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Last night on Couples Therapy the brilliant professionalism that is Dr. Jenn Berman explored *gasp* secrets. Secrets soooo big, and soooo deep, and soooo like secrety that the cameras had to be turned off on Farrah Abraham so Farrah could secret in secret. And also scrunch up her face while stage whispering, aka cry. 

Other than that, Ghostface's secret girlfriend Latrice came to the house to discover that Ghost also has a secret girlfriend named Kelsey. In the world of Ghost this is just how he gets his mack on, in the world of the rest of us, Ghost should just give up the ghost and accept that he's a middle-aged man with a midlife crisis. Oh, did I say that out loud? Cause I wish Dr. Jenn would have! Basically what I'm saying here is that last night's Couples Therapy was about one singular sensation who no one would ever date and one menage-a-trois dysfunctional relationship. So like where the couples at?

No one likes Farrah. I mean of course not - she makes condescending snarky comments to everyone, walks around with her fake nose in the air, and acts like it's all their faults she's a liar. Also everyone sees through her. Taylor Armstrong slurs that the "floral skirts with ballet flats aren't fooling me." Exactly how is Taylor getting sloshed every night "therapeutic"? 

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mob wives renee

So, the ladies of Mob Wives are officially my jam. I've always watched. I've always liked it. This season, however, I love it. I want to be friends with Drita and Ang. For real. Are they not fabulous? 

Alicia diMichele Garofalo calls Natalie Guercio to share the news that her husband Eddie is getting sentenced that day. Needless to say, she's bugging out over whether the judge will accept Eddie's plea deal. Alicia knows that the media is going to explode with this new development. Natalie is supportive but also worried for her friend. They can't help but fear the worst. On Staten Island, Natalie is meeting with Renee Graziano and air kisses ensue. Well, that's better than throwing brunch foods, right? Renee opens with the fact that their bad blood should end their Mob Candy business relationship. Natalie interrupts to say that she's known that since Renee put her in a headlock and never paid her. Renee is confused that she lost what she thought was the upper hand so quickly. Her eyes are darting all over the place like she's watching a ping pong tournament. The ladies discuss their apologies, but can only agree that Renee's was insincere…Natalie meant every word. Renee doesn't believe that Natalie's apology or her Halloween invitation were genuine. Natalie is able to keep her calm and relay her feelings without looking like a crazy person. Renee should take note. Wait…is she? Renee wonders what she can do to heal their relationship. Renee seems fine until she hears the word "loyalty." I think she may blow a gasket! Renee can barely contain her insane anger before storming out of the restaurant. Dear Natalie, shirts are meant to cover your midriff. 

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reza-farahan-asa-soltan-rahmati

I saw a lot of tears during Shahs of Sunset last night. Reza Farahan and Asa Soltan Rahmati cried at the border of Iran,  Mercedes "MJ" Javid broke down when her biological clock experienced a moment of sobriety,  and I cried when I realized my kids weren't going to school today. #SnowDayNumberSeven

Before we dive into that heavy stuff, we have to see Reza talk Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi through putting a suppository up her butt to curb motion sickness. Because 1) the Shahs of Susnet are going yachting. 2) Sea-Bands or Ginger Root wouldn't make for good TV. 

Reza offers to help, because they're totally BFFs again, "Loch-nesa and I are so close now that actually putting something in her butt doesn't seem as alarming to me as it should."  Oh Reza, you slay me.  Only, not.  Go away. GG carries on, screaming about her backdoor being exit only, but she figures it out.

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teen-mom-2-leah

Last night's episode of Teen Mom 2 temporarily humanized our snarkiness as Leah Calvert learned the realities of Ali's muscular dystrophy. 

Kail Lowry heads to an ultrasound appointment sans Javi Marroquin because Jo Rivera won't let her move out of state with Isaac and now she's all allllloneee! Apparently she's been emotionally eating to drown her sorrows because the doctor warns her that gaining a pound and a half per week isn't a good idea. "Lay off the fettuccine alfredo," he instructs. 

Everything looks healthy but Kail is waiting until Javi can be there to find out the sex. Kail calls Javi from the car and complains that she's soooo stressed planning a wedding while pregnant. Maybe postpone the wedding until after you've had the baby then? Just a thought – especially since they're already legally married for the benefits and stuff. 

Then Kail and Jo have a major custody blowup. Kail is now refusing to bring Isaac to Jo's parents' if he's not home. On their custody exchange day, Kail learns from Jo that he's running late so she calls Javi - in front of Isaac – to whine about what a terrible, negligent parent Jo is. Nice Kail.

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dance moms abby

Abby Lee Miller never ceases to amaze me with her hatefulness as she pits Chloe against…Chloe? This show is totally fake, right? On last night's Dance Moms, the troupe convenes for the pyramid, but instead of praising the girls for their great victories in the last competition, she goes through a laundry list of Kelly and Christi's bad behavior. Next she introduces the team to "the new Chloe" who she found at the open call in Orlando. She makes the Chloes stand side-by-side, and poor vintage Chloe looks totally crestfallen. I wonder if Chloe 2.0's mom knows what she's gotten her daughter into with Abby! 

MacKenzie is on the bottom for not winning her division followed by Brooke who is a slave to her smart phone. Paige places one step higher than her sister for technical issues. Kendall rounds out the bottom. Chloe is the last on the second rung for not being perfect in the trio. Third from the top is the new Chloe. Why not? That's totally fair. Maddie takes the second spot, and girlfriend does not like it when she's not on top. She should never play poker. I am so proud of Nia for making it to the top of the pyramid. Well deserved, for sure! Kendall and Nia will be performing a jazz routine. Old Chloe and new Chloe will dancing head to head in solos. Melissa starts to shake…why can't Maddie compete against the new Chloe?

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vpr-recap

Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!

Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.

Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there. 

Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy

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rhobh-recap

Last night Carlton Gebbia really let the witch out of the bag – flying broomsticks, evil spells, creepy crystal floral talismans and all! 

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are friends-ish again. Well at least for the sake of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills purposes. Since Ken and Mauricio truly are friends, Kyle and Lisa decide to get together with Kevin Lee (!!) to throw a joint birthday party. Oh Kevin Lee… let's discuss what's going on atop your head: part Brillo pad, part tasered porcupine: too much hair gel, mmmkay. 

As Lisa and Kyle divvy up the guest list Kyle gets all porcupiney - she just wants to know why there's gotta be teams allocating who invites whom. 

UGH – let's just take a moment to discuss Kyle. Listen, Kyle was annoying me the whole episode: she kept making her little snarky comments, making everything into a bigger deal than it was, and sneaking in shade while acting like everything was fine – basically she was Splits-ing. But then CARLTON! Snarlton… SNARLTON with her Wicked Witch of The Valley complete with California Raisin face had to go all wicca-wacka and made me feel bad for Kyle. There's more to Kyle's witchiness than her fondness for flowing robes, but compared to Snarlton, Kyle is a sweet innocent. 

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love hip hop reunion tahiry monique joe

Don't fail us Mo'Nique! We've been through enough piddly hosts, so I hope she's able to hold her own with the crazy crew of Love & Hip Hop! Last night was the first half of the reunion, and Mo'Nique started with a long-winded monolog about adventures and riveting stories. Yeah, not so much. Forget about the story lines, lets talk hair! I can't decide if Yandy Smith looks like a fabulous pin-up or if she's been playing in Hugh Hefner's closet. I never thought I'd want Tara Wallace to put back on the blonde wig–I know many will disagree with me, but that pixie cut isn't doing her any favors..not to mention that dress looks like a surfer's rash guard! She's a gorgeous lady, and that hairstyle makes her look mousy. Tahiry Jose's hair looks amazing in the blunt ombre'd bob. Joe Budden is dressed like my best friend's five-year-old on Easter Sunday. 

Okay, now onto the reunion! Yandy reveals that she talks to Mendeecees Harris on the phone about five times a day. Mo'Nique warns that those collect calls can get expensive! Do inmates really get that many phone privileges? We are treated to an Erica Mena/Cyn make-out montage. We get, VH1, they're lesbians! Sure they are. The pair is still together (thanks to Chipotle!) as they are holding hands on the sofa. Rich Dollaz' jealousy is well documented in clips, and he looks just as stupid as I remember. Rich joins the twosome on the sofa, and he tells Mo'Nique that he didn't have any loyalty to Cyn in her relationship with Erica, and he's a self-proclaimed creep. He feels sorry for Cyn because he thinks she's a prop in his back-and-forth with Erica.

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