Last night Lisa Vanderpump hosted World Dog Day and declared it a mandatory requirement for all Vanderpump Rules stars to own a dog. James Kennedy is exempt, however,because obviously Lisa cares about the welfare of her furry friends!
OK, just kidding – they didn’t have to own a dog, but it might as well have been a decree. Some of them <ahem… Stassi Schroeder…> were so eager to suck-up to Lisa via dog-loving they adopted two poor doggies, and dressed them up in bonnets fit for English Tea.
Before we dealt with dogs, however, we had to deal with pussy cats. And also bitches. All in a days work at SUR, right!? The bitch is Jax Taylor who has been spreading news of Kristen Doute petting Brittany Cartwright‘s kitty-cat all over SUR.
Anybody… well damn, too bad! Shannon and David did a vow renewal, and none of us understand how emotional, loving, caring, amazing David was ’cause the cameras didn’t show it. Only Vicki Gunvalson understands! See, she and Donn did this lil’ thing called a vow renewal, but 15 minutes later, they were divorced and Brooks Ayers had infiltrated the Coto. Empty Love Tank will drive you into the arms of the wrong love.
As someone who has written about the exploits and shenanigans of Real Housewives for many moons, Real Housewives Of New Jersey is the only show which leaves me emotionally exhausted.
On one level, it’s a nod to their ability to remain raw in front of the cameras, years after years of doom and gloom fighting. However, on the other side, their lack of self-awareness means season after season after season someone – Teresa Giudice, usually – is gonna be accused of a maelstrom of denial that the other ladies have no idea they are also wallowing in. So sometimes you need 5 Xanax – maybe 10! – to get through it.
Last night the ladies were throwing out the dirty buttermilk on each other. So, turn your prayer cloth into a strainer and start diluting that crud with holy water before you serve it up with biscuits! (That made no sense, but it sounds Phaedra Parks-ian).
Things begin at Moore Manor where Kenya is hosting a housewarming party. I know, I know… whoever heard of a housewarming party for an unfinished house? But even worse – whoever heard of a housewarming party for the ghosts of one’s past in the form of unwelcome guests. Unless of course you’re related to the Addams’s Family or Ebenezer Scrooge.
We sure are learning a lot about life and love on 90 Day Fiance. The fiances themselves, however – not so much! Doomed to march straight into the hellfire of their mangled relationships, each couple seems like a contestant on some twisted masochistic game show rather than a real live person who signed up for this mess on purpose. Surprisingly, this week saw some of the American fiances having a long-awaited light bulb moment (however dim). Those moments were short lived – however, last night’s super sized two-hour trainwreck was not!
First, when Jorgeis kicked out of his apartment yet again by Anfisa(of the Kylo Ren mind control techniques), he finally ponders sending her home to Russia for good. Then, Narkyiasomehow finds her voice – and her ice cream cone as a weapon! – when she hears some shady business involving Lowo, the known catfisher. Color me shocked. Finally, Nicoletries to paint a lousy picture of Azanto her family, which ultimately backfires on her when they all basically tell her she’s nutso for considering marriage to him. So, progress? Nah, not really.
Last night’s Don’t Be Tardy incorporated so many of our favorite reality shows into a single episode: Top Chef inspired dishes, a RuPaul’s Drag Race inspired game of bingo, and the language heard on any given installment of Mob Wives. It was pretty amazing.
We begin with Access Hollywood’s Anthony, who introduces Brielle Biermann to Liz Hernandez, and she is beyond impressed by the fact Liz interviewed Oprah–the world’s most famous interviewer becomes interviewee! As Liz inquires about Brielle’s education, Brielle dodges questions about college. Liz tells Kim’s mini-me that she got her start at a college internship. Not shockingly, this revelation doesn’t send Brielle into an application frenzy.
Below Deck served up a sweet and silly episode this week – just when we needed it most! But I still can’t decide whether Kyle Dixon is sweet…or shifty? He’s got this sensitive vulnerability one moment, petulant whining and tantrum throwing the next. Some master manipulation afoot, perhaps? One thing is certain: Production set this week’s charter up for Kyle, and Kyle alone, so someone out there in Bravo-land has much love for Valor’s newest deckhand!
As for the deck crew overall, this is perhaps their best week yet under the watchful eye of Captain Lee Rosbach. Except that Nico Scholly and Lauren Burchnell get mixed up in trashing a room at the end of a drunken night, which will send them all back to the time out chair next week. Bad Nico! Bad Lauren! No more fireball for you!
Given the dramatic week we’re all trudging through right now, why not add a little more drama to our lives, courtesy of Lifetime’s feistiest franchise? On last night’s part one of the Little Women: LAreunion, the ladies sit down to rehash their season five beefs with each other, much to the exhaustion of everyone within earshot!
But when Plastic Martyr joins the group to tell “her side of the story,” Briana Renee and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] decide to escape via a secret hatch. Otherwise known as the backstage staircase. Brokedown Bonnie and Clyde are on the run, yo! At least our fearless hero, Kevin Frazier, is back as moderator to keep the craziness in check. #KevinFrazier2020! (Although, question: Why didn’t he bring handcuffs to shackle Matt to the couch for this reunion spot? He knows this dude is an escape artist!)