Real Housewives Of Orange County is a world unlike any other. It is a world in which one hires a premiere cake creator to design a cake shaped like a bottle of champagne. Then one reserves a seat on a private jet to fly said cake to the launch of their said champagne. Then, come to find out, the cake is actually fake – as in not really a cake, but a Styrofoam mold that resembles a cake, and the champagne is not really champagne, but a bubbly wine. Why so much precaution over a fake cake? Styrofoam robustly withstands grubby, unskilled hands of kindergarten crafters like Meghan Edmonds, so certainly it doesn’t need a seatbelt on a private jet, or it’s own personal valet. That’s just one of the many things that ponders me from last night’s episode. There are many, many more…
Heather Dubrow is headed to Napa to launch her champagne, which is not actually champagne, because it is not produced in France, therefore it must be called “Methode Champenoise.” Basically it’s bubbly wine. And calling bubbly wine “methode champenoise” is like calling a car port a “porte-cochere.” You can put fondant on a Styrofoam mold, but it’s still Styrofoam mold! Heather – accept it: you made a designer wine cooler!
Bethenny invited a select group of ladies she likes to decorate cupcakes. Sponsored by Skinnygirl. Not to be outdone – or out boozed, rather – Ramona Singer yanks a bottle of pinot and wine glasses out of her purse. “Who carries wine around in their purse,” Bethenny snaps, caustically shoving the newest Skinnygirl beverage – replete with Skinnygirl glass – in Ramona’s hand. Bethenny should just get a food cart at this point – she can drive it everywhere! Hell, our little homeless one can even live out of it!
Over cupcakes Sonja Morganannounces she is about to pay off off her bankruptcy judgement and wants to celebrate by spending money again. That’s um… that’s really learning from your mistakes! First order of spending into bankruptcy 2.0 is taking a trip to Turks and Caicos.
First, I need to offer my sincerest apologies for missing last week’s Dance Moms premiere recap, but you’ll have to take that up with Mother Nature and her nasty thunderstorms and ridiculously long (and hot and oh so muggy!) power outages. Second, did we really miss much? Abby Lee Miller, true to fashion, flaked on practice and was extra nasty to over compensate for her evident insecurities caused by relocating to Los Angeles. Jill discovered once again that no matter how much bum she kisses, Kendall will never be Abby’s favorite. Basically, Abby was mean, yada yada yada, Nia was discounted, Holly was fuming, Jill was confused as to what exactly she needs to do to cement Kendall in Abby’s good graces, and Maddie was revered. A recap in one paragraph…who knew my wordy self was capable of such a thing?
It’s the second week in LA for the ALDC (this time around, at least), and the moms are still harping on Abby’s erratic behavior. Why anyone is still surprised by her antics is beyond me! The moms are surprised that Abby is in attendance at rehearsal (ehh, she’s “slightly” there), and Abby takes no time building up Maddie and tearing down Nia who doesn’t back down to her teacher. At. All. Go Nia! Of course, Nia ends up on the bottom of the pyramid followed by JoJo for timing errors. Shockingly, Maddie rounds out the bottom rung for not standing out in the group routine. MacKenzie is third for taking direction well, and Kendall is runner up to Kalani’s top spot on the pyramid. Kendall didn’t perform last week, but her video premiered which garnered her a higher spot. Kalani reigns supreme for her exceptional solo. So she forgot a few eight-counts…she improvised like a champ. Jill interrupts to say that a family commitment will keep Kendall from performing this week, but Kendall promises she’ll still be at rehearsals. Abby’s eye rolls say it all.
On last night’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies decide to drag their sorry, hungover butts to an exercise class the morning after partying in Mantauk, where all is not going well among the delusional divorcees of Long Island. Gail Greenberg is leading the boot camp in her all new young person gear. What she’s asking this workout gear to do cannot be done, i.e. turn back the clock like 30 years. Susan Doneson shows up in black lipstick and raccoon eyes ready to feel the burn, but first she must dish to Cori Goldfarb about how she feels attacked by Liza Sandlerand Andi Black at last night’s dinner. Susan has no sh*ts to give about Liza losing her house to a messy divorce. “You’re 47 years old, aren’t you bored?” she wonders about Liza.
Back in LI, Amy Millerdiscovers her son Max has traffic tickets piling up, but Max brushes her off like dust, just like every other man in her life. Max also makes the executive decision to bring a new dog into her home. You know, because he’s a responsible young man who lives with his mom, doesn’t pay parking tickets, dresses like a bunny, and can’t do laundry. Amy blames Max’s distracting behavior for getting in the way of her relationship with Arthur. I blame Max for making me sigh deep, sorrowful sighs over the state of entitled 20-something manboys everywhere. (Seriously, can we not round them all up and set them adrift until they’re house trained?) Amy fears that Max will turn out just like her ex-husband, Max’s father, who…lives with his mom and can’t do laundry. So, yup.
In case you were feeling stressed out about the lack of available Real Housewives wines (and other sparkly alcoholic beverages), Heather Dubrow is launching her own champagne, not to be confused with Fabellini. Appropriately this champagne is named after Heather’s 5-year-old daughter Colette, who leads Heather to drink. Heather commissions a giant champagne bottle-shaped cake, that she is flying in its own seat on a private plane to Napa for the launch party of Colette Champagne. All of the ladies are invited. Lifestyles of the rich and guest role on canceled sitcom hopefully famous!
Literally fell asleep – snoooooze, snore, zzzzzzzzzz, yawn at the thought of another Housewives hawking wine storyline.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta was everything. All of Yung Joc’s baby mamas are in some book club hybrid that is simply amazing, and the remaining story lines paled in comparison. Don’t believe me? Let’s begin at the beginning…
Tony is trying to convince Kalenna to invest in a new Atlanta nightclub, but after hearing about Stevie J.’s experience, Kalenna is very skeptical…and she shares as much with the requesting investor. Tony hates that Joseline Hernandez gotten into her head to squash this deal, but let’s be honest, someone needs to be asking the hard questions! He’s frustrated that Kalenna has so many reservations about what he considers to be an amazing deal to dump their entire life savings. Not wanting to further upset her husband, Kalenna caves and agrees to fork over all of their cash. Hey, at least they’re getting paid for this show, right?
I can’t believe it’s the season 2 finale of Blood, Sweat, and Heels! Is it just me, or was this season waaaaaaay too short? Bravo, please give us more of these ladies next season (and please, please let there be a next season, period).
In full disclosure, I have to admit I’m connecting to Mica Hughes‘ recent loss of her 91-year old grandmother in a special way tonight, as I lost my own 91-year old grandmother just this morning. A second mother to me, she went peacefully, surrounded by love and family and I got to see her right up until the end. I know reality television is good fodder for snark (don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of it with this finale!), but it’s poignant to realize that we’re all connected in strange, surreal, and plain old human ways too. Now, on to the show. Which tonight, friends, is one HOT mess. 🙂
I still don’t know what the hell happened on Real Housewives Of New York! One minute Bethenny Frankel was crying, the next she was hugging, the next she was building flimsy walls, the next she was eviscerating, the next she was arguing, the next she was conducting a high-powered business summit, the next she was running away, then she was apologizing. Dare I say – with all her emotional turmoil – she was acting like Kelly from Scary Island. I feel like everyone needs an instruction manual for how to operate Bethenny.
Back in the Berkshires at Dorinda Medley‘s birthday dinner, Bethenny is having a sobbing meltdown because Heather Thomson tried to smother her with a meatball like some sort of depraved Upper East Side momogul version of Aqua-Teen Hunger Force. Get the memo, Heather: Bethenny doesn’t eat! Bethenny is allergic to fish – and, also Xanax!
Then Bethenny is running around to Heather’s side of the table, eyes shining with tears (or maybe it was Skinnygirl Sparklers; who knows) hugging Heather and apologizing for the walls she’s has because everyone is trying to put her in a Skinnygirl box. “I’m over myself!” Bethenny snaps. “I just don’t want attention!” Except for the times I’ve talked to the media and put myself on reality shows!