One of the biggest and most anticipated season premieres is happening tonight, folks. If you can stand the gratuitous violence and confusing story line, then I would be talking about Game of Thrones. If you can stand the gratuitous ridiculousness and idiotic story line, I’m talking about Shahs of Sunset. SOS isn’t totally devoid of violence either, thanks to Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi and her face clawing ways, you just won’t have to endure quite as much of it since she has apparently learned to meditate this season.
But before we delve into the abyss of GG’s tragic life, we have to drop in on everyone’s favorite sloppy soulmates, Mercedes “MJ” Javid and fiancé Tommy Feight. Yes, they are still together and yes, still engaged. In fact, they have even moved in together and I’m assuming that happened yesterday, by the looks of it. There are boxes, lucite stripper heels and empty bottles of vodka strewn about as MJ’s dog is busy licking the wrapper of a cheese and crackers packet that is discarded on the couch. MJ kicks her dirty feet up and we learn that a filthy apartment isn’t the scariest part of this living situation –it’s the fact that her mother Vida lives in the same complex. As in, she can look down from her tower of misery and see MJ’s place.
You know, many of us have wondered if there’s just something missing from this summer’s 90 Day Fiance. Since we’re looking at the “Happily Ever After” lives of already-married couples, the usual drama of whether or not these confused souls will get married (not to mention whether they should) is obviously absent. Then again, we do have Jorge and Anfisa, Danielle and Mohamed, and Russ and Paola to keep the drama intense – if not a bit recycled. Instead of wondering if they will or won’t wed, we’re left to wonder how long until they’re dead divorced. In any case – I’ll take what I can get. Because no matter how guilty I feel for watching this divine mess week after week, year after year, I just can’t quit this show!
This week, Chantel finds out that Pedro has been sending more money home than her unemployed a$$ is comfortable with, Danielle verifies that she did indeed consummate her marriage with Mohamed <dry heave>, Loren and Alexei talk to Alexei’s mom about Tourette’s, Russ and Paola try to get past their night with Juan, and Jorge’s sister, Lourdes, attempts an intervention on her deeply deluded brother. To absolutely no avail, of course. But hey – you can’t blame a gal for trying! Anfisa takes this whole scene very well, by the way, meaning that she refrains from stabbing anyone with a steak knife in public.
After a season of arguments, backstabbing, cheating, and manipulation, Kevin Frazier is here to keep all of the gals of Little Women: LA in check as they assemble for a Season Six Reunion. And he’s definitely the man for the job! This is not his first time holding Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer]’s nasty feet to the fire, and he’s no stranger to muzzling Terra Jole with a few stern comments. Essentially, he’s the BOMB. Similar to LWLA Reunions past, Matt’s cheating takes center stage, as does Terra’s psychotic antics. Thus, the more things change, the more time Matt has to create new d*ck pic galleries they stay the same.
First, let’s examine the seating order: Terra, Tonya Banks, and (shockingly) Christy McGinity Gibel sit on one couch facing Elena Gant, Jasmine Sorge, and Briana Renee (plus one scumbag, intermittently) on the other. This is a notable change from last year, when Christy was Briana’s only remaining ally and Elena was Terra’s staunchest defender. My, my – how times have changed!
As The Real Housewives Of New York get ready for their Mexico trip, sponsored by Skinnygirl (TM)Bethenny Frankel, Tinsley Mortimer decides to mimic her favorite gradeschool character by moving into a room on the tippy top floor! (Eloise shout out) of her favorite hotel. Because she’s a grownup now and thinks this will prove it. Plus, moving furniture is just too overwhelming – as is walking, thinking, breathing, and blinking for dear Tins. In fact, she’s getting the vapors just thinking about it all. She just wants to kiss random men in public (like the one Carole Radziwill sets her up with) and get her blowouts on the UES, where room service and clean towels rain down from heaven!!!
Good thing Sonja Morgan’s new eyebrows have been painted solidly to her face, so she’s able to make the wide assortment of facial expressions necessary when Tinsley announces her big-girl plans at dinner. Meanwhile, Ramona Singer’s also got a few facial contortions expressions in store for Bethenny, who sits down with her frenemy to discuss her trip invite – or lack thereof.
Does anyone else hate it when we don’t get a fresh episode for the week? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast let alone what happened two weeks ago on Below Deck Mediterranean.
Good thing Bravo is there to catch us up with a quick clip of what’s happened in general: Chef Adam Glick spites guests with onions and also hooked up with Deckhand Malia White before the charter started. Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier did some hooking up of her own with a primary charter guest, which led to Christine “Bugsy” Drake to read her private messages with said guest and tell everyone about it. Bobby Giancola and Max Hagley were happy to help spread the gossip. Lauren Cohen was the only one who stayed on Hannah’s side.
The Southern Charm reunions have certainly come a long way from those initial clubhouse sessions, but do we ever get to hear exactly what we’re hoping to hear? It’s usually just one giant tease, but at least we got our fair share of veiled threats and backhanded accusations on last night’s first installment with less screaming, for once. Andy Cohen begins by congratulating Craig Conover on passing the bar. He compliments the fierceness of Kathryn Dennis‘ hair (RIP bump-its and bad extensions, thank goodness) while refraining from comment on her busted Scarlett O’Hara knock-off. Andy is happy to learn that Shep Rose has escaped the lingering enzyme, Thomas Ravenel loves being Mr. Mom (when he makes it out to the guest house), and Cameran Eubanks is glowing with a baby girl due in November. Mentioning Cam could name her daughter Landon, Andy basically skips over Landon Clements before announcing newbie Austen Kroll (Shep 2.0) has a nice ass. It’s not a lie!
The evening begins with some jovial Craig bashing as Shep teases him about being a jealous, lying wannabe mediator with no game whatsoever (so I’m paraphrasing). Craig cites quality over quantity when it comes to past hook-ups after Shep jokes that Craig sleeps in the bed with girls without even trying anything. Craig correctly reminds Shep that being respectful is far better than Shep’s nightly kiss-and-tells. Focusing more on the embroidery king, the jabs at Craig’s domesticity abound save for Cameran gushing about the onesie he created. Craig is a hobbyist, and he sits quietly as his friends tease him about going into gardening law. Shep jokes that Craig’s long-winded responses would make him a fortune as an attorney who is paid by the hour.
Washing up on the shores of the California beaches, amid the shells and driftwood, is the rubble of last season’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. Littering the sands with shards of shattered friendships, filthy accusations, and broken down dignities; a bent halo, some empty vodka and champs bottles, and Shannon Beador‘s former self, now soaked and waterlogged by the hours of tears she’s spilled over the terrible lies Vicki Gunvalson told. The fate of the world, and the Orange County coastline — along with the safety and health of Briana’s children – all rests in Vicki’s handbag! Thankfully she’s not crazy or anything…
So the taglines: let’s start there. What makes Tamra Judge “highly prized”? Or was she just proud of herself for coming up with a rhyme. Hook’d on Phonics worked for her! Vicki’s tagline informs us that she’s not going home, but what she means is that this show is her home, and you are not going to drop any interloping houses on her head! She clicked her ruby slippers together three times and dragged Briana from the land of tornadoes to get here.
So, before we get into the all-new drama, let’s take a trip down memory lane to relive all the craziness from season 11. Maybe a tequila will help refresh things?! And season 11 was full of crashes and burns (literally), boozes and burns (literally), and plenty of rides from hell.
The season opened with Vicki all by herself, and seeking absolution after lying – in some capacity – about what she knew about Brooks Ayers‘ phony cancer scheme. Obviously no one wants to forgive Vicki because it doesn’t seem possible that she totally didn’t realize he was faking a terminal illness for money and attention.