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So, last night was the first segment of the so-called “epic” Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. I have to admit, reunions are so hard to recap, because really I can barely decipher what the women are talking about and I usually have to watch on closed captioning; A) because there’s too much screaming and B) because I can never grasp the she said-from-she said through the screaming – particularly where NeNe Leakes is involved. That being said, NeNe’s slamming of Sheree Whitfield was epic indeed! The theme of last night’s show-down was apparently “finances,” specifically who has them and who doesn’t. And does Sheree really have several storage units full of furniture or did she steal that storyline from Kim?

Before we start recapping anything, let’s discuss my personal most shocking moment of last night’s spectacle. Sheree Whitfield of She by Shebroke announced that She by Sheree—her failed clothing experiment, that consisted of a fashion show with no clothes and the owing of $30,000 to Dwight Eubanks for photocopies—is staging a revival. As in, She by Sheree is not dead, but merely on hiatus and we can expect more where that came from. Is she serious? She by Sheree?! As in, worse clothes than Alexis Couture! As in, NO ONE ON THIS EARTH is buying them. Ok, now that I got that off my chest, let’s commence with this recap, shall we…

Last night opened with a fight to end all fights: do former strippers have the right to be disgusted by dildos? Are all former strippers supposed to be ok with the usage and discussion of dildos, ding-a-lings, and vajayjays? Are these women really and truly adults or is this a ruse Andy Cohen is attempting to fool us with before bringing out the real adult women?

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After just six weeks on the air, we bid farewell to the Shahs of Sunset! Last night’s episode had its fair share of personal growth, bad blind dates, and varied levels of douchiness.  (We’re looking at you, Sammy Younai)

Mike Shouhed and Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi head out together for a morning workout.  GG is apparently new to this exercise thing and leaves all of her jewelry on while attempting an intense workout.  When she’s finished, GG looks a little sweaty in her (nearly falling off every three seconds) jogging pants, yet her eye makeup is perfectly in tact.

Mike lets GG know that the two of them will never get together, despite the fact that he thinks she’d be a great catch for someone (once she gets her anger issues in check).  She’s determined to learn how to chill out and let things slide.  GG reveals that she hasn’t been on a date in five years.

Reza Farahan and Mercedes “MJ” Javid spend some time talking about their recent trip to NYC to see Reza’s dad.  Reza says the situation with his dad has helped him to grow and he isn’t taking crap from anyone.  Reza decides that since he’s found peace with his father, MJ should confront her mom, Vida.  Reza shares that MJ’s mom has treated her terribly the entire time that he’s known her and even goes so far as to say that he doesn’t think Vida loves MJ.  MJ doesn’t take that last bit very well and is irritated with Reza’s opinion.  I was feeling Reza’s friendship for MJ until he started ripping on Vida for constantly being critical of MJ’s weight and more.  Just two episodes ago MJ told us that Reza has given her hell about her weight for YEARS.  Pot meet kettle.

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On last night’s Celebrity Apprentice, both teams had to run improvisational puppet shows. Product placement department was really asleep at the wheel this week, since there was no corporate sponsor constantly being complemented. Ivanka Trump could barely bring herself to say “the executives” in the boardroom.

Since all shows on television now air on Sunday night, I’ll remind you that Lou Ferrigno was fired last week for only giving half of his usual “110%.” Lisa and Dayana shuffle back into the boardroom, Clay Aiken makes a snarky comment, which Lisa immediately overreacted to. Lisa, the woman who makes her living making fun of others, can dish it but certainly can not take it.

On this week’s task, Lisa Lampanelli elects herself as project manager in an attempt to finally win something, and Clay is shuffled over to Forte. Nice work, producers! Paul Teutul decides to manage this task, which is kinda weird. Aubrey O’Day would have been a shoe-in. Her hair alone is practically its own puppet!

Someone must have had a talk with Aubrey about her dominating ways because she decides to take a step back and let Paul run the show. And, since this is a different universe, Arsenio Hall & Aubrey are cool with each other! See what happens after you call your teammate a “See you next Tuesday!” You become friends afterwards. Paul had an injury the day before they start preparing for the act, so he is basically useless. Both teams get a lot of training on this task, in both, actual improv and puppeteering. Teresa Giudice loves that the improv guys encourage not knowing what you’re talking about. Do I really have to write a joke here? You know what to do, commenters! Take this and run with it. You’ve been given a gift.

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On last night’s episode of Mob Wives, the shiz hit the fan as Renee Graziano continued to deal with the fall-out from Junior Pagan. Renee worried that karma would find her and all of Staten Island would turn on her, just like she turned on Karen Gravano! Luckily for Renee, her friends stood by her and she even had an epiphany. Which, was over-shadowed by some drama concerning her best frienemy Carla Facciolo.

Things begin with an all too real and extremely distraught Renee learning that Junior‘s rat behavior has become front page news. As in everyone is talking about it and everyone knows she’s in love with a rat. Renee is in a tailspin worrying about what everyone is going to think and how she will be treated by her circle. It seems Junior’s cheating ways cannot be quelled and, unfortunately, he’s cheating with the feds this time! And the feds do not a good mistress make.

Someone who knows all too well about having a rat in the family, is Karen. Karen calls her mom to discuss what Renee is going through. Karen’s mother is empathetic to Renee’s plight and especially for how AJ will suffer from his father’s actions. Karen describes her mom as the family rock who held everything together and still does.

Learning of Junior‘s actions has forced Drita D’avanzo to reconsider the state of her relationship with Renee and she decides to pay her a visit. Drita is afraid—who wouldn’t be—but decides to put her fear in her purse. Renee answers the door, unarmed and alone, and not even wearing make-up. She’s a mess. Drita is sympathetic and offers Renee a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Renee and Drita discuss Junior‘s betrayal, and Renee reveals that he was in cohorts with the feds before moving back in with her and before restarting their relationship. The realization that Junior not only ratted out her father, but used her to garner more information about her family is devastating. Drita is overcome with emotion and tears up. Renee, oh poor Renee. A broken Renee just wants to know the truth about Junior’s intentions for getting a back together.

Paralleling the effects of rattism years later, Karen is recording her book for audio release. As she struggles through Chapter 11, the memories are still painful for her. Everyone wants to know who and what is in Karen’s book and regardless of whether he likes it or not, one Lee D’avanzo has a prominent role in the story. Despite Lee’s insistence that he and Karen were scarcely a thing, Karen is holding firm to the notion that he was not only a huge part of her life, but that he betrayed both she and her father. Drita, of course, will also have a place as the least loyal friend who ever lived and the one person Karen cannot forgive. Karen doesn’t care who’s mad – sometimes the truth isn’t what people want to hear. Amen sister!

Drita announces she is training for a boxing match. Drita grew up boxing. Boxing is second nature to her; like putting lipstick, loving a man named Lee, and slurping wine with Carla. Drita’s prized possession is her mean right hook. And she believes training to box will help her channel some of her aggression. Sadly, during a sparring match she kinda loses it and ends up reverting to her kick boxing survival ways and kicks her trainer. Uhhh… this isn’t Mortal Kombat!

Big Ang Raiola pays a visit to Renee, who is quarantined at home and has taken up permanent residence on her sofa with a box of tissues and the newspaper bearing Junior‘s betrayal. Big And is wise and soulful, counseling Renee to go on for AJ‘s sake and reminding her that she mustn’t let this destroy her. Renee reveals that the worst part of all of this is being called a rat herself; which is both shocking and horrible. This has helped Renee put Karen‘s situation into perspective and she doesn’t want AJ to be treated the way Karen was when she returned home to Staten Island. At least Renee’s priorities are in whack!

The next day Karen stops by. When she arrives, Renee is up and moving around and she has lipgloss on! Victory in small things! Renee is also packing up Junior‘s belongings. Renee admits this has been the wake-up call, really the tidal wave of wake-up calls and reality has now come crashing down. She recognizes just how unsavory being a mafia princess really is and for the first time she is truly willing and ready to abandon the lifestyle which has become her identity and her sense of self.

Renee has been forced to reassess her entire life. Unfortunately, she also realized there is no more one big happy family when it comes to Junior. She has not only lost the love of her life, and her father, but also her identity.

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Last night’s Survivor was just another cut-throat edition of boys against the girls, with the girls winning…as we always do. :)

At the merged Tikiano, Model Jay seems to be down with the ladies while Tarzan shares with Troyzan his fears about the gender breakdown.  Troyzan knows he has an immunity idol, yet he reminds Tarzan that it’s still to be retrieved.  The group goes to find tree-mail, but instead is met with a chalk board, some pegs and logs, and a letter which is not to be opened until everyone is together.  The tribe must divide themselves into two teams and finish the intricate challenge.  The winners will be rewarded with a boat ride and a barbeque festival…where do I sign up?

The group decides that the fairest course is to randomly draw names.  The first team is Troy, Jay, Alicia, Kat, and Tarzan.  The second team is Lief and the remaining ladies.  Troyzan elects himself to be host of the game.  Oh gracious…this is ladder ball, or ladder golf, or horse balls…regardless I have played this game multiple times on Sullivans’ Island.  I am about as good at it as the castaways, which reads to be HORRIBLE.  Somehow the “red” team wins, even though both groups had poor showings.  Regardless, the red team is treated to an amazing feast.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra Barney got her titties (not to be confused with tits) reduced, Vicki Gunvalson ran like the devil from a white trash harlot itching for a fight. Gretchen Rossi‘s singing caused me to pause the television so I could belly laugh for approximately five minutes. And Heather Dubrow hosted a bowling party … which got quite dramatic.

Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.

Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.

Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).

Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?

One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.

Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.

Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.

Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.

Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!

Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?

Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.

Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.

And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.

At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.

Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.

Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.

He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.

Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.

Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!

Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.

And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.

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After the second episode of Dance Moms: Miami, I must stick to my brazen statement that I like this one more than the original.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Abby Lee and the crew, but that was just a crazy dance instructor and some pseudo-normal moms (for the most part…for the most part).  I LOVE Victor and Angel.  I love that they are passionate about what they do, but they are not hateful and crazy—unless they are dealing with these basketcase mothers.  They blatantly call the women insane, and it is fabulous.

Last night we started with my man Lucas at the top of the list, mainly for not dropping Kimmy during the pair’s duet.  Kimmy’s mom is thrilled see her place second, although Kimmy thinks a tie would have been more appropriate.  Sammy isn’t keen on being third, and Susan is in tears that Jessi’s name must be in the bottom two.  Jessi placed second in her solo for Pete’s sake!  Hannah takes the fourth spot, even though Angel and Victor cite her improvement.  Jessi fell from the number one spot last week to last on the list.

Victor blames Jessi’s poor sportsmanship for the drastic turn of events.  She is in tears but has nothing to say for herself.  Susan is livid.  The only reason Jessi snatched the trophy out of Hannah’s hands was because Hannah wouldn’t give it to her when she asked for it.  Because that makes it all right?  The girl is fourteen-years-old having a spat with a ten-year-old?  Susan tells Debi that both of their daughters are to blame, and Debi won’t hear any of it.  The women are screaming at each other, and Angel tries to remind them that they are behaving this way in front of their children.  He refers to them as psychotic b*tches, and he is definitely on to something.  Susan takes  Jessi outside, stating that her past behavior has been an embarrassment.  Hmm…I wonder if Jessi isn’t thinking the exact same thing!  Susan instructs her to go back into the studio and apologize to Victor, Hannah, and her other fellow dancers.

The competition this week is in Long Beach, California.  The group dance is revisiting jazz-funk, and Lucas scores a solo.  Sammy and Hannah are also going to be dancing solo numbers.  Debi is so excited that Hannah will be competing against her other arch nemesis, Sammy.  The group dance centers around “party boy” Lucas, new in the city.  Jessi returns  and Angel makes her apologize to the group.  Victor comforts her because hey, she didn’t choose her cuckoo mother.  Angel thinks Victor is reinforcing bad behavior.  Susan tries to apologize to Angel, and he rakes her over the coals.  It was pretty awesome.  He makes no secret of thinking she’s five-star crazy.

After a mediocre group dance practice, Angel promises to pull out of the competition if they don’t show vast improvement.  Hannah is doing a contemporary solo.  I know nothing about dance, so while she is probably amazing, the choreography reminds me of something Chuck Norris would do.  Sammy will be dancing a jazz solo, and little Lolita is sporting some bright red lipstick.  Angel dislikes Victor’s choreography and their arguing is placing more stress on Sammy.  Lucas’ solo is entitled “I Believe in Something” and it’s lyrical.  Basically it is just a lot of sad dancing by my little Biebs.  The mothers just look on from their sofas providing meaningless commentary.  Victor declares Lucas to be “amazing.”

The jazz-funk group dance is one hot mess.  Susan thinks Victor has PMS.  Ani has no problem with Victor yelling at Kimmy.  After all, football coaches yell at their players.  This is no different.  Angel has had enough of the group being off-beat, and he dismisses them…basically stating that he can’t stand the sight of them.  Victor is peeved, as clearly they need this time to practice.  Angel wins, per the usual.

Debi’s older daughter is home from college, and Debi reveals that Abby has joined the studio.  The scandal!  Basically Hannah’s mother and sister are talking about how she wasn’t nearly as good a dancer at her old studio while talking smack about another tween.  I could maybe understand tween dissing tween, but this woman is just as ridiculous as Susan.  These ladies are clearly living vicariously through their poor daughters!

Angel tries to a team building exercise the following day where the kids basically tell each other how each feels about their fellow classmates.  The mothers look curiously from their perch on the sofas…they have never seen anything like this before.  Angel then instructs Jessi to tell her mother what Susan needs to improve upon as far as behavior.  Oh snap!

The mothers watch Hannah rehearse, and both Debi and Abby’s horns are showing.  These two dislike the others’ daughters more than the girls dislike each other…which, for the record, they seem to be fine but slightly competitive.  Sammy’s practice time is cut short due to drama between Victor and Angel.  Angel has stepped in to tweak Victor’s choreography.  It’s a good thing that Kimmy’s mom can read lips through the glass partition so that the women can follow the disagreement.

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Lindsey Harrison is a teenager from Reno, Nevada.  She lives with her mother and younger sister in a space so small, she and her sister share a bed.  She also has two older sisters who no longer live at home, but all of the girls are super close.  Lindsey has been with her boyfriend Forest Ponce for three years…oh, and she aspires to be a detective and a cage fighter.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Hmm…what else can I say about Lindsey?  Oh yes, she’s 16 and Pregnant of course!  Lindsey also sports a giant tattoo across her belly…

Lindsey reveals to her friends that the couple often used condoms, but once time they forgot and she didn’t get pregnant.  Because of this, they felt they could be more lax with contraceptives.  Both Lindsey’s mother and boyfriend had hoped she would get an abortion.  Forest even broke up with Lindsey for a few months when she decided to keep the baby.  Now, however, he seems excited about having a daughter who they are planning to name Aniyah.  Keeping it in the franchise, I must note that Forest looks like the love child of Chelsea Houska’s Adam Lind and Jenelle’s mistake Kieffer Delp.  Attractive, no?  Lindsey is glad that Forrest is being more supportive, but she really wishes he would take the initiative to get a job.

Lindsey is hanging out with her older sister Dallas.  She tells her sister that she now must put aside her dreams of going pro with cage fighting at age eighteen.  Lindsey hasn’t even told her trainer that she is pregnant since he is such a father figure to her.  In an effort to spark her enthusiasm, Lindsey’s mother encourages her to go to a cage match.  Lindsey is concerned that she’ll see someone she used to train with who will reveal her secret to her trainer.  She and her mother are bickering a lot, so she finds herself spending a lot of time at Forest’s house.  Lindsey hopes he’ll want her to move in with him.  They both think that makes the most sense for their growing family.

Lindsey goes shopping for baby gear and is a bit defeated to find out how much the necessities will cost.  She lunches with Forest, and basically they can afford the crib.  As she’s the only one with a job, he is going to need to step up to the plate.  He promises to start looking.  Lindsey discusses potentially moving in with Forest with her other older sister Lacey.  She thinks that if they live separately, both homes must be equipped for their daughter, essentially doubling the cost.  Lacey seems skeptical about Forest helping as much as Lindsey expects.

After a week, Forest has yet to start his job search while Lindsey is seven months pregnant and taking on extra shifts at McDonald’s.  Over dinner with Forest and his mom and sister, his mother broaches the subject of Lindsey moving in with the family.  His mom Dora doesn’t want her son working and trying to go to school and complete his homework.  Apparently, it’s okay that Lindsey does though.  The couple argues after dinner, and it ends with Forest hanging up on Lindsey.

Later that night, Lindsey starts to have contractions…very scary considering she is still two months from her due date.  Of course, Forest refuses to answer his phone.  She’s admitted to the hospital.  They schedule a shot to clear out the baby’s lungs in the event Lindsey goes into pre-term labor.  As early as it is, there is a risk the baby’s lungs haven’t fully developed.  The following day, Lindsey’s contractions have subsided, and she is frustrated that she still has yet to hear from Forest.  She is released from the hospital and ordered to adhere to strict bed rest.  Her sister Dallas comes to retrieve her from the hospital and is disgusted to hear how Forest is acting.  She thinks Lindsey deserves much better than Forest.  I tend to agree.

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