Oh, Bachelor Pad, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways… right after I grab a loofah and scrub off the germs. I swear, just watching this show puts us all at risk of venereal diseases. Bachelor Pad 3 is summer TV at its finest, isn’t it?
As Chris Harrison welcomes us, I realize this puts me at five hours of Chris Harrison for the week. What has my life come to? Perhaps I can find some old reruns of Designer’s Challenge on HGTV just for fun. Thankfully, Chris shifts his focus from true love forever to smutty and disgusting seamlessly, so no time is wasted. Let the train wreck begin!
First,Emily Maynard‘s final four castaway, Chris Bukowski. Chris sits on his leather couch, wearing a jacket and shoes, reflecting on his heartbreak. Are we supposed to believe this is the exact minute Emily kicked him away? Chris “knows” going on the Bachelor Pad will help him move on from Emily. He mentions falling in love, also. He’s funny. Chris is looking forward to meeting Lindzi Cox.
Another season of the Bachelorette ends happily. (for now) Emily Maynard offers her final rose to entrepreneur Jef Holm. Jef proposes to Emily with a $90,000 ring. She accepts the ring – and Jef! Ricki joins her mom and new daddy after the proposal. Leading us right into the Bachelorette After the Final Rose special. Live this year… to bring us the “latest news” and “shocking secrets.” All lies. More likely, the decision to tape it live is to keep the end to Emily’s journey seemingly more secret and dramatic than it really is.
Speaking of drama, Chris Harrison promised us a dramatic finale unlike any other. I must have slept through those parts. Except for the lackluster proposal spot, it felt like most other Bachelor and Bachelorette finales. There have been more exciting and unusual finales. Once again, Chris Harrison lies. “The most dramatic something or other”… whatever, Chris. We’re on to you!
Chris Harrison gets right to it. When Emily comes on stage, Chris suggests she looks like she is in love. “I am!” says Emily.
Buckle up! Last night was yet another crazy episode of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. I am really going to miss these ladies when the season ends.
We start–where else?–with Joseline wearing the most ridiculous “outfit” for a photo shoot. She looks like a mermaid Beyonce in drag. There is a lot going on to say the least. Stevie J. arrives and he’s not feeling her ensemble. Perhaps he wants her to dress more patriotic like himself. He immediately goes off on her for texting his baby mama. She has a name! I mean, how hard is it to say, “Did you text Mimi?” Joseline calls Mimi Faust a b*tch, and Stevie doesn’t like her disrespecting his family. He storms out of the photo shoot. Joseline goes back to her posing.
Momma Dee and Shay meet for lunch. Shay knows she needs to tread lightly and get on Momma Dee’s good side so she can grow her relationship with Lil’ Scrappy. Momma Dee is very happy that her son is with Shay, and she warns Shay that she may have to check Erica Dixon at some point. She says they can either act like ladies or handle it with some gangsta sh**. I have a feeling Momma Dee hopes it’s the latter.
It’s finally here. The most amazing Bachelorette finale ever. (No, really, it might be true this time.) Who does Emily Maynard love more – Jef Holm or Arie Luyendyk, Jr.? Will Emily’s chosen one propose? Chris Harrison welcomes us to the three hour finale of the Bachelorette. (Three hours!) Grab a drink, a snack, and a box of tissues, because Chris promises good stuff. He better not be lying.
Emily‘s parents and brother are in Curacao to meet Jef and Arie.
First up, Jef! Suzy, Emily’s mom, asks Jef how his family feels about Jef looking for love on this crazy show. Jef’s family is skeptical, because Jef’s family is smart. But, of course, they were completely sold on the idea after meeting Emily. Suzy and Jef sit down for a chat. Jef wants to be a good husband and father. He’ll accept Ricki as his own. Jef wants to marry Emily, she completes him. Suzy thinks Jef is a good fit for Emily.
Emily’s brother Ernie is the next one to grill Jef. Jef asks Ernie if Emily is ready to settle down with somebody. Ernie says, oh, no, Emily does not settle. If Emily doesn’t feel right about it, it won’t happen. Jef thinks what he and Emily share is special. He’s excited about a future with Emily. Ernie thinks Jef’s intentions are good. Ernie loves that Jef talks like he’s reading greeting cards.
Jef is nervous about talking to Emily’s dad. Jef is mentally preparing to ask for Emily‘s hand in marriage. Jef wouldn’t feel right taking the next step with Emily without Dad’s blessing. Lucky for Jef, Dad isn’t a hard sell. He hands it right over.
On last night’s Big Ang, we were treated to house parties and dog shows, with a little emergency care mixed in for good measure.
Ang takes Louis to be groomed. He is adorable, but he turns into a little gremlin when they put the hairdryer on him. He’s trying to bite people left and right. Ang needs Louis to be a beautiful pooch because she’s planning to enter him in a dog show.
Janine was able to get Ang her dream house, but moving and Big Ang don’t get along. Lil Jen is helping her get settled, but her stuff seems to be multiplying. As Jen says, Ang has enough furs to start a zoo.
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey (brought to us by the Bravo Home Shopping Network) the ladies brought home the bacon while the menfolk sat around the kitchen table gossiping and snarking like old biddies. I applaud the progressive feminist nature of these industrious girls. Except for the one whose husband said he owned her. Yeah, that one needs to take a women’s studies class, stat!
So things begin with Teresa Giudice – or is Joodichee? Our favorite Jersian wordsmith has apparently, once again, forgotten how to pronounce her ever-shifting last name. Teresa’s newest venture is branding herself – I think she should start with having a consistent pronunciation of her own name, but that’s just my suggestion. “Branding” means adding Fabellini to her ever-expanding product repertoire. I swear Teresa makes up these words, Fabulicious, Fabellini, etc because she can’t actually pronounce any real words!
Teresa is in the car with Joe Goodouchée and they are headed to a vineyard, she thinks. Despite the fact that she is now in the wine making business, madame Giuhoochie has no idea where wine comes from or where one goes to taste wine.
Last week on Big Brother, Willie Hantz’s reign as HoH was a success royal mess. Not only did he manage to “embarrass” his coach Britney Haynes (Seriously, shut up, Britney!), he went The Shining levels of crazy paranoid, got messed up with a few lying snakes, and turned the entire house against him. Willie went from HoH to house pariah to Have Not faster than you can say, “Seriously, shut up, Britney!”
Willie‘s head of household ended with Kara being evicted from the Big Brother house by a vote of 5 to 3. Shortly after, Frank, Willie’s number one enemy, won the head of household competition.
Coach Janelle Pierzina convinced her team to vote against Kara. As long as Frank and Willie are going after each other, her players stay safe. Dan Gheesling thinks he’s still in a good position in the game, even though Kara was the second person from his team of three to be evicted. Frank, the new HoH, belongs to Mike Boogie Malin, so prepare yourself for a week of Boogie’s ego.
Nora is crying to the point that her make-up is running so she makes a quick exit. Renee is quoting Forest Gump. Christina can’t believe that none of the women are even slightly siding with Nora. Has she watched any of the episodes?
Pia decides to hash out the party antics with her fifteen-year-old daughter. Pia wants her daughter to hear their crazy family history before she hears it on the mean streets..or at school. Bella is very mature, but she sure didn’t need to hear that her mom punched someone in the face. Just let this poor girl navigate high school sans the drama! Pia is doing an ugly cry, but her daughter is a stellar and mature fixture. Should she get her own show?