Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of New York left a big question mark over my head. Am I stupid is as stupid does? Because why exactly is Bethenny Frankel so angry atJules Wainstein? Actually, angry isn’t the world, “spooked” is. And what exactly did Bravo NOT show us that is so pertinent to what caused this explosion? Color me three shades of ‘Bethenny lost 10% of her blood’ pale.
O, Season 9 of Flipping Out, how I’ve patiently awaited your long overdue arrival! (And we get a 2-night premiere to boot! YES!) It’s been nearly a year since we last saw Jeff Lewis and the gang, and now that they’re back, all is right with the world again. Last seen, Jeff was mediating between longtime housekeeper/mother figure/future nanny Zoila Chavez and boyfriend/future baby daddy Gage Edward. Zoila either got the bad edit last season, or she was extra grumpy about folding Jeff’s undershorts into perfect hexagons. Whatever the case, she took out her rage on Gage, who dealt with her passive aggressive insults all season long. Until Jeff negotiated a fragile peace between them during the season 8 finale.
In the time between then and now, Gage and Jeff have announced they are expecting a baby girl via surrogacy. Wheeeeeeeeeee! (Please let them decorate the baby room on camera, please let them decorate the baby room on camera – if I chant this enough times, will it work!!?!?) But before all of this good news unfolds, let’s check in with what’s transpired since the crew departed once and for all from their beloved Gramercy. Answer: Lots.
If it’s one thing that the Little Women franchises can bring to the table, it’s drama…and babies. Little Women: Atlanta is no exception so let’s jump right in and see what these ladies have in store for us this season!
Amanda and Andrea Salinas, also known as the Tiny Twins, have been pretty busy. Andrea is 26 weeks pregnant with her boyfriend and full disclosure here – I had to fact-check which twin was actually pregnant because I really can’t tell them apart. I was thinking I could manage by boob tattoo alone until I realized they both have boob tattoos. So many chest and boob tattoos with this cast.
Welcome back to Little Women: LA, the show that never stops filming! It seems like season 4 was just wrapping when BAM! Season 5 is suddenly upon us. I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Lifetime must know that they cannot take a hiatus with these women, lest someone chuck a glass at someone else’s head between seasons. Plus, nearly everyone has had or is having babies these days, so every minute counts. I say, let’s just strap Go Pros to everyone’s heads and be done with it!
When we left off on season 4, Christy McGinity and Terra Jole had temporarily laid down their swords over their altercation at line dancing night, with Christy bitterly reviving the whole mess at the LWLAReunion. She still claims a concussion diagnosis. Tonya Banks had forced convinced her ex, Kerwin, to leave his lady friend and take up with her. Jasmine Sorge’s hubby was relegated to busing tables at his father in law’s restaurant, having not found work close to home. Elena Gant and hubby Preston were expecting twin boys – awwwww! And Briana Renee and Matt Ericson (Grundhoffer) were, well, how do I put this? A HELLISH MESS. Oh – also, Jasmine’s pregnant, Terra’s pregnant, Briana’s pregnant, you’re pregnant, I’m pregnant (kidding!). It’s a virtual baby bonanza up in here!
The broken record of broken daters continues on Famously Single and as we start another episode, no one fits into that category better than resident Shallow Hal, Josh Murray (yeah, the guy from The Bachelorette who isn’t even famous enough to have a Wikipedia page).
Josh is flipping through Instagram and complaining to Aubrey O’Day about how women need to measure up to his standards. Aubrey makes a valiant effort to explain to him that what he sees on Instagram is not exactly real, but you can see his beady little fame-seeking eyes glossing over as visions of fake boobies dance in his head.
The charter from hell continues on Below Deck Mediterranean as Hannah Ferrier tries to bury her rage about the middle aged frat party that has come aboard the Ionian Princess. Last seen, Hannah was being told by Captain Mark Howard that the disgusting guests were extending their charter, and that they didn’t want to see, smell, or hear Hannah for the remainder of the trip! Hannah is disappointed in herself for allowing her emotions to get the better of her, but agrees that shoving Tiffany Copeland and Julia D’Albert-Pusey into the line of fire from here on in is their best survival tactic. They will be put on service, leaving Hannah in the background to ponder what it truly means to be in the “service industry.”
Somehow, these guests have gotten even more needy and obnoxious since the last episode. Are they taking the same douche-pills Bryan Kattenburg is prescribed? Poor Julia has been relegated to Head Drink Wench, a role that has her literally sprinting up and down stairs frantically balancing trays of vodka and used cocktail straws like she’s in some twisted American Ninja Waitstaff challenge. As she slings drinks and munchies at the ravenous, slobbering guests, they insult her and whine incessantly about how slow the service is, how loooooong they have to wait for their drinks, and (their only accurate point) how much the yacht staff hate their sorry asses. The primary snarks, “They hate us cuz they ain’t us!”
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was oddly medicinal. Is Bravo opening a medical trauma center? The last thing we need on this show are MORE health dramas. Leave people’s bodies alone, Bravo! I don’t want to see any journeys that involve doctors, unless of course one of these broads is married to a doctor and he’s doing wonky and weird and very money making doctoring.
That sounds gross and extremely serial killer, but just watch Botched and you’ll get the gist. When people weren’t ill last night, they were moving, or preparing to move, or crying over their spiritual wellness while holding a dumbbell. It was issues galore on RHOC!
So things begin with Vicki Guvnalson in OK to move Briana back to OC. They pile the car with Briana’s kids for a 19 hour drive, and leave Ryan to tie up all the loose ends of their windswept McMansion on the Prairie life there.
Who I did not enjoy seeing was Jacqueline Laurita, who is still crazy after all these years. Also, Poison just had to show off his little poison spewer and just no. Still no. Always no. Forever no. Like Melissa Gorga has to be married to him and enjoy his many splendored little thing, but the rest of us, we didn’t take those vows to honor and cherish anything about him.
Also, Melissa has new hair that is quite short and blonde. Interesting.