After praying to God, Teresa Giudice put on her best purple fur coat, forced husband Joe to color-coordinate in a show of solidarity and admitted that you know, maaaaaaaybe, ok posssssssilby, well actually definitely she bought too many sequined bikinis with money illegally obtained. But it’s like Oops – lots of people do this – lots of people commit mortgage fraud so they can have big fancy re-done house showy-offy parties for houses they can’t afford, so why is this happening to her?! WHY?! Why is the government making Gia cry by demanding her parents go to court and possibly jail. Like UGH. But Teresa being Teresa, she just buries her head in a vat of sequins and covers her eyes with her hairline, and drinks another glass of Fabellini.
With all of that said and done, Melissa Gorga and Dina Manzo feel sorry for Teresa that she’s under so much stress so they decide to plan a vacation to Florida. Like hey, you broke the law – let’s celebrate!
On this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Chyka Keebaugh has invited all the ladies to a much-needed beach getaway. Jackie Gillies and Lydia Schiavello kick things off with a shopping spree to stock up on zebra-patterned caftans from a nearby caftan specialty boutique (these exist). Lydia models a modest Grecian dress and a Jackie steps out in a teeny, tiny leopard-print mini spandex dress and aptly pokes fun at herself by saying she looks like “a stick with big tits”. Ha! Meanwhile, Lydia can only muster, “Oh Wow” (remember, she is just sooooo articulate) the entire time they shop.
Andrea Moss finishes up her packing, ensures her nanny has the 735-point checklist and off they go to airport where the group will be taking private helicopters to Queensland for their vacay. Surprise, surprise Gina Liano is late. Again. Janet Roach is about to cut a b*#%h if Gina doesn’t arrive in like 5 seconds. Gina rolls up (how many colbalt blue dresses can one have in their wardrobe anyway??!!) and is hoping everyone is chill for the trip.
This weekend Alexis Bellino renewed her vows to Jim Bellino in an over-the-top wedding that wasn’t a wedding on David Tutera‘s CELEBrations. And I can see why all of Alexis’ Real Housewives of Orange County castmates couldn’t stand her because Alexis needs sedatives – or some sort of psychiatric drugs. She constantly throws tantrums and is mega attention seeking!
Alexis wants David at her beck and call and treats him like ‘the help’. Two queens don’t make a right! To add to the drama, David is also in the middle of planning his daughter Cielo’s first birthday party and is strapped for time.
Jim surprised Alexis with the concept of a ten-year anniversary renewal by hiring poor to David show up at their house unannounced while Alexis was ‘reading’ the Bible (translation: looking at a children’s picture book version of a Bible while wearing knock-off Chanel). Jim’s surprise gift is that he wants the party to be in a week and he wants something classy and elegant – the irony of classy and elegant being used to describe anything related to Alexis does not escape me. Or David, who smirks at the correlation.
Even if you can’t stand Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes, I recommend giving this episode of LeAnn and Eddie a shot. It features the couple taking a family vacation to Hawaii. Both sets of parents are really likable and the scenery is gorgeous. Just do your best to ignore the fake pregnancy storyline.
While the family is boarding a helicopter in Hawaii, we learn a little bit about the parents. Eddie’s parents have been married for over 40 years. LeAnn’s mom and stepfather, Ted, have been married for about 13 years. Leann says that she couldn’t ask for a better stepfather. From the minute the parents are in the picture, the show becomes ten times more entertaining. They all have strong personalities that are just hilarious.
This week we find James Harris at home in his bathrobe, still moping from last weeks’ spat with David Parnes over the marketing of Faring, their $48m listing in Holmby Hills . His pretty South American (?) wife, Valeria, finally speaks and offers some tough love with a bit of ego stroking to get him back on track and earning the bacon. She seems to know how to handle her husband!
Josh Flagghas returned to the Dolce Vita restaurant, where he is carted in by Colton in a golden wheelchair. Yes, a Golden Wheelchair! Who knew those even existed??? Josh tells him that he fell in their yard. Pruning trees. Colton, who apparently was not around at the time of the incident, is not buying it and wants to know what really happened. Josh sheepishly tells him that he was standing on a stool dusting dirty vodka bottles, which upset his sciatic nerve. This makes more sense. He needs a drink now – a dirty martini! Colton gives him the side eye about drinking when he is on painkillers, while Josh asks him for a walking cane to go with his wheelchair. Colton is so sweet. I often wonder if he ever takes Josh’s’ dry sense of humor at face value?
I can’t imagine the pressure most dancers feel when preparing for a national competition, but it has to be next to impossible to train when your dance teacher is the wench known as Abby Lee Miller. Dance Moms just keeps getting more and more ridiculous, does it not? On last night’s episode, Christ-y is invited to rejoin the group after Abby’s mini-me assures her boss that Sarah’s turns are improving ten-fold during her private lessons. Abby warns Christ-y to keep her mouth shut or else she and her daughter will be banned for good…again.
Instead of a pyramid, Abby has fashioned a totem pole for her ranking, and Nia is on the very bottom for not having enough facial expressions. MacKenzie is above her for being too quick, followed by Kendall for lacking turn-outs. Tea is above Kendall for being on the winning team, as is Chloe. She’s just one below Maddie who is at the top for garnering the highest score in the competition. This weekend the ALDC is heading to Michigan to compete. MacKenzie, Sarah, and Tea all receive solos. The two lowest scoring little ones will be axed from the Nationals team. Nia has the lead in the group routine which is called tribal council. Abby learns that Ava will be competing with Jeanette’s studio against Tea and MacKenzie. The moms believe that Jeanette wants to get her daughter in front of Abby one more time, but they think it’s unfair given she had her chance last week. Jeanette’s plan is surely going to backfire.
On this week’s episode of Atlanta Exes, the ladies meet with a mediator to try to bring their ‘sisterhood’ back together. Torrei Hart launches her mixer, Skimpy Cocktail’s Cherry Limeade; and Christina Johnson makes a decision about her relationship with Willie.
This week we start off at the Glow and Dry beauty salon. Sheree Buchanan is there to get glowed and dried and Torrei meets her to discuss the ‘mix-up’ at Stir It Up. Torrei believes that she had every right to go in on Tameka Raymond like she did during the confrontation. According to Torrei, Tameka brought a knife to a gun fight. Torrei will shoot a person down, she was in the military. Relevance anyone??? Torrei is upset that Sheree didn’t say more during the confrontation. Sheree says that Tameka deflected. Tameka blocked her shot. Torrei says that Sheree let Tameka block her shot. It would seem that Sheree would have had the most to get off of her chest, given the accusation of sleeping with Tameka’s husband. I believe that because Torrei got so dirty in the argument that Sheree didn’t want to get any further involved.
Tamra Barney had quite a year – she’s being called out and ripped open for her crappy treatment of friends and co-stars alike. And in retaliation, she got slaughtered by three well-spoken broads who weren’t about to be silenced. The days of nobody backing crazy into a corner are over – and when everyone says you’re dead… But that doesn’t mean Tamra is remorseful or apologetic!
Lizzie Rovsek is forevermore “hurt” that Tamra ditched her birthday. Even though Tamra like kinda said she was sorry by giving Lizzie a one-year membership to CUT Fitness. She probably rescinded it so Eddie couldn’t ogle Lizzie in a sports bra. Tamra doesn’t seem to understand people having hurt feelings, but later she’ll use the buzz word of the season when she realizes it gets you attention – and sometimes sympathy.