This episode of Game of Crowns brought us back to the pageant-prep circuit. Leha Guilmette serves Lynne Diamante with a cold hard restraining order, Vanassa Sebastian gets a clean bill of health, and Lori-Ann Marchese convinces her husband that fitness and pageants are more important than having babies right now, thankyouverymuch. While we’ve barely recovered from Lynne’s 15th wedding a-la-gargoyle, onward and upward we must go, my friends!
Susanna Paliotta and Lynne are ready to be crowned as the next Mrs. Rhode Island U.S. and Mrs. Massachusetts U.S., respectively. These are the titles they won through the mail, according to Vanassa’s intel. Susanna shows up looking like she got caught in one of those toilet-paper wedding dresses that brides-to-be get at their showers, except it’s pink, while Lynne is wearing her best crushed velour. Susanna interviews that the Mrs. United States pageants are the Princeton of pageants. I’ll just let that sink in a moment. Lynne addresses the fact that she and Susanna DID mail in a fee and an application for the titles they are about to receive, so I guess Vanassa wasn’t off the mark on this one. The ceremonial crowning takes place in a wood-paneled back room of an IHOP and the audience consists of twelve hapless sad sacks who mean mug the ladies during the entire shebang. Princeton has really gone downhill as of late.
So Poison is in the garbage business. It’s not the type of garbage business you might think – like producing garbage songs for a wife who can’t sing or calling his sister garbage on national TV, but he actually bought some big garbage truck to recycle documents. Melissa wants to give the truck a makeover so it stands out and they get more attention for their business. Melissa suggests putting wings on the truck. And the slogan, “Going green gives you wings.” First of all, she stole that from RedBull. Second of all, I don’t know why she didn’t just glue some Melissa Gorga jewelry on it and blast “On Display” from the speakers while it cruises around town. Better yet, old J. Faux could dance on top of the truck! Third of all, what does the leasing agent from a car dealership have to do with Joe’s trash business?
On this week’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, we open to nanny Lana prancing around the house listening to motivational recordings about how to love yourself. Once she steps into the kitchen (aka the lion’s den), where the Biermanns are enjoying lunch, she is inundated with comments about how she needs to get her butt out there and start dating. Lana is nervous because her last date didn’t go over so well with the guy taking his teeth out and all. Dear lord, Kim Zolciak needs to get Lana on Instagram ASAP.
Later that week, they are outside decorating her home for an intimate baby shower (consisting of Kim’s family and her staff, a little weird, but I’ll roll with it) for her dear friend, Jen. They briefly flash pictures of Kim and Jen from back in the day and I hope Kim posts more of them on her Instagram/Twitter feed! Kim attempts to convince Jen to get her placenta into pills to prevent PPD and it’s a tough sell for Jen. However, when she finally delivers, she eats the placenta smoothie and yum! She thinks it’s delish. Does this actually work?
On last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, the Biermanns are back from Spring Break and hanging out in the kitchen discussing Ariana’s obsession with a shirtless Justin Bieber and Brielle quietly announces that she has cheerleading tryouts coming up. Kroy Biermann practically spits out his Gatorade and calls her bluff. Brielle is serious though you guys! She wants to spruce up her resume for college. Forget debate team or serving food at a soup kitchen those are like soooo lame. Even Kim Zolciak eyeballs her like she is nuts.
Lana, the nanny overhears this nonsense and immediately busts out splits, a la Joe Guidice style to everyone’s applause. Newsflash, Brielle is as flexible as bamboo. Brielle is screwed. So screwed in fact, Kroy bets her 1,000 hours (did he say dollars? I hit rewind like 12 times and couldn’t tell if it was hours or dollars. I’m sticking with hours.) of work as his assistant if she quits. She agrees and game on!
As the tail-end of the reunion, the drama was lackluster as all the mini-feuds were unscabbed and reargued part deux. At the center of most of the messes is Aviva Drescher. Among her many issues, she insists she was paying Carole Radziwill a compliment when she said, “At least I’m not 50 years old…” during their bookgate argument. Apparently in the convoluted twisted land of Avicious’ mind saying that someone is 50 and alone is a compliment, because she actually thought they were older. Ramona Singer, tact police, tut-tuts that even in a pinot-laced haze she knows that’s no compliment. That’s Aviva’s MO, to make a nasty comment and then claim the other person misconstrued it and she was actually trying to say xyz…
Avicious‘ other MO is to drop classicist epithets. Last night’s recipient was Heather Thomson. Aviva is appalled by Heather’s use of the phrase “mother f–ka” because Aviva says it sounds “gangster” and Heather did not grow up in the ghetto – nor has she been to prison. Apparently those are the only places people learn such language. Which confuses me because didn’t Aviva tell Kristen Taekman to “shut the F–k up“? Was Aviva in prison unbeknownst to us? She should be! Or perhaps Vassar was teaching a Ghetto Language Course? Needless to say Heather is offended by Aviva’s ignorance.
Last night’s Dance Moms starts off on a high note…for once! After succeeding in the group number against the Candy Apples, the girls gather in the studio. Gino is a distant memory and will go down in ALDC history as the kid who made perfect Maddie lose a duet. Poor kid. Maddie is absent because she’s in Los Angeles recreating her Chandelier video on Ellen. Have you seen it? It’s almost creepier than the actual video because Sia spends the entire time refusing to show her face and singing in a corner. Of course, that makes me love her and the song even more, and Maddie is quite the talent. If only Abby Lee Miller would stop trying to pit her against her friends…
Shockingly, Maddie is on the bottom of the pyramid for her absence, followed by Chloe for her fall. At least she gives her a tiny bit of credit for continuing on like a professional…a smidgen of credit if you will. Nia takes the spot after Chloe because, you know, Nia isn’t a ballerina as we’re reminded again, and again, and again. Newbie Sarah is the bottom of the next rung, much to Christ-y’s chagrin. MacKenzie is in second, although Abby calls her out from detracting from the number for being too short. Kendall is in the top spot (although, did you notice, there wasn’t a top of the pyramid?) for taking the piece so seriously.
The ladies are in Bali and things were supposed to be rejuvenating. They were if you consider that coconut water is practically on tap there, but the company was just as negative as always! We witnessed a two-pronged dinner fight, that went into several acts last night. Shakespeare would be so proud of our Bravo editors! Dinner Act 1 featured Tamra squaring off against Lizzie Rovsek over fashion backstabbing and birthday ditching. Tamra fled the table, which is a serious sign of weakness in the Housewives kingdom and it let Lizzie know that Tamra is vulnerable so she fortified her mutiny.
The next day there is a clear divide between the Old Guard (Tamra, Heather, and Vicki) and the New Gals (Lizzie, Shannon Beador and that silent one – Mute Wide-Eyed McPout Dumberson). The agenda is playing with monkeys, touring a temple, and shopping in the market. Old Guard is dressed to the tropical nines. Heather’s dress was fabulous; humidity does not exist in the carefully calibrated perfectly controlled world of Heather – is she some sort of Housewives superhero? The New Gals were in workout gear – Lizzie practically wore a bikini as Tamra sneered that booty shorts aren’t appropriate for a temple. Ironic considering Tamra was also wearing booty shorts. Luckily the temple was booty short prepared and forced them to put sarongs over their clothes.
If I were a method blogger, I’d have been smokin’ indo and sippin’ on gin and juice to prepare for this recap. Sadly, I have to settle for a glass of Three Buck Chuck, and the only thing smoking is leftover casserole that I burned for dinner. #Snoopfail
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Atlanta begins with Mimi Faust confronting Nikko about an article on Media Take Out that claims he’s married. She knows it can’t be true (it is, after all, Media Take Out), but she wants to be sure. Nikko doesn’t miss a beat when telling her that his marriage was a secret he planned to take to his grave. Um, what? He just wants to be honest. Mimi is too exhausted to cuss him every which way to Sunday. Nikko admits that he never planned to tell her, but he blames her for never asking him outright if he had a wife. Yeah, that’s totally Mimi’s oversight. As she storms out, he asks her to dinner. The man has some balllzzz.
Stevie J., Kirk Frost, and Tony are helping Benzino celebrate his last few moments as a single man. Going against the norm, the gentlemen decide to hit up a strip club for his bachelor party. As pole dancers make-out in Zino’s face for his amusement, he explains that he doesn’t need a pre-nup because he and The-The (I HATE that nickname) will be together forever. Benzino then announces that Stevie will be his best man. The following day, a very hungover Stevie is being yelled into consciousness by the Puerto Rican alarm clock. Joseline Hernandez can’t imagine why her husband would want to be in a wedding where he’s smashed the bride. When he tells her that he is heading to L.A. to record with Snoop Dogg, Joseline smells trouble.