Recaps

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Last night, we all got treated to a bonus episode of Teen Mom 2 and if you happened to miss it, I’m here to give you all the details on what went down.

Kailyn Lowry has waited six long years but she is finally finished with school! As much as she wants to focus on that achievement, Jo has a focus of his own and that’s getting 50/50 custody of Isaac in place. He calls his dad and explain that he tried to talk to Kail about the whole thing first but since she didn’t react well to that and refused to hear him out, he had no choice but to file papers with his lawyer. His dad hopes that it will be resolved before they even get to court but Jo doesn’t look so sure.

Dance Moms 5

It’s Dance Moms time again, y’all! I apologize for missing last week, but Irma left me without power…a small inconvenience given the magnitude of her damage, and our thoughts and prayers continue to go out to everyone affected by this recent rash of horrific storms. Abby Lee Miller is back (oh yea), the Ianas moms are still incredibly annoying (a feat given the company they keep), and Ashlee has a decision so big that it warranted a two-parter. It’s apparent I didn’t miss much in the hiatus, save for the grand dame’s return!

Chloe is leading her group number, and Christi wants to make sure she arrives early in hopes of allowing her daughter to avoid the ALDC. Little does she know, her friends won’t be competing because Abby has chosen the minis over her veterans. The mini moms are salivating to be in Abby’s spotlight. They remind Abby that she has been abandoned by her disloyal older group, and now she has a new group of bright young talent to mold. As the mothers talk over each other in hopes of garnering Abby’s attention, she barks that the minis just need to hope they make it through this week. Abby can’t focus on a future with these mothers and their girls until she runs through their solos. She screams corrections at the dancers and then calls Kate Gosselin 2.0 Hair over to dispose of her lunch trash. She happily obliges hoping Abby won’t notice her sick daughter isn’t dancing up to par.

Jen Howell Gets drunk

Last night, Below Deck was plagued by more crew issues as one man fell asleep, another fell ill, a stewardess fell into the clutches of Jesus, and a fourth fell into a toilet while wasted. Good times!

Well, where on the yacht is Chris Brown, y’all?! Captain Lee Rosbach sure wants to know! While his fellow-deck hands are busting butt to prepare for charter, Chris Brown is passed out in his bunk after a night of partying too hard. I was hoping we’d see a Captain Lee explosion when he discovered Chris Brown put booze before valor, but unfortunately the first mate fell ill the day before the charter and that superseded any Chris Brown drama. For now.

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Last night on Vanderpump Rules Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, the show tries to answer the question that has plagued VPR since its conception: will Jax Taylor ever grow up? That would be a big and resounding NO. Because you can’t fix a 37 year old man who has been slinging his own self-absorbed ego around L.A. since he arrived four nose jobs ago. Just like my title suggests, if you put lipstick on a pig it’s still a pig, even if said pig is Mamaw’s adorable new piglet, Bacon Bit. Just like you can’t make Jax do farm chores and expect him to suddenly be all wholesome.

Case in point: after many fishbowls of alcohol, Jax gets belligerent drunk at the bar with Brittany Cartwright and it causes a huge blowup between them. Not only does he try and start a fight with some locals and yells white trash at them, but he also repeately tells his own girlfriend to eff off and antagonizes her best friend. Thankfully, there was no chunky sweater to abandon in a parking lot while challenging someone else to a fist fight this time but clearly, Jax has not come very far since that moment years ago.

The Honest Tea heats up

This episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas had everything, a proposal, women (and men) behaving badly and of course, a charity event. Perhaps what’s most refreshing about Dallas is that all the women play ball. This episode could potentially go down as a defining moment in this show’s run. It channeled “The Dinner Party from Hell” on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and even rivaled some moments from some of The Real Housewives of New York City trips to remember. No one held back when they sat down for tea for what seemed like nine and one-half hours. Here we go…

The show opens with a charity event. It’s the Essential Energy Fall Reception and guess who’s the keynote speaker? LeeAnne Locken, naturally. D’Andra Simmons and Kameron Westcott come to show their support. LeeAnne’s speech covers overcoming obstacles and the need to belong. Each week we learn a little more about D’Andra. This week, through her correlation to LeeAnne’s story, we hear that she too suffered from abandonment issues coming from a broken home. Mama Dee left her father and it destroyed his life. On a positive note, we’re treated to a fantastic vintage picture with Dee having the biggest hairdo in Texas.

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Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like a community theater acting troupe doing a play about Real Housewives. The costumes were bad, the over-acting was worse, and no one was winning any Emmys, but damn if Tamra Judge wasn’t trying her hardest!

Can we just stop doing this whole Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson will be friends again thing? RHOC is trying so desperately to insist they both care, with all the fake tears and carrying on and hullabaloo over two women so emotionally divorced from each other they can’t even get angry convincingly. David Beador Lydia McLaughlin crawling on the stairs begging Shannon Beador to just. stop? Yep, that is my reaction to yet another episode of will they? Or won’t they? Can Tamicki ever be put back together again?

Teen Mom 2 Recap

Last night’s episode of Teen Mom 2 has given us the long-awaited conclusion of Jenelle Evans’ court battle for Jace. Spoiler alert: Jenelle doesn’t exactly get her way. Speaking of court, Kailyn Lowry thought she could catch a break from it now that her divorce is finalized but her ex, Jo Rivera, has different plans and she finds herself speed dialing a lawyer again. The other Teen Moms have decidedly less drama so let’s start with them.

Life is good for Chelsea DeBoer and husband Cole as they plan for their upcoming wedding reception and settle into life as a family of four. Chelsea meets her Dad downtown at her Stepmom’s shop to pick up the kids after Randy watched them last night. They talk about how Aubree is going to see Adam Lind for Father’s Day but Chelsea isn’t so sure she will actually do anything outside of seeing him. On the drive home, Chelsea asks Aubree if she’s excited to see her Dad and she says he always sleeps when she is there and never plays with him.

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I have to admit, when I saw that tonight’s episode of Shahs of Sunset was titled “A Tale of Two Turkeys” I was worried we would spend the episode rehashing the two different versions of events that Mike Shouhed and Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi presented from their fateful cast trip to Turkey a few years ago. I guess I have spent too long following the Shahs but either way, I was relieve to find out that the turkey the title is referring to is just good old fashioned Turkey Day because it’s Thanksgiving on the Sunset. Time to give thanks, right? If by “thanks” I mean gossip, backstabbing and meddling in each other’s business! God, I love the holidays.

We open with Mike and buddy once more Reza Farahan walking their dogs and talking crudely about Mike’s dating life. Who really belongs on the leash here? Anyway, Reza thinks that it’s time that Mike gets back into the dating game and while Mike assures everyone that it’s not for lack of options, he feels like when you have been cheating with someone for 5 years, it’s hard to get back into dating mode. Plus, he’s not technically divorced yet, although that didn’t seem to stop him from dating when he was actually married. Reza is shocked to hear this news, especially since he took the liberty of circling the divorce finalization date in a red sharpie marker on his calendar, signaling that it’s FINAL. I guess because if Reza uses a red sharpie, then all of the mediation, negotiation and litigation that it takes to finalize a divorce gets trumped by a red marker? I can’t understand why Reza is so shocked to hear this but since he has to turn everything into an ulterior motive, he asks Mike if he’s dragging his feet on the divorce because he’s still emotionally invested. Mike maintains that he’s just not ready and who knows, he probably has a full plate with all the baby shoes he selling (or something).