I am so confused as to what Lifetime is trying to pull with this season of Dance Moms. Not only has it lasted almost a decade already, but Abby Lee Miller bounces on and off the show like hyper kid on a trampoline! What is going on here?
Last night's episode began as Melissa busts into Abby's house and she's decked out in a bathrobe and a towel. Abby's mom isn't doing very well, and she may not make it to the pyramid again. Melissa shares that Maddie misses her dance teacher, but Abby is adamant that her needs come first (and I don't blame her with a very sick mother). As Abby shares her hardships, Melissa is in tears…but Melissa is promised that Maddie will be dancing a solo at Nationals.
I just can't figure out what's going on with Real Housewives of Miami. It's like in a desperate bid to be as good as all the other shows, they scrambled to switch everything up – giving me no sense of security here.
On top of that, I think I'm Weddings by Bravo'd out. I mean on top of Tamra Barney and NeNe Leakes' big spinoffs we're now inundated with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa planning weddings and bickering about weddings and out-weddings each other and weddings, weddings, weddings… Maybe we can just pull a Sister Wives, lump all the Bravo brides together, and throw them with one man. I nominate Andy Cohen to be tied to these broads for life. Payback's a bitch!
So last night Joanna and Romain Zago had the big talk. You know, the prenup one. In a pseudo intimate moment in which Joanna's minimalist makeup was applied to perfection, they had breakfast in bed and argued, over freshly cut fruit, that Romain was going into wedding planning by planning his divorce. Um… he's agreeing to marry JOANNA.
This is going to be good, y'all! The mean girls are back with tagalong Suzie Ketcham trailing not far behind. It will be interesting to see if Evelyn Lozada, Shaunie O'Neal, and Tami Roman can keep their promise to keep tempers in check. Newbie Tasha Marbury is also going to be thrown into the craziness, but not this week. Of course, first VH1 needs to explain away Ev & Ocho.
A bittersweet melody plays as we're treated to a photo montage of Evelyn and Chad Johnson's wedding peppered with redacted police reports and Chad's mugshot. A somber Evelyn tells of her brother-in-law's death two days after she learned of Chad's cheating and the subsequent head butt that left her with several stitches in her forehead. She feels like people blamed her for ruining Chad's career. Is this Basketball Wives or the lead in for a 20/20 special?
I dunno what you call that sort of cry where no liquid emanates? I mean is it all the botox? At the very least I would expect wine to come out 'cause all they consume is wine. Well, that and bulls#*!.
So much happened last night – where to begin…
Well, let's all get this out of the way: Alexis Bellino talked about JIM BLOB's man part. It was the most awkward 2 minutes of television ever! She tripped and stumbled over a forced non sequitur about how he wears a size 14 shoe if you know what she's saying… EW! So that's how things started and if you can believe it they went downhill from there!
It's moving day for Christine, and it's sheer chaos. Janelle is also moving the remainder of her things out of her rental. Madison is excited to have the whole family back together so that she can escape to another family home on the cul-de-sac in the event that her brothers are annoying the crap out of her. She also thinks it will be great for her younger siblings to be able to play together more often.
Meri still has no news on her house, and she and Mariah are upset. Kody's hair and facial tan make him look like a crazed snow boarder, and I'm confused by his vest…in a good way, of course. The Brown clan has decided to put off celebrating Christmas for a week in hopes that Meri will be in her new digs by then.
Well last night was another riveting episode of Teresa Giudice's Countdown To Indictment. That's how I've decided to refer to Real Housewives of New Jersey from now on. In light of all the real-real life drama no one cares about this totally and utterly ridiculously shallow family feud which all stemmed from some people's obsessive desire to be famous. "Famous", s'cuse me; quotes are totally necessary.
So anyway, indictment watch! Woo! Other than that Melissa Gorga is on the scene and she and new jazzy hair-do are showing up Teresa and her um… well, I dunno what you want to call the side-mullet, Star Trek voyager helmet she has plastered onto her head to visit Melissa with what totally looked like STORE BOUGHT cupcakes. I bet they were Shop-Rite and underneath the cupcake wrapper Teresa left a little note that read "payback, bitch!"
Anyway, Teresa is visiting Melissa so they can sit down and offer each other fake support for their various ventures. Teresa's business is Milania Hair Care and Melissa all like 'Ooooohhh… wow. So special. Let's talk your hair. You need a hairspray intervention. It looks like a cheap Ken Doll's shellacked plastic. Wait – is that the point of Milania Hair Care that Milania is actually doing the hair?'
Last night was the season premiere of Duck Dynasty, and I must say, I have missed those Robertson boys and their families! While I'm all about a DD marathon, I love new Si one-liners peppered among Willie'santics and Jase and Phil'sdry humor. The episode didn't disappoint as the crew created a surprise wedding with nary a camo tablecloth. I'm shocked! Let's begin, shall we? CHAW!
Jep and Willie are playing Battleship as their wives watch with eyes rolling. Jessica and Korie share a scripted exchange about Phil and Kay's upcoming anniversary. As Willie jokes that the girls will never be able to convince his parents to have a party, Korie suggests planning a surprise vow renewal, and she credits Willie for the brilliant idea. She admits that the best way to get a Robertson man to do what you want is to make them think they came up with the plan in the first place…well, that and sexy time. A second wedding, it is!
Jase, Si, Godwin, and the boy are hanging out in the warehouse, and Missy is blowing up Jase's phone with ideas for the surprise wedding. The men wonder why they need a second walk down the aisle, and we learn that Phil and Kay never had a proper wedding the first time around. Godwin is excited about the idea as long as there is chicken dancing involved. Willie joins the crew in an effort to escape Korie's party to-do list, and Si can do nothing but Indiana Jones his nephew for being so whipped as Godwin yells CHAW in what has to be the worst whip sound ever. Willie denies being a pushover as he hands his credit card to Korie…
I'm not going to lie, I didn't miss Abby Lee Miller one bit on last night's Dance Moms. Of course, I could have done without Leslie as well. I guess you really can't have it all!
Abby is missing in action, but thankfully her best choreographers are prepared to teach the girls the group number. With Abby not around to delegate solos, the mothers are up at arms about who is most deserving. First up, Jill and 2.0 are cussing and giving each other the hand and dropping f-bombs all over the viewing room. Keep it classy, moms!
In the studio, Abby's employees are working on a newly minted group routine…while hoping they won't get fired. Christi takes the opportunity to call Kelly and tell her that now it the perfect time for Kelly to bring her girls to dance. In her mind, if Brooke and Paige are still on the pyramid, they are still on the team. Leslie is livid that Kelly's involvement could jeopardize Payton's spot on the team. Kelly arrives and instructor Gianna allows Brooke and Paige to join the group. She's too stressed to deal with extra mama drama.