I generally like to keep my problems away from water, but I guess that’s not the case with the Real Housewives of New Jerseywho took their fighting to a Rock of Love level when things got dramatic in and around the hot tub of horrors. Sadly Bret Michaels did not arrive to bust into a hair metal anthem. #why? Luckily there were sequins. As one of our twitter followers pointed out, you can cut a bitch with a sequined bikini. Where do they buy these things?
So there they all were in some insanely hideous bikinis, hair and make-up done up to the nines, guzzling wine by the gallon, and shrieking at each other like mongooses so that it echoed through the vineyards of Napa and awoke a dreaming Vivendi Wine owner in his sleep. ‘Oh, no… ‘ he thought… ‘The meerkats have gotten into the grapes again.’ Nope, just some delusional women embarrassing themselves on national TV! Grapes are fine, viewers of RHONJ not so much! Pack your alibis and let’s go!
Last night we were treated to episodes of Big Ang! Christmas in August? I don’t mind if I do…
The first episode centered around Ang‘s birthday, and her husband Neil decided to celebrate her big day by having her face tattooed on his body. If that isn’t love, I honestly don’t know what is. We learn early on that while Ang loves that Neil and her son A.J. have such a strong relationship, Neil grates on her last nerve. She’s not impressed that he’ll be tatting himself as her birthday gift until she learns it will be a portrait of her. Ang decides she gets to pick the picture he’ll use. Well, duh.
Jenn‘s mad that someone finally realized she’s in the Big Brother house. “I’m on fire, being put on the block, especially as a replacement nominee,” she says. “Usually, I lean back – I like to chill. At this point, I’m going to be a force to be reckoned with.” Jenn complains her way through the house. Ian says, “This tattooed rocker is overreacting. She couldn’t be a bigger pawn right now against a legend of the game. She needs to chill out.”
Who is evicted - Mike Boogie or Jenn? What happens during the Fast Forward?
Last night on Project Runway it was the dreaded “real women” challenge. I so hate this challenge. First of all, I just want to see amazing clothes and I want to minimize anything that involves bitching designers, throwing tantrums, and refusing to try at making decent clothes for “regular people.”
The special twist was that the “real people” were nominated by a friend ala What Not To Wear and the PR bitchies were the poor slobs sent in to do the make-over. Really, really, really never was there a day that I wished for Clinton and Stacey more!
There’s not much to say about this challenge except that the usual bitch queens were even more bitch queens and Ven’s arrogance was the most plus-sized thing in that workroom. He was horrid every step of the way and I felt terrible for his client – both for her so-called make-over AND because he was so dismissive of her. Not only that, but he was blaming his attitude and design flaws on her for being “fat” and “unhappy.”
He was terrible from start to finish and thankfully his fellow designers were all disgusted by his attitude. I just want to remind you that: “Working with the plus-sized is very, very challenging.” Isn’t Ven plus-sized? His horrible client should just go shop at Kardashian Kollection! <<eye roll>>
The most surprising thing was that Gunnar was extremely pleasant and concerned about his client. It made me kinda like him. Sure, sure – it was the reality TV gods tripping with us and trying to make us like a snippy, snide queen whose evil spider monkey hiss still haunts me in my sleep. Anyway, good for your mantsie pantsie for being real person and letting your lady shine. Too bad the outfit was a hot hideous mess!
The Hollywood Exesare focused on their individual business ventures this week.
Sheree FletcherandNicole Murphymeet for breakfast. Sheree isn’t willing to relocate to live with her husband, Terrell Fletcher. Terrell lives in San Diego, but Sheree is in L.A. She’s come to realize that she fears losing her identity. She doesn’t want to be reduced to “Pastor’s wife.” Nicole can relate. She says, when she was married to Eddie Murphy, no one knew who she was and her plans were put on the back burner.
Andrea Kelly returns to Millennium to talk to the owner Robert. Andrea is disappointed by the attendance in her dance class. Andrea is stressed – she left everything in Chicago to come to L.A. – but she’s not attracting the crowds she is used to. Her ego is a little bruised, I’m sure. Robert suggests a showcase… and all is right in Andrea’s world again. Andrea leaves excited and hopeful.
Tyler visits his mom. Kim shares that she is considering counseling. She’s feeling “held back” from seeing Carly. She says, “I knew Carly would go and live and out of state, but I thought they [Brandon and Theresa] would be more open to letting me go see her [Carly].” Kim says she’s running out of patience. I feel for Kim, but she does realize Brandon and Theresa aren’t babysitting Carly, right?
On last night’s Dance Moms, we were spared another dramatic competition…and treated to an even more dramatic recital!
Abby Lee Miller is actually proud of how the girls performed at Myrtle Beach. The bottom of the pyramid is Paige (obviously, since she can’t dance due to her broken foot), and Maddie for refusing to dance a solo last week. I did not see that one coming! Chloe is also on the bottom for losing to a Candy Apple by a tenth of a point. Brooke is on the second tier for a bonnet tying mishap, along with MacKenzie for beating two boys. Nia gets the top spot yet again for being a good leader. Jill is irate that Kendall doesn’t make the pyramid. Abby informs her that Kendall is only dancing while Paige is injured, and then she’s out of the troupe. Kendall is in tears, and Abby yells that Jill is always to eager to jump ship and she’s going to need to beg to get back in her good graces.
Ramona and Sonja are cackling drunkie-drunkifers who happen to be charming in their own minds. Delusional, desperate, clinging to the disillusion that they matter, and running amok like a middle-aged hasbeen PinotDee and PinotDumb. It’s time to put down the wine and the antics and grow the eff up. Turtle Time is over.
Things begin where they left off with Heather Thomson and Aviva Drescher meeting beak to beak to discuss the inappropriateness of talking behind someone’s back. And ironically, Ramona is hiding right behind Heather’s back listening in. Cue an wine-fueled embarrassing meltdown of screaming obscenities across someone else’s party.