Recaps

Porsha

Hand me some smelling salts, cause I have the vapors after part 4 of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well all knew it was coming, but somehow seeing Phaedra Parks expose herself as a bonafide liar and a fraud of the sort that even surpasses Housewives nastiness was still a shock! And I don’t even know what to call her, an emotionless vessel of shade that has reached its sell-by date, but that nonsense went TOO FAR! Actually it went beyond crossing the line into crossing the galaxy.

There we all are, sitting on the reunion stage in our sparkly dresses, with our hair all puffed up, and our smirks frozen into irritated condescension, our voices permanently poised at a register for battle and self-defense, when out Porsha Williams came out with the revelation Phaedra is the one who told her of Kandi Burruss‘ alleged plan to drug and rape her one fateful night. Phaedra related that she heard this information this directly from the Kandi Factory – more specifically from Kandi’s mouth.

Since this was no word on the street, Porsha decided it was believable, and “asked” Kandi about it in front of millions, then spent months defending herself against accusations that she’s a liar.

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Last night was the series premiere of Second Wives Club, a show that is kind of like Housewives except the women are bonafide trophy wives who are barely old enough to drink. So far, I think the show is kinda fun.

The show opens with Shiva Safai, who we have all met before courtesy of Mohamed Hadid, accessory many a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills drama, father of Gigi and Bella, and gifter of Lisa Vanderpump‘s swans. Oh, Mohamed was also married to Yolanda Foster, before she became Foster, although now she’s back to Hadid. But I am SO not here to talk about Yolanda. I have done that to Lymes and beyond.

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Reinventing How This Game Is Played

It’s getting tough out there on Survivor. With the Finale fast approaching (May 24…mark your calendars!), we find ourselves down to just 10 players left in the game heading into last night’s episode. It has been a season full of big moves, aggressive strategies, and the occasional blunder. “Game Changers,” Hali stated from the jury seats after tonight’s Tribal Council. “Idiots,” Deb countered. They may both be right.

But before we try to think of an 11-letter word to describe last night’s new episode, let me first warn you that there are spoilers to follow, as we will be discussing in detail the event’s that took place during last night’s episode of Survivor: Game Changers. And while we WILL hit on all of the important developments, remember that this is more of a discussion and analysis and not a blow-by-blow account of how the episode played out.

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Carole.Radziwill.Head.Tilt.Blacksheertop.RHONY

Raise your hand if you are still reeling from Dorinda Medley’s version of Festivus last week? (I’m raising both, as if arrested. For indecent TV watching while under the influence of Diet Coke.) Well, apparently we can forget all of that! For we’re poised to move on as fast these women do when air-kissing after slut-shaming, because it’s the moment we’ve all lived through already been waiting for: Carole Radziwill’s election party!

Get ready to take five cleansing breaths, friends, because this week The Real Housewives Of New York takes us through the moments leading up to election day right through its aftermath: otherwise known as Ramona Singer’s surprise 60th birthday party. Which she nearly screws up by double booking another date during said party. (And who – by the way – shows up at her party later, only to be summarily shunned!) With all of the drama surrounding these two heady events, Sonja Morgan’s love life nearly gets lost in the shuffle. <single tear> She’s created a love triangle of sorts because she is the eternal ‘it girl,’ dontchaknow? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! #TinsleyGoals

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Below Deck Mediterranean recap

I was pretty excited to learn Bravo renewed Below Deck Mediterranean after a jam packed season one. Maybe it’s the fighting and staff hook ups, maybe it’s the colorful, international cast, but mostly, it’s the backdrop of the gorgeous Mediterranean that I can’t get enough of. From my couch here in the good ole U-S-of A, a yacht sailing around Croatia is just what I need to remind myself that there is more adventure in the world than making it out of Target without spending a week’s paycheck. Sigh.

This season, the crew is sailing the seas on the Sirocco and Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier and Deckhand/Horny Bro Bobby Giancola have returned, much to my delight. Bobby is new and improved after quitting his fire fighter job, losing his spot on the shirtless fire hunks calendar, and getting some clear braces after all those fat tips from last season. What hasn’t improved is his high school level of immaturity when it comes to the ladies.

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Little Women: LA Recap: Shady Business

OK, I just accidentally watched a Chuck Norris infomercial in its entirety (don’t ask!) and am prepped and ready to go on this here recap. On last night’s Little Women: LA, some alliances shifted while other friendships continued to circle the drain. Excited about her prospects as an author, Terra Jole meets with her publisher to work out the details. Guess who still has a problem with Terra or literally anyone pursuing another gig? Elena Gant! Our Official Season 6 Hater. (What happened to this chick? Seriously.)

Terra also unexpectedly finds herself relating to Briana Renee, as Briana navigates the frightening decision of whether to have baby Maverick undergo spinal surgery. Meanwhile, Christy McGinity Gibel finally battles back from the wreckage of last year (and most of this season, which has placed her on a very cold back burner) by accusing Briana of underhanded moves with her PR firm. Tonya Banks continues to browbeat Kerwin into taking their relationship to the next level – like unpacking his duffel bag, for example.

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cameran

Before we begin with last night’s Southern Charm shenanigans, can we please give a big, fat “Atta boy!” to Craig Conover for passing the South Carolina bar exam! It looks like Shep Rose is going to have to find another reason to deride his pal. Of course, while Craig can celebrate this milestone, he’s going to have to atone for being a complete jackleg to his girlfriend Naomie Olindo on last night’s episode. Once again, she proves to be the only voice of reason in this motley crew!

After the gang muddles through their various (hopefully not morning, as most of them are slugging cocktails) routines, Cameran Eubanks takes her mother to purchase some hoodoo dolls in hopes of reclaiming her high school efforts to become a white witch…complete with spell incantations, purple hair, and a homecoming queen sash. Unlike voodoo dolls, their hoodoo counterparts bring positive energy to those who use them. Cameran is hoping this doll will help with matchmaking her friend Chelsea with Shep.

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RHOP1

If we have learned anything from the Real Housewives, it’s that game night will never end well. The Real Housewives of Potomac and in particular, Monique FOUR HOUSES Samuels, definitely did not get this memo when she decides to host her own version of game night at her house. What was supposed to be a simple evening of playing spades and eating some BBQ food that she may or may not have cooked, has turned into another debacle, maybe not of the Kim Richards magnitude, but since we were left with a “to be continued”, one can’t really be sure at this point.

Poor Monique can’t understand why everyone in Potomac is 1) so bougie and 2) judges her. Ok, so we are on this again. While Miss Mo gripes about the bougie-ness of Potomac, she does probably the most bougie thing I can think of: shop for décor for her game night with her cousin/assistant and an event planner. Who needs a party planner for a BBQ game night of playing spades? Surely not a down to earth person like Monique, who snipes that she knows people with way bigger banks accounts who don’t act as bougie as the women of Potomac. And this is the problem (OK, just one of them) I have with poor Miss Mo – she is so fixated on defending herself against those who she thinks are judging her, she can’t even see how judgy she is being herself.