Briana talks to Jacob, the boy, behind her mom's back. Cue the scene where Mom reminds Briana – not so gently – that she has baby baggage. So, the eyebrows have spoken, Briana is nothing more than a girl with a baby. Proceed directly to the coven. Don't call Jacob. Don't collect $200.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was brought to us by Lea Black's boobs. Was it me or were they borderline popping out in every scene? Did she pay a visit to Dr. Boob God recently?
Other than that, Joanna Krupa had a meltdown and threw a soap opera bitchfit which included kicking Lisa Hochstein out of her wedding party. And Lisa cried and whined and meddled and stirred the pot. Really, Lisa needs a hobby. Maybe crochet?
Lea is creating The World of Lea Black which includes patenting that laugh and every time you open a Lea Black box it bursts out. She's creating handbags and writing books and skin care crap. I really don't know, but I guess it's a full-fledged industry in fabulosity. More power to her because at least she was doing this pre-Housewives so it's not just some schleppy storyline to give her a purpose on the show. Apparently it's a "movement".
Don't lie. You've missed the crew from Love & Hip Hop. Yeah, I know. I couldn't type that with a straight face any more than you could read it with one. With the Basketball Wives reunion kaput, VH1 treated us to the season premiere of a more yawn-inducing version of the feisty L&HH: ATL. While I'll try to reserve my judgment, I don't think that K. Michelle can save this sinking ship any more than the newbies. It's not that I don't like Yandy Smith and Mendeecees Harris, but they are almost too likeable. I didn't believe Rich Dollaz and Erica Mena's relationship was anything more than camera candy, so I never invested much thought in them, and don't even get me started on the dysfunction that is Tahiry Jose and Joe Budden. So, about that reservation of judgment promise…I'm not doing so well, eh?
With the Medicine Man still incarcerated, Yandy has continued to take Little Mendeecees during his dad's custodial times. Both she and Mendecees have decided to tell the boy that his father is serving time…in the army. I don't even have the chance to type how adorable this child is before Mona Scott Young goes and throws a curveball…she is totally exploiting Little Mendecees by having him share a secret with his soon-to-be stepmom. He reveals that he has known his dad was in jail for months.
Last night was the event you've all been waiting for with baited breath. Yes, that's right. NeNe Leakes finally walked down the aisle and married her groom Gregg. Again. Thanks, Bravo, for treating us to two full hours of I Dream of NeNe. Two hours, really? I kind of wish you had dragged out her nuptials even longer. I do wish I'd played a drinking game with myself though and taken a sip every time some famous face was shown. I mean, in the first five minutes of the finale, NeNe lunches Vivica Fox while Gregg hangs with groomsman Al Reynolds! On second thought, I'd probably have gotten too drunk to type this…
Gregg is being fitted for his tux, and he's super nervous to learn that his suit won't be completed until the day of the wedding. What is with these Bravo wedding specials leaving everything for the last minute? It's been in the works for ages! NeNe is also helping her ill prepared aunt shop for something to wear to the wedding, as she arrived in Atlanta with nary a dress. Jennifer Williams is along for the ride helping NeNe with some last minute details with her family. Gregg bows out on his fitting to go meet Tony to check on the venue. The ballroom looks like a construction site as Tony and his team prep to hang 60,000 crystals from the ceiling. Somewhere, Spencer Pratt just got really excited!
The family is all coming together for a low-key celebration dinner, and it's nice to see NeNe and Gregg's adult children finally getting along. Gregg is precious with his step-granddaughter. Brentt seems thrilled at the prospect of a better relationship with his half-siblings, and NeNe feels content that all of the children have all come together. The following day, NeNe is spending time with her oldest son Bryson. She wants him to walk her down the aisle, but given that he's on crutches, she doesn't want her dress to get ripped. During their conversation, NeNe is sidelined by an e-mail from her father bailing on her big day. She can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call her.
Well hello, Wayne! We missed you last week! His wife Myesha is hanging a poster of herself in his office, and she's hosting a tea party for pastors' wives. She wants to create a community of first ladies in the church. Not shockingly, all of the prosperity preachers' ladies are on guest list, although Myesha is on the fence about Noel's "friend" Loretta. You know, because Noel claims she's just a friend, yeah he claims she's just a friend (Oh, baby, you…you got what I nee-eed). Meanwhile, Ron is shoe shopping with some gang members to get them some proper church shoes. He wants Rick Dogg to see that there is so much to living running the streets.
Last night on I Dream Of NeNe, "bridemaid" drama continued between Marlo Hampton and Diana Gowins, except Diana got the memo loud and clear that she better shape up and get on Team Worship NeNe Leakes! The ladies also traveled to Cancun for NeNe's bachelorette party. Of course no one behaved accordingly.
Things started out fine. In the van from the airport everyone was joking around pretending to smoke twizzlers and then deep throat them. Marlo excelled in that arena. Once they arrived they discovered a soccer team was sharing their resort which was fine for some of the ladies, namely Dawn!
The jollies continued as the ladies participated in the nipslip olympics. First was some sort of pseudo surf waves which caused Jennifer Williams (I forgot how lovely she is) and Diana to lose precious small bits of bikini coverage over and over again. Thank you for blurry modesty bars. From the sidelines the other ladies cheered and snickered. Diana is really working overtime to prove she isn't the "president" but merely a humble servant. And she's fun too!
Did anyone think NeNe installed some sort of zapper in Diana and whenever she didn't follow the rules NeNe shocked her? She had a personality 180 this episode…
It's Briana's 18th birthday. Mom agrees to watch Nova overnight so Bri can hang with her friends at a hotel. Briana, in all her socially awkward glory, plans to go clubbing behind mom's back. Mom and Brittany talk about Bri's big night out ad nauseam. Brittany thinks Briana is too irresponsible to be out all night on her own, yet she gifts her with $50 to have fun. Plus she put money aside for Nova's diapers for the week. Best nanny ever!
Matt McCann calls Alex to report that his stint in rehab is coming to an end. He's doing really well, and when given the choice to either come home or go to a halfway house, he chose halfway house. He worries he'll fall right back in with the same crowd if he comes home too soon, however, he plans to use a day pass to visit Arabella on her birthday. Alex happily supports Matt's decisions.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about family matters – and twisty, curvy, convoluted family dynamics!
It turns out Romain Zago has more than a childhood shrouded in negligent parenting as neither of his parents could give a fig about attending his wedding to Joanna Krupa. Scared of Joanna? Even worse – Romain's brother, the supposed best man, is iffy about whether or not he'll attend. Maybe they can do Skype nuptials? Joanna feels that's what they get for waiting six years to set a date. Nevertheless it made her really appreciate her family (maybe she'll stop ball-busting Marta. I mean she's finally stopped ball-busting Romain!).
It also makes Joanna understand that she truly is the only family Romain has. Better get to reproducing – or she's probably saving that for next year's storyline (if they get renewed, that is)! To celebrate their love, Romain is surprising Joanna with a romantic evening. First he rips up the prenup they were planning to sign (love, Housewives style!) then he rents a yacht and has a puppy waiting on board. Joanna is in heaven. I'm just happy Joanna found someone willing to put up with her. Better Romain than Marta – or me!