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Well, I have to recap the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion, don’t I? Cause at this point I don’t think there’s much left to say except #BlackBabyGate is still rearing its ugly head, Phaedra Parks really doesn’t know (or want to admit) what Apollo Nida‘s job is, She by SheBroke is a complete idiot. Oh! And Marlo Hampton called Kim Zolciak a whore! Yeah, that happened, indeed it did! Whew – what a moment. What. A. Moment.

Really, we could skip all the other parts and go straight to that, because it’s the only part that really truly matters. It went a little like this: Marlo walks out, rocking pin-straight hair and a dress with shoulders constructed from a bathmat (Project Runway challenge?). She sat down, said no one liked her once she became friends with NeNe Leakes, copped to her charges, denied having her bills paid by Mr. Ted Turner, confirmed she still had a lot of work to do learning etiquette, and then she came out with it. Kim, you’re a whore! Apparently this was in response to something Kim said on the show about Marlo being an escort (which is all but proven fact at this point) with a large ladyhole. All class, no trash!

Frankly, I couldn’t believe it. Marlo just came out and said it – ‘Oh, I think we’re cut from the same cloth… you know, cheap polyester, maybe nylon – oh, wait no… No, we’re not. I’m cut from 10-ply cashmere and you – you’re a whore. You’re just some cheap acrylic. Google my charges! Cause prison uniforms are totally made from luxurious fibers.’

Marlo had it all planned out – she was practically reading a script NeNe had written for her and handily printed up on Gucci stationary; except I really don’t think NeNe was involved in this – nor Bravo, for once – I think Marlo acted as the lone honey badger. Vicious, crazy, and totally entertaining in a sadistic way. That being said – she needs to leave the show. And really, really study that etiquette manual. Like, non-stop. And Kim should be her study partner.

So, Marlo prances out and somehow gets into a screaming fight with Kim about who’s a whore and who’s an escort. It turns out that now that Kim is married, she’s neither a whore nor an escort and that whole Big Poppa charade never happened. Seriously- anytime anyone brings it up she points to her ring and says she’s a married woman now. Ok, but like Marlo said, she used to be a home-wrecking harlot flaunting it on TV and loving every minute of it; waving that big ol’ rock around! So she was basically a whore, but really Marlo: Pot meet Kettle.

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We’re getting down there in numbers as far as this season’s American Idol is concerned.  Ryan Seacrest reveals that Wednesday’s show garnered 53 million votes, which is a record for the season.  The remaining seven perform a group number, and I have to say that these are not my favorite…although I do love Fox’s excessive use of balloons in the opening number.

After the necessary product placement for Ford, Ryan engages in witty banter with the final seven.  He asks Hollie about how last week’s save of Jessica has affected the relationships with the remaining singers.  She gives a politically correct answer before she and Joshua are called to the stage.  After Joshua’s two songs on Wednesday, JLo calls him “beautiful” while Randy Jackson touts him as one of the most gifted singers ever to grace the AI stage.  Steven Tyler believes Joshua climbed inside him…in a good way.

Hollie channeled Adele.  While the judges loved it, and I am no critic, I stand firm that it’s always a bad idea to try to recreate a song which is still popular…and sung by someone so revered in such a small amount of (American pop culture) time.   I loved her “Son of a Preacher Man” rendition, but I don’t think she can hold a candle to Adele, so she shouldn’t have even forced the comparison.  Jimmy is pulling for Joshua, while he thinks Hollie has improved.  Joshua is safe while Hollie finds herself the first in the bottom three.

Taylor Hicks crawls out of that bar I once saw him at in Birmingham to announce he’s got a Vegas tour in the works.  Sure you do…and I am a big fan of THicks.  He also introduces recent Idol winner Kris Allen who debuts a new mediocre song.  The next two up for results are Skylar and Elise.  Skylar rocked a country version of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” and I think Gaga herself would be proud.  Her rendition of “Heard It Through the Grapevine” was just as impressive.  Elise is from my home state, so I am glad that she garnered love from JLo and Steven Tyler...but I am not her biggest fan.  Loved Skylar, liked Elise in a “I hate people get voted off this show” sort of way.  Ryan informs Elise that she must join Hollie in the bottom three.

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After Model Jay was sent packing last week, the division between the men and the women was as evident as ever on last night’s SurvivorTroyzan knows he’s likely next on the chopping block.  He gets in a verbal altercation with Alicia after Christina didn’t keep her word to him.  From here on out, it’s Troyzan versus the world!

Troyzan is so peeved, and he likens the women to gold-digging divorcees.  He perks up considerably when he finds cash in the tree-mail.  The tribe learns that they will be able to use their money at an auction.  Each teammate has $500, and each bid must be in $20 increments.  Tribe members may not pool their money.  Jeff Probst recommends that if someone sees something they like, they should bid immediately as the auction could end at any time.

The first items up for bid are some frosted donuts and iced coffee.  For a mere $160, Chelsea wins it.  Kat starts the bidding for chips, guacamole, and a margarita at one hundred smackers.  She and Sabrina get into a bidding war, with Sabrina takes a long swig of that margarita for the low price of four hundred dollars.  A protein shake and some bananas are next…Lief wins after again bidding against Kat.  I think she just wants to buy something, regardless of what it is.  Alicia bids $20 for a shower with shampoo and a toothbrush, but Kim takes it for forty.  The tribe watches as she slips out of her skivvies and starts brushing her teeth.

Christina bids $40 on a BLT with an iced tea.  Kat immediately counters with one hundred dollars.  I am really starting to get the feeling she doesn’t know how this works.  She ends up paying $180 for the sandwich.  A hot ticket item is next—peanut butter and chocolate.  Kim leaves her shower, covered in soap, to outbid Alicia.  She snacks on her peanut butter from the shower.  Everyone gets teary when Jeff announces a letter from home is up next.  I bet Sabrina is second guessing her $400 tequila shot right about now.  Alicia opens and closes the bidding with all her money.  I guess she grew a heart when Colton left!  Everyone who has their full pot can purchase their letter.  Tarzan can barely talk when he goes to retrieve his letter.

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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies went “glamping.” Apparently this is a thing. I feel deprived that I’ve never heard of it. Well, except for the 32,000 times I’ve watched Troop Beverly Hills. Too bad no Red Feathers jumped out of the bushes to steal their wine!

Things start out with Vicki Gunvalson paying a visit to her formerly big-boobed friend Tamra Barney. Poor little Tammie Sue is just that – little; as in now her boobs barely exist. Vicki is disappointed Tamra has gone for the Big R (reduction). And warns her those new itty-bitty things she stuck on her chest with the new itty-bitty dime-sized nipples were a mistake, namely because who wants to look, you know, like they have normal sized boobs and lose feeling in their nipples.

Tamra questions Vicki about the fight with Sarah Winterchester, of the Beaumont Winterchesters, of the boot-leg handgun smuggling operation. She’s a direct descendant of the other Sarah Winterchester – who had no children, didn’t you know? Anyway, Vicki tells Tamra that Sarah is crazy and Alexis Bellino, of all people, called her about it. Tamra is flummoxed and if her boobs weren’t tightly bound with sixteen layers of ace bandage, her nipples would have perked up like little antenna on alert for weirdness. See, Vicki hates Alexis – she’s dumb! And Vicki called Jim Bellino a “smelly dork.” #truth.  Vicki is apparently changing her tune about ol ‘Lex – and defends their friendship by explaining, “You can’t fix stupid.” Ok, then!

Tamra thinks Vicki is befriending Alexis out of spite because she became friends with Gretchen Rossi. And Tamra just wants Vicki to know she sees right through her schemes – which are as transparent as those of her own. Birds of a feather, ladies, birds of a feather…

So glamping is happening. Glamping is glamorous camping. A rare and special art-form invented and perfected by Phyllis Nefler – my Queen, and, I imagine, many of yours. Who else thinks Heather Dubrow fancies herself a bit of a grown-up Chica Barnfell?

Alexis is stuffing marshmallows into ziplock bags with her glammy, turned assistant, turned post-op nurse, turned hanger-on-famewhore, turned friend, Shannon. Not that I think their relationship is suspect or anything. Shannon is twittering about how cute and fun this trip is going to be and how Alexis is amazing for pulling it all together – nose job and all! Is this the longest nose job recovery in recorded history or what?

Apparently, Alexis is still not allowed to bend over, but she can go glamping if she brings someone – not a nurse – just someone with her in case her nose starts to bleed. So if Shannon sees blood she has to rush over to wipe it. I’m sure there’s some spare Alexis Couture handy.

Also, glamping: Heather, Vicki, Briana, and possibly Gretchen. Tamra, is unfortunately, also recovering from plastic surgery and is forced to stay home. Although Tamra would rather have major surgery than be stuck in the woods with Alexis, so something tells me Bravo wouldn’t have been able to convince her to go no matter what! Unless there was some cabin pranking happening, ala The Parent Trap!

Eddie visits Tamra at home. The finger he broke on the mud rug is now set in some sort of epic cast. Poor Eddie. Through it all he is carrying a massive vase of flowers – that neither he nor Tamra are allowed to really be lifting so they do this awkward, unnerving, juggling thing to transport it to the coffee table. Tamra’s house is a little depressing – she needs some decor and some paint.

Tamra whips out her old implants (which she is handily using as ice bags) to show Eddie just how huge her knockers once were! I so knew she was going to save those puppies – and I so bet she sent them to Simon as a final parting gift. She probably threw them in the envelope with the signed divorce papers. And that is why I love Tamra – she totally knows how weird she is. Tamra stacks both boobie bags on top of each other to demonstrate that is how big one of Alexis‘ boobs are – holy wazoo!

Eddie tells her the new chest looks beautiful and natural – and a lot less hooker/stripper than than the old one. And they both honk the newbies for a test-drive.

Meanwhile, Gretchen is preparing for glamping with a special packing list Slave Smiley has prepared for her. Again, he doesn’t work for her. He’s just doing what a “supportive partner” does. Cook, clean, micro-manage, secretarial duties, grunt labor….  Slave doesn’t want Gretchen to go glamping, and he really doesn’t even want her to talk. He so just doesn’t want to hear her voice. He insists she text him with her needs and wants. Again, he doesn’t work for her.

Gretchen wants to go cause it would mean so much to Alexis. On the other hand she has this chance of a lifetime Pussycat Dolls Performance coming up and her voice is still hoarse and raspy. You know, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Gretchen as no one, ever again, would hire her to sing.

Slave still doesn’t think she should go citing it’s his job to make sure she is rested and ready to go for the PCD – it’s his only responsibility, in fact. Hey, he said it – not me! Gretchen agrees she’ll stay home and not talk. Just a reminder: He doesn’t work for her.

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Dance Moms: Miami is still living up to its initial hype, for me at least.  I love the Victor/Angel good cop/bad cop dynamic, and once again, the dancers prove that they are way more capable of maturity, class, and kindness than their bat poo crazy mothers.

We resume with the ever ominous list.  Even though the group out-performed everyone, it’s not enough for Victor and Angel.  Despite a second place finish, Lucas is on top.  A proud Kimmy takes the second spot for remembering choreography, and, more importantly, having the least crazy mother.  Even though Sammy placed first in the solo performance, she’s in the third position.  A smug Sammy is confused.  Jessi’s mother is already crying knowing her daughter’s near the bottom.  Victor reminds her that a reputation takes a second to destroy and months to rebuild.  Remember that, poor sport!  Debi is upset that Hannah had her best dance yet but still ends up at the bottom.

The crew is heading back to California.  How do I become the child of a Dance Mom?  I would like to traipse around the country each week, despite my fear of flying.  Lucas and Kimmy are granted solos.  Sammy is given a solo by Victor, accompanied by harsh words from Angel.  Neither Jessi nor Hannah will be dancing solos.  The group dance is a deep, contemporary number based in each dancers’ insecurities.

Angel is shocked at how nice the moms are being towards one another.  He cites that there must have been a special on booze at the liquor store.  Man, I love him.  Of course, by nice, he means the mothers are passive aggressively complimenting their counterparts…make that their counterparts’ children.  Victor and Angel tap into the crews’ insecurities.  Are they licensed therapists?  The kids are crying about how small and ugly and imperfect they feel, and it pretty much all goes straight back to how their moms behave.  The moms are proud…yet Susan thinks that Sammy isn’t quite deserving a three-run solo.  Even the normally calm Bridgette calls out Abby on her cockiness surrounding her daughter.  So basically, the insecurity exercise works on the kids, yet it ignites the moms.  The moms, sans Abby, go to on a group bathroom outing, which all girls know is code for major gossip time.

The troupe practices purging their insecurities through dance.  After Debi was excited to see Abby finally treated as the outsider, she is perturbed to see Bridgette approaching Abby to apologize.  Bridgette is convinced that Debi manipulated the women to find fault with Abby, mother to Sammy, who, may I remind you, is a child and also Debi’s nemesis—not Debi’s daughter’s nemesis, but Debi’s nemesis.  The only issue Hannah and Sammy seem to have is that their mothers want them to hate each other.

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On last night’s 90 minute (seriously, MTV?)  16 and Pregnant we were introduced to Alex Sekella from Pennsylvania who lives with her mother and two younger siblings.  She’s an aspiring dancer who works at a fast food job and teaches children how to dance at a local studio.  Alex has been with Matt McCann for two years, and the pair couldn’t be more opposite.  Alex is focused, driven, and a good student, while Matt is in and out of trouble.  From the first two minutes of the show, you can tell he’s a deadbeat.

Alex’s mother took her to get on birth control as soon as she became sexually active (slow clap for her—seriously!), which is refreshing for this season.  However, after trying to give her daughter the necessary precautions, Alex’s mom is less than thrilled with the current situation.  Alex has two choices…adoption or find another place to live.  Harsh, but sometimes there isn’t enough tough love on this show.

Matt is confused and not ready to be a dad.  I must also mention that he’s always sweaty and looks like he’s on something.  Matt is leaning towards adoption, but selfishly doesn’t want to miss out on his child’s life.  Alex’s biggest fear is parenting alone.  Matt has some great words of comfort with, “We’ll see.”  It’s becoming more difficult for an almost nine months pregnant Alex to teach dance, much less practice.  She shares her insecurities with her dance classmates.  Alex admits that her pregnancy was an “oops” because they were using protection and she was on birth control.  She reveals they didn’t get the Plan B pill because it was too expensive.

Talking with her younger siblings, they are brutally honest.  Her brother wants to know if it’s against the law for a teenager to even have a baby.  Out of the mouths of babes…you have to appreciate the candidness of a ten-year-old’s mind.  Her mother discusses adoption with her, again telling her that no baby will be raised in her home.  Alex is clearly torn.  She wants to be a mom, and her mother reminds her that many adoptions can be open.

Alex becomes more convinced about motherhood while checking out cute clothing for little girls.  Of course, she is smart enough to realize that a $28 outfit will take more than five hours of work to afford.  She’s walking a mile to her fast food job contemplating her decision.  Alex would like reassurance from Matt, but shockingly he’s MIA for their group mini-golf date.  Her friends basically tell her she’s dating a deadbeat, but young love is clearly blind.

Her final ultrasound occurs, and after many voicemails, Matt is in attendance.  He’s either drunk, high, or ridiculously hungover while he sits glassy-eyed in the corner, not engaging in any sort of conversation with the doctor.  Winner!  Later, Alex talks with a friend about her final decision, and she refuses to make it without Matt’s involvement.  I see where she’s coming from, but basically everyone in her life is urging her to get rid of this dude.  Over lunch with one of her best friends, a proposition is formed…her friend’s mother would like to adopt the baby.  While it may seem ideal for some, to me it sounds too close for comfort, as the baby she has such a hard time parting with would become her best friend’s younger sister.  Yes, she would get to see her child, but when it comes down to brass tacks, Alex would have to watch her daughter raised in her vicinity with no say, whatsoever.  While I commend the potential adoptive parents, I can’t imagine how difficult that would be for all parties involved.

Matt is still being elusive, so she goes to speak with her friend’s parents.  They can’t have any more children, and they want to adopt Alex’s baby.  It’s a strange (but refreshing?  Or just strange) conversation to watch.  Her friend’s parents are willing to wait until she’s ready to make a choice, even if that decision isn’t made until well after the baby is born.  The couple introduces Alex to their neighbor who needs a roommate to make rent.  They would love for Alex to live there while she figures out what she wants to do.

She finally talks to Matt who is more concerned about a pet rabbit doing its business on him than chatting about their future.  He’s again totally out of it, but Alex seems awestruck at how sweaty and cute he is.  She tells him about the situation that has been presented, and he likes the idea of his child being adopted by a family down the street.  Alex really wants to be called “mom” and make it work, and he thinks she’s not thinking enough about the baby…together they don’t make enough to support themselves, much less a child.

With a week to go until her due date, Alex shares her friend Brianna’s parents’ offer with her mother.  Her mom understands her concern about being in such close proximity with her daughter knowing they will have the parental rights.  However, her mother isn’t thrilled at the thought of her living with the baby at the neighbor’s house until she can make a decision.  Her mom thinks that choice needs to be in place before the baby is born.

Alex takes Matt to speak with Brianna’s parents, and again, what is this dude smoking?  Alex wants the potential adoptive parents to know that they will have the final say as to visitation.  Matt supports the adoption, but thinks that Alex should have the final say. As he’s a year younger—a rising junior in high school—he knows he still has a lot to do before he can provide anything to support his child.  Brianna’s dad doesn’t want to put any pressure on the teens, but his wife clearly hopes this will work out for them.  As a trial run, Alex moves in some things next door but spends the night at Brianna’s before moving in.  Of course, that night she goes into labor.

Before heading to the hospital, Alex sends many unanswered texts to Matt.  Her mother arrives at Brianna’s to take her to the hospital…although several hours later she’s still having contractions and writhing on Brianna’s parents’ floor.  Bypassing the hospital, the mother-daughter pair track Matt down on his bike…although it totally looked like he was trying to evade them.  When Alex falls out of the car mid-contraction, Matt gives up on playing BMX star to get in the car.

After eighteen hours of labor, Alex is finally ready to push.  She is beyond thrilled that Matt stayed with her the whole time.  News flash…it’s what he is supposed to do…no props should be given.  Arabella Elizabeth is born, and it’s the first footage of Matt not sweating up a storm.  After giving birth, Alex is having serious reservations about adoption.  Matt seems to bond with his daughter, and Alex hopes that he can commit to being a family.

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Well, I managed to imbibe myself through another episode of Bethenny Ever After. It was more of the same with the marital drama and the non-stop product plugs. We’re in the mid-season slump here where the storylines get staid and the characters seem too cranky and the viewers are looking for a resolution and a change of pace. Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy continue to miscommunicate in their marriage, and despite that, they are considering making Skinnygirl enterprises a family business. At least they’ll finally have something to talk about! And Gina returned and blessedly hasn’t changed a bit!

Things begin with Bethenny meeting with her interior decorator Brooke, to make furniture choices for the new apartment. It seems Brooke is a bigger drama queen than Bethenny as she starts to need Xanax at the thought of Julie Plake leaving. Perhaps, it’s because Julie is the only person who can reign in Bethenny.

Next, Bethenny heads to Beam HQ where she is helping to oversee brand direction. Bethenny explains that just because Beam bought her out—identity, soul and all—she’s still involved, because Skinnygirl is more than booze—it’s now BMI tests, and depends (for when your Skinnygirl cleanse causes a mishap), and screwdrivers and tampons and mascara and vibrators—and anything a girl could possibly want or need that can be made in the colors of red and white, and have a photo of Bethenny slapped on the front of it. Skinnygirl deodorant – you got it!

Then, they do a new cocktail flavor test. Bethenny eschews every flavor, but White Cranberry Cosmo, which they plan to unveil in Aspen by Christmas. Pressure! Poor underprivileged Bethenny is excited about the launch party because she grew up skiing and will get to snowboard for the first time in years. And guess what she’s wearing? A Skinnygirl snowboarding suit!

Next, Bethenny heads to the marble yard, where she has a huge multi-contractor meltdown over bathroom plans. She loves being the center of attention in all of this mess and lecturing people on not communicating. She also loves pretending she has no control, while playing the diplomat amongst the professional renovators, who are all just hoping for their chance at a Bravo show of their own. Outside, she prays to a statue that everyone will get along and her apartment will actually happen.

Jason and Jackie pay a visit to the jeweler who made Bethenny‘s wedding ring. After last year’s birthday meltdown (Birthdays by Bravo!) Jason is walking on eggshells and feels a lot of pressure to make this one perfect. He is thinking of getting the setting changed on her engagement ring, because after less than two years of marriage, Bethenny is unhappy with it. A skinnygirl is never satisfied! And think about what that says about your marriage, Jason! Even the jewelers were like, ‘uhhh… dude – really? Not a good sign!’

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Last night’s Basketball Wives was exactly everything we’ve come to expect from this formulaic season.  Ladies gossip, ladies lunch, ladies gossiping and lunching promise to “cut a b*tch” if they ever see said B again, other ladies don’t think it’s a good idea for a group gathering, yet, a group gathering is planned.  Mayhem ensues right as the show’s hour comes to an end.  Lather, rinse, repeat for a season…

Tami Roman continues her deep conversation with her mother.  Her mother is very emotional, and she admits that she too was molested as a child and she’s been going to therapy as well to work through her issues.  The pair seems have a breakthrough which ends in hugs and tears.

Royce Reed is thrilled that Dezmon Briscoe, her NFL playing beau from Tampa Bay, is visiting in Miami.  She immediately begins grilling him about his initial meeting with her father.  I can’t tell if Dezmon is flattered or scared when she begins to compare their relationship to her parents’ forty plus year marriage.  He admits that he is deeply in love, but he also has a lot of “we’re going with the flow” talk.

Tami is excited that Shaunie O’Neal is in visiting because it gives her the opportunity dish on Kenya Bell’s music video.  Tami is disappointed that Kenya didn’t stick up for herself, but she also wishes Kenya could see the importance of listening to constructive criticism.  Both women do a spot-on interpretation on Jenn Williams, who was uncomfortable at the video screening, and it segues into how all the women will behave when they head to the horse races.  Last year, Tami had her own screaming match at the track, so she’s curious to see if they ladies can act maturely.  Sure.  Tami is also concerned, in light of Jenn and Royce’s new truce, if Jenn will change her tune towards Royce if she makes up with Evelyn Lozada.

Evelyn meets with her friend/assistant Nia who also used to be close with Jenn.  Nia is upset that someone she was such good friends with can now pretend like she doesn’t even know her.   Evelyn feels badly that Jenn has hurt Nia’s feelings so badly.  Evelyn vows that is she is around when Nia wants to confront Jenn, she is going to stay out it.  Yeah, I can’t wait to see that happen.

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