Rayvin out into the world yet, though, and chokes up when they talk of college being just around the corner. Karen knows her daughter is strong and will thrive, but she reminds her to kick anyone’s a$$ who threatens her safety. And just in case, she bought her a pink stun gun.

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Little Women: Atlanta Relationship REboot

Last night on Little Women: Atlanta Miss Minnie Ross celebrated her birthday and decided to turn over a new leaf. Meanwhile Andrea and Amanda Salinas struggled with loser boyfriends and missing home.

First of all, what are the twins even doing in Atlanta? They moved from Texas, Andrea leaving behind her toddler son, to make it as a twerking tiny twin act? Really? Thankfully Andrea and Amanda’s parents seem extremely unimpressed by their career goals. 

One thing the twins have accomplished is wreaking havoc on The Cheeks friend group. After Bri Barlup and Emily Fernandez learned that Minnie got the twins an interview at the club they twerk at, they decided to distance themselves. Since it’s Minnie’s birthday she wants to start fresh and invites Emily and Bri to lunch.

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Briana-Renee-Greenshirt-Little-Women-LA

Were you guys as freaked out by the previews for this week’s Little Women: LA as I was? Briana Renee hinting around about being PREGNANT with He Who Shall Not Be Named’s baby!? I need a power nap before I even hit play on my DVR tonight. This is going to be traumatic/exhausting/cray-cray! 

Before we get to the more shocking moments, Lifetime throws us a bone in the form of Terra Jole, Tonya Banks, and Elena Gant frolicking in a field, flying kites. Weird, yet somehow…comforting? Terra and Tonya tell Elena about the Briana confrontation that happened at apple picking, and how Briana promised to “think about” reaching out to her parents. Not really a promise worth its weight in cubic zirconia, but it’s all Briana was willing to say. Elena confesses she didn’t come to the apple picking because Jasmine Sorge’s face was there, and she didn’t want to see it. Terra encourages Elena to sit down and mend fences with Jasmine, but Elena is all eye-rolls and long sighs on the subject. She’s not ready. Guess who is ready to rekindle the romance with ex-boo, Kerwin? Tonya! She’s looking for love wherever she can find it, apparently.     

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mob wives marissa karen carla

I wonder if the ladies of Mob Wives remember that warehouse round-table where the vowed to leave their anger behind and not speak poorly about each other. It doesn’t seem like it! Renee Graziano is hopeful that the women are moving forward, and she’s hosting the group (sans Prissy Marissy) at a baseball game. 

Renee, Carla Facciolo, and Karen Gravano argue about the protocol of placing one’s hand over one’s heart during the national anthem…and they are having this debate during the actual national anthem. As if their loud banter isn’t disrespectful enough, Karen swears up and down that your supposed to put your hand over your heart during the Star-Spangled Banner, not the national anthem. It takes her the entire song–and prodding from Renee–to realize the songs are one and the same. Patriotism at its finest. Big Ang is looking great despite her recent tests to determine the mass on her lungs, and all of the ladies agree that their beef is extremely petty in comparison to what she’s facing. Drita D’avanzo arrives with Brittany Fogarty who is understandably wary about facing this group of hens after their last encounter. She’s hoping she and Karen can move forward after last week’s tense chat, and she invites the ladies to come watch her watch in one of the many shows that she’ll be walking in for New York Fashion Week. Wait, what? 

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Lisa Rinna battles Yolanda

Hey – do you guys want to talk about Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease?! NO?! Well, everyone else on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills does. 

Before we get into the lemon-lyme mess of moushchen-houschen-doth-protestest-too-much, the ladies are still in San Diego recovering from the Erika Jayne treatment. As if the Erika Jayne gyration experience wasn’t enough, she gave them whiplash when she bold-faced lied the night before. Nevertheless the ladies are climbing aboard Erika’s golden tour bus for a trip to Kathryn Edwards‘ house. At Kathryn’s they may not have c-nty necklaces, or a plethora of naked male dancers, but they do have a fireplace of stones imported from Jerusalem!

Over brunch Eileen Davidson demands an answer to who told Yolanda that Bella and Anwar’s Lyme was discussed (and lied about the context). Finally Erika confesses. No one asks why she lied the night before, or to Yolanda. She claims she merely mentioned the discussion to Yo. The side-eye of Lisa Vanderpump does not believe her. 

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dance moms moms

If there’s one thing that Abby Lee Miller can consistently do, it’s bring the crazy to Dance Moms. Despite her legal woes, she managed to be a part of last night’s episode–although she appeared to be on the verge of a mental breakdown the entire time. However, I don’t think Abby’s as unhinged as she appears…I think it’s all ego. Also, Lifetime, I’m on to you adding nine extra minutes to the episodes this season. Not cool. 

Abby is sporting pajamas and rollers as the ALDC waits to practice. Jill has her nose so far up Abby’s bum in hopes of drawing her out of the insanity. “Your hair is going to look so great when you finally take out of those hot rollers,” and, “You don’t want to go out on the bottom…you need to show the world you’ve still got it!” Abby retorts that she wasn’t put on this earth for the Feds to make her look bad. She’s done working with the ALDC. Holly questions whether they should pursue an opportunity with Debbie Allen. They want to be supportive, but if she doesn’t want them there, they don’t have other options. As Abby melts down, she shuns Melissa and Jill who hope she’ll change her mind. Gia is equally stressed as she works with the girls on their group number. 

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Tom Schwartz Feels Sad

Last night on Vanderpump Rules an informal peace summit was finally staged, over shots, in, of all places, Lala Kent‘s apartment!

Stassi Schroeder is still milling around Los Angeles lost adrift the skeletons of the friendships she buried when Saint Patrick of the Mount Perfectionist Adultiness loved her. Now, knocked down to mere mortal status, Stassi is alone and friendless with only Kristen Doute (and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Klone No 1. Kristina), to consume Pinot and laments with her. Luckily our trusty friend Lala will remedy allll that!

Over on the homefront – SUR – Jax Taylor is back at work after his shoplifting suspension but no one is glad to see him. Lisa Vanderpump isn’t finished with her tough love just yet! To really remind Jax of what a bad boy he’s been, she orders him to do *gasp* COMMUNITY SERVICE. She’s like a an uber-glamourous court circuit judge with a vendetta! Lisa remands Jax to gather all his unworn clothes to donate to charity. Plus, he has to force the Toms to do this with him.

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Kim Fields reacts to rumors

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta the drama in Jamaica was stirred up into a tidal wave. And floating out in the center of it, with the lightning crashing down all around her, laughing in the face of a sea storm set to destroy Cynthia Bailey‘s ‘mercial, was Kenya Moore. Or should I call her, Kenyursula The Sea Witch!

The group is headed somewhere in Jamaica to meet Peter’s long-estranged family, but after learning Cynthia doesn’t consider her a BFF, Kenya skips the outing. Instead she goes to the spa with Matt. While relaxing in a bubble bath Kenya rambles on and on about how Cynthia never appreciated her love and support. Matt is like uhhhhh… I thought this was supposed to be sexytimes not aquatherapy? 

Cynthia is also upset because some “super awesome person” went to Kenya to reveal the classified information about Kenya not being Cynthia’s BFF. How old are we again? BFF-bickering? It’s like giving each other those broken heart friendship necklaces in grade school. 

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