As Andy Cohen exclaimed in an excited frenzy last night, "I love evidence!" So, too, do we. Which means the ladies of Real Housewives of Miami came packing with the accusations, the evidence, the wild slanderous statements, and one of the dirtiest reunion shows I've seen since Thou Show That Should Not Be Named But Has An Indicted Star And Lots Of Family Feuding. Don't want to wake the dead with that mention!
Anyway, back to the show of present. RHOM was vicious last night. Just the way we like it – crazy makeup, crazy hair, crazy girls, and tons of sequins flying out of their seats and and trying to deflect the even wilder accusations.
Everything starts out kinda OK, but then Joanna Krupa sort of slams Adriana de Moura's wedding and mentions several times that it was beautiful except for the lateness, inconvenience, lies, total disrespect for the guests, idiotic costume change, bitchy atrocious bride, and the whole no food or drink for hours thing. But the gown was gorgeous! You know all that stuff, but at least Adriana didn't look like a flamenco dancer and at least Adriana's husband wants to sleep with her so ziiing!
Last night things were starting to settle in on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everything that is except Carlton Gebbia who really cannot f–king deal with anyone and is over everything. Oh and Brandi Glanville's face – that's not settling either. She better watch it or she'll be turning into her arch-nemesis Adrienne Maloof!
Unfortunately the show began on a sour note. Poor Yolanda Foster is bravely taking us through her health journey battling Lyme Disease, which sounds horrible. I am seriously never going into the woods again. No, No, No!
Lemanda is undergoing surgery to remove a tube that sends antibiotics straight to her bloodstream and to celebrate she's doing a master cleanse instead of having a drink. I will never understand – pass me the alcohol! Gawd, do I sound like Brandi. #EpicFail. Even Yolanda's housekeeper is master cleansing and dividing all the lemonstrocity juice into a million Fuji bottles. Lemon does know how bad that is for the environment, right?
Well, what do you know? Promises were kept on last night's Love & Hip Hop…although said promises caused some major blow-ups. Peter Gunz assured Amina Buddafly that he'd tell Tara Wallace about their relationship, and he does. Nya wants to keep her word to help out Erica Mena. Of course, that will certainly end well–everything with Erica always does!
After thwarting Amina's plans to tell Tara about her wedding to Peter, ol' Petey boy calls up Rich Dollaz for advice. They are having a meeting of the creeps, but just because Peter is a creep doesn't mean he's a bad person. He's just indecisive as to who he wants to have sex with on a regular basis. Speaking of creeps, Joe Budden is meeting with Nya at the strip club. They've developed a true friendship as only a stripper and hookah smoking patron can be. Professor Budden tries to dissuade Nya from collaborating with Erica Mena, but I am totally distracted by the dancer in the background whose arse is literally about to eat some gentleman's face. Thanks for the nightmares, VH1. Thanks a lot.
Peter stays true to his word for once and keeps his "tomorrow" promise to tell Tara about Amina. He invites her to come by the studio and halfway tells her that he's been diddling his artist for a little while. When she gets upset about the fact that he's cheating (yet again), he says she may need to shoulder some of the responsibility since the pair hasn't been getting along. Is he serious? She's slapping him every which way to Sunday before throwing his guitar and storming out of the studio. Tara feels so stupid for thinking that Peter had changed his cheating ways…as she should!
Things begin with Miss WHO-S-A pageant waving as she leaves the courthouse after her eviction hearing. There's like 4 bored looking photographers standing around checking their watches as Kenya breezes out clutching her chest gasping, 'For meeeee?! Lil' ol' meeee?! Oh being famous… it's such a responsibility.' One of the photographers looks around and asks, 'I thought NeNe Leakes was gonna be here?' Jussst kidding, but you know Kenya called those paps herself and now she's trying to pretend she's A-list. Girl, that ship done sailed! She claims she won her eviction case.
Later she goes for drinks with NeNe to discuss their argument atCynthia Bailey's launch. Krayonce turns on those pageant tears to sniffle about how she has been displaced from her home and no one reached out like she's some sort of suburban refugee. NeNe shoots her a girl please look and reminds her that she's supposed to be a multi-millionaire producer, director, booty boosting guru, man-eating queen, so how can she be homeless? Kenya is like yeah, all that's true but I still need friends and none of you were there for me.
Love was in the air–or something was, at least!–on last night's Preachers of L.A.,Deitrick Haddon was reveling in newlywed-dom, while Noel Jones tried to figure out what keeps him from being the marrying kind. Wayne Chaney was worried about how his marriage would be affected if he made his wife his second-in-command at church, and Ron Gibson? He was just as smooth as ever! I can't say I missedClarence McClendon (I didn't), but I sure missed a second week without Jay Heazlip! Let's get started, shall we?
Noel is traveling all over the world, and Loretta is manages to pin him down for the few days that he's in L.A. She wishes that he was around to spend more time with her, but she's happy to help him throw his annual Fourth of July party. Loretta gets uneasy when she hears that the guest list consists of the ladies who lunch and like to interrogate.
Speaking of shindigs, Wayne is preparing for a family barbeque complete with both he and Myesha's grandmothers…even though his granny turns up her nose at eating the feast out of the aluminum containers. She also wonders what Wayne's grandfather, who started his church, would think if he heard Wayne complaining about being pulled in so many different directions.
The focus of the premiere is Lilly's self-indulgent 30th birthday party. She's the party planner of course – nobody loves Lilly as much as Lilly loves Lilly – and she chooses to exclude MJ after she fails to RSVP on time. This decision does not sit well with the rest of the group. Reza's terribly heartbroken. Supposedly.
Speaking of Reza, he's me, me, me right out of the gate. Reza complains about his hair turning white and his waistline growing round. So what's a successful Persian realtor suffering a midlife crisis to do? Go Porsche shopping of course!
Arabella's first birthday is just a few days away. Alex decides she'd rather Matt not come to the party – because he'll sulk when he has to share Arabella with others – but she welcomes him to one-on-one time with her on her actual birth day. Sadly, as of right now, Matt has not returned any of Alex's calls. His loss! Alex puts her baby daddy drama on the back burner to deal with her own daddy. She invites him to Arabella's party despite tension since she became a teen mom. He says yes.
Katie obsesses over Joey Maes. She complains non-stop to poor Molli and whomever else is willing to listen. Also? Katie fails to see that she's equally responsible for their breakup. Perpetual victim, this one. Everything is Joey's fault. She'll never be able to forgive him. Blah. Blah. Unless he wants her back, then maybe… probably… definitely. This girl needs a serious reality check and an ounce of self esteem. STAT.
Last nightJoanna Krupa made it down the aisle on Real Housewives of Miami, but not without some serious hijinks! Like oversleeping, missing her flight, and ending up on a cheeseball pseudo-dramatic roadtrip to San Diego with Lea Black driving like a bitch out of hell.
After the epic bachelorette party, Joanna leaps out of bed in full makeup only to learn that she's tragically late. She rouses the other girls, whose lack of artifice make me think that perhaps they really did over-sleep. Lisa Hochstein and Joanna have forgiven each other for their drunken whore-gument the night before. Lisa is passed out on the floor or something and has no recollection of storming off the party bus after humping the open bar. Which is for the best.
Everyone scrambles to get ready, choose the perfect accessories and 6" heels for travel, while Lea actually arranges said travel. They end up renting an SUV, getting stranded in the dessert when Fembot needs to stop to vomit up nuts, bolts, and silicone and Adriana de Moura attempts to pee against the wind in a flowy maxi dress and some serious stripper heels. Again, who wears that on a ROAD TRIP. It's called JEANS. Well at least everyone is having fun, not taking things too seriously, and joking about the drunken antics.