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Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.

Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?

NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.

And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared…  She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.

Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.

Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal,  shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!

Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….

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Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice opened up on Awkardville, aka the terrified remaining team members with a ranting Arsenio Hall. Everyone looked like they wanted to avoid Arsenio’s gaze. Everyone except for Lisa Lampanelli, who finally found an outfit that looked flattering (It’s 2012. There are amazing plus size options everywhere. Look into them!). Hilariously, the self-proclaimed insult comic had a problem with Arsenio’s choice of insults for Aubrey O’Day. She yelled at Arsenio that he was about to ruin his image and career and that “every woman in America would hate him” after watching his tirade.

In his talking head, Arsenio recognized how ridiculous it was that Lisa of all people should be upset with his word choice, but on the other hand, Arsenio’s anger towards Aubrey seemed way out of line. In the war room, the team decides that from now on, the team follow Teresa’s lead to avoid future problems. Who woulda thought, Teresa Giudice would be the sanest person in a room? Lou Ferrigno and Dayana Mendoza come in from the boardroom and Lisa once again, does nothing to hide her disgust. She tells Penn Jillette that from now on, the two of them will be carrying their team. She’s not exactly wrong there.

The product placement this week is for entertainment.com, a company that no one can seem to refer to with a straight face. The teams have to produce 60-second commercials for the company. Dayana steps up as project manager for Forte and Teresa decides to manage Unanimous. Aubrey makes her return and she and Arsenio have something resembling an adult discussion, and Arsenio even comes close to apologizing, blaming his emotion on the charity work, both for his old friend Magic Johnson and his “cousin from Cleveland” who recently died of AIDS. They both agree to move on.

While a part of me is rooting for Aubrey, it was a huge letdown to see her make fun of Teresa in her talking head spots, especially after Teresa saved her in the last boardroom. Everyone knows Teresa should have brought Aubrey in, and didn’t due to their friendship/alliance, so watching Aubrey take down Teresa was too much. It just confirms what Arsenio said: it’s Aubrey’s world, and it’s all “I, I, I.” Unanimous ends up having a very peaceful week working, and they even blame Arsenio’s outburst for getting all the anger out into the open, but moving past it. This is just to grown-up for me!

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Last night’s episode of Shahs of Sunset gave us a glimpse into Reza Farahan’s daddy issues, Sammy Younai’s creative math abilities, and Golnessa “GG” Gharachedaghi’s aversion to poor people’s clothes.  Also, what happens in Vegas comes back to haunt you, repeatedly.

The episode starts out with GG and Asa Soltan Rahmati taking a stab at being friends.  Asa decides she wants to expand GG’s horizons (in case daddy really does cut off her credit cards?) and takes her to her favorite resale clothing boutique, Decades.  GG admits that she’s not a fan of vintage clothing and says that you just can’t get rid of the stench from “used clothing”.  In GG’s world, vintage = peasant rash.

ASA and GG dish about Mercedes “MJ” Javid’s rude behavior, showing up three hours late for the party GG threw for her parents’ 40th anniversary.  GG is happy that Asa agrees with her that it was disrespectful.  MJ was right last week, the wrath of GG IS coming.

We get to meet Reza’s mom! He explains how hard she worked and gave him unconditional love after his dad left. Reza talks about his upcoming trip to NY to see his dad for the first time in several years.  His mom brings out some pictures from Reza’s childhood.  Reza’s mom was Muslim and his dad was Jewish, which was a scandalous relationship at the time.  His dad had to convert to Islam and his family was furious.  Reza’s parents never stood a chance because they had so much pressure coming from both sides of the family.

Over at GG’s condo, she and her friend Tahira get ready for girls night.  Here comes the crazy! You know Girls Night in GG’s hood is code for Golnesa Gone Loco up in someone’s face, at some point in the evening.  GG vows that won’t be the case and if there’s any sign of impending drama, she swears it’ll be the end of her night.  She doesn’t put that in writing.

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Last night’s American Idol elimination had the remaining eight contestants worried about their fate after a night filled with eighties tributes.

Ryan Seacrest approaches Joshua Ledet who had been feeling faint.  He seems very thrilled to have his health issues highlighted on the live show.  Ryan announces that JLo is introducing a new, sexy video.  He questions whether Jennifer had some sort of connection with any of the back-up dancers.  A blushing JLo pleads the fifth.  Oh, Idol…you’re so coy!   A sneak peek of the video reveals that it is very desperate sexy.

Not letting go of the fact that Joshua is sick as a dog, they show a video of a pre-school class in Vietnam wishing him luck.  Huh?  Last night’s results are based on duet teams.  Joshua is strong enough to make it to center stage with Jessica Sanchez.  Joshua sang “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” to rave reviews from the judges.  Jessica channeled Whitney Houston with “How Will I Know.”  Steven Tyler calls her (and her voice) absolutely “beautiful.”  Jessica fumbles, telling the crowd she doesn’t have a voice for eighties music.  Both are safe.

The Wanted, a British pop group, is introduced and makes quite a debut.  I like this song…I didn’t know they sang it!  However, enough is enough, let’s get back to the results!  Skylar Laine and Colton Dixon are the next pair in the hot seat.  Skylar belted out a country version of “Wind Beneath My Wings” and Randy Jackson called it her best performance to date.  She received a standing ovation.  Colton sang my favorite Cyndi Lauper ballad “Time After Time” and I loved it.  Jimmy didn’t agree.

Ryan wants to keep the anticipation high, so he calls Hollie Cavanagh and DeAndre Brackensick to the stage with Skylar and Colton.  Hollie flashed back with everyone’s favorite Flashdance theme, singing “What a Feelin’” and I wish I had on a cut-off sweatshirt.  The judges didn’t love it.  Perhaps, I loved the song more than her rendition, but you have to admit, it’s a fab, open your sun-roof and sing your head off song.  On the other hand, Jennifer loved DeAndre’s version of the El Debarge hit.  I concur with Jimmy on this one…the judges loved him, but I found it mediocre at best.  But his mediocre is better than I’ll ever be!  Unfortunately, he finds himself in the bottom three, and Hollie joins him.  Both Skylar and Colton are safe.

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Last night’s Survivor was a tad boring, if I do say so myself.  I can’t keep up with legitimate, semi-legitmate, and totally false alliances.  Who knew I’d be wishing Colton Cumbie was around to liven up this purely strategic mess?  I take that back…I’m glad he’s gone, but the remainder of this season is going to drag.  I usually have someone I am rooting for by this point, but…

The merged Tikiano is back at the beach after tribal council.  Troyzan and Model Jay are sad to see Jonas go.  Troyzan knows that the men’s former alliance has been upset by some of the guys’ loyalty to the Salani.  After a discussion with Jay, the two men seem to be back to the boys versus girls mentality.  The pair finds a message in a 7 Up bottle as tree-mail.  From the cryptic letter, it seems the winner of the reward challenge will get their fill of the un-cola.  #productplacement

The reward challenge involves each member on the chosen tribes to go down a super steep water slide and then head into the ocean to retrieve boxes that will ultimately be connected as a puzzle.  The winning tribe will be whisked to a 7 Up oasis…only Jeff Probst could make that sound so sexy.  The winners will partake in barbecue, burgers, key lime pie, and, of course, all the 7 Up they can drink.  To whet the teams pallets, each player is given a taste of the citrus beverage.  It’s “school-yard pick” as to who is on which team.  The first group is Jay Byars, Kat Edorsson, Troyzan, Alicia Rosa, and Chelsea Meissner versus everyone else…except Tarzan.  He wasn’t picked.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.

Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.

Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!

I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!

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Last night was the premiere of the first Dance Moms‘ spin-off, Dance Moms: Miami.  We are introduced to Victor Smalley and Angel Armas, owners of Star Dance Studios in Miami, Florida.  I am curious to see if they will be as horrible as Abby Lee from the original Dance Moms, but from an overview of the upcoming season, they seem to be reserving the insanity for the moms.  Good call.

Victor and Angel are quick to point out that they would never put up with these crazy-a$$ mothers if it weren’t for their sweet and talented children.  Victor is the good cop to Angels’ stricter bravado.  Sammy Small and her mother Abby are new to the studio, but they aren’t new to Debi Epstein and her daughter Hannah.  Sammy and Hannah danced together when they were younger, and Sammy, who has grand plans to be the next Hannah Montana, apparently wasn’t the nicest to Hannah.  Abby thinks people are just jealous of her family’s wealth and talented children.  Perhaps, although Abby’s husband doesn’t seem to keen on spending on his “wealth” on his daughters’ dancing.

Victor’s mother, Mayra Smalley, runs the studio and is challenged with corralling the moms. Victor and Angel have a “list” where they rate the dancers’ performances, based on their own opinions, not how well they did in competition according to judges’ scores.  Debi is floored to see Hannah at the bottom.  An adorable Lucas Triana, is on the verge of tears when he’s told his cuteness will only get him so far, and ends up next to last on the list.  His mother Brigette, thinks her nine-year-old is winning multiple competitions should grant him a better place on the list.  Oh, and she also touts herself as the resident dance mom b!tch.  Good to know!

Kimmy Kopke is third on the list for her inability to memorize choreography, and new girl Sammy scores the second spot much to Debi’s eye-rolling and chagrin.  The coveted top spot belongs to Jessi Kennedy.  Her mother Susan is going to be a spitfire, mark my words.  The troupe prepares for an upcoming competition, and Victor gives them a pep talk.  Jessi scores a solo, and Lucas and Kimmy will have a duet where the young pair will be competing against twelve-year-old dancers.  Hannah is saddened to learn that she will not have a solo this week.

The routine for the competition is “jazz funk.”  Bring it!  The moms are kicked out of the studio while Victor teaches dark “Miami-fusion” style choreography to the students.  In the moms’ holding room, newbie mom Abby asks for the lowdown on Victor and Angel.  Both Brigette and Kimmy’s mother Anicia Guttierrez can’t hide their smugness.  Debi jumps in to talk about how strict this studio is compared to the one Sammy used to attend.  Abby agrees that it must be, as Hannah seems to be dancing a bit better than the last time Abby saw her.  Mee and yow.  Brigette finds it hilarious as Abby and Debi rattle off their daughters’ impressive dance resumes.

Debi admits that she is far more competitive than her daughter.  She cannot wait until Hannah is a superstar and shows up Sammy.  Does Debi realize she’s jealous of a tween?  Debi blames Victor for not giving Hannah a solo or a duet.  Victor divas up to Debi after she accuses him of casting Sammy when she hasn’t paid her dues at the studio.  He sashays away leaving Debi fuming.  I already like this show so much better than the original!  When Susan questions Debi about the altercation, she curtly replies she doesn’t want to talk about it.

We learn that Jessi is uber-competitive and wants to win at all costs.  We also learn that Jessi’s grandmother was a ballerina in Colombia.  A bit more history?  Her mother Susan didn’t quite make it as far in the dance world as she would have liked.  Shocking…her mother’s a famous dancer, and now her daughter lives to dance, admittedly to please Susan.  Lifetime, you also may have a movie of the week with this one.

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Last night’s 16 and Pregnant introduced us to Briana DeJesus, a Brooklyn teen who now resides with her mother and older sister in Orlando, Florida.  She graduated a year early from high school and is looking forward to starting college in the fall.  She and her former boyfriend, Devoin, decided to keep the baby, although the couple soon ended their relationship.  Even harder?  Her sister Brittany got pregnant at the same time and decided to have an abortion.  Briana reveals to her friend that they pair didn’t use protection, because it was too awkward to talk about – you know what else is awkward…having everyone up in your business for nine months.  Teens say the darndest things.

Both sisters seem almost envious of the others’ choice.  Briana has no support from her baby’s father, but she feels like she is flaunting her pregnancy in front of her sister.  Brittany claims she chose abortion after seeing how hard it was for her sister, and she promises to go out and have fun while Briana is stuck home with her baby.  However, Brittany can’t change the choice she made, and she admits that it is hard for her to watch Briana’s pregnancy progress.  Mother and daughters share a tearful moment.

Devoin hasn’t spoken to Briana in over a month, but she still holds out hope that he will be there for their daughter.  Her mom agrees to allow him to spend the night a few times a week to help, but she has no intentions of turning into his personal hotel.  Seeing as Devoin won’t return Briana’s calls or texts, she may not have anything to worry about.  She discusses baby names with her mother, who quickly rules out Bliss, as it sounds too much like a stripper name.  Briana is leaning towards the name Nova.

Briana, Brittany, and their friends have a fun time making t-shirts, with Briana decorating hers with stars and the word Nova.  She texts Devoin about naming the baby.  Briana has made up her mind about Nova, and Devoin thinks he should at least get a vote.  She says she will let him choose the last name…but if Devoin wants Nova to have his last name, he’s really going to have to step up to the plate.  Devoin is not keen on getting a job to assist with the baby.  He feels like he’s being forced into finding work.  Doesn’t Briana know how stressed out he is?  Devoin is very indifferent to his ex-girlfriend’s tears.  D-to-the-ouchebag!

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