Recaps

jenelle-barb

If last week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 left you with a bad taste in your mouth when it comes to ongoing divorce and custody battles, tonight’s episode won’t do much better. Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin’s issues are only escalating and now Kail is dragging Jo into the mix. Jenelle Evans can’t let go of her recent mediation with mom Barb for custody of Jace and takes it out on her every chance she gets. But it’s not all drama tonight – Leah Messer considers beauty school while Chelsea Houska gets a stunt baby to prepare Cole DeBoer for what’s to come.

Since the last few episodes have been revolving around Kail and her drama, let’s just start there. For all you Kail fans out there (all three of you), you won’t like what I have to say but hey, I’m just working with the material I’m given here. Kail spins a harrowing tale of the night before, where Javi showed up, poof, out of the blue, enraged and “like a psycho”. He broke in to (his own house) by coming in the basement door, pulled out drawers and overall, wrecked havoc on poor Kail who was probably doing something incredibly humble and pure, like knitting a blanket for the poor or reading her bible. A terrified Kail had to call both the police and Jo for help.

Kandi text messages

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went left to The Matrix. I don’t even know what happened, but I feel like I entered an alternate universe? Of secret carpet muncher people? Even writing that feels wrong and homophobic. I want to go back home! I want to go click my Louboutins together and be transported to an RHOA of wig tugs, Bloops! and weird pickle photoshoots.

I had forgotten how debased Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams argument was in the week-off where I watched gorgeous gowns float across the Oscars stage. You can catch up on that recap here.

It was a hard jolt back to reality (I ate the blue pill! On a Monday!) to have the episode open with Porsha accusing Kandi and Todd of possibly planning to drug her then drag her into their hidden sex dungeon. OK – WHAT?!

Porsha “heard this” lurid rumor from someone else. Apparently she believes it. We know how those words on the street work in Atlanta. Turn here for “Liable Suit Way”! Kandi rightfully wants Porsha to present receipts to back-up any of her claims.

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Lisa Rinna

Was last night Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills horror story, or what?! A witch hunt! Gossip that comes back to haunt. The poltergeist that refuses to be exorcised. Mini cheesecakes that stalk through the night! The Twisted Sisters Richards back for revenge. The zombie audience of collected Housewives shaking from sugar, desperate to feast on the UN-Botoxed remains of low-carb brain. And Carnie Wilson (!) returns from the dead as a really good counselor.

Anyway, Lisa Rinna fessed-up, owned it, or whatever you want to call it. I have to say that I’m proud of her. It’s not easy to face down Kim Richards demons and live to tell about it.

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Tom 2

Well the wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney is going along full-force like the tornado in the Wizard Of Oz. Except instead of being transported to the land of yellow brick roads and ruby slippers, Tom 2 is being chased by the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Oh love in the wilds of Vanderpump Rules.

Am I the only person LOVING Tequila Tom?! For all my hatred of Tequila Katie, Tequila Tom needs to stick around a little more! He has bottled the worms of his rage up for too long. Let those suckers crawl OUT.

Peter Madrigal said it when he compared his failed relationship to Stassi Schroeder as like oil and water. “It may look OK when you shake it up…” but in reality it is two disparate things that simply do not stay together in the long term. And that is Tom and Katie. They are the fling that never ends – although it should’ve 200 drunken fights ago. And at this point it doesn’t even look good together anymore. No, anymore it looks like a torn, shredded dress and a slept-in smokey eye.

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teenmom2

Tonight’s episode of Teen Mom 2 continues to show the nitty gritty of what’s going down in Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin’s ugly divorce battle. Are all those past cryptic tweets and social media updates from them starting to make sense now? Definitely. Jenelle Evans has her own date in court, as her long awaited custody hearing for Jace gets under way with a deposition. Chelsea Houska and Cole DeBoer get their gender confirmation, while Leah Messer deals with ex-husband Jeremy Calvert moving on. Let’s start with them, shall we?

It’s before 6 AM and Leah is trying desperately to get her kids to the bus stop on time. Before I get back to how fun it is to play “Will They or Won’t They?” Bus Stop Edition, now would be a great time to address some previous rumors in the media (just hear me out, ok?) that Leah is pregnant again. While Leah has come out on the record to say, “gee where do people even get this stuff?” I will tell you where: FROM THE SONOGRAM PICS HANGING ON YOUR FRIDGE. Did anyone else catch that? As Leah rushes out of the kitchen to get the girls to school, there are two unmistakable rolls of sonogram pictures hung up on her fridge. That’s right, people, rewind your DVRs if you didn’t catch it. This one is going to be tough to explain….

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Kyle - Tilapia

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reminded us that there is a good side to every Housewife, or wannabe Housewife.

Mother of the yearLisa Vanderpump is buying Max an apartment to reward him for putting up with the hooligans of SUR. And trust me – that is no small feat! Lisa and Ken spent $630,000 on a WeHo ‘gem’ that they describe as a dump, but I thought it looked pretty amazing and far nicer than any place I’ve ever lived. But alas, we cannot all be so lucky as to be adopted into pillows of Pomeranian fur, bejeweled British accents, and cocooned in rose-scented tea petals. Please note my official plea that Lisa save me from my middle-classdom.

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Tom 2 in drag

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules poor Tom Schwartz saw the writing on the wall and it said “RUN!” First off, how stupid was the witch hunt over Tom’s two years in the past drunken Vegas hook-up and then Kristen Doute‘s insistence that this is the justified reason Katie Maloney is constantly mean and angry.

I fully agree with Tom Sandoval – that’s ridiculous, and Tom 2 is a “battered wife.” Now I feel more sad watching this. More sad-sad, even, because the only way Tom can tap into his own inner rage and express his feelings is while wearing a dress. Or being tortured by reptiles. When Tom 1 and Jax Taylor are the lone sane members of your collective friend group, things are not going swimmingly.

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Teen Mom 2 recap

This week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 continues to center around the drama that Kailyn Lowry and Jenelle Evans always bring to the table. Kail is giving us a severe case of whiplash when it comes to her moods on soon-to-be ex, Javi Marroquin, and Jenelle is steady as ever in her plot to take back full custody of Kaiser as soon as Nathan Griffin slips up (and he doesn’t keep us waiting long). Chelsea Houska continues to prepare for the arrival of her baby with fiancé Cole DeBoer while Leah Messer shuttles the girls back and forth between dads and mumbles her way through life.

We open with Jenelle calling Barbara Evans because she is supposed to get Jace for the weekend but a last minute work (work?!) trip has come up in New York and she wants permission to take Jace along. Barb is not feeling it because that would mean Jace would have to miss most of the day of school in order to attend. Jenelle goes from a polite ask to level 8 on the petulant teenager scale of rudeness as she explains to Barbara how work is a guy from the UK who wants her to promote some product and she can’t just tell someone from another country to work around Jace’s school schedule.

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