I have to say the first installment of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion was pretty low-key. There were some revelations, some serious bitchery, and there was Lisa Vanderpump holding court as the resident queen as Andy Cohen all but got down on his knees to laud her. There was a for-real fight over Lisa's affection, which I found truly amusing.
Things begin with Andy taking Adrienne Maloof to task in a verbal smackdown about how Adrienne's final act as a Housewife was one of defiance. Andy basically pointed his finger in her face and said: "Big mistake. Huge!" But Adrienne don't care. Once she got her walking papers she decided to give ol' Andy the final snub.
Andy makes all the ladies break down surrogate-gate and if they think Adrienne should have shown up to face her demons. The consensus is why go on reality TV if you have secrets. Yes, why indeed Rambles Richards? Why go on reality TV with secrets and then blame your castmates for outing them; claiming they have ruined your life? Good question!
This may sound a bit odd, but I've taken to thinking of Teen Mom 2 (actually the entire franchise) as MTV's personal Truman Show. It's not true, it's just the network's way of punking everyone everywhere. In fact, it's getting to be the only way I can rationalize these girls and their unapologetically abhorrent behavior (that includes you, Farrah Abraham!). It has to be some sort of joke or satirical take on modern society, right?
In my head, Jenelle Evans is using this as her doctoral thesis, and Leah Messer Sims Calvert is planning to use her footage to create a poignant yet ironic documentary on the importance of self-esteem and the teenage girl. Kailyn Lowry is working undercover to fix glitches in the family court that allow one parent to abuse the legal system just to get back at the ex who scorned them…she's good at her job, by the way. Finally, Chelsea Houska is having the last laugh, as she's actually fluent in eight languages (whining is the ninth!), and she's testing a scientific theory regarding how high pitched and nasally a voice must be before viewers press the mute button. Well played, ladies. Well played. Too bad my alternate Teen Mom universe is just one blogger's sad delusions.
So, let's get to last night's episode, shall we? Jenelle is recovering from her boob job, and she can't wait until she's fully recovered so she can spend some time with Jace. Sadly, that won't happen until the poor child is at least eighteen. Gary is taking good care of her, and Jenelle wants to talk about three things: 1) Kieffer; 2) what Gary thinks of her new ta-tas; and 3) Kieffer. Oh, wait… Kieffer has been texting Jenelle, and Gary isn't willing to lose his "career" to fight with such a loser if he decides to come visit. He'd rather get back to checking out Jenelle's new rack.
Last night on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale, Lisa Vanderpump's lovely vow renewal/housewarming party was infiltrated by some serious thugs in cocktail dresses.Adrienne Maloof showed up not six minutes after announcing her separation on TMZ and then she sat in the middle of the party like a centerpiece bawling about the marriage she openly hated on national television. If only that Paul Nassif wasn't such a desperate attention seeking jerk!
Everyone thought Adrienne's eleventh hour appearance was a cry for attention, except for Kyle Richards who believed it to be a cry for help since Adrienne couldn't answer her phone that day unless your number was 1-800-TMZ1!
And Faye Resnick. Yes, she's STILL there. Once Brandi Glanville and Yolanda Foster flee her admonitions of how to be a lady, they hide behind a column and fill Lisa in on the nonsense. Lisa is not impressed. Marisa Zanuck comes over to get clarification on what a hallpass is and the ladies manage to resolve their issues. Things go much better in the shade than they do the blinding sun; the blinding glares were reflecting off Faye's extra-taut skin giving everyone temporary insanity.
Faye is hereby dubbed MC for short. MC, of course, stands for Morally Corrupt. Long-live the real Camille Grammer, never a girl to mince words and never a girl who forgets to be pernicious. I do believe Camille's smirking S1 Dinner Party From Hell face is right next to the definition in the dictionary.
How quickly all good things come to an end! I had no clue that we are just one episode away from the season finale of Love & Hip Hop. Thank goodness. Basically, at this point, the show is only focusing on two tumultuous relationships and a potential prison term. Everyone else is just along for their five minutes of screen time every other week. You all know who I mena mean!
The episode begins with Raqi Thunda heading to Olivia Longott's performance in hopes of finding Tahiry Jose to apologize. She explains that Joe Budden wants her to mend fences, but after a half-baked apology, they are yelling at each other. Ahhh, maturity.
At home, Yandy Smith is snuggling with little Mendeecees and baby Amir while Mendeecees, Senior looks on happily. They share their engagement news with the little guy, and he's excited about having Yandy in the family. Sure, he's only seven, but VH1 made sure he was over the moon upon hearing the news. There is no doubt about it–Mendeecees produces some precious children.
Mariah, who thinks she was born to be on TV, clearly spends a lot of time watching reality TV and studying the mannerisms and catch phrases of other reality tv stars. If Tamar Braxton, Sheree Whitfield, Sheree Fletcher, Phaedra Parks, and Andrea Kelly (did I miss anyone?) got busy and made a baby, it'd be Mariah. It's Mariah's birthday, and she and her friends are going to have a fabbbbulous time because – you better check your email! – she's the queen bee. Mariah is married to emergency room physician Dr. Aydin Huq.
Kari (Holy puffy lips, Batman!) is the first one to arrive. Duh, says Mariah, because she's white. Kari is married to orthopedic surgeon Dr. Duncan Wells. "There are many different types of doctors," explains Kari. "But the most respected are the surgeons because they're playing with the big tools and they're bringing in the cash." Kari lets us know that her outward appearance doesn't come easy. It takes a lot of botox, collagen, and silicon work.
Love has an appointment with her neurologist. She was involved in a horrible car accident a few years ago, and she still suffers from pain as a result. Her doctor questions her headaches, temper, and memory loss, and Love is worried that she's getting worse. In fact, just the other day, she got into a fight with some girls in the bathroom at a club, and she has no recollection of shoving one of the women's faces in the toilet. No way. The neurologist believes she's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder after cracking her skull in the accident, and he urges her not to get in situations where her temper could be exacerbated and she could lose consciousness in a fit of rage.
Karen and Ramona are preparing to go back to Staten Island, and Karen is thankful that she was able to work things out with Dave and meet his girlfriend. She feels they made a lot of progress, and that will only be a positive step for Karina. Dave drops by to say good-bye, and he's pleased that the pair have opened up their lines of communication. Now Karen can focus on reopening her father's case.
Sabrina McKenzie visits Cori Davenport, who is friends with Kim Zolciak and Ashlee Wilson Hawn, to discuss possibly speaking to the youth who attend her gymnastics gym. Cori hopes that Sabrina will be willing to be a mentor of sorts to her students. Sabrina feels as if this is a phenomenal opportunity for her to share her testimony and give back.
Meanwhile, Kahdijiha Rowe wants to treat mom Sharlinda Parker to a shopping spree on Daddy Q Parker's dime. "You know I want something," Kahdijiha says. "I love you, Dadddy." Q cuts straight to the point, asking, "How much?" Kaddijiha asks for 10K – Q offers 8K and Kahdijiha pouts.
Next, we learn that Katie Davidson has invited Sabrina to lunch, and we all know it's not because she longs to spend time with a dear friend. Katie clearly has an agenda, saying, "I heard some ladies at the country club gossiping talking that Sabrina and Cori are becoming friendly. I felt compelled to be a bitch to give her a head's up about Cori, who might be taking advantage of preacher Sabrina, to bring some positive energy to her cheer gym."
Not positive energy! I hereby sentence Cori to death by stoning! Katie seriously needs toget over herself.
Last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was a total filler before the finale episode, which meant it was low on drama as Bravo lets us go into withdrawal in preparation for next week!
Things begin at Kandi Burruss' housewarming party where one furious former beauty queen is storming around, causing a tornado and unleashing the twirl of death. She's knocking over plants, tossing things at unsuspecting guests, laser eyebeams seeking her next victim as everyone cowers in fear hiding behind their wine glasses. It's only Kenya Moore, but that's like saying it's only the atomic bomb.
As Walter Jackson and "date" scurry out the back door, Kenya's mane of death is twirling faster and faster and faster while she screams "SECURITY!" until Don Juan is dispatched to guide this furious storm to the safety of the parking lot. There, her only victim may be an unsuspecting Bentley – its life cut perilously short by an enraged Miss TWIRL-S-A.
Kenya rants and raves about how Walter is stalking her and ruining all her social functions by showing up to intentionally destroy her. 'Get this Bentley out of my way Don Juan because I swear I'm about to pretend it's Walter and render it impotent. Oh wait – Walter is already impotent. Didn't you know?!'