Last night was the second episode of Private Lives of Nashville Wives. The ladies continued to get to know each other and already the bitchy claws are coming out – southern girl style for some and full-fledged Real Housewife in training for others!
Cassie Chapman and her husband Gary have had their share of struggles – most notably their inability to have a child. The couple finally decided to adopt their daughter Eva Rose. Unfortunately birth mom Chelsea has ten days to change her mind and seems to be wavering. Cassie is on pins and needles, but Gary trusts faith and believes, "The more you anticipate the good, the better it will be."
To take her mind off the stressful situation Cassie decides to visit Erika Page White. Erika is a control freak and a micro-manager who invites Cassie over to tour their immaculate to the point of boring home. It is literally like one of those extended stay hotels except 4x the size. Everything is beige and bland. Even the master bedroom features rent-a-center style dullsville furniture and no personal touches. Erika describes "perfect" as a closet that is completely empty and "echos". Her hallway closet has one thing in it: a Dyson – and definitely NOT the purple Dyson Pet, the classic yellow for impeccably clean people.
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ousted Lisa Vanderpump from Puerto Rico and bonded over how awesome it is to have the reigning queen off the island. Temporarily they're all getting along until the jockeying for position resumes anew. I think it's safe to say Kim Richards is out of the running.
In Puerto Rico all the ladies meet for breakfast where Joyce Giraudhas dressed in what is in her approximation casual pageant gear. Aka, a maxi dress with sparkles and spangles that weigh more than she does.
I've never had more of a conflicting feeling when recapping a new show. On one hand, I couldn't wait for the train wreck that is Bravo's Southern Charm. On the other hand, it's a train wreck that's filmed in my backyard of Charleston, South Carolina. Okay, so maybe it's not technically my backyard because I am certainly not living South of Broad (anymore…I did rent a carriage house for two years in law school that was in the exclusive area blocks from the Battery, but it didn't have central air or any form of heat which made it less hoity-toity!), but this is a small town. Everywhere I went yesterday I heard people talking about the show with equal parts disgust and intrigue…which is exactly how I approached it! I do have to applaud Bravo for finally making dudes look like total d-bags instead of focusing on women who eat, sleep, and breathe drama.
And so it begins. In the opening montage, I see my office and my church. It's surreal, but I have a feeling it's something I'm going to have to get used to as the season progresses. I apologize in advance for being all "fan girl" over the city…not the participants in this debacle! Thomas Ravenel, the state's former treasurer, is just ridiculous. I'm going to have the hardest time not being horribly snarky when it comes to T-Rav. I once saw him making out at an oyster bar, and it was sloppy. Then he went to jail. As he's being introduced, co-star Whitney Sudler-Smith (who is also listed as an executive producer on the show…really, Andy Cohen?) does a spot-on interpretation of the name-dropping Southerner. T-Rav opens by reinventing himself on a radio show. Good times.
Last night on Couples Therapy, Dr. Jenn Berman and Dr. Mike Dow asked the four couples and one lone bird to "let out their past demons" by destroying a house. And the Couples Therapy Award for Disturbing Anger Issues goes to Jon Gosselin. This guy need serious help with anger management. Like, real therapy, not made for reality TV therapy.
Whitney says she tries to be sensitive to Sada's needs, but she wishes Sada would speak up if she's missing the mark. Sada says she knows Whitney's not a mind reader. However, she follows that with, but communication is reading your partner's cues and emotions. Oh Sada. Is there any hope for her? On a positive note, she does understand that she projects her issues onto Whitney.
Out of the blue, Farrah Abraham crawls into bed withTaylor Armstrong and John Bluher for a "bed shot" picture. You can take the girl out of the porn, but you can't take the porn out of the girl. Taylor plays along despite the fact that she hatesFarrah's guts. Because, cameras!
Okay. So, wow. Last night's Mob Wives reunion took a page out of the Shahs of Sunset debacle with a sit down dinner hosted by Sherri Shepherd. Big Ang is wearing a sequined hoodie that was definitely inspired by the great Whitney Houston's role in The Bodyguard. I really don't know what else to say. Sherri announces that the women have joined together to break bread instead of breaking tables. That's a plus.
Right off the bat, Sherri asks Alicia diMichele Garofalo about where her sentencing stands. Alicia reveals that because the restitution portion of her case has yet to be settled, the judge had to postpone her sentencing. We are then treated to highlights of the colossal beat down drama between Natalie Guercio and Renee Graziano. The women laugh that Ang, who gets along with everyone, was wary of Natalie, while Renee initially thought Natalie was her mini-me. I don't think I've ever seen a more hilarious video montage than one themed "Delicious." Renee calls the comment rude, and Sherri tries to impart that Natalie was trying to pay her beau a compliment. In no way does Renee think that Natalie was hitting on her man, but she finds the term incredibly disrespectful. Drita D'avanzo agrees, but not the extent that Renee does. Remind me that if I ever find myself at meal cooked by Renee to have a pocketful of synonyms!
Part two of the Shahs of Sunset reunion was not nearly as explosive as part one but there were a few moments worth discussing. So my favorites revolve around Lilly Ghalichi andMercedes "MJ" Javid's crazy mom Vida, but MJ saying that only Persians have to deal with responsibilities like working, caring for pets, cooking, and cleaning definitely deserves a shout out. What. A. Twit.
To kick things off,Andy Cohen revisits Reza Farahan attacking Sasha earlier this season. Reza claims he's sorry then starts in with his "woe is me" excuses. He says Sasha talking about the Iranian Revolution set him off, adding, "None of them can understand how that makes me feel – I am someone who suffered for 40 years because of the crap they did in Iran. My name is Reza and I look like this. My name is not Lilly. My name is not Mike. My name is Reza and I look like this. I am as Persian as Persian gets when you look at me."
Andy is like, how does that justify insulting Sasha? Andy insists FOB (fresh off the boat) is a hateful thing to say to someone. Reza and MJ disagree. MJ calls it mere teasing. Andy reminds them that Reza made fun of Sasha's accent also. Reza says, "Absolutely!" MJ adds, "It's really annoying." Two peas in a pod.
While everyone else appears to be growing up, planning for the future and attempting to compromise (albeit accompanied by hysterical sobbing), Jenelle gets stupider by the day. Instead of ultrasounds she needs a brainscan for this amazing condition she's developed of never being able to make a rational choice – EVER!
So let's start with Jenelle, shall we. Get your barf bag ready!
Jenelle just took a pregnancy test and it said "pregnant!". Babs is teaching Jace to count while Jenelle is scrutinizing the pregnancy test trying to count the lines – one is a very faint pink. Her friend Tori (of the bright red hair) is there to deliver the Come To Jesus lecture and help Jenelle decipher the test. As if Jenelle who's been pregnant as many times as Michelle Duggar can't figure this out. Maybe the second pink line is caused by the reflection of Tori's hair?
I am really having a hard time watching this mess. I can't even think of a witty introduction to last night's Dance Moms because I personally want to rip that bump-it out of Abby Lee Miller's hair every time she speaks. The girls have gone from fun-loving talents to terrified robots. Shame on her.
Abby, Melissa, and her daughters arrive in Los Angeles so that MacKenzie can get into the recording studio. What is Abby now? A pop star manufacturer? Abby wants to make sure that MacKenzie has the personality and energy to be a mini-Katy Perry. She interrupts the session to tell the poor girl that she is performing like Brooke, and that isn't a compliment. MacKenzie puts a little oomph into her singing, and Abby is finally seeing her star potential…at least one of us is. She and Abby head back to Pittsburgh while Maddie stays behind for a performance of her own.
With the start of the pyramid, Abby reminds the girls that she is looking for a dancer to be her Maddie when Maddie is off doing more important things…like a job in L.A. Nia is at the bottom because of her headpiece debacle, followed by Kendall. She's clearly the reason that her duet with Kalani didn't place first as Kalani and Maddie took the top prize in their duet. Of course, Kalani learns a bit about Abby and her fickle ways when she goes from the top of they pyramid to the bottom row. Chloe is third and praised for her duet Maddie, but she needs to work on her facial expressions. MacKenzie is in second for her brilliant work with the candy box in the group number. Christi wonders why MacKenzie is above Chloe after Chloe won both of her dances. Duh, Christi! The candy box! When Maddie is once again in the top spot, Jill scoff that it's predictable.