Last night’s Southern Charm was like an SNL review from Stefon. It had EVERYTHING. Butt cracks and callousness, polo and pettiness, and after dark, this plantation rages with the owner of the Boar’s Nest, insecure Florence Nightengales, and one very promising comeback kid. There is so much to recap, I’ll just dive into the craziness. It’s why we’re all here, right?
Craig Conover is still suffering from the great butter knife incident of ’17, and it is making it very difficult for him to follow his dreams to master the Singer. He recruits his roommate for help while whining about Patricia Altschul not giving him one more day to produce the pillow that would knock her caftan right off–alas, Ms. Pat does things on principle…like not extended already greatly extended deadlines. She’s so rigid!
Tinsley Mortimer gets put on blast for being a psycho girlfriend trying on wedding dresses behind Scott’s back, and Dorinda Medley confronts Bethenny about the tension between them. Dorinda also can’t seem to un-trigger herself when it comes to Sonja Morgan and her delusions of family crests and P. Diddy on yachts. Why can’t Dorinda just be cool? Not, like, all uncool? She needs to back that sh*t up before someone screams “TAKE A XANAX! CALM DOWN!” the next time Sonja’s harmless deer slippers are waved in front of her face.
Why are so many people unhappy on Below Deck Mediterranean? From the crew to the guests – why must all these interlopers to the bucolic scenery, ancient towns, and stunning blue water bring their cloudy, crusty, rosè tears, tequila tantrums, and salty swimsuit bottom dramas?
WHO LOOKS FOR REASONS TO COMPLAIN AMID ALL THAT BEAUTY? Well OK, I could see being unhappy with Joao Franco, but I can’t see willingly exposing yourself to his predatory nonsense ergo looking for reasons to be unhappy with him (I’m looking at you, Brooke Laughton and Kasey Cohen!).
As for everyone else being so sad – maybe it’s the realization that they pale miserably in comparison to everything the Mediterranean has to offer, which brings out the worst in these people. They are all the gumballs gunking up the deep blue sea.
Well, it is here, the Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant reunion. Our girls are all grown up and watching the clips of them pregnant and having their babies in full makeup and fancy clothes. It is the typical reunion set up for the franchise, but no Dr. Drew. In fact, Nessa didn’t even host. I never thought I would miss either of them but I did. I forgot how the pacing of these reunion shows used to go when you scrunched everyone into the same hour and didn’t drag it out for three episodes and include a couple hallway fights and backstage temper tantrums.
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. Both a little scared, neither one prepared…everyone on this freaking show. Okay, it’s not a fairytale, but it does involve some witches, evil spells and even a trip to the magical land of genies! Yes, this week’s 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever Aftercontinues its journey into the abyss as a sweaty, grumpy Nicole lands in Morocco with poor little May while Azan rallies as much enthusiasm as he can muster for the marriage he never wanted. Molly flees her own home to escape Luis, Anfisa tries to threaten the truth out of Jorge (um, hint: it ain’t working!), and Chantel decides she still hates Pedro’s sister as much as The Family Chantel hates driving anywhere in separate vehicles.
Disclaimer: I had a grand epiphany during last night’s Southern Charm, and it is shared throughout the recap. I knew the hyped disappearance of Kathryn Dennis had nothing to do with falling off the wagon, so I was hellbent on figuring out Bravo’s angle. I was horribly wrong in my assumption. What’s that saying about when you assume? I become an *asshat. I’ll own it. Regardless, this show keeps getting better and better! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
As the Charmers get ready for their day, Cameran Eubanks revels in her boobaliciousness to Chelsea Meissner, Thomas Ravenel tries to drown himself in his bathroom sink, and Danni Baird and Naomie Olindo are worried about Kathryn’s whereabouts. She skipped out on a boxing class with Naomie, and she isn’t answering any calls. Danni realizes it has been four days since her last communication with Kathryn. Concerned, Naomie dials Shep Rose, but he’s not worried. Have you seen Kathryn’s phone? It’s probably on the fritz.
Luann de Lesseps is fresh out of rehab, so of course, it’s time to whisk her away for a wine-fueled weekend and cruel reminders of her failed marriage. Naturally! The Real Housewives of New York head to the Mayflower Spa in CT, where Luann learns that Ramona Singer tried to score an invite to Tom D’Agostino’s New Year’s Eve party – yup, the very one Luann had heard about in dreaded NOT-WEST-PALM-BEACH! Dorinda Medley continues to peck at Sonja Morgan about her penchant for hanging on to the past, while Bethenny Frankel comes to Sonja’s rescue. Even weakened allies are still allies, I guess?
Before they leave, Luann greets Dorinda at her new apartment – you know, the one she barely moved into before getting cuffed and booked? The PENTHOUSE, dahling! Now, she’s baking cookies and brewing coffee in an effort to keep the rehab/yoga/therapy pink cloud going. Dorinda is glad Lu’s doing so well and hopes a trip to the spa will help her stay in a safe cocoon. Um, except that cocoon contains a Ramona, so…maybe not so safe. Luann’s already heard that Ramona was trying to score an invitation to Tom’s NYE party, which is mind-blowing considering what went down last year.
The episode opens with the crew out on the town. Brooke Laughton is sulking on a dirty street corner like the naughty school girl she swears she’s not and gives Adam Glick some word salad about how much she likes him. When Adam doesn’t reciprocate she bursts into tears. I would’ve sworn Adam was the type who couldn’t resist a damsel in distress – turns out I was wrong! He gently explains to Brooke that she’s just drunk, lonely, and emotional. (Does anyone else suspect producers put her up to this to try and tempt Adam back into Sandy’s trap?!)