I think we all learned a good lesson on Real Housewives of Miami last night. Thomas Kramer's house is no place for Housewives of any strife, location, or wig-wearing persuasion.
The creepy, weird older guy who hosted the ladies of Atlanta on an unforgettable girls weekend two seasons ago, once again did Housewives no favors by hosting the ladies of Miami for an atrocious dinner party where the lest desirable thing at the table was Thomas himself. Look dude, if you think telling an 80-year-old woman to sit down and shut-up because she's nearing her expiration date is going to get you a reality show, you're mistaken.
Things begin at Lea Black's house withMama Elsa and a case of missing mozzarella. Apparently Mama Elsa wants Lea and Marysol Patton to make up, but Lea has a conflict of interest – or two. One of them is 8 foot tall drag queen in a 40" wide wig named Elaine Lancaster. And the other is that essentially that The Patton Group screwed up The Black Gala two years in a row and there was nary an apology in sight.
We begin with Rawn, Snooki, and Deena working at the Shore Store. The meatballs are already hoping to bail on their shift, and hard-working Ronnie is beyond frustrated. He and Danny retaliate by donning trucker hats and ditching work like true meatballs. Mike calls his sister and dishes on Paula. He wants a classy girl, and his sister gives him advice on how to proceed with "shocking" Paula. A giant storm rolls in (which I realize is nothing compared to the super storm), and Snooki and Deena are freaking out. Down the boardwalk, Ronnie and Danny drink fruity cocktails and laugh about the chaos the girls are likely unleashing on the store.
Season 10's cheftestants are Bart Vandaele, Brooke Williamson, Carla Pellegrino, Chrissy Camba, Danyele McPherson, Eliza Gavin, Jeffrey Jew, John Tesar, Josh Valentine, Kristen Kish, Kuniko Yagi, Lizzie Binder, Micah Fields, Sheldon Simeon, and Tyler Wiard.
Alright, alright, alright!Padma Lakshmi is in the house, err, kitchen, and she's feisty. John decides to talk to his teammates while Padma is still dishing out instructions for the Quickfire challenge. She puts him in his place. Manners by Bravo lesson number one: don't talk over Padma. Standing beside Padma in a quiet and single-file line, as not to bring on Manners by Bravo lesson number two, are three past Top Chef contestants. Surprise! Josie Smith-Malave (season 2), C.J. Jacobsen (season 3), and Stefan Richter (season 5) will be the judges for the first blitzkrieg (okay, a little dramatic, but I love that word). Chrissy remembers Stefan; he's an evil villain who looks like a thumb.
We're back after a one week hiatus of Flipping Out due to election day, and Jeff Lewis, Jenni Pulos, Zoila Chavez, Gage Edward, and crew are just as out there as ever. That's why we love them, right? Not to mention, Grandma Patty was front and center in this episode, so that alone made it amazing.
Last night's episode started with Jeff using his infamous mask to scare the bejeezus out of Andrew and Zoila. If Andrew had jumped any higher, he would have hit his head on the chandelier. Zoila comforts him, while Jenni scolds Jeff. Gage thinks that the Andy/Jeff dynamic isn't appropriate for the work place. At Gramercy, Gage, Jenni, Jeff, and Andrew are looking into planting trees. Now that he's listed the house, one of the couples from a showing said that there wasn't enough privacy. Gage is still pouting over Gramercy, and he's wearing on my nerves as the season progresses. I adored him at the beginning.
Jeff decides to prank call his grandmother, pretending he's a roofer, but Patty totally hangs up on him. He and Jenni are on their way to see how her renovation is proceeding. Jeff feels responsible for taking care of Patty, and he wants to discuss with her the fact that one day she's going to need a caretaker. He really wants her to move to Spring Oak (do it, do it!), but she's not entertaining that idea. Patty is such a spitfire, you can't help but love her.
This week on RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race the queens played homage to the ladies of girl group fame. And nobody melts a drag queen's heart (or mine!) like Diana Ross! Girl groups for-ev-ah!
Thing start out with a little SheMail and then Ru appears in the workroom to let the girls know it's time to get their cheer on. The mini challenge is all about Cheer-Reading where the queens have to make a rhyme that throws shade at their opponents. Given that the remaining queens is all nicies and Miss Congenialities there was about as much shade as a Phoenix summer – well except for where Yarlexis is concerned.
It seems there is a lingering vendetta that the two girls shouldn't be the shining star of the judges eyes last week and they get hassled over their language skills, but it was all in all pretty tame. It reminded me of that 80's music video "Hey Mickey!" That's how cutsie pie this was.
I don’t even know what to say about the fact that train wrecks of Teen Mom 2 are back for another season. Part of me roots for these girls like no tomorrow, but the other part of me wants them to get their shiz together off camera and step up to the plate. Regardless, Jenelle Evans, Kailyn Lowry, Chelsea Houska, and Leah Messer (now Calvert) are back for yet another round.
Right off the bat, we’re reminded of the tension (for lack of a better word) between Jenelle and mom Barbara. Jenelle has broken up with Kieffer Delp while completing a rehab stint for her marijuana addiction, and she’s been diagnosed as bi-polar. She plans to stay on the straight and narrow. I’ll keep my laughing to a minimum. Jenelle shares that she and her mother are getting along well, and her attorney Dustin Sullivan calls to remind her that one passed drug test isn’t a victory. She needs to remain on the straight and narrow.
Chelsea recaps her past with the always awesome and supportive Adam Lind. While Chelsea appreciates that her mom is willing to help her with daughter Aubree’s childcare, she hates that her job at the tanning bed keeps her from spending so much time with her kid. Chelsea reveals to her mom that Adam may move in over the weekend, although they aren’t quite back together…at all. He’s just being nice. Shocking, I know!
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the ladies bored us to death and then got crotchety and bitchy at Portia's fourth birthday party. I don't know about you, but I always aim to get my drunk on and cause some trouble near the ring-around-the-faux-unicorn corral. Don't step in the shit, girls!
Before all that there were Househusbands in heels, some really bizarre timing, and a peace offering tree trunk that landed like deadweight and the fall was heard round the BH. Oh, and stage moms from hell! Weeee!
Watching this show makes me think that the zombie apocalypse will come from fillers and Botox eating the brains of the living and causing us to look like melted wax-faced drones incapable of moving our faces and conveying emotions. Brainless and melty faced, the streets of Beverly Hills will be filled with ladies hobbling around similarly to the way Paul Nassif and Mauricio Umansky did in their heels.
So things begin with Kyle Richards and Adrienne Maloof spending my yearly paycheck on clothes for Portia. Is $300 the standard budget for a birthday present there or is this just price inflation at work because four-year-olds spill a lot and do not need zillion dollar wardrobes (or birthday parties).
Of course the real reason for this shopping trip had absolutely nothing to do with poor scapegoated Portia; the real reason was so Adrienne could talk about her nemesis, Lisa Vanderpump. Apparently Adrienne is ready to put the past behind her but Lisa is unwilling to forgive, that makes Lisa "childish."
Last night’s Basketball Wives LA was no different from anything we’ve seen this season thus far. I am just waiting (as I’m sure you are) for some kind of shocking revelation or a giant shoe to drop. We all know Jackie Christie is going to continue to be the focus of the show. Heck, even Laura Govan’s evil ways are starting to lose their drama. What are we to do, VH1?
Laura is meeting Jackie’s daughter Chantel. Chantel tells Laura that Jackie warned her about meeting with her given Jackie thinks Laura has bad intentions. Chantel couldn’t care less. She knows her mother is fame hungry and only cares about appearance. Laura starts to regret her plan to intervene, but then she brings up Chantel’s sister as being too black. Jackie tried to pit her daughters against one another. Growing up, the girls couldn’t even speak because of the things that her mother instilled in them. Chantel felt that she was the placed in a situation as a younger sister where she shouldn’t have been. Laura is in over her head. She just wanted beef against Jackie…she didn’t expect to get a horrid family situation like she did.
Malaysia Pargo, Brooke Bailey, and Laura meet for froyo. Laura and Malaysia share their trip to Seattle with Jackie. Laura tells Brooke that Jackie was calling her oldest daughter too dark and overweight. Malaysia revisits Brooke and Bambi’s rift and hopes that they can make amends at an upcoming 80’s roller skating event.