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Dance Moms: Miami is still living up to its initial hype, for me at least.  I love the Victor/Angel good cop/bad cop dynamic, and once again, the dancers prove that they are way more capable of maturity, class, and kindness than their bat poo crazy mothers.

We resume with the ever ominous list.  Even though the group out-performed everyone, it’s not enough for Victor and Angel.  Despite a second place finish, Lucas is on top.  A proud Kimmy takes the second spot for remembering choreography, and, more importantly, having the least crazy mother.  Even though Sammy placed first in the solo performance, she’s in the third position.  A smug Sammy is confused.  Jessi’s mother is already crying knowing her daughter’s near the bottom.  Victor reminds her that a reputation takes a second to destroy and months to rebuild.  Remember that, poor sport!  Debi is upset that Hannah had her best dance yet but still ends up at the bottom.

The crew is heading back to California.  How do I become the child of a Dance Mom?  I would like to traipse around the country each week, despite my fear of flying.  Lucas and Kimmy are granted solos.  Sammy is given a solo by Victor, accompanied by harsh words from Angel.  Neither Jessi nor Hannah will be dancing solos.  The group dance is a deep, contemporary number based in each dancers’ insecurities.

Angel is shocked at how nice the moms are being towards one another.  He cites that there must have been a special on booze at the liquor store.  Man, I love him.  Of course, by nice, he means the mothers are passive aggressively complimenting their counterparts…make that their counterparts’ children.  Victor and Angel tap into the crews’ insecurities.  Are they licensed therapists?  The kids are crying about how small and ugly and imperfect they feel, and it pretty much all goes straight back to how their moms behave.  The moms are proud…yet Susan thinks that Sammy isn’t quite deserving a three-run solo.  Even the normally calm Bridgette calls out Abby on her cockiness surrounding her daughter.  So basically, the insecurity exercise works on the kids, yet it ignites the moms.  The moms, sans Abby, go to on a group bathroom outing, which all girls know is code for major gossip time.

The troupe practices purging their insecurities through dance.  After Debi was excited to see Abby finally treated as the outsider, she is perturbed to see Bridgette approaching Abby to apologize.  Bridgette is convinced that Debi manipulated the women to find fault with Abby, mother to Sammy, who, may I remind you, is a child and also Debi’s nemesis—not Debi’s daughter’s nemesis, but Debi’s nemesis.  The only issue Hannah and Sammy seem to have is that their mothers want them to hate each other.

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On last night’s 90 minute (seriously, MTV?)  16 and Pregnant we were introduced to Alex Sekella from Pennsylvania who lives with her mother and two younger siblings.  She’s an aspiring dancer who works at a fast food job and teaches children how to dance at a local studio.  Alex has been with Matt McCann for two years, and the pair couldn’t be more opposite.  Alex is focused, driven, and a good student, while Matt is in and out of trouble.  From the first two minutes of the show, you can tell he’s a deadbeat.

Alex’s mother took her to get on birth control as soon as she became sexually active (slow clap for her—seriously!), which is refreshing for this season.  However, after trying to give her daughter the necessary precautions, Alex’s mom is less than thrilled with the current situation.  Alex has two choices…adoption or find another place to live.  Harsh, but sometimes there isn’t enough tough love on this show.

Matt is confused and not ready to be a dad.  I must also mention that he’s always sweaty and looks like he’s on something.  Matt is leaning towards adoption, but selfishly doesn’t want to miss out on his child’s life.  Alex’s biggest fear is parenting alone.  Matt has some great words of comfort with, “We’ll see.”  It’s becoming more difficult for an almost nine months pregnant Alex to teach dance, much less practice.  She shares her insecurities with her dance classmates.  Alex admits that her pregnancy was an “oops” because they were using protection and she was on birth control.  She reveals they didn’t get the Plan B pill because it was too expensive.

Talking with her younger siblings, they are brutally honest.  Her brother wants to know if it’s against the law for a teenager to even have a baby.  Out of the mouths of babes…you have to appreciate the candidness of a ten-year-old’s mind.  Her mother discusses adoption with her, again telling her that no baby will be raised in her home.  Alex is clearly torn.  She wants to be a mom, and her mother reminds her that many adoptions can be open.

Alex becomes more convinced about motherhood while checking out cute clothing for little girls.  Of course, she is smart enough to realize that a $28 outfit will take more than five hours of work to afford.  She’s walking a mile to her fast food job contemplating her decision.  Alex would like reassurance from Matt, but shockingly he’s MIA for their group mini-golf date.  Her friends basically tell her she’s dating a deadbeat, but young love is clearly blind.

Her final ultrasound occurs, and after many voicemails, Matt is in attendance.  He’s either drunk, high, or ridiculously hungover while he sits glassy-eyed in the corner, not engaging in any sort of conversation with the doctor.  Winner!  Later, Alex talks with a friend about her final decision, and she refuses to make it without Matt’s involvement.  I see where she’s coming from, but basically everyone in her life is urging her to get rid of this dude.  Over lunch with one of her best friends, a proposition is formed…her friend’s mother would like to adopt the baby.  While it may seem ideal for some, to me it sounds too close for comfort, as the baby she has such a hard time parting with would become her best friend’s younger sister.  Yes, she would get to see her child, but when it comes down to brass tacks, Alex would have to watch her daughter raised in her vicinity with no say, whatsoever.  While I commend the potential adoptive parents, I can’t imagine how difficult that would be for all parties involved.

Matt is still being elusive, so she goes to speak with her friend’s parents.  They can’t have any more children, and they want to adopt Alex’s baby.  It’s a strange (but refreshing?  Or just strange) conversation to watch.  Her friend’s parents are willing to wait until she’s ready to make a choice, even if that decision isn’t made until well after the baby is born.  The couple introduces Alex to their neighbor who needs a roommate to make rent.  They would love for Alex to live there while she figures out what she wants to do.

She finally talks to Matt who is more concerned about a pet rabbit doing its business on him than chatting about their future.  He’s again totally out of it, but Alex seems awestruck at how sweaty and cute he is.  She tells him about the situation that has been presented, and he likes the idea of his child being adopted by a family down the street.  Alex really wants to be called “mom” and make it work, and he thinks she’s not thinking enough about the baby…together they don’t make enough to support themselves, much less a child.

With a week to go until her due date, Alex shares her friend Brianna’s parents’ offer with her mother.  Her mom understands her concern about being in such close proximity with her daughter knowing they will have the parental rights.  However, her mother isn’t thrilled at the thought of her living with the baby at the neighbor’s house until she can make a decision.  Her mom thinks that choice needs to be in place before the baby is born.

Alex takes Matt to speak with Brianna’s parents, and again, what is this dude smoking?  Alex wants the potential adoptive parents to know that they will have the final say as to visitation.  Matt supports the adoption, but thinks that Alex should have the final say. As he’s a year younger—a rising junior in high school—he knows he still has a lot to do before he can provide anything to support his child.  Brianna’s dad doesn’t want to put any pressure on the teens, but his wife clearly hopes this will work out for them.  As a trial run, Alex moves in some things next door but spends the night at Brianna’s before moving in.  Of course, that night she goes into labor.

Before heading to the hospital, Alex sends many unanswered texts to Matt.  Her mother arrives at Brianna’s to take her to the hospital…although several hours later she’s still having contractions and writhing on Brianna’s parents’ floor.  Bypassing the hospital, the mother-daughter pair track Matt down on his bike…although it totally looked like he was trying to evade them.  When Alex falls out of the car mid-contraction, Matt gives up on playing BMX star to get in the car.

After eighteen hours of labor, Alex is finally ready to push.  She is beyond thrilled that Matt stayed with her the whole time.  News flash…it’s what he is supposed to do…no props should be given.  Arabella Elizabeth is born, and it’s the first footage of Matt not sweating up a storm.  After giving birth, Alex is having serious reservations about adoption.  Matt seems to bond with his daughter, and Alex hopes that he can commit to being a family.

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Well, I managed to imbibe myself through another episode of Bethenny Ever After. It was more of the same with the marital drama and the non-stop product plugs. We’re in the mid-season slump here where the storylines get staid and the characters seem too cranky and the viewers are looking for a resolution and a change of pace. Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy continue to miscommunicate in their marriage, and despite that, they are considering making Skinnygirl enterprises a family business. At least they’ll finally have something to talk about! And Gina returned and blessedly hasn’t changed a bit!

Things begin with Bethenny meeting with her interior decorator Brooke, to make furniture choices for the new apartment. It seems Brooke is a bigger drama queen than Bethenny as she starts to need Xanax at the thought of Julie Plake leaving. Perhaps, it’s because Julie is the only person who can reign in Bethenny.

Next, Bethenny heads to Beam HQ where she is helping to oversee brand direction. Bethenny explains that just because Beam bought her out—identity, soul and all—she’s still involved, because Skinnygirl is more than booze—it’s now BMI tests, and depends (for when your Skinnygirl cleanse causes a mishap), and screwdrivers and tampons and mascara and vibrators—and anything a girl could possibly want or need that can be made in the colors of red and white, and have a photo of Bethenny slapped on the front of it. Skinnygirl deodorant – you got it!

Then, they do a new cocktail flavor test. Bethenny eschews every flavor, but White Cranberry Cosmo, which they plan to unveil in Aspen by Christmas. Pressure! Poor underprivileged Bethenny is excited about the launch party because she grew up skiing and will get to snowboard for the first time in years. And guess what she’s wearing? A Skinnygirl snowboarding suit!

Next, Bethenny heads to the marble yard, where she has a huge multi-contractor meltdown over bathroom plans. She loves being the center of attention in all of this mess and lecturing people on not communicating. She also loves pretending she has no control, while playing the diplomat amongst the professional renovators, who are all just hoping for their chance at a Bravo show of their own. Outside, she prays to a statue that everyone will get along and her apartment will actually happen.

Jason and Jackie pay a visit to the jeweler who made Bethenny‘s wedding ring. After last year’s birthday meltdown (Birthdays by Bravo!) Jason is walking on eggshells and feels a lot of pressure to make this one perfect. He is thinking of getting the setting changed on her engagement ring, because after less than two years of marriage, Bethenny is unhappy with it. A skinnygirl is never satisfied! And think about what that says about your marriage, Jason! Even the jewelers were like, ‘uhhh… dude – really? Not a good sign!’

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Last night’s Basketball Wives was exactly everything we’ve come to expect from this formulaic season.  Ladies gossip, ladies lunch, ladies gossiping and lunching promise to “cut a b*tch” if they ever see said B again, other ladies don’t think it’s a good idea for a group gathering, yet, a group gathering is planned.  Mayhem ensues right as the show’s hour comes to an end.  Lather, rinse, repeat for a season…

Tami Roman continues her deep conversation with her mother.  Her mother is very emotional, and she admits that she too was molested as a child and she’s been going to therapy as well to work through her issues.  The pair seems have a breakthrough which ends in hugs and tears.

Royce Reed is thrilled that Dezmon Briscoe, her NFL playing beau from Tampa Bay, is visiting in Miami.  She immediately begins grilling him about his initial meeting with her father.  I can’t tell if Dezmon is flattered or scared when she begins to compare their relationship to her parents’ forty plus year marriage.  He admits that he is deeply in love, but he also has a lot of “we’re going with the flow” talk.

Tami is excited that Shaunie O’Neal is in visiting because it gives her the opportunity dish on Kenya Bell’s music video.  Tami is disappointed that Kenya didn’t stick up for herself, but she also wishes Kenya could see the importance of listening to constructive criticism.  Both women do a spot-on interpretation on Jenn Williams, who was uncomfortable at the video screening, and it segues into how all the women will behave when they head to the horse races.  Last year, Tami had her own screaming match at the track, so she’s curious to see if they ladies can act maturely.  Sure.  Tami is also concerned, in light of Jenn and Royce’s new truce, if Jenn will change her tune towards Royce if she makes up with Evelyn Lozada.

Evelyn meets with her friend/assistant Nia who also used to be close with Jenn.  Nia is upset that someone she was such good friends with can now pretend like she doesn’t even know her.   Evelyn feels badly that Jenn has hurt Nia’s feelings so badly.  Evelyn vows that is she is around when Nia wants to confront Jenn, she is going to stay out it.  Yeah, I can’t wait to see that happen.

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Week five on Dancing with the Stars was Latin Week.  The contestants stepped up their game this week.  Some teams hit it out of the park, while others fall flat.

Jaleel White and Kym Johnson are up first, dancing the samba.  Jaleel’s abs alone deserve some sort of trophy.  Len is overjoyed at their rhythm.  Up next is Melissa Gilbert and Maks doing the salsa.  It’s still not clear exactly how severe Melissa’s injuries were last week.  During their dance, they’re doing several moves that look rough on her head and neck.  Maks hints that the injuries were exaggerated last week.  To me, Melissa seems as awkward as Jack Wagner was on the dance floor.  Bruno tells her to go with it, but reminds her again that she needs to show more control. Carrie Ann gives her credit for her increased confidence from week one.  The judges give them a 21.

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough bring the heat again this week with their salsa.  In rehearsal, Maria face plants during a move where she’s coming through Derek’s legs. She freezes there and is upset because she’s expecting that she’s a bloody mess, but there’s nary a scratch on her. After their dance,  Carrie Ann declares that their kiss was too much.  It should be about what you don’t show. And Len isn’t impressed with Derek taking his shirt off.  It felt forced.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas dance a hot Argentine tango.  Len says it had beauty and it was bittersweet.  Bruno loved the choreography.  They award them the highest score of the night so far: a 29.

Karina Smirnoff and Gavin DeGraw pick the samba.  Len dubs it a ‘Shamba’. Ouch.  They’re given the lowest score of the night: 19.  Unless the voters light up the phone lines, I think these two are doomed tomorrow night.

William Levy and Cheryl Burke do the tango and it’s hot and perfect.  Carrie Ann needs a bucket of ice after their dance, calling William the Latin dancing James Bond.   They tie Katherine and Mark’s score of  29.

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus do a sweet samba and the judges praise her stage presence. 

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower knock it out of the park, as do Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd with their Argentine tango. Donald says he analyzes each dance like a football play.  Len praises them for their lifts and Bruno gushes about the sexy build up of their dance.

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So, last night was the first segment of the so-called “epic” Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. I have to admit, reunions are so hard to recap, because really I can barely decipher what the women are talking about and I usually have to watch on closed captioning; A) because there’s too much screaming and B) because I can never grasp the she said-from-she said through the screaming – particularly where NeNe Leakes is involved. That being said, NeNe’s slamming of Sheree Whitfield was epic indeed! The theme of last night’s show-down was apparently “finances,” specifically who has them and who doesn’t. And does Sheree really have several storage units full of furniture or did she steal that storyline from Kim?

Before we start recapping anything, let’s discuss my personal most shocking moment of last night’s spectacle. Sheree Whitfield of She by Shebroke announced that She by Sheree—her failed clothing experiment, that consisted of a fashion show with no clothes and the owing of $30,000 to Dwight Eubanks for photocopies—is staging a revival. As in, She by Sheree is not dead, but merely on hiatus and we can expect more where that came from. Is she serious? She by Sheree?! As in, worse clothes than Alexis Couture! As in, NO ONE ON THIS EARTH is buying them. Ok, now that I got that off my chest, let’s commence with this recap, shall we…

Last night opened with a fight to end all fights: do former strippers have the right to be disgusted by dildos? Are all former strippers supposed to be ok with the usage and discussion of dildos, ding-a-lings, and vajayjays? Are these women really and truly adults or is this a ruse Andy Cohen is attempting to fool us with before bringing out the real adult women?

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After just six weeks on the air, we bid farewell to the Shahs of Sunset! Last night’s episode had its fair share of personal growth, bad blind dates, and varied levels of douchiness.  (We’re looking at you, Sammy Younai)

Mike Shouhed and Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi head out together for a morning workout.  GG is apparently new to this exercise thing and leaves all of her jewelry on while attempting an intense workout.  When she’s finished, GG looks a little sweaty in her (nearly falling off every three seconds) jogging pants, yet her eye makeup is perfectly in tact.

Mike lets GG know that the two of them will never get together, despite the fact that he thinks she’d be a great catch for someone (once she gets her anger issues in check).  She’s determined to learn how to chill out and let things slide.  GG reveals that she hasn’t been on a date in five years.

Reza Farahan and Mercedes “MJ” Javid spend some time talking about their recent trip to NYC to see Reza’s dad.  Reza says the situation with his dad has helped him to grow and he isn’t taking crap from anyone.  Reza decides that since he’s found peace with his father, MJ should confront her mom, Vida.  Reza shares that MJ’s mom has treated her terribly the entire time that he’s known her and even goes so far as to say that he doesn’t think Vida loves MJ.  MJ doesn’t take that last bit very well and is irritated with Reza’s opinion.  I was feeling Reza’s friendship for MJ until he started ripping on Vida for constantly being critical of MJ’s weight and more.  Just two episodes ago MJ told us that Reza has given her hell about her weight for YEARS.  Pot meet kettle.

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On last night’s Celebrity Apprentice, both teams had to run improvisational puppet shows. Product placement department was really asleep at the wheel this week, since there was no corporate sponsor constantly being complemented. Ivanka Trump could barely bring herself to say “the executives” in the boardroom.

Since all shows on television now air on Sunday night, I’ll remind you that Lou Ferrigno was fired last week for only giving half of his usual “110%.” Lisa and Dayana shuffle back into the boardroom, Clay Aiken makes a snarky comment, which Lisa immediately overreacted to. Lisa, the woman who makes her living making fun of others, can dish it but certainly can not take it.

On this week’s task, Lisa Lampanelli elects herself as project manager in an attempt to finally win something, and Clay is shuffled over to Forte. Nice work, producers! Paul Teutul decides to manage this task, which is kinda weird. Aubrey O’Day would have been a shoe-in. Her hair alone is practically its own puppet!

Someone must have had a talk with Aubrey about her dominating ways because she decides to take a step back and let Paul run the show. And, since this is a different universe, Arsenio Hall & Aubrey are cool with each other! See what happens after you call your teammate a “See you next Tuesday!” You become friends afterwards. Paul had an injury the day before they start preparing for the act, so he is basically useless. Both teams get a lot of training on this task, in both, actual improv and puppeteering. Teresa Giudice loves that the improv guys encourage not knowing what you’re talking about. Do I really have to write a joke here? You know what to do, commenters! Take this and run with it. You’ve been given a gift.

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