I'm just gonna say it – I'm over this crap. Yep, I just called Real Housewives of New Jersey "crap" so nana-nana-boo-boo. Look I'm as mature as the castmembers now!
So last night was part one of the so-called "epic" season finale. It was pretty much rehashing of last season's season finale except there will be actual fist fighting. So they took last season and made it more trashy! Lovely, Bravo. Really just lovely.
Before all that, we were rendered temporarily deaf by Melissa Gorga attempting to sing. While I was holding my head and cringing, Bravo threw Penny Karagiorgis, her Wal-mart extensions ripped off from a Barbie Halloween costume, and Teresa Giudice shrieking at each other in my face.
It's a miracle I did not spontaneously combust right here on my non-made-of-marble sofa while drinking my non-fabellini alcoholic beverage. Maybe next week…
Sorry, Tamra Barney, but Andy Cohen has a favorite housewife! Of course, it's Lisa Vanderpump, but I digress. NeNeLeakes is a close second, and she's remarrying ex-husband Gregg which is a story line made in Bravo heaven. It shouldn't come as a surprise that NeNe's wedding spin-off, I Dream Of NeNe, gets nearly a full season of episodes as opposed to a measly three.
To bring everyone up to speed as to why NeNe is re-marrying Gregg, NeNe must spend the first part of the show explaining why she "divorced his ass." Their fifteen year marriage, split, and rekindled romance is described in less than a minute. NeNe is getting adjusted to being back in Atlanta after an extended period of time in Los Angeles. She finds her original wedding program and dress, and NeNe and Gregg reminisce over their first walk down the aisle with their wedding video.
NeNe shares that forgiving Gregg's past behavior is a lot easier than forgetting it. She assures viewers that she wants everything to be different from the first go-round, and she isn't looking at this as a new wedding, but a new marriage. That's a plus! The couple spends time in Athens on their journey down memory lane, and they meet NeNe's aunt and godmother for lunch. NeNe's godmother reminds Gregg of a talk they had a year ago when he promised he'd get his family back.
Yea! It's OVER! How I've missed you, Jeff Collins. Lookatcha! He's got a fresh new hairstyle (not to mention new color) and a sleeker, hipper suit than in Dance Moms reunions past. He's also cracking jokes as he introduces Hurricane Abby Lee Miller. He begins the evening by showing the Christi/Leslie smack down on Burboun Street, and Abby admonishes them for the trash they are. It is no way to represent the Abby Lee Dance Company.
Original Extra CrispyChristi and Leslie come out to share their side of the brawl. Christi has a prepared speech where she takes responsibility for her actions while reminding everyone that Leslie has a history of violence. Leslie talks only about her loyalty to her daughters and Abby and how she wants to make a name for her girls in the entertainment industry. She doesn't understand why Christi is so threatened by her. Oh, she's making a name for her poor girls alright (and so is Christi!).
Katie's nervous about walking the runway in a wedding dress and – gasp! – lingerie. She feels self-conscious about her post-baby body and wonders if Joey Maes still finds her attractive. A friend tries to boost Katie's self-esteem, adding, "You're the mother of his child, I'm sure that's a thousand times sexier than just being his girlfriend."
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
I bet y'all didn't think Bravo could effectively squish all of Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge's wedding insanity into three hours worth of Bravo fluff. Heck, if you're like me, you may be wondering how they managed to draw out Tamra's OC Wedding into three long episodes. Well, whatever your thoughts, I hope you soaked in all the Disney princess magic of last night's "limited series finale." I love what this network tries to make "a thing." Stop trying to make fetch happen, Bravo! Sorry, I thought a Mean Girls reference was the perfect wedding gift for Tamra, as she's the original Housewives version!
Tamra's poor wedding planner Diann Valentine is getting frustrated and freaked out by the bride-to-be. First of all, Tamra doesn't have the place settings finalized, and she informs Diann that her wedding dresses won't be delivered until the morning of the big day…which is in 72 hours. Tamra can't be bothered by Diann's worries because she's got an appointment at the Pretty Kitty to get her Britney waxed. She's a Brazilian virgin, y'all! I'm shocked! Accompanying Tamra on her big day are her mom and two gay friends. While her mom waits with a rented bridesmaid in the lobby, Ricky and Julius are in the waxing room helping contort Tamra's legs for the hair ripping festivities.
That evening, Tamra and Eddie's family and friends are gathering for an outdoor rehearsal dinner. True to form, Tamra's brother is in attendance with his Mason of moonshine. Heather Dubrow doesn't do "communal booze in a jar" but Terry and Vicki Gunvalson find it super tasty. Tamra corners her brother about a moonshine ban for the wedding day, and he reveals that they will be partying to celebrate her big day with Eddie. A tearful Kenny shares that Eddie brings out the best in Tamra, and she apologizes for torturing him during their childhood. After they hug and make amends, Vicki feels the need to make a teary toast which is thankfully interrupted by a drunken Terry's inappropriateness. "Tongue!" he cries as Vicki goes fawns over Tamra mere centimeters from her friend's face.
Last night's episode had all of these attributes and more. Evelyn wants to placate her daughter's fears that her mother is reconciling with Chad. She reveals that she did text Chad that day for his birthday. She just wanted him to have a blessed day, but that's the extent of their chatting. Sure. Evelyn wants to know if her daughter was worried about her during the photo debacle. Her daughter basically calls her out and says she wasn't worried, and she reminds Evelyn that she totally put herself in that situation. Preach. Am I so much on auto-pilot with this crew that I missed the fact that Shaunie was producing a play about Basketball Wives? She thinks it will be a much needed positive spin for the brand. She's looking forward to seeing some scene run-throughs while she's in New York City.
Evelyn and Tasha go shopping and discuss Tasha's peace talk with Tami. Evelyn still isn't totally convinced that her friend has changed. She's knows Tami will always be one to cut a b!tch. For her part, Tami is meeting with a life coach in hopes of getting rid of her anger issues. She knows she won't turn into Mother Teresa overnight, but it's worth a try. Tami shares with her life coach Shaunie's "it could go really good or really bad" comment regarding Tami meeting Tasha a bazillion episodes ago. Really, VH1? This statement is now what constitutes an entire story line?
It was an intense time with Kody Brown and the family on last night's episode of Sister Wives, as they have chosen to participate in a panel discussion on polygamy at UNLV. Kody is concerned that it could turn into a debate. Not surprisingly, Robyn is unnecessarily fired up, Meri couldn't care less, and Janelle is the only one who comes across as sounding very intelligent. Christine doesn't want any part of the negativity, and daughter Aspyn wants to attend to support her mother.
We learn that Christine's Aunt Kristyn is on the opposing side of the panel, as is Kollene, the teenager that Kody's older children met when volunteering at a shelter for people trying to escape abusive polygamist situations. Christine's aunt is worried that the Browns are painting a rosy and unrealistically sunny picture of polygamy. Kristyn is one of eight children (her sister is Christine's mother), and her mother was the first of thirteen wives to her father. She married at seventeen and it wasn't long before her husband was finding new wives. Kristyn finally left him at age fifty. Something tells me Janelle is going to be very interested in hearing her story…
Kollene grew up in a cult-like polygamist family, and she is quick to admit that her experiences are far different from the Browns. While she's never said it, I have a feeling she suffered a lot of abuse. Kristyn shares that met Kody when he was first courting Christine and she was fully supportive of polygamy. Willie is also a panel member who was part of Warren Jeffs FLDS family. He is one of forty-two children and escaped the lifestyle with his mother and six sisters.