Last night was the hour-long season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which means it was 60 whole long minits (57 if you do math like Mama does) of kuntry-kussin and hollerin! Anna finally had Kaitlyn, Honey brought the sass in a last-minute pageant, and freaking gnats drove everyone waving, slapping, shushing, cussing, flapping crazy.
So it all started out innocently enough. Mama had the grand idear of doing a famlee photo shoot in 100 degree heat down by the boat water. So they all trundle down these big rocks – even super prego Anna – to pose as the four sisters while Mama stands under the bridge directin' things. Everybody has dressed up – which means even Mama put on some make-up and I must say she looks sweet. Family star Alana is dressed to the nines, but she left her A-game pageant attitude back at the convenience store down the road cause she was crotchety all day. And she got mud alover her clothes within five minites of gettin' thayre.
Alana says she doesn't do well with heat. After much bickering and Sugar Bear showing up in a t-shirt, claiming he only dresses up for funerals – the family gets some cute photos. The photographer has already changed her number just in case they ever call her again. She just doesn't have the stamina for Boo Boo bickering. Apparently holding hands and walking together was the most challenging part of the day for them – getting along, unlike couponing, is not their strong suit. I think they should make those free family coupon books – like, 'This coupon is good for one free hug.' Remember those?
Andrew Coleman's web of lies unraveled last night on Flipping Out, and I must say it was much more dramatic than I anticipated. You know, I thought Andrew was funny the first couple episodes, but his attitude is horrendous. I do think, however, that it was the best show of the season so far!
Andrew seems a little sullen after his tongue lashing from Jeff Lewis, but he is willing to do Jeff's grunt work. Jeff insists he isn't trying to punish Andrew….he just want him to prove that he really wants to the job by being willing to do anything…even if it's cleaning the outside range.
Jenni Pulos and Jeff are going to meet with Lisa. At Lisa's office the pair trade off wearing Kangoo boots and racing down the hall, crashing face first into walls. They get scolded by en EXTRA! employee like two children. It's hilarious. Jeff has countertop samples for Lisa, but all she sees are rising dollar signs. He had better keep this budget in check!
I am still baffled why Dance Moms needed a two-part reunion, but apparently Kaya had a lot to say, and there is never enough time for Candy Apple Cathy and Abby Lee Miller to bicker. The reunion did have to reach back to past seasons to get enough material though.
Poor Jeff Collins looks like he had a couple Red Bulls after the first hour. We are treated to the moms dancing at Abby's dance recital from a past season. Cathy choreographed the act, and she took off mid-number to perform a crazy-eyed jazz solo. It's hilarious, and Abby shockingly is appalled that Cathy tried to purposely embarrass the ladies.
Cathy and Abby discuss the competition between their two studios. Cathy thinks her studio is just as good as Abby's, but she does credit Abby's dancers for having more star power. Jill and Cathy go at each other over Kendall. Cathy isn't keen on Jill's studio hopping, and Jill doesn't like that Kendall didn't fit in with the other Candy Apple dancers. Cathy is questioned about whether she has cheated in the past by trying to sneak older dancers into younger age categories. Lots of choreographers average ages of those dancing in group numbers according to Cathy. She proudly admits to copying Chloe's solo music for one of her dancers to psyche out poor Chloe before she performed. After a viewer question, Cathy addresses bringing in outside choreographers. Abby admits to have done the same, saying that she likes working with them.
Basketball Wives LA is really disappointing this season. While I don't want the violent drama of the original ladies, but geez, this is boring! The most interesting part of last night's episode was a gay pride tattoo!
Malaysia Pargo, Draya Michele, and Laura Govan head out shopping, and Malaysia really wants the girls to be okay with Jackie Christie. Laura says she doesn't mind if Jackie comes around, she just doesn't want her to expect friendship. Um, wait, didn't Laura just have a nice and civil lunch with Jackie? Is VH1 having an editing snafu? I feel like that scene was filmed before the lunch, or maybe Laura is just that two-faced.
Gloria Govan is preparing for her action web series. Ahh, the internet…it offers so many options. Do people really watch stuff like this online? She meets with the producers who tell her she has two weeks to transform herself into a ballet dancing cold-blooded killer. Gloria is nervous, but she's up to the task.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York somebody got diarrhea! Isn't that a fantastically mature and classy storyline for a show supposedly about the upper-echelon of New York society. The thing about Housewives that happens is they burst onto the scene and present all these admonitions about how people should behave and why – meanwhile never quite behaving that way themselves. It's a curious phenomenon, one explored over and over again without pause.
Pinot Singer can't stop with her pinographies on how she's as lucid as the wine is white and the trash is not. And MevivaDrescher can't stop with her mespousing about how everyone is wrong and she is the definition of the right of the right. Unbutton your top button Meviva, have a glass of wine (a Xanax might put you over the edge) and accept that crazy can't even be managed by Nurse Ratchet and she had far sturdier shoes than you. Although, I'll hand it to Meviva – she put that education to good use and her lawyer-y skills were out and abundant over the tea that scalds and burns.
And in other news Aviva's father George returned. And yeah, please go back from whence you came.
First of all I have to admit I spend way WAY too much time analyzing the antics of the Housewife. They are an odd specimen, aren't they? And Real Housewives of New Jersey in particular. Although those ladies leave me wanting to turn into Pinot Fabulous Singer and just get sloshied all day, I have to admit they really keep it interesting from the psychological perspective.
Which leads me to last nights FINAL season finale of RHONJ. And out it all came like projectile vomit. Except I was left with way more questions than I had to begin with. I mean will I ever get the answers I'm looking for or will I die questing to know what exactly happened at the infamous S4 Posche Trashion Show? I guess if I can ever manage to get stranded on a desert island with Teresa Giudice I might learn the truth, but until then all I'm left with is an an aneurysm from wonder and a seriously large bill for TherapyByBravo. You're paying for this right @bravo_andy?
It is not often that a Housewives show rivals that of a Shakespearean drama with so many higher level plot points circulating around. I literally feel dizzy. Bravo has truly outdone themselves, but they've also truly over done themselves and I don't think they can ever come back from the edge with this one.
I don't know about y'all but I am totally loving Real Housewives of Miami thus far. I don't know why; it's got a fun vibe, a rich vibe, and a kooky one. So that means next season someone will be a suicidal drug addict who escapes from Promises welding a stiletto as a weapon and is on a homicidal rampage after plastic surgery made her a cyclops and her AMEX Black Card was cut up at the Saks White Sale because her husband declared bankruptcy after it came out that he was selling aftermarket implants. Anyone that gets the Troop Beverly Hills nod in this sentence wins my eternal love.
Anyway, enough about my super secret gift as a medium (watch it Alison DuBois – I'm comin' for you electronic cig blazing!), let's talk shop and get to the recap.
Things begin with gossip before breakfast – or maybe it was lunch – I couldn't tell. Alexia Echevarria comes over to Ana Quincoces' house to discuss the delusions of Karent Sierra. See Karent isn't just clueless about how to spell "Karen," she's also clueless about boyfriend Rodolpho's definition of the word "boyfriend."
Alexia does not like Karent right off the bat, she thinks she is icy and aloof. I agree. Something about her just doesn't translate well. Ana just seems to think it's odd that Karent is completely in the dark about Rodolpho's texting habits.
The season started with a bang, got a little boring in the middle, and then Dan revived it with some brilliant moves. After 75 days in the Big Brother house, only Dan, Ian Terry, and Danielle Murphree remain.
Who will win Big Brother 14 – Master of the Mist, Awkward Super Fan, or Crazy Teacher Nurse?