Recaps

The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Black Out And Get Out

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the bitter sour patch kid in Kelly Bensimon’s gummy bear bag! Okay, it’s just Jill Zarin trying to make herself happen again – but still! For long-time Real Housewives Of New York fans, the return of Jill feels kind of epic, if short lived. Also epic is the throw down in the Berkshires, starring Ramona Quimby Age 8 Singer and Bethenny Frankel, who decide to further impose upon Dorinda Medley’s gracious hosting by getting naked and mud wrestling in her parlor. Well, nearly.

Bethenny does pull a spread eagle while screaming at Ramona though, which sort of feels like a low rent Wonder Woman move gone dangerously awry. And Ramona uncorks the long-buried demons of Scary Island as she eviscerates Bethenny like never before. Her motto last night: When they go low, I go Pinot! In essence, the drama this week is served upside down, with a twist of crazy. Just the way the Housewives like it.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.

I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.

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Not even Hurricane Matthew could drown my sorrows as I watched last night’s Southern Charm Savannah. I’m really trying here, y’all! For the most part, I like the cast (save a couple). Lyle has some great one-liners, and Hannah Pearson and Happy McCullough seem nice enough. I think I’d like drinking wine with them, right? Then why can’t I get invested in this spin-off? Not even a crossover could help!

Last night’s episode resumes with the cast gathered at that heated dinner party. As Daniel Eicholz continues to school Nelson Lewis on his racial slur, Nelson feigns shock and offense. How dare Daniel quote what he said in his own home? Daniel counters that if Nelson ever hears him say something offensive, he has Daniel’s full permission to call him out on it. Nelson wasn’t being genuinely racist, he just meant the term in an allegorical sense. Allegorical? Happy is in tears, and Azam comes to her defense as he tries to educate Nelson on how his words affect others. Louis is rolling his eyes at Nelson’s ignorance, as Happy recounts how it feels to be the victim of racism because of her relationship with Azam. Lyle McKenzie leads the charge to end the dinner party, as Nelson storms out ahead of the crowd. Is he a racist? HELL DAMN NO!

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Southern Charm seems to be returning to its roots without the past season’s bitter drama between Thomas Ravenel and Kathryn Dennis. On last night’s episode, the once tumultuous couple saw each other for the first time in nearly a year after a tentative turn as pen pals. Of course, we’ll see how long it lasts as T-Rav tries to forge a romantic relationship with Landon Clements

Last night’s episode begins in Hampton Park where Thomas is hosting  Saint’s first birthday, complete with a kitten and bunny petting zoo. As the crew preps for the celebration, Landon calls to regret. She’s not quite ready to play house yet. En route to the shindig, Liz is riding co-pilot with an anxious Kathryn as husband JD shuttles their brood. Also carpooling are Patricia Altschul and Cameran Eubanks who comment on just how embarrassing it must be to for Kathryn to be a guest at her own son’s birthday. So kind, and not at all condescending, for sure. Kathryn arrives and shares a robotic hug with T-Rav before hugging her precious babies. The pair awkwardly make small talk about their correspondence and card stock. Danni shows up (where has she been?) with JD and his kids following behind. Cameran embraces Kathryn while Pat heads in the opposite direction, navigating the goose poop in her Louboutins. As the rest of the crowd trickles in, Kathryn passes right by Jennifer Snowden and her baby. Come on, Kathryn. Show some of that forgiveness you’ve been vying for with your peers.

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I don’t know about you guys but I am still recovering from all the kangaroo caprese salad and Tasmanian devil poppers from the Oz Critic’s Choice Dinner last week on Real Housewives of Potomac. Aside from the food, Ashley Darby calling her dinner something straight out of an award show format was pretty lofty, especially considering the food critics weren’t really choosing anything, more like getting a free dinner in exchange for filling out a comment card. But despite my snide assessment of the details, it was a clever move on Ashley’s part to get her restaurant some exposure and convince her controlling Aussie husband that she’s not the only one who thinks the menu well, sucks.

As Ashley reads through the comment cards on the new menu, she is pleasantly surprised about how good the feedback was and it only reinforces her belief that Aussie food is not the way to go (duh). There is only one thing still standing stubbornly in her way – Michael. He shows up with his tail in between his legs, offering a tepid apology that becomes pointless when he blames his threat to shut down the restaurant on her not acting like a team player. Now Ashley was no saint during that argument, but I could see how she would flip her sh*t when idea after idea of hers has been shot down and she just wanted to do one thing on her own for the betterment of Oz without her old curmudgeon of a husband putting the kibosh on it. Michael’s apology doesn’t really land and while he says he wants to work through it, he’s still ignoring how discounted Ashley feels in their partnership.

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On last night’s Second Wives Club, a gobsmacked Veronika Obeng continued to wrestle over what to do with her marriage, Shawna Craig was the girl who cried broke and couldn’t afford more head shots, and Tania Mehra tried repair all the relationships she sunk.

In Katie Cazrola‘s world, she refuses to be Walter’s trophy wife, because she actually wants to be his sugar mama! Walter is on board with this: he’ll sit home tinkering on his piano with big dreams of making it in music, while Katie runs two successful businesses and pays the bills.

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Little Women: LA Recap: Fierce Fight

Guess who now owns the word “fierce?” (Well, besides the year 2005.) Terra Jole owns it, dammit! And she makes Briana Renee’s head spin when she reveals on this week’s Little Women: LA that she’s using it in her upcoming book title. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. We are now witness to an argument about who is and is not fierce. Wait – can we abstain from the vote? Or redefine “fierce” as: Without boundaries, self awareness, or the maturity of a fifth grader? Because then, I will gladly get on board.

But last week’s mess still looms large over the group, as Christy McGinity Gibel gets wind of Terra showing her video all around town. As a result, Christy firmly draws a line in the sand, stating that she will not now, nor EVER, sign that book release Terra was waving in front of her face. So Terra will just have to rely on everyone else’s dirt to fill the pages of her “tell-all.” Hmm. It would seem Briana and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] could provide sufficient content for a trilogy, so my guess is that she’ll be all set, right?

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I think I can speak for the better part of The Real Housewives of New York viewing audience when I kindly request that they make the Tom D’Agostino storyline just STOP already. (Please? We will do anything – we will watch Sonja Morgan go in for vaginal rejuvenation number two! We will welcome Jill Zarin back with open arms! We will watch that friggin election party again – okay, too far.) Because when it comes to this dusty old Tom story, I have to channel Ramona Singer here and ask, are you kidding me? Are you KIDDING me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Alas, I regret to inform you that despite our better wishes, the ladies decide it’s still a wise idea to confront Luann de Lesseps about her upcoming nuptials to dear, openly-cheating Tom for the seven hundredth time. In this week’s installment of Are You Sure You Want To Be A Bride, Luann? Ramona leads the charge, with Bethenny Frankel throwing some tears and bizarre begging in for good measure. Then, Ramona and Bethenny go at it head to head in what may be the final round of their friendship. This all occurs after Ramona nearly literally turns herself into the cartoon character version of her former, batsh*t self. So, strap in!

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