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After the second episode of Dance Moms: Miami, I must stick to my brazen statement that I like this one more than the original.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Abby Lee and the crew, but that was just a crazy dance instructor and some pseudo-normal moms (for the most part…for the most part).  I LOVE Victor and Angel.  I love that they are passionate about what they do, but they are not hateful and crazy—unless they are dealing with these basketcase mothers.  They blatantly call the women insane, and it is fabulous.

Last night we started with my man Lucas at the top of the list, mainly for not dropping Kimmy during the pair’s duet.  Kimmy’s mom is thrilled see her place second, although Kimmy thinks a tie would have been more appropriate.  Sammy isn’t keen on being third, and Susan is in tears that Jessi’s name must be in the bottom two.  Jessi placed second in her solo for Pete’s sake!  Hannah takes the fourth spot, even though Angel and Victor cite her improvement.  Jessi fell from the number one spot last week to last on the list.

Victor blames Jessi’s poor sportsmanship for the drastic turn of events.  She is in tears but has nothing to say for herself.  Susan is livid.  The only reason Jessi snatched the trophy out of Hannah’s hands was because Hannah wouldn’t give it to her when she asked for it.  Because that makes it all right?  The girl is fourteen-years-old having a spat with a ten-year-old?  Susan tells Debi that both of their daughters are to blame, and Debi won’t hear any of it.  The women are screaming at each other, and Angel tries to remind them that they are behaving this way in front of their children.  He refers to them as psychotic b*tches, and he is definitely on to something.  Susan takes  Jessi outside, stating that her past behavior has been an embarrassment.  Hmm…I wonder if Jessi isn’t thinking the exact same thing!  Susan instructs her to go back into the studio and apologize to Victor, Hannah, and her other fellow dancers.

The competition this week is in Long Beach, California.  The group dance is revisiting jazz-funk, and Lucas scores a solo.  Sammy and Hannah are also going to be dancing solo numbers.  Debi is so excited that Hannah will be competing against her other arch nemesis, Sammy.  The group dance centers around “party boy” Lucas, new in the city.  Jessi returns  and Angel makes her apologize to the group.  Victor comforts her because hey, she didn’t choose her cuckoo mother.  Angel thinks Victor is reinforcing bad behavior.  Susan tries to apologize to Angel, and he rakes her over the coals.  It was pretty awesome.  He makes no secret of thinking she’s five-star crazy.

After a mediocre group dance practice, Angel promises to pull out of the competition if they don’t show vast improvement.  Hannah is doing a contemporary solo.  I know nothing about dance, so while she is probably amazing, the choreography reminds me of something Chuck Norris would do.  Sammy will be dancing a jazz solo, and little Lolita is sporting some bright red lipstick.  Angel dislikes Victor’s choreography and their arguing is placing more stress on Sammy.  Lucas’ solo is entitled “I Believe in Something” and it’s lyrical.  Basically it is just a lot of sad dancing by my little Biebs.  The mothers just look on from their sofas providing meaningless commentary.  Victor declares Lucas to be “amazing.”

The jazz-funk group dance is one hot mess.  Susan thinks Victor has PMS.  Ani has no problem with Victor yelling at Kimmy.  After all, football coaches yell at their players.  This is no different.  Angel has had enough of the group being off-beat, and he dismisses them…basically stating that he can’t stand the sight of them.  Victor is peeved, as clearly they need this time to practice.  Angel wins, per the usual.

Debi’s older daughter is home from college, and Debi reveals that Abby has joined the studio.  The scandal!  Basically Hannah’s mother and sister are talking about how she wasn’t nearly as good a dancer at her old studio while talking smack about another tween.  I could maybe understand tween dissing tween, but this woman is just as ridiculous as Susan.  These ladies are clearly living vicariously through their poor daughters!

Angel tries to a team building exercise the following day where the kids basically tell each other how each feels about their fellow classmates.  The mothers look curiously from their perch on the sofas…they have never seen anything like this before.  Angel then instructs Jessi to tell her mother what Susan needs to improve upon as far as behavior.  Oh snap!

The mothers watch Hannah rehearse, and both Debi and Abby’s horns are showing.  These two dislike the others’ daughters more than the girls dislike each other…which, for the record, they seem to be fine but slightly competitive.  Sammy’s practice time is cut short due to drama between Victor and Angel.  Angel has stepped in to tweak Victor’s choreography.  It’s a good thing that Kimmy’s mom can read lips through the glass partition so that the women can follow the disagreement.

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Lindsey Harrison is a teenager from Reno, Nevada.  She lives with her mother and younger sister in a space so small, she and her sister share a bed.  She also has two older sisters who no longer live at home, but all of the girls are super close.  Lindsey has been with her boyfriend Forest Ponce for three years…oh, and she aspires to be a detective and a cage fighter.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Hmm…what else can I say about Lindsey?  Oh yes, she’s 16 and Pregnant of course!  Lindsey also sports a giant tattoo across her belly…

Lindsey reveals to her friends that the couple often used condoms, but once time they forgot and she didn’t get pregnant.  Because of this, they felt they could be more lax with contraceptives.  Both Lindsey’s mother and boyfriend had hoped she would get an abortion.  Forest even broke up with Lindsey for a few months when she decided to keep the baby.  Now, however, he seems excited about having a daughter who they are planning to name Aniyah.  Keeping it in the franchise, I must note that Forest looks like the love child of Chelsea Houska’s Adam Lind and Jenelle’s mistake Kieffer Delp.  Attractive, no?  Lindsey is glad that Forrest is being more supportive, but she really wishes he would take the initiative to get a job.

Lindsey is hanging out with her older sister Dallas.  She tells her sister that she now must put aside her dreams of going pro with cage fighting at age eighteen.  Lindsey hasn’t even told her trainer that she is pregnant since he is such a father figure to her.  In an effort to spark her enthusiasm, Lindsey’s mother encourages her to go to a cage match.  Lindsey is concerned that she’ll see someone she used to train with who will reveal her secret to her trainer.  She and her mother are bickering a lot, so she finds herself spending a lot of time at Forest’s house.  Lindsey hopes he’ll want her to move in with him.  They both think that makes the most sense for their growing family.

Lindsey goes shopping for baby gear and is a bit defeated to find out how much the necessities will cost.  She lunches with Forest, and basically they can afford the crib.  As she’s the only one with a job, he is going to need to step up to the plate.  He promises to start looking.  Lindsey discusses potentially moving in with Forest with her other older sister Lacey.  She thinks that if they live separately, both homes must be equipped for their daughter, essentially doubling the cost.  Lacey seems skeptical about Forest helping as much as Lindsey expects.

After a week, Forest has yet to start his job search while Lindsey is seven months pregnant and taking on extra shifts at McDonald’s.  Over dinner with Forest and his mom and sister, his mother broaches the subject of Lindsey moving in with the family.  His mom Dora doesn’t want her son working and trying to go to school and complete his homework.  Apparently, it’s okay that Lindsey does though.  The couple argues after dinner, and it ends with Forest hanging up on Lindsey.

Later that night, Lindsey starts to have contractions…very scary considering she is still two months from her due date.  Of course, Forest refuses to answer his phone.  She’s admitted to the hospital.  They schedule a shot to clear out the baby’s lungs in the event Lindsey goes into pre-term labor.  As early as it is, there is a risk the baby’s lungs haven’t fully developed.  The following day, Lindsey’s contractions have subsided, and she is frustrated that she still has yet to hear from Forest.  She is released from the hospital and ordered to adhere to strict bed rest.  Her sister Dallas comes to retrieve her from the hospital and is disgusted to hear how Forest is acting.  She thinks Lindsey deserves much better than Forest.  I tend to agree.

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Last night’s episode of Bethenny Ever After was all about good-byes and changes as Coordinator of Chaos Julie Plake announced she would be moving home to focus on her own life after years with the Skinnygirl team. Bethenny Frankel also contemplated having husband Jason Hoppy work with her and help run the Skinnygirl empire. Did I mention Bethenny is running an empire, cause she is, just in case you forgot. She’s, like, kinda the biggest deal since, like, sliced bread. Or bottled cocktails – which never, ever existed before Skinnygirl came along.

Ok, I have to admit after a couple of episodes of really liking Bethenny again, last night she was grating on my nerves with her constant pity party and I’m so amazing nonsense. We get it – you built a successful business on your own. You are NOT, Madame Frankel, running the United States from your 3-bedroom- apartment in TriBeCa with only two twenty-something assistants who can barely send an email. Stop trying to pretend you are.

Anyway, things begin with Julie sitting Bethenny down to discuss her future. Julie lets Bethenny know the time has come for her to say good-bye. Julie will be moving home to Pittsburgh and focusing on her relationship with Drew because she’s completely burned out by giving her life to Bethenny. Bethenny is upset, but supportive, and openly admits that while Julie is great at her job – the job is probably not the right fit for Julie emotionally. Bethenny also recognizes what an agonizing decision this has been for Julie. She handled it with class and gratitude – it was nice.

While sharing the news with Jason, Jackie, and Maggie; Bethenny looks like he’s gagging on that Skinnygirl cleanse she’s drinking. Jason is sad and seems genuinely upset that Julie will be leaving their family, but he is apparently pondering leaving his job to join the Skinnygirl team. In Julie’s absence, Jackie and Maggie will be promoted. Bethenny worries if Maggie will be able to handle the ball-busting Skinnygirl team – and the constant chaos. Poor Julie – she is a C.O.C. no more!

Bethenny heads over to Drybar, which is partnering with Skinnygirl to incorporate the classic Skinnygirl ponytail and margarita into their menu. The owner practices the  classic ponytail on Bethenny and even after the re-do it looks like crap. Maybe it’s Beth’s hair, maybe that lady needs Tabatha to take over, but really – that was one sorry, sad ponytail that looked more ‘I just worked out’ than ‘I styled my hair this way.’  Afterwards Bethenny pours up a cocktail and wonders why people don’t drink in the morning. She prefers morning drunk to go with her morning sex and if she gets a blow-out, Jason should get a blow job, but Drybar doesn’t offer happy ending specials.

Bethenny discusses working with your spouse with the owner, who declares that it’s fun combining the two. One could say it’s the fruit in the sangria. Except Bethenny and Jason have a lot communication issues, so Bethenny seems nervous about adding more strain on their relationship. You know, more like adding a cauliflower to your sangria. Nonetheless, she doesn’t completely rule it out!

Next Bethenny meets up with Matt, her sexy Skinnygirl nutritionist or something. The idea that Matt is sexy is not lost on Bethenny who grills him continually on his single life, specifically if he dates and sleeps with models. Cause Bethenny can, like, relate. Nope, she’s not a forty-one-year-old married mother, she’s a single skinnygirl ready to mingle and dammit she’s good at being a bar slut! Oh, Bethenny… Oh Bethenny…  Matt tells her he told hot girls at Nobu (does Bravo have a secret partnership with Nobu?) that he worked for Skinnygirl. Poor Beth had a wistful look on her face as she wished Matt were picking her up at the bars with a Skinnygirl diet bar ad.

Why do all of her business meetings turn into sex talk and personal life convos? Bethenny fills Matt in on how Jason has a passion for working with Skinnygirl and he is very fascinated by the operation. However she worries about mixing marriage and business. Matt feels her pain and echos that it may result in their relationship being all business talk and no break. Which is an excellent point!

Bethenny takes assistant-in-training Maggie to a high-end antique store where she and her decorator Brooke peruse $6,780,000.* vases. *Numerical values inflated for entertainment purposes. Bethenny is in shock over the prices – which are high. Like, gobsmackingly so. I agree with Bethenny – too scary! No $43,000 chair moments for me! And they definitely are not good for people with children.

Bethenny tells Maggie that Brooke didn’t know her when she was broke (well, no one did apparently because she never was. Thanks, Dad!),  so Brooke expects her to spend lavishly like all her other clients, which include a whole host of famous people. And here comes the ‘I was poor and couldn’t pay my rent’ woe-is-me sob story that peppers every episode. After all that shell-shocked nonsense Bethenny discovers some bars that she likes. At $35,000 for the pair, they’re a steal!

Back at the apartment where Skinnygirl lives, the team is preparing for their big Lazy Lingerie photoshoot. Jason, apparently, chose this to be his first day of work with the Skinnygirl crew. I suppose to over-see the shoot (wink, wink). Bethenny is very excited that she has coerced her staff into prancing around her living room in their netherthings while she bounces on the sofa cheering.

Bethenny, again, explains how her business works – it’s like very, very complicated. Let’s talk about how amazing and fantastic and amazing Bethenny’s business is again! She’s so important. She is like the queen empress princess of the whole entire world. Skinnygirl alone is keeping the NASDQ alive. Bethenny’s like patenting stuff y’all. She invented bras! And margaritas! And yoga! Didn’t ya know?! ohmigawd – it’s Bethenny and her empire! It’s just, like, so mesmerizing.

Bethenny announces she is turned on by Julie wearing butt pads while holding Bryn. Dr. Amador is not working. Then she kisses her hairstylist, Stacey, on the lips to steal some of her “jarring” attention hot pink lipstick that oozes sex. Stacey is so getting some – as evidenced by the lipstick and the Skinnygirl neglige. Getting molested by Bethenny is no small fete!

From lingerie to Parenting magazine with an argument about furniture in between. Jason and Bethenny discuss the very real possibility of purchasing $35,000 furniture pieces. Jason makes some valid points about how they have a small child and they actually live in their space, so it will likely get banged up. Bethenny co-signs that she’s incapable of having valuable stuff, but she wants them nonetheless. Hey, I agree with her – if I could afford them I’d be mighty tempted. And they were awesome!

Bethenny then points out that they don’t use their valuables wisely, as evidenced by the expensive bowl being used to store iPod charges. haha. Seriously – that was my favorite scene of last night.

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So where we last left the “ladies” of Basketball Wives, Evelyn Lozada had just hurled a wine bottle at Kenya Bell’s head.  Good times!  Is that a cross ring on her finger?  WWJD?  Not this, I assure you!  Tami Roman is able to pull Evelyn away from Kenya as she threatens death.  Suzie Ketcham feels like she’s in Iraq, what with all these wine bottles and plates whizzing by her head.  Shaunie O’Neal pretends to be distraught at this turn of events.  Tami admits that she wasn’t trying to protect Kenya as much as she was trying to avoid her friend committing homicide.  Classy, Ev!

Suzie is working out with Jenn Williams, and she’s hoping Jenn will give Royce Reed a few minutes of her time in hopes of a reconciliation.  Jenn reveals that she wasn’t so much mad at Royce as her feelings were hurt.  Perfect, exclaims Suzie–as Royce feels the same way!  Not quite…Jenn is still miffed that Royce opted to “work” with her ex Eric Williams on his “movie.”

Meanwhile Tami and Evelyn meet with Shaunie to discuss the annoying bug which is Kenya.  Are they hoping Shaunie will fire her mid-season?  Shaunie definitely thought Kenya was crazy at the dinner.  After all, she was throwing plates and wine bottles not showing any emotion when confronted by Evelyn.  Kenya is not right, y’all!  She just watched Evelyn take off her earrings without fear or concern.  Kenya must be in-flipping-sane!  Shaunie recommends a tropical girls’ trip to Tahiti, and the women question Evelyn if it would be alright to invite Jenn.  Of course it is…just give Evelyn more time to perfect her aim!  Shaunie reminds Evelyn and Tami that Suzie has invited all the women to the race track.  Should be a good time…I hope the horses are betting on which “wife” will fall victim to the first sucker punch!

Kenya and Jenn are going wine shopping.  Is it just me or does Kenya seem even more comatose than episodes past?  Kenya is hoping to purchase some vino to serve at the screening of her new video.  Jenn encourages her to invite the crew.

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The Dancing with the Stars contestants got their rock ‘n roll on tonight.  It was a sea of black satin, big hair, and lame fauxhawks.  And no season of DWTS is ever complete without at least a half a dozen injuries or so.  Oh, and pretend “groupies” gyrating on the judges table.

Brooke Burke really got into the spirit of the night with some huge ’80′s hair that would make Dee Snider jealous.

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus tried their hardest to dance to a difficult song, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, which the judges gave them credit for attempting, but they weren’t impressed.  Carrie Ann didn’t think it came together well and their posture wasn’t strong enough.  I gave them an extra point for Gladys’ costume!

Cheryl Burke and William Levy received stern words about their goofs, which included a fumble or two that threw off their rhythm and caused them to go on too long. Carrie Ann told them they needed to stay focused.

Chelsea Hightower and Roshon Fegan gave it their all and the judges were thrilled.  Carrie Ann gushed that she thinks Roshon is the best dancer among this season’s men.

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough danced an incredible tango to “School’s Out”, despite Maria’s foot injury.  Maria was a trooper and never let us see how much pain she is in, but all Len could muster for her was a “just pretty good”.  Carrie Ann was blown away by their chemistry.  Derek did his best to get a few sympathy votes by carrying Maria upstairs for their score reveal.

Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff drew criticism for the form/posture, dancing to ‘Paint it Black’.

The top scorers of the evening, Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd kicked up the heat in a paso doble to Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze”.  The judges were blown away, with Carrie Ann Inaba dubbing it “psychedelic, bizarre, sexy, raunchy, hot. One of the most memorable moments.”

Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy disappeared after their performance because Melissa needed to be seen for an injury and it couldn’t wait.  From updates shared this morning, Melissa was suffering from whiplash and a concussion.

I don’t know about you, but this season is just a little ho-hum for me.  It needs a shake up.  Get some Housewives on there.  An entire contestant lineup of just Housewives.

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Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.

Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?

NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.

And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared…  She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.

Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.

Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal,  shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!

Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….

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Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice opened up on Awkardville, aka the terrified remaining team members with a ranting Arsenio Hall. Everyone looked like they wanted to avoid Arsenio’s gaze. Everyone except for Lisa Lampanelli, who finally found an outfit that looked flattering (It’s 2012. There are amazing plus size options everywhere. Look into them!). Hilariously, the self-proclaimed insult comic had a problem with Arsenio’s choice of insults for Aubrey O’Day. She yelled at Arsenio that he was about to ruin his image and career and that “every woman in America would hate him” after watching his tirade.

In his talking head, Arsenio recognized how ridiculous it was that Lisa of all people should be upset with his word choice, but on the other hand, Arsenio’s anger towards Aubrey seemed way out of line. In the war room, the team decides that from now on, the team follow Teresa’s lead to avoid future problems. Who woulda thought, Teresa Giudice would be the sanest person in a room? Lou Ferrigno and Dayana Mendoza come in from the boardroom and Lisa once again, does nothing to hide her disgust. She tells Penn Jillette that from now on, the two of them will be carrying their team. She’s not exactly wrong there.

The product placement this week is for entertainment.com, a company that no one can seem to refer to with a straight face. The teams have to produce 60-second commercials for the company. Dayana steps up as project manager for Forte and Teresa decides to manage Unanimous. Aubrey makes her return and she and Arsenio have something resembling an adult discussion, and Arsenio even comes close to apologizing, blaming his emotion on the charity work, both for his old friend Magic Johnson and his “cousin from Cleveland” who recently died of AIDS. They both agree to move on.

While a part of me is rooting for Aubrey, it was a huge letdown to see her make fun of Teresa in her talking head spots, especially after Teresa saved her in the last boardroom. Everyone knows Teresa should have brought Aubrey in, and didn’t due to their friendship/alliance, so watching Aubrey take down Teresa was too much. It just confirms what Arsenio said: it’s Aubrey’s world, and it’s all “I, I, I.” Unanimous ends up having a very peaceful week working, and they even blame Arsenio’s outburst for getting all the anger out into the open, but moving past it. This is just to grown-up for me!

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Last night’s episode of Shahs of Sunset gave us a glimpse into Reza Farahan’s daddy issues, Sammy Younai’s creative math abilities, and Golnessa “GG” Gharachedaghi’s aversion to poor people’s clothes.  Also, what happens in Vegas comes back to haunt you, repeatedly.

The episode starts out with GG and Asa Soltan Rahmati taking a stab at being friends.  Asa decides she wants to expand GG’s horizons (in case daddy really does cut off her credit cards?) and takes her to her favorite resale clothing boutique, Decades.  GG admits that she’s not a fan of vintage clothing and says that you just can’t get rid of the stench from “used clothing”.  In GG’s world, vintage = peasant rash.

ASA and GG dish about Mercedes “MJ” Javid’s rude behavior, showing up three hours late for the party GG threw for her parents’ 40th anniversary.  GG is happy that Asa agrees with her that it was disrespectful.  MJ was right last week, the wrath of GG IS coming.

We get to meet Reza’s mom! He explains how hard she worked and gave him unconditional love after his dad left. Reza talks about his upcoming trip to NY to see his dad for the first time in several years.  His mom brings out some pictures from Reza’s childhood.  Reza’s mom was Muslim and his dad was Jewish, which was a scandalous relationship at the time.  His dad had to convert to Islam and his family was furious.  Reza’s parents never stood a chance because they had so much pressure coming from both sides of the family.

Over at GG’s condo, she and her friend Tahira get ready for girls night.  Here comes the crazy! You know Girls Night in GG’s hood is code for Golnesa Gone Loco up in someone’s face, at some point in the evening.  GG vows that won’t be the case and if there’s any sign of impending drama, she swears it’ll be the end of her night.  She doesn’t put that in writing.

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