Ok, people! I am watching Secrets and Wivesso you don’t have to. You’re welcome! Juuuuust kidding. I know there are one or three of you out there still tuning in to Bravo’s latest “experiment,” so let’s get started on recapping the hot mess of last night’s episode! (I must confess I actually get a kick out of these ladies, God help me.)
At Fire Island, Liza Sandler and bestie Andi Black are waking up in the same bed, per usual, to dogs and gay best friends pouncing on them. Cori Goldfarb and Susan Doneson are having coffee while reliving the night before, during which Susan took a lot of heat from the ladies about her trashy husband Jonathan’s behavior at Cori’s barbecue last week. All four of the ladies finally slap some orange makeup on and gather for breakfast. Not able to apply her own face shellac back in Long Island is Gail Greenberg, who’s left her 1993 light-up makeup mirror at their Fire Island house. How will she prepare for her Glamour Shots session in time!?!?
The ladies of Real Housewives Of New York are still in Turks and Caicos, but they’re starting to panic, one mosquito caught in a macrame dress after another. Of course Ramona Singer is annoying everyone, and if there were Ramona-Off, it would be in constant use.
Bethenny Frankel is making lunch, because I’m sure there’s some Skinnygirl salad from her book, or she was trying to pimp her new Skinnygirl salad dressing or salad tongs or salad croutons made of compressed air and over-active imagination of what carbs actually taste like. But drama with Ramona eclipsed her Skinnygirl Self-Promotion Brigade.
Ramona is demanding everyone eat lunch at a restaurant. Bethenny is pissed, because she’s been cooking and that’s hella rude on Ramona’s part! Bethenny chases Ramona around the beach house yelling that she’s manic. That, my friends, is the true definition of Irony By Bravo – Skinnygirl Margarita glass calling the Pinot Glass empty.
In case you were wondering, last night’s Dance Moms was supposed to be all about Kendall, at least that was Jill’s hope. Alas, it was not the case, but I was quite happy about Abby Lee Miller’s absence for the entire hour. I needed the break…desperately. The episode begins with the girls wondering the fate of their friend Kalani and the mothers rehashing Abby’s epic tantrum with Kira. Not surprisingly, Abby is missing in action, and Gianna pretends to now know where their fearless leader is. Gianna grants each dancer a solo in light of Nationals being five weeks away. Wait, what? Does that mean this season is going to be even longer than normal? Geez. JoJo announces that she won’t be competing this week because she’s opening for Kids Bop at Disneyland. I have no clue what that means, but way to go?!?
As Kendall works on her routine, Gianna goads her about losing to Nia the previous week, and Holly questions how Kendall’s single is doing. Jill beams that the song, which dropped this week, is number one in Ireland, and Holly gushes about how exciting that is. However, it’s pretty obvious she only asked to segue into what’s going on with Nia’s budding pop career. I expected more from you, Holly! Jessalyn wonders if Jill is upset that Abby isn’t around to show her support for Kendall’s single, and Jill admits neither she nor Kendall ever know where they stand with Abby. Well, duh…she’s unstable! Nia and Holly then meet with Nia’s manager/producer who wants her to try her hand at rapping. Holly can’t wait to gloat share this news with the other moms.
Of course, Vicki’s tragic news was preceded by petty dramas with clueless Meghan Edmonds, and interspersed with scenes of whooping it up over Bunco at Shannon Beador‘s house. It seems inappropriate to write a recap that encompasses both the tragic passing of a parent and nonsense over whether or not a party invite was shady. But alas, the powers that be over at Bravo have given me this incredible opportunity. (Sarcasm).
At Meghan’s house, that’s not really Meghan’s house because Jimmy bought it and decorated it with one of his exes, they’re packing in preparation for a move. Apparently Meghan and Jimmy have moved 65 times in the last 6 minutes so I presume they’re high-class squatters and this is going to be a really interesting HGTV cross-over. Also, if you don’t really live anywhere – how have you amassed enough stuff for several junk drawers? Jimmy blames Meghan for the stuff. Because of course.
So Love & Hip Hot Atlanta, right? I hope y’all didn’t crash Fandango’s site trying to get tickets to the movie that surely proves the apocalypse is near. What in the world? Are Stevie J. and Joseline Hernandez the next Brangelina? I digress…let’s backtrack a bit, shall we? Last night’s episode begins with the Jessica Dime/Joseline showdown, except it’s not an actual showdown. Both women want to remind the other of their memories of the past. Jessica wants Shanellequa Bennecourt to recall their friendship and their nights out on the town…and the evening they stayed in together, but all Joseline can recollect is that they once shared a locker at the strip club. For some reason, Joseline has a handful of singles she starts throwing at Jessica, who retaliates by throwing the dollar bill back in Joseline’s face. Before anyone can get bent out of shape over the dollar shower that’s happening, Jessica is escorted out by production assistants. Really, ladies? I had higher hopes for you both.
Kirk Frost is working with new artist Ashley Nicole who is rightfully nervous about how his wife Rasheeda will feel about her upcoming performance given the recent back and forth between the two. Ashley is hoping to prove herself to Rasheeda so that her contract doesn’t get shredded due to her disrespectful behavior. Rasheeda prides herself on being a businesswoman, so she’s happy to oblige, and she vows to Erica Dixon that she know there is no funny business between Ashley and her husband. If this girl is going to make her money, that’s fine by Rasheeda. Of course, Ashley’s auto tune lip sync and barely there outfit leave Rasheeda with a bad taste in her mouth…that and the fact that Kirk introduced her as his “sexy new artist.” Not able to read her audience, Ashley approaches Rasheeda immediately after her song who is happy to give her constructive criticism. Ashley teases that Kirk picked out her outfit (it was classier than what she’d first chosen), but she needs Rasheeda’s input on her future career. Ashley is humble, and she wants Rasheeda and Kirk to be one happy family on her upcoming promotional tour. Erica can’t believe her ears, and Ashley has the somewhat good sense to exit before she further sticks her foot in her mouth.
The wait is over! Grab your breath spray and your cherry chapstick, because our favorite OCD interior decorator Jeff Lewis and the gang are finally back for season 8 of Flipping Out! I have been giddy just watching Bravo previews, but now that we’re back inside Gramercy with Jeff, Zoila Chavez, Jenni Pulos, and Gage Edward (wah, wah), it’s like Christmas in July for this girl!
We open at Gramercy, Jeff and Gage’s gorgeous home, where Jeff is rising before the crack of dawn to demand coffee from Zoila and to wake Gage up via intercom so they can get the day started. Jeff interviews that he is sick of clients and their high maintenance needs, and wonders if he couldn’t just make more money developing products and flipping houses? He feels like he is aging “at a dramatic rate” because business is so stressful. Gage joins Jeff in the kitchen to get his caffeine IV drip going, updating Jeff about his client appointments that day. Jeff feels like they are chasing their tails, too busy, and working seven days a week. Gage is used to a frantic pace, having grown up working in his parents’ Nebraska businesses seven days a week since childhood. Jeff admits his business wouldn’t be nearly as successful without Gage’s help these past six years that they’ve been partners – both in work and love. “I mean, if something happened to Gage, I’d lose a lot of money,” quips Jeff. “That can’t happen.” Ah, that’s why I love this man.
When Snapped meets Real Housewives Of New York insanity (and hilarity) ensue. In what has become my favorite episode like ever, last night was the perfect genesis of drama (and melodrama) meets fun and friendship. Keep it comin’ Bravo.
The ladies are all Scary Island 2.0, but this time it’s Sonja Morgan having a total break from reality (gummy bears optional). After Sonja and Bethenny Frankel went head-to-head over whose head was more screwed up, the ladies chowed some lobster and went to bed. Drama makes a mama cranky and sleepy. Rather, it makes most people cranky and sleepy – it gives Bethenny and Ramona Singer a crackling energy.
They stay up discussing the Sonja-sodes (the Sonja Episodes) and Ramona confesses to being worried about her bestie. Both agree Sonja is turning to alcohol to cope with loneliness – something ironically they can relate to. This spirals into a truly touching conversation where Ramona opens up to Bethenny about her divorce from Mario.
If last night’s Secrets and Wives revealed anything, it’s that the men in this circle are bloody awful. And the women who love them appear clueless. But when a Fire Island trip brings the women together during which tempers flare, these ladies show how to get over a reality TV fight in 3.5 seconds, which is more than I can say for the Real Housewives of any city on the planet.
We pick up at Cori Goldfarb’s party, where Susan Doneson’s husband Jonathan is making an absolute drunken fool of himself, verbally abusing his hostess with such gems as “Shut the f*k up!” Cori breaks down in tears when Susan is unable to control her attack dog man. While an embarrassed Susan tries to do damage control with the group, Jonathan corners Cori in the kitchen to demand that she “not be upset.” That’s as much of an apology as she’s going to get out of this scumbag for now, I guess. On the ride home, Susan tries to explain how to act like a human to Jonathan while he promptly falls asleep in the cab.