Well last night was another riveting episode of Teresa Giudice's Countdown To Indictment. That's how I've decided to refer to Real Housewives of New Jersey from now on. In light of all the real-real life drama no one cares about this totally and utterly ridiculously shallow family feud which all stemmed from some people's obsessive desire to be famous. "Famous", s'cuse me; quotes are totally necessary.
So anyway, indictment watch! Woo! Other than that Melissa Gorga is on the scene and she and new jazzy hair-do are showing up Teresa and her um… well, I dunno what you want to call the side-mullet, Star Trek voyager helmet she has plastered onto her head to visit Melissa with what totally looked like STORE BOUGHT cupcakes. I bet they were Shop-Rite and underneath the cupcake wrapper Teresa left a little note that read "payback, bitch!"
Anyway, Teresa is visiting Melissa so they can sit down and offer each other fake support for their various ventures. Teresa's business is Milania Hair Care and Melissa all like 'Ooooohhh… wow. So special. Let's talk your hair. You need a hairspray intervention. It looks like a cheap Ken Doll's shellacked plastic. Wait – is that the point of Milania Hair Care that Milania is actually doing the hair?'
Last night was the season premiere of Duck Dynasty, and I must say, I have missed those Robertson boys and their families! While I'm all about a DD marathon, I love new Si one-liners peppered among Willie'santics and Jase and Phil'sdry humor. The episode didn't disappoint as the crew created a surprise wedding with nary a camo tablecloth. I'm shocked! Let's begin, shall we? CHAW!
Jep and Willie are playing Battleship as their wives watch with eyes rolling. Jessica and Korie share a scripted exchange about Phil and Kay's upcoming anniversary. As Willie jokes that the girls will never be able to convince his parents to have a party, Korie suggests planning a surprise vow renewal, and she credits Willie for the brilliant idea. She admits that the best way to get a Robertson man to do what you want is to make them think they came up with the plan in the first place…well, that and sexy time. A second wedding, it is!
Jase, Si, Godwin, and the boy are hanging out in the warehouse, and Missy is blowing up Jase's phone with ideas for the surprise wedding. The men wonder why they need a second walk down the aisle, and we learn that Phil and Kay never had a proper wedding the first time around. Godwin is excited about the idea as long as there is chicken dancing involved. Willie joins the crew in an effort to escape Korie's party to-do list, and Si can do nothing but Indiana Jones his nephew for being so whipped as Godwin yells CHAW in what has to be the worst whip sound ever. Willie denies being a pushover as he hands his credit card to Korie…
I'm not going to lie, I didn't miss Abby Lee Miller one bit on last night's Dance Moms. Of course, I could have done without Leslie as well. I guess you really can't have it all!
Abby is missing in action, but thankfully her best choreographers are prepared to teach the girls the group number. With Abby not around to delegate solos, the mothers are up at arms about who is most deserving. First up, Jill and 2.0 are cussing and giving each other the hand and dropping f-bombs all over the viewing room. Keep it classy, moms!
In the studio, Abby's employees are working on a newly minted group routine…while hoping they won't get fired. Christi takes the opportunity to call Kelly and tell her that now it the perfect time for Kelly to bring her girls to dance. In her mind, if Brooke and Paige are still on the pyramid, they are still on the team. Leslie is livid that Kelly's involvement could jeopardize Payton's spot on the team. Kelly arrives and instructor Gianna allows Brooke and Paige to join the group. She's too stressed to deal with extra mama drama.
Adriana de Moura is just so sick of vintage. I mean vintage boats, vintage cars, vintage marriage licenses, vintage friendships with Lea Black. All that old crap is just boring her and she's tired of it. It so doesn't count if it's old and decrepit right?! Too bad Frederic doesn't agree. So that's the season premiere of Real Housewives of Miami; Adriana and Lea aren't friends anymore, everyone is wondering why the hell Adriana is getting married if she's already married, and no one is telling the truth.
Let's dive in! Nautical reference intended. Things kick off withJoanna Krupa pretending she's classy and all that by hopping off a private jet into Lea's awaiting town car. Apparently they became best friends in the off-season. I'm gonna venture to guess Roy (Lea's hubs) predicted Joanna was gonna lose it one of these times and need a good defense attorney. We also know Lea loves the crazy. So anyway, they're friends and Lea and Adriana are NOT!
Lea is hurt that Adriana has been lying about her marital status for years and not only that when Lea was getting her very elderly and hard working a$$ unduly handed to her by Ana Quincoces at last season's reunion, Adriana sat there and said nothing in her defense. Lea cries and Joanna pats her knee affectionately cause she hates Adriana too!
Alright let's dive into this whole Real Housewives of Orange County reunion thing! We've got Memory Lapse Monday happening here because Tamra Barney is confusing this season's storyline with one from two years ago. Did her shock therapy malfunction? Yeppers, Gretchen Rossi is back in the hotseat for cheating on her deceased fiancé Jeff with another man. Nevermind that NO ONE CARES CAUSE WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS FOR FOUR YEARS, we're rehashing it aaaagain.
So with that out of the way let's talk outfits. Gretchen is clearly bringing her little portable Barbie closet she had from childhood to the designer for Alexis Couture and asking for direct reproductions. All of her little girl dreams of sparkles, flounces, and seafoam fantasies are being brought to life. Seriously Gretchen is reliving my youth with that aquamarine number. I especially loved how she matched the side-weave to the one-sleeve.
Heather Dubrow's hair needs a deep conditioner and a good cut. Even though I'm sure Princess Champs On Ice probably pays $300 for a haircut, it looks like Gretchen played Barbies with Heather's head. Since Heather is the brown-hair Barbie friend Gretchen practiced "beauty school" with her locks. Result: fail.
It's so haa-arrr-arrd to say good-bye to Stevie Jaaaaaaayyyyeeeeeee! Last night's final installment of the Love & Hip Hop Atlanta reunion was bittersweet. On one hand, it's been an emotional roller coaster of a season, and this girl is drained, but on the other, speaking like Lil' Scrappy in the off-season tends to draw some strange looks in my place of biz-nigh-ee.
We'll jump right back into where Mona Scott Young left us…with Rasheeda and Kirk Frost's dysfunctional marriage. The audience is stunned to re-watch Kirk suggest his wife get an abortion, and he says–with a straight face, no less!–that pulling out was a legitimate form of birth control. What, is he sixteen? Mona scolds Kirk when he laughs over the footage of his affair, and he again relays to Mona that he believes Rasheeda gave him a free pass. Mimi Faust is all "oh no he didn't" from the sofas, and Drew knows better than do anything but nod in agreement to Mimi's outcry since he's sitting between her and Traci Reece.
What do you call Kody Brown making eighteen thousand walk-throughs of his new cul-de-sac compound? Why last night's episode of Sister Wives of course! Janelle, Christine, and Robyn are all set to move in, but poor Meri just can't seem to catch a break with the loan underwriters. Shucks!
It's another walk through, and the homes are finally landscaped. Christine gushes about her new kitchen, and Robyn teases that it sounds like Christine is describing the love of her life when waxing poetic about her appliances. Sounds about right. I'd prefer granite countertops to a flaxen haired polygamist wearing head-to-toe denim. Christine is stressing about packing, and apparently she thinks her children will be motivated by copious amounts of baby talk.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about reinventing the old and making it new again. Make new frienemies, but keep the old… one is faux marble and the other is faux leopard!
Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita made up and by that I mean they vowed not to appear at anymore reunions wearing dresses where the sequins turned into poison darts and and scream cheating accusations at each other's husbands. So by making amends they decided to keep each other's secrets…
Oh and Jacqueline shed her old stripper skin in favor of some new skin that didn't have washed up tacky tattoos on it. When did getting plastic surgery become a requisite Housewives storyline?
Things begin with Teresa and Jacqueline continuing with their "tawk". Jacqueline is clearly flustered because she forgot her translucent powder and her blotting papers. Girl was shiny as a gold lame and her hair was all mussed. Maybe she and Teresa had some sort of knock-down, drag-out, rolling on the table brawl and the footage was accidentally damaged when some Fabellini got tossed on it and that's why we didn't see it? That would explain Jacq's shininess…