TLC producers are obviously working overtime trying to unearth more sorry souls doomed to botch their lives forever, because after last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, we bore witness to a new iteration of the 90 Day franchise – Before The 90 Days. While we’ll only be recapping our usual couples’ stories here at Reality Tea, feel free to comment on the new train wrecks folks as well as the old!
Our tales already in progress include star-crossed lovers, Chantel and Pedro, about to wed for the second time even though their families basically want to murder each other. Danielle and Mohamed, who are set to face off in court, continue to delude themselves that the other is 100% to blame for their disastrous marriage. We also find Russ having to accept Paola’s new grand plan of “starring” in a music video, which we all know she’ll do with or without his permission. And finally, Jorge pathetically plans to grovel to Anfisa about giving him a second chance to be systematically tortured.
Much like the best house party you ever attended freshmen year, last night’s Real Housewives Of New York came replete with drunken makeout sessions, naked crying in the pool, and knifings. Yes – it was epic. And I may be fangirling out so hard that I have blinders on, but I’ll say it again: This Mexico trip is serving up some of the best Housewives moments in recent memory. It’s a rare gift, and we totally deserve it after suffering through the Tom and Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps] wedding snooze fest for eight straight episodes!
We pick up with Sonja Morgan “therapizing” Ramona Singer by the pool. She wants Ramona to admit she’s not happy. Why? Because she’s not getting banged by Mario every nightbut some other chick is. Fresh off her 10 minute month sobriety, Sonja is feeling loose on tequila and truth. Bethenny Frankel thinks Sonja needs to back the eff off though, shockingly defending Ramona against Sonja’s drunken tirade. Ramona screams that she’s happy, but admits she misses having a man.
Well, I guess it was too much to ask to have last night’s Dance Moms be free of Abby Lee Miller, but I guess Lifetime wants to capitalize on her demise as much as possible. Me? I certainly could have done without crazy haired Abby slothing around in dirty socks, but I’m not Phil Collins, so… Also, can we discuss how exhausted poor Gianna looks? Bless her heart for having to put up with this insanity around the clock! The episode begins with Abby shutting down the producers from discussing her future after having just learned that her sentencing date has been rescheduled.
Jill finds the pyramid to be very awkward as she and the other moms had planned on Abby already being in the slammer by now. Abby shares that she has a big announcement, and everyone is on pins and needles to hear about her fate. But alas, Abby is just offering extra dance classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Holly is perplexed. Shouldn’t they be discussing the future of the team in the wake of her impending prison time. Abby manages to dodge any vague questions and begins the pyramid. Luckily I don’t have to pay much attention because Jill’s talking head drones over Abby’s photo pulls, but congratulations to Kalani for taking the top spot!
On Below Deck Mediterranean, love is kind of like a game of musical chairs – there’s a lot of changing things up and one person is always left out. You can count Chef Adam Glick as the current left out party of one and that is not sitting well with him. Now that he knows he has lost his pre-charter/sort-of relationship with Deckhand Malia White to her boss, Wesley Wiz Walton, he figures it’s time to stop moping and start showing the receipts! As the musical chairs keep on moving, tonight might just be Second Slobber on Deck Bobby Giancola’s chance at love with one of the guests. Never mind that it was only a few episodes ago that he was busy roasting Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier for kissing a guest, Bobby want love and Bobby need love (use your best caveman voice when reading), so it’s OK, right?
OK Viewers, you’re in luck – tonight, MTV threw in another surprise episode of Teen Mom 2 at the ripe old hour of 11 PM. So if you missed it, I’m here to fill you in on what happened. Briana De Jesus is still undecided about what she wants to do with her current pregnancy. Does she want to give her baby up for adoption? Co-parent with Luis? Punish herself for the rest of her life by staying together? So many choices but she really does have to meet up with Luis and see if he is still open to the adoption idea since they kind of both have to be on the same page to make it happen. Nova’s dad is supposed to come over and spend time with her but he’s way late and they can’t get a hold of him so Briana sees her future flashing before her eyes (again).
On tonight’s episode of Teen Mom 2, there are decisions to be made and beans to be spilled. Briana DeJesus is still struggling with whether or not to keep her unborn baby thanks to the recent discovery of Luis’s cheating. Kailyn Lowry is going to start talking openly about her pregnancy after one of her friends accidentally mentioned it during filming. Just one last person to tell: ex-husband Javi Marroquin, who she just finalized her divorce from.
Jenelle Evans is still two steps forward and one step back with mom, Barbara Evans, while fiancé David Eason does his best to ruin it all. Leah Messer and ex Jeremy Calvert are co-parenting well, but it looks like everyone might not think so when it comes to Addie and how she handles going back to Leah’s house. Chelsea and Cole DeBoer are still settling into life with a newborn but Aubree and her newfound jealousy is making it harder and harder on their patience.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, Kelly Dodd underwent a Real Housewives rite of passage and rejuvenated her vagina right on TV! It is a place many a’Housewives have gone before and lived to tell about it… which I guess is a blessing, right?! Also, Vicki Gunvalson‘s devotion to proving she did not fake cancer continued with her cozying up to newbie Peggy Sulahian by promising to be the best darn girlfriend Peggy ever did have.
Shannon Beador is dressing like Carnie Wilson now, but she will not mediate Housewives disputes with cheesecakes. Instead she will go to Tamra Judge‘s house and sip water laced with Pure Calm pills. Tamra promises they create an ethereal zen, like being inside the mind of Dr. Moon as he practices transcendentalism. Despite her avid non-toxicism, the cotillion queen in Shannon admits a cocktail would work better.
The meteoric rise and fall of Eileen Davidson as a Housewife is a sad one. She was at once annoying and amazing. Eileen entered Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills with such promise, such poise, and such unabashed glam, but then it all fell apart when she got caught in the trap of Yolanda Foster‘s Lymeness, and a strange parenthetical argument about intent and manipulations and the bounds of friendship. Eileen was always too cerebral for this show.
Soap opera veteran Eileen joined the show in season 5 alongside her close friend Lisa Rinna. After decades on Days Of Our Lives and The Young and Restless, it seemed like no drama could defeat the Daytime Emmy winner. Then Eileen ran into Brandi Glanville‘s wine glass and Kim Richards‘ denial!