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On last night’s Basketball Wives: L.A., the ladies return to Los Angeles where things with Jackie only get worse. Gloria needs a break from her relationship with Matt and Laura gears up for her move to Orlando. Oh, and Kimsha returns!

Back on the mainland, Laura and Malaysia head to Imani’s house to get their “relaxation on.” Apparently my plans for relaxing (quiet time, maybe a massage) are far different from theirs… gossiping about Jackie. Malaysia reveals that Jackie has reached out to her and wants to meet with the group. Laura doesn’t ever want to talk to Jackie again, but Malaysia is worried. She believes that clearly Jackie is off her meds and may need some friends to help.

Shocking! As soon as Jackie runs out of friends, Kimsha Artest (who is in the weekly credits, but has been absent since episode two) resurfaces. She’s been “traveling.” The next few minutes present Jackie talking and talking while Kimsha’s eyes glaze over… Kimsha voices over the scene about how much she hates drama and how she’s having a difficult time following Jackie’s train of thought. I’m disappointed she didn’t get more air time… she seems to be about as real as it gets for this show!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kandi, NeNe and Cynthia have an all-girls weekend in Miami and I mean allll girls as it turns out to be lesbian pride weekend. Kim celebrates her 43rd 33rd birthday with a surprise party and Phaedra learns more about the mortuary business — like her husband Apollo is not down with owning a funeral home!

Kandi, NeNe and Cynthia are headed to Miami. Kandi is surprised she was invited since NeNe has never really liked her and all. NeNe probably thinks Kandi is on the outs with Kim over Tardy For The Party and is hoping to recruit her for Team N. Bravo gives us a little flashback of last year’s RHOA trip to Miami and it involved neck snappin’ and eyeball poppin’! When the ladies arrive at the incredibly posh hotel they are greeted with cocktails. My kinda place – and NeNe’s (she announces she lives for a cocktail)!

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On last night’s episode of Survivor, the two tribes try to live as one, while Cochran faces backlash for turning on one of his own. The Upolu gets a sweet treat and the Savaii continues to be picked off one-by-one.

Back at camp, Ozzy approaches Cochran about his “strategy.” Ozzy wants to understand his decision, and of course, Brandon Hantz Crazy Pants, or should I say Cochran’s new body guard, comes by to make sure his new friend isn’t being intimidated by big, bad Ozzy. Cochran assures BHCP that all is fine and Marijuana Jim pops by to tell his former ally that he’s a poor excuse for a man and he doesn’t ever want to talk to Cochran again. Mature. Cochran stresses his decision to vote off Keith wasn’t personal — it’s just about self — preservation. Ozzy reminds him that he went to Redemption Island FOR Cochran. Whitney also asks Cochran to remember the three different times she and Keith saved him from being on the chopping block.

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Is it me or is this season of Millionaire Matchmaker really dragging on? No pun intended, but between Mr. Drag Queen himself and Mr. Drag Personality, Patti had her hands full last night with her two millionaires. Surely this was filmed months before Patti’s controversy statements about gay men.

Patti is full of famous friends this season and tonight she meets with gossip king Perez Hilton who must be getting desperate for gossip since he now spends his time interviewing Patti Stanger and hosting the Bad Girl’s Club Reunion. Yet, he would be a fabulous millionaire (who actually has money) that Patti should set up!

On to the millionaires — Rachel introduces her client Jason Bross who is a shy businessman that has a career in healthy food on the go. He is always accused of being gay, but he insists he isn’t (thou protesteth too much?). Patti explains he needs a personality and that he is boring — which makes me ponder does Patti ever have entertaining clients? And to prove me wrong, Patti gives us the first ever drag queen millionaire!

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills dealt with both the past and future as Kyle hosted a séance, the ladies got their faces touched up and reapplied, and Kim finally confessed that she is moving in with her secret boyfriend, Ken much to Kyle’s shock!

Dr. Paul hosts a Night of Beauty at his plastic surgery office. Kyle wants to do a little laser muffin top removal. Kyle is excited, yet nervous about being subjected to the chub-munching octopus, but threatens to move into Paul’s office if it works. Paul tells her to relax and then the torture of lying there while some little red swirls dance across her mythical fat roll begins.

Lisa is wandering through the labyrinth of Botox and laser treatments looking for Kyle when she stumbles across Taylor. Taylor has snacks and is waiting with some sort of weird numbing goop smeared all over her face as she is prepping to get some new fillers in her cheeks. Lisa advises her to skip the procedures and go straight for the food, which is untouched. Taylor informs us that she has a “genetically thin face” and no matter how much she eats she always looks like Skeletor.

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Last night’s Basketball Wives LA picked up where last week’s drama left off…a whole lotta Jackie hatin’. With the ladies comparing notes on gossip the trip doesn’t go as smoothly as a relaxing trip to Hawaii should go, but hey, that’s why we watch!

Yeehaw! The tense group of ladies is heading horse back riding with a dry Draya executing knock-knock jokes about avoiding the drama. Jackie thinks the entire outing is fake. Her horse is very feisty. Draya keeps telling her that the horse can sense her bad vibe. Jackie does not find her humorous at all. All of the ladies, sans Jackie, are getting along and having so much fun.

Malaysia, the sisters Govan and Imani convene at the hotel for mimosas. Imani tells Gloria that her beef with Laura was based on Jackie’s twisted gossip and things between her and Gloria’s sister are cool. As if she could sense the women discussing her, Jackie walks in followed by Draya. Jackie immediately cuts through the small talk because she wants to rid the group of the mounting tension…but she seems very defensive.

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Oh, Real Housewives of Atlanta how I missed your crazy ways! It’s a new season… with the same intros? Bravo? What’s up with that!? On last night’s season premiere episode Kim prepared for her new life with Kroy and KJ, NeNe and Sheree got crazy, Phaedra found her new calling, Cynthia debuted The Bailey Agency and Kandi well… she was vibrating with excitement over a new business venture.

Things start out with a super prego Kim — and I think her wig is getting bigger as her bump grows — along with Sweetie and Kroy cleaning out her storage unit. Apparently, Kim and Kroy are moving into her dream home and she is planning to fill it with all the furniture Big Poppa paid for! While Kim sits in the car and drinks a slurpy, Kroy does all the heavy lifting. Kim seems happy yet warns Kroy he better not hurt his money maker hauling Big Poppa’s furniture around – she needs his booty to bring home those checks! She still can’t get over his booty either! Is Kroy a stripper or her boyfriend? Kim reflects on the differences between Big Poppa and Kroy: Big Poppa wouldn’t move a tissue, Kroy is a real man who lifts other man’s furniture, Big Poppa was married and Kroy isn’t, oh and Kroy’s ring is going to mean a thing! I missed Kim’s trashy!

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Last night’s Survivor was a show of solidarity…for a hot minute. The merge occurs between the two tribes just as predicted. Savaii’s plan works in that Ozzy beats off the unbeatable Christine, but that is about as far as it goes…his overacting doesn’t fool the Upolu for a split second, and Savaii’s double agent may be way too good at his job.

After the dumbest riskiest move in the history of the show, the folks at Savaii aren’t too keen on their recent decision. Cochran tries to say that he would have been willing to go to Redemption Island had Ozzy not stepped in with his grand plan. Keith pointedly says that he himself could never let someone else fight his battles. Someone asks Cochran if he’s comfortable being a double agent. He reveals in his interview that he can certainly pretend to like the Upolu as he’s been pretending to like his tribe since they arrived. Is someone a sore sport because his fellow castaways are missing Ozzy?

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