Recaps

S33_Ep11_SG_053

Well I owe a few apologies.  Not only did this recap come nearly two days later than normal (darn you, Thanksgiving), but instead of turkey I was eating crow.   You see, in my Preview Article on Wednesday morning, I had sort of whined and moaned that usually a two-hour double-episode, tucked right before Thanksgiving, usually ends up being lame…almost a “fast-forward” through what might be a boring stretch or a predictable Tribal Council.  I had speculated which of these players would be the easy target for such an episode.  But holy wow, was I mistaken.  Wednesday’s episode of Survivor was one of the best back-to-back episodes in a long time, and featured what -to me – must be instantly considered a Top-5 All-Time Tribal Council.  Boy I hope nobody missed what went down on Wednesday, because it was a Survivor-strategist’s dream come true, instantly elevating this season into contention – should it maintain this level of intense gameplay – as one of the best Survivor seasons maybe ever (don’t worry, we’ll rank the season as a whole once the smoke clears after Finale next month).

The best part of this Recap coming two days later is it gave us all some extra time not only to digest our turkey dinners, but to digest the magnitude of what we just witnessed.  This is your second-to-last chance to turn back and stop reading, lest you be spoiled as to the events of Wednesday’s double-episode.

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Dance Moms season finale recap

Last night’s Dance Moms showcased the competition where Abby Lee Miller’s former elite team would be facing off against the minis, and, per the usual, ugliness and petty shenanigans ensued. Do we think she’s going to end up going to jail?

On the day of competition, the elite team squares off against the minis. Abby instructs the veteran moms to have their daughters write a list of why they hate her so much. Holly Frazier won’t stand to be spoken to in such a manner in front of the girls, and she ushers everyone into the venue. Jill Vertes uses Abby’s words against her, reminding her that everyone is replaceable. Abby is confident that her minis are better at their age and the elite team was back when they were six. The veteran moms question whether the mini moms are okay with Abby’s behavior and they are met with hemming and hawing from the newbies. Ashlee suggests that the women present a united front so Abby cannot treat their daughters badly. Before the competition, the elite girls are in good spirits and glad to be away from Abby and her meanness.

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Sierra-Storm-Confessional-Curly-Hair-Below-Deck

Below Deck sailed back into the choppy waters of Kyle Dixon‘s storyline last night, offering us a glimpse of his girlfriend, Ashley, when she came aboard Valor for a visit. (And got pitied by Sierra Storm.) Meanwhile, Kelley Johnson faces the wrath of Captain Lee Rosbach after botching a guest excursion – wrath that ultimately turns into a shakeup among the exterior crew’s ranks.

Kate Chastain also lives to regret setting Ben Robinson and Emily Warburton-Adam up when she realizes that their budding romance is interfering with work. But Ben and Emily are too smitten with each other to notice – or care! They’ve got gaudy bouquets of flowers to smell! They’ve got hashtags to perfect! #BemilyIsActuallyHappeningPeople #ImTotallySerious

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Tom and Jax

Vanderpump Rules is having some sort of quarter life crisis. While Stassi Schroeder is playing the adoring sycophant, Katie Maloney is attempting to reinvent herself as season 1 and 2 Stassi. It’s a piss-poor imitation though because Katie lacks the razor-sharp edge and sheer cunning wit required to pull off Stassi-ness, not to mention Katie lacks the conviction with which Stassi conducted herself as empress of the skirtsteaks. Also Katie doesn’t own a statement necklace which is like the scrunchie of SUR.

Katie is a mere “Fetch,” trying to force herself to happen as the leader of the SUR tribe, except she’s nothing but a sheep in wolf’s clothing. And she needs to give Stassi back her fur.

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Real Housewives of Orange County reunion

Last night was FINALLY the end of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion and it was sponsored by Shannon Beador‘s many factions to Hawaii.

The one thing I learned is that Vicki Gunvalson really needs to consider a career in politics because she can twist words and spin like no other. It’s rather impressive in some bizarro universe led by Andy Cohen and morality policed by Heather Dubrow.

The reunion starts with a ride back in time to Glamis. The ladies watch the ATV flip time and time again. Just so you know… Heather escaped injury because she even does car accidents perfectly and better than you.

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Kandi & Sheree

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was all about love and motherhood and all the complications that come with it. But first, like with all things, we must dip our toe in hate!

Phaedra Parks, Porsha Williams, and Sheree Whitfield take their camel toes to brunch to discuss Sheree’s fight with Kenya Moore. Apparently, Kenya has been conducting faulty research, which misled her to believe Sheree is a hoe. “HOE!” scoffs Sheree, “I ain’t never been associated with no hoes!” Well, except for the ones Bob was probably cheating with. Sheree is indignant that someone who “slept her way to the top of the Z-List DVD rack” has the nerve to accuse her of impropriety.

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Alla-White-Dress-90-Day-Fiance

Well, we’ve come to the bittersweet end of season four’s 90 Day Fiance, gang. It’s hard to believe it was mere months ago that Anfisa was shutting down Jorge’s phone all the way from Russia – and things haven’t changed much since! Except, now Anfisa can call herself “Mrs. Jorge,” or whatever. Because that insane chick actually marries the spineless man she trapped wooed from afar last night!!! As Matt and Alla take the plunge, they just hope someone has drugged creepy friend Patrick for the ceremony. And Narkyia and Nicole are left wondering what to do with the gigantic sh*tshows they’ve made of their lives.

A “Tell All” special followed last night’s season finale. Although we won’t be recapping last night’s part one reunion in this finale post, I will post a recap of part two. Because, let’s face it: There is just waaaaaaay too much crazy to talk about. We need more time to decompress, people! In the mean time, feel free to comment on any of last night’s full tilt insanity below.

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DBT Kim

Last night’s Don’t Be Tardy showcased a stressful time in the Zolciak-Biermann household. Teen angst was at an all time high. Kim and Kroy didn’t see eye-to-eye. Red solo cups were flung around with reckless abandon, and the phrase of all phrases was born (and continues to echo through my brain). Thank you, Bravo. Just thank you.

The episode begins with Kim and crew heading to an Atlanta studio. Kim has used Instagram to set up a dance lesson for Brielle, Chef Tracey, and Shun. Everyone is wearing sexy heels, but poor Tracey is having a very hard time with her footwear. The lesson for today is some stripper dancing, and Kim is ecstatic that she can finally hang out with Brielle as besties and not just in the mother-daughter capacity. Not to mention, Kim loves some gyrating!

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