Before we get to the hubby drama, Andy Cohen reintroduces the ladies of Potomac. Last seen, Robyn Dixon was calling for “SECURRRRRITY!” to stop her from beating Katie Rost’s petulant behind with her bedazzled shoe. Still heated as Katie continually cuts her off, Robyn shrugs, “F-k it!” then offers a “This b*tch” under her breath before continuing.
The episode awakens amid the chaotic domestic scene of Jules Wainstein‘s morning. I presume the live-in nanny doesn’t do childcare before 9am? Jules struggles to make coffee for husband Michael, then announces she’s eating half his breakfast, and then puts both kids in the bathtub, even though they’re perilously perched on being late to school – as always. Not that Jules cares. Paying tuition entitles her to reinvent the clock, so she can be an hour late everyday if she wants to. It’s Jules‘ world and we’re all living on Jules time – it’s hair flip o’clock somewhere!
The blessed event is upon us: the day Briana Reneeremarries the Clyde to her Bonnie, the Ride to her Die, Matt Ericson (aka Matthew Aaric Grundhoffer). While some of the Little Women: LA ladies are left off of the guest list celebrating their good fortune, one former friend seemingly ambushes Briana’s big day to…show her undying loyalty? Worm her way back into Briana’s life? Get more camera time? Perhaps all of the above! In any case, when Christy McGinity Gibel shows up at Briana’s wedding unannounced, Briana is forced to decide whether to forgive or forget her.
Terra Jole and Jasmine Sorge are taking a stroll through the woods contemplating the mess Terra has made of her life. After the police report and media coverage of Terra hitting Christy in the head with a glass, Terra sees no need to make amends with her. As for Briana, Terra wants an apology for all of her past lies, but that ain’t gonna happen. So it looks like that’s bridge #2 burned. Jasmine tears up through her hundred foot eyelashes, confessing that she is stressed to the max being Briana’s matron of honor. In further sad news, Briana may not have invited her family to the wedding despite claiming she “wanted to.” Whatever that means.
I hate a finales in general. Everyone circles like sharks, lurking for damage control, eager to take down the pre-appointed prey. And to the shark with the sharpest teeth, go the tastiest camera morsels. However, it’s important to remember that sharks are not smart – they are reactionary creatures whose successful existence hinges on their ability to annihilate prey quickly and effectively, which accounts for their survival, basically unchanged after millions of years. This is where Housewives fail. Their takedowns are rarely streamlined, timely, or effective.
Such is the case at Kyle Richards‘ party, held in the house she stole from Kim Richards. What a shocker that Kim is there, holding a sign that reads “Property Of KimKillah.” I believe Brandi Glanville did her hair and makeup. That is the only excuse for the bootleg I Dream Of Jeanie looking Bump-it hair and wandering cat-eye makeup. But at least Kim isn’t smuggling vodka in her iced coffee. Instead, she’s smiling, eager and willing to pretend all the nastiness of Palm Springs pasts never happened.
Last night’s Dance Moms was it…the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. I think I took it about as well as Abby Lee Miller, and I’ve had a head’s up for months! As the episode begins, the mothers are all atwitter about whether Melissa and her daughters will be sticking with the ALDC. When asked pointblank, Melissa admits that Maddie and MacKenzie will be exploring other opportunities and will no longer be a part of the elite team. Jill feels betrayed. Holly is confused that she wasn’t able to share this news long before now. Ashlee (I’m not shocked) is convinced that Melissa leaked the news of Maddie’s departure to the media herself in order to create more of a buzz. She may actually be on to something! Melissa promises she was just following her attorney’s advice, and hey, at least the moms’ know before MacKenzie does…she has no clue. Melissa predicts that Abby will be sad about letting go of her daughters, but happy that she’s prepared them for fame. Good luck with that.
Melissa approaches Abby who seems more consumed with her lipstick than Melissa’s admission. Melissa hems and haws and feigns fake tears while staring at the ceiling before breaking the news that this her daughters’ last season with the ALDC. Abby freezes, and Melissa is quick to assure the emotionally fragile studio owner that she had nothing to do with the rumors that her daughters would be peacing out from Abby’s tutelage. Abby quickly regains composure and warns Melissa that Maddie better never be on So You Think You Can Dance, Kids! Melissa back pedals. Melissa stumbles over her words, “Um no, Maddie won’t be, um, dancing on So You Think You Can Dance, Kids. No, no dancing. I can promise you I have never even heard of that new show that my daughter is in no way affiliated with so, um…” Don’t quit your day job, Melissa, if your day job is not being a giant liar. Abby tears up and acknowledges the cameras…why did Melissa wait until now to break this news? Could she not have given her a courtesy phone call?
Cole finally pops the question! We don’t get to see it happen, but we see a few cute pictures and Aubree draws it out for her grandma. Here’s how it went down: Cole took Chelsea to his favorite spot in the woods where he had pictures of the two of them and Aubree hanging on surrounding trees. Aubree was with him so he asked her if it was okay to marry her mommy. He had already asked Chelsea’s parents for their permission and he designed the ring. We get it, Cole is disgustingly perfect.
Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Did you love it? I kinda loved it – it had all the right elements: one supremely delusional crazy mean girl, fun-loving weirdo besties, a gal with secrets up the wazoo in her closet, a plastic surgeon’s wife (and bizarre-seeming marriage). I’m here for this. Hand me a pair of spurs – lets prod these bitches!
In Dallas, the houses are huge, but the fashions and hair are Real Housewives Of Orange County circa 2008: satin, rhinestones, single-platform peeptoe Loubs. There is also a lot of frosted eyeshadow.
First we meet Brandi Redmond, who is unofficially the ‘star.’ Brandi, a redhead, is married to her JUNIOR HIGH sweetheart Brad (also a redhead), and they have two redheaded daughters who sit on the counter, one of whom wants to join the circus. Which makes her like the future LeeAnne Locken, former carny-child turned wannabe socialite.
As with every episode, the show begins with each charmer starting a new day in the Holy City. Negotiating a real estate contract reminds Cameran just how much she loves being a modern Southern woman. Her place doesn’t have to be in the kitchen (or in the nursery) – she can have a career! She just needs husband Jason to pick up an ink cartridge for the printer on his way home so she can commence with commerce. Scarlett O’Hara was also a modern Southern woman, but even she knew when to call in reinforcements. Cameran reveals that after two years of marriage, Jason is ready for a baby. Unfortunately, Cameran’s biological clock has yet to start ticking, but she’s building up to some mild domestication with a practice round–she’s planning a dinner party for her friends.