Recaps

Real Housewives Of Atlanta Reunion Part 1 Recap: Dried Bones

The first part of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta was pretty tame by comparison to what we’ve come to expect. I mean the only things that happened were a pregnancy announcement, blackmail revelation, and your mama jokes. Low-key, right?!

The most important thing about any reunion are obviously the outfits. Apparently if you are a Real Housewives Of Atlanta star the reunion is your equivalent of the Academy Awards. But all the stylists are busy and the only gowns left are the ones no one wants to wear.

What we really must discuss is Porsha Williams‘s crown. Umm… She’s elevated from Princess of THOTlandia (where one’s crowing achievement is twerking in hot pants) to Queen of Delusion. Although she claims to be the Goddess of Good Thoughts or something – good thoughts except when she’s calling Kandi Burruss “Victim Victoria,” Goddess Of Never Letting Go.

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Crazed and Confused

If the Real Housewives of Potomac were comic book villains, then Karen Huger would be The Riddler. Last night she had all the women staring wide-eyed and giving a collective “Huh?” Her story had more holes than a box of Cheerios, but it was sure entertaining to watch. I hope you all are having as much fun as I am this season. These women are on point, so let’s get into the episode.

Karen shows up at Monique Samuels’ house in a $100k+ Jaguar that is sexy pretty. She is wearing a skintight cat suit that makes me think of the pit crew from a NASCAR event, but I have to say she looks really good. Inside, Monique shows Karen her shark tank and points to the boss shark at the bottom that is named “Grand Dame” which Karen loves. However, as much as they have in common, the shark is kind of wimpy because while it will eat anything that gets between her and her food, Karen will gut anyone who gets in her way and then follow them into eternity and do it all over again, just for fun. That’s dedication, my friends! (and also why so far I’m being very nice to Karen…)

Southern Charm Recap:

It. Is. Here. I feel like it’s been an eternity since Southern Charm graced us with its presence. Having moved away from Charleston in January, I’m sure it will make me a tad homesick to watch, but that’s okay because the salacious drama and ridiculous debauchery will make it all better. Hell, I didn’t even get sad when I saw that Jax Taylor, Kristen Doute, and Brittany Cartwright were partying LAST NIGHT with Shepard “Shep” Rose and Chelsea Meissner at a bar two blocks from my old stomping ground. It’s a magical place for sure…and this show can’t taint it even with all of its absurdity. Plus, did we mention no Landon??

So it begins like every other season…with a bang up fight that we won’t see fully until the end. This time our sneak peek into the future surrounds a Christmas party at the Hibernian that went south (literally) really quickly as Kathryn Dennis cusses out Thomas Ravenel’s flavor of the month who in turn calls Kathryn an egg donor. Ouch. But three months earlier, everything is a bit sunnier in my favorite place. Cameran Eubanks is close to giving birth with her first child, a little girl. It’s been an uncomplicated pregnancy up until the last several weeks, but Shep knows how to entice his friend out of bed with some Chick-fil-A. Works every time. What doesn’t work? Shep’s relationship that culminated on his spin-off Relationshep. His twenty-three-year-old paramour went to bed at eleven. That’s way too early for Shep. His whirlwind romance lasted all of five days in New York City. Alas, Shep is ready to move on and celebrate his thirty-eighth birthday. Priorities.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap:

Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind” has basically been my anthem while anxiously awaiting Real Housewives of New York. Well guess, what? They’re back with all the camel toe, cultural appropriation, and drunken drama we’ve come to expect from these Upper East Siders. Throw in Luann de Lesseps’ recent shenanigans, and it’s a cocktail Carrie Bradshaw herself would endorse.

Ramona Singer is drinking coffee from a mug that reads, “Keep Calm…Take a Xanax.” If there was ever a more appropriate opening scene for any season premiere of a housewives franchise, this is it. The women are readying for a day in the Big Apple, with Carole Radziwill running through Manhattan and Tinsley Mortimer failing to potty train her mini-dog.  Dorinda Medley is razor focused on planning a massive Halloween party. The theme is “Famous People: Dead or Alive” and Dorinda is channeling her inner Gaga. Unfortunately for Dorinda, she didn’t read the fine print on her Amazon order, and instead of the infamous Lady Gaga bubble dress, she received a box full of clear plastic orbs. She should store them for a future crafting sesh. Decorated with holly and scary Santas, they’d make the perfect addition to her Berkshires Yuletide menagerie. Of course, if you’re a RHONY, you’ve got a costume designer who works at SNL on speed dial who is willing to help out for a name drop. Done and done.

Survivor: Ghost Island Episode 7 Recap: Easy Pickins’

Being a dick isn’t always a bad thing when it comes to Survivor. Sure, it pretty much prevents you from ever being able to actually win the game, but if you can make it past the first few Tribal Councils, being a dick actually becomes a virtue. Who doesn’t want to take an unlikable person to the end with them? The further a person like that goes into the game, the more likely they will find themselves sitting there at the end. Sitting there with no chance of winning albeit, but making it there nonetheless.

Tonight the big question was: Do we want to bring a dick with us into the merge or would we rather be like Lorena Bobbitt and cut it off before he is able to do further damage? We got the answer to that question tonight, in addition to lots of other big developments that will help set the stage for the coming merge next week.

But before we dive in, as I do at the beginning of every Recap, please heed the following: Remember that this recap assumes that you have already seen this week’s Episode 7 of Survivor: Ghost Island, so if you have not and don’t want to be spoiled, please come back later! It’s important to add too that while we WILL hit on all of the important developments of the episode, this is not a linear “blow-by-blow” recap, and is more of a discussion and reaction of what we just witnessed together.

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE, AND THIS IS YOUR LAST *SPOILER* WARNING!

Kyle, Dorit and Lisa Vanderpump

Oh, Berlin with the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. It actually wasn’t a bad trip if you ignore the weird, fantastical, messy veal tartare of an argument Dorit Kemsley tried to throw at Kyle Richards. Why can’t these women just ever have fun eating food… it’s like if they start a fight they won’t have time to consume the calories?

Yet for the most part everyone had fun and got along. Prost to that! (Cheers in German. Thanks Google)

First the women either went shopping or spent 4+ hours ordering lattes in German. Kyle, Lisa Rinna and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave are afraid they’ll be forced into consuming whole milk and sugar by language barriers. Like the Germans are some primitive people never exposed to modern things like – gasp – ALMOND MILK. Or fat-free milk! I think the menus were actually written in cave drawings and ‘hoople hop ooper mandopippitidy peep pop poopio’ or whatever ever it is Lipsa ordered was actually dehydrated wild buffalo penis. You never know with these newly discovered civilizations! I mean … pretzels?

Teen Mom Young & Pregnant Recap:

We get our first baby of the season and here’s hoping that all the daddies can be as attentive and nurturing as Sean’s first night home with Jade Cline and baby Kloie! If not, we have to hope that hard hitting relative like Aunt Vania will come in and set them straight! Let’s dive in to the latest episode of Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant!

Kristen Doute

Did I miss something on last night’s Vanderpump Rules? Did James Kennedy admit to hooking up “just a little” with Kristen Doute? Even more curious – did the cameras actually miss James and Kristen drunkenly hooking up?!

What I think I observed was a drunken game of telephone. Or whatever it’s called in the iPhone era. Probably something to do with Snapchatting and then sharing Snaps that were deleted and how you thought you were sexting your boyfriend SUPER ROB when in fact you were sending a disgraced Nigerian prince $300 to get his crown out of hock and on a plane to LA to bar tend into his future at SUR. I mean this could finally be the man for Scheana Marie!

Anyway! Using delightful time lapse, the episode opens hours early with Stassi Schroeder sitting on a beach with Katie Maloney and Kristen. The sand is soft and fuzzy – just like their drink-addled memories from every day the night before.