Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone opened up, although some people should’ve kept their mouths closed (ahem Dorit Kemsely). At least Dorit’s son Jagger knows the truth: nearly everyone is a bad guy here. Shockingly, Lisa Rinna wasn’t – she was actually OK last night.
I am so back and forth with Dorit. On the one hand I find her zany and cute; on the other I find her over-bearing and try-hard. Last week I liked her; this week NOPE to her and her phony whack-ccent, and her husband licking a $900 plate clean.
Here a cheat, there a cheat, everywhere a cheat cheat! On Vanderpump Rules there is no other way. Seriously what is in the Vanderpump Vodka at SUR that makes all the men (except for Ken) cheat? Lisa Vanderpump needs to do a seminar on how to keep your man muzzled and on a tight leash!
But first the ladies are still camped out at Brittany’s to try and protect her from Jax. After a suuuuper drunken night of twerking – which apparently wards off evil boyfriends – Scheana Marie wakes up on the sofa in some enormous turquoise glasses and announces she’ll be boarding a private jet for Vegas with Lala Kent in 0-700 hours, and therefore all this drama has to hurry it up! At the words private jet, Stassi Schroeder wanders into the room – drinking a hair of the dog – just in time to hear Katie Maloney get all Hangry Katie on what a skank Lala is for breaking up a marriage.
It’s dark and scary days as Lipsa is among them. Dorit Kemsley is afraid. What will Lipsa’s evil, vicious, devil’s tongue say next?! Will she be hiding a Blue Bunny in Kyle Richards‘ Blue Birkin? Or will she come in peace?
It’s an enormous bummer that this season of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey has been derailed into bitter accusations of anti-Semitism, especially after we hearty souls weathered the petty nonsense of cake-gate for so damn long! Can’t we just watch these broads make pasta in Milan, get confused about cathedrals, mispronounce some sh*t, and call it a day? Unfortunately, there’s unfinished business between the ladies to belabor…for ages.
Siggy Flicker continues her anti-Margaret Josephs campaign this week, initially refusing to accept Marge’s apology. But at least she and Teresa Giuidice share a tender moment while bonding over the loss of Tre’s mom, Antonia. Dolores Catania and Danielle Staub also try to walk the line of frenemy-ship so as to avoid lockup in Italy. While the women try not to get kicked out of eating establishments abroad, Joe Gorga has a heart to heart with his nieces back in Jersey. His message to them: Stop being Satan!
I’m not ashamed to admit that I still get the tingles watching the Survivor Finale each and every season. Watching the Finale is an event in my home, in that it is the rare occasion that my wife and I watch live TV that isn’t news or sports, and isn’t a show that has been DVR’ed or downloaded. It’s a ritual that all of us share, feeling that excitement of not knowing what outcome we’re about to see play out before our very eyes. There is no need to avoid spoilers or to stay off of Twitter, because whatever is about to happen hasn’t happened yet. There is a weird feeling of impatience that washes over me when I’m not able to fast-forward through a commercial break.
Yes even at its worst, Survivor is better than most shows on TV. I’ll take a mediocre season of Survivor over any other season of any other Reality Competition Show out there. As this season drew to a close, I had to give myself a small pat on the back though, because my predictions rarely – if ever – come true. Just after the merge, when this season looked like it was just going to be one of those average, ho-hum seasons of Survivor, and people started to leave the show, I pleaded with my followers to stick this season out. I had a feeling that there were some strong players left in the game, and that once we had whittled it down, that this season could still have potential to be great. My eyes and ears began to perk up over the last few weeks when Survivor: HHH gave us several strong, dramatic episodes in a row, and this two-hour Finale did not disappoint (even if the Live Reunion Show that followed did). Not in the least. In fact, not only did I get the tingles, I felt myself on an emotional roller coaster that carried all the way through the final vote reading. By my measure, this was not a good end to to a mediocre season…this was a GREAT end to what became a pretty strong season.
The Finale was not without controversy (Twitter was all up in arms about a few specifics, which we’ll get to). But before we get ahead of ourselves, the normal disclaimer: Please remember that this recap assumes that you have already seen this week’s Finale Episode of Survivor: HHH, so if you have not and don’t want to be spoiled, please come back later! It’s important to add too that while we WILL hit on all of the important developments of the episode, this is not a linear “blow-by-blow” recap, and is more of a discussion and reaction of what we just witnessed together.
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE, AND THIS IS YOUR LAST *SPOILER* WARNING!
One thing I love about this show is that I can always expect Kyle Richards to be not only badly and unfortunately dressed (what is she thinking with all these muumuu-sized sleeves – just wear a kaftan already!), but also grasping for acceptance. Only Kyle would get excited about swinging a Birkin around years after everyone has gotten over them. And yes, it’s a lovely color, and it’s still obviously an extremely expensive bag, but girl, just like we have MOVED ON from Kim Richards drama, we have moved on from Birkin worship. Except Kyle has done neither. We do not need an opening episode that drags Rambles up from the dregs, but apparently Kyle thinks we do.
Jax Taylor is the least surprising person on Vanderpump Rules? Possibly in the whole species universe. His life cycle is drink, cheat, lie, repeat. Dude, even freaking amoebas evolve. You know what else doesn’t evolve: Lala Kent‘s makeup. Yep, she reappears this episode with the same crazy over-lined lips but also a promise not to ‘Jax’ Lisa Vanderpump over ever again. Maybe change does happen on Vanderpump Rules?
So Jax cheated on Brittany Cartwright with her friend Faith Stowers, possibly impregnating her, and after posturing like she might actually leave reality TV him, they’re having more sex than EVER! Brittany just wants to feel something with Jax; she wants to know he loves her more than all the other girls. That logic is, well, that’s the reason she’s in a relationship with Jax! But doesn’t Brittany’s relationship with Jesus remind her that she should have some moral standing, or standards? I don’t understand reality TV religion.
Not gonna lie, I shed a wee tear last night after the madness of 90 Day Fiance season five drew to a close. What are we going to do with our lives until the next crop of morons is rustled up for season six?!? My husband asked me last night during the three-hour marathon if I “sometimes felt like a bad person?” for watching this train wreck. Um….NO. No I do not, sir! TLC has accomplished the impossible, has it not? It has literally made me feel better about every life choice I have ever made, and for that I am forever indebted.
As mentioned in the previous recap, I’ll only be covering the one-hour finale in short order, but oh boy – is there lots o’ drama in last night’s Tell All to snark on too! Feel free to do so in the comments section, where all snark is embraced and cherished equally. Now, on to the show. In the interest of getting to the good stuff, let’s run down the highlights of each couples’ final moments with us. We laughed, we cried, we cringed with embarrassment at the bras hanging out of people’s backless shirts. It was a journey, people.