It’s July 1: five months before Teresa’s expected release and eight months before Joe begins his sentence. Joe is fixing Milania’shair while he reflects on becoming “Mr. Mom.” Meanwhile, Melissa Gorga shows up to take Gia, Gabriella, Milania, and Audrianato get pedicures with her daughter, Antonia. Melissa says she’s reached out to Teresa in prison, but she hasn’t heard back because “Teresa’s email chain is full.” <side eye> Melissa is still praying for her, though because she knows which side her Bravo bread is buttered on. Antonia and Milania, who have always shared a special bond, hold hands the entire way to the salon. #tendermoment
Last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy left me just a tad more stupid than it normally does. I can’t even mentally prepare an introduction, so we’re just going to dive right in! The show begins with Chef KJ in the kitchen with Tracey, and Kim Zolciak-Biermann admits that he picks up on everything. Whether Kim is eating a cookie, cussing up a storm, or drinking wine for breakfast, he’s going to notice, so she needs to be on her best behavior. Kim then asks Tracey why the f*@% she didn’t call her the day before. And we wonder why KJ’s every other word is bleeped. Tracey admits that she and Brooklyn have broken up again. The couple has been on and off for a decade, but Tracey swears this time their relationship is over for good. Tracey plans to get a tattoo that Brooklyn forbade her from getting just for spite.
Brielle, Slade, and Ariana are dining together, and Ariana questions her sister about the future. Brielle has grand plans for stardom, but first she needs food. Filet mig-non, anyone? Ariana rolls her eyes and chides Slade about following her sister out west. He’s so whipped, he’ll definitely do it. Brielle wants to approach her mom and Kroy about the two of them living together. Slade knows her parents would never agree, but she reasons that they’d rather have her shack up with Slade in Los Angeles than live alone. Her parents need to stop treating her like she’s fourteen. That was so four years ago!
Oh, Little Women: LA. Can’t you all just get along? All that’s standing between Elena Gant and her dreams of renewing her vows with hubby Preston are the Pacific Ocean and a small tribe of very dysfunctional women ready to, quite literally, sling mud at each other. This week, the ladies travel to Hawaii for Elena’s event. Because they can’t seem to grasp the fact that Elena’s event is (and should be) the center of attention on this trip, Christy McGintyinvites the couples to a “therapy” session beforehand, in which tempers explode around Briana Manson’s secret wedding to Matt.
As Terra Jole and Joe (and adorable baby Penny!) arrive in Hawaii first, Terra reflects on how angry the entire group is with Briana. No one is sure how to handle seeing her here, with the possible exception of suck-upJasmine Sorge. Terra also doesn’t trust Brittney Guzman, who has betrayed Elena in the past. Here’s hoping the group can rally around Elena for her big day, regardless of their issues. (HA! That was hilarious to type.) As the rest of the gang arrive, Christy voices her wishes for the trip: to have multiple orgasms. “I wanna f**k!” says Christy, “I want doggy style! I want every style!” (Ummm, I want to un-hear these words!)
“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show!
Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie.
Last night on the finale of a very convoluted season of Real Housewives Of Orange County, Jesus made an appearance. Seriously – Jesus should sue this show for defamation and slander.
Tamra Judge claims she’s found Jesus after a tumultuous and painful year, so she wants to share her spiritual emergence to prove she’s changed. She may have swapped a black lace catsuit for a white bandage dress, but something tells me underneath it all she’s still the same old Tamra. And no amount of dunking herself in a pool surrounded by sycophants with television aspirations (and fear of their own murky lives floating to the top) is going to wash away her Tamra-ness. Possibly I’m just a cynic for satan?
Vicki Gunvalson may have a very dubious relationship with the truth, but she’s certainly believable in one regard: Satan IS confusing! And he was doing some of his best work last night – because the Devil is in the details where Brooks Ayers’s cancerous-ness is concerned.
From this week’s Ladies of London, we learn that everything is not quite what it seems. The fate of Caroline Stanbury’s Gift Library is looking grim, but how much Caroline did (or did not) know up to this critical point about the inevitability of her failing business remains unclear. Meanwhile, Julie Montagu harnesses her endless supply of pluckiness to brainstorm ways to “save” her husband’s inherited Mapperton estate. Juliet Angus, still grasping at the flimsy threads of upwardly mobile friendship, visits Baroness Caroline Fleming for some cooking lessons, and invites the ladies out for a night of burgers-beer-n-bowling that is sure to cement even more “tacky American” stereotypes into the Brits’ heads once and for all. But for Caroline F, it’s only one American’s tacky comment that’s left ringing in her ears after bowling night: Marissa Hermer’s.
God, I love the opening shots of London this show serves up! As we pan back from the montage, we settle at Juliet’s house, where she’s trying on outfits in front of her kids, Georgiana and Truman. As Georgiana tells her mom she’s “the best at bossing everyone around,” Juliet promptly decides she needs to do a little bit more o’ dat. She wants to get the ladies together for some bowling…with wigs. She’s hoping this bright idea brings the group together for some lighthearted silliness, sans drama.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood begins after that fateful video shoot in Miami. Princess is done giving Ray-J second, third, and forty-eighth chances. She’s moving out of the house they shared and is excited to see what the future has in store for her as a newly single lady.
Across town, Hazel-E has returned with a new abode, and she’s invited Teairra Mari over to show off the house and brag about her latest opportunities…like a booking in Dubai. She rehashes her lunch with Nikki and Jason Lee that ended with Jason tossing a drink in her face. Teairra laughs at Hazel’s comical portrayal, but she’s not surprised as Jason has been known to be messy. She shares with Hazel her diabolical scheme to break up Ray and Princess. Hazel is glad she’s no longer on the receiving end of Teairra’s plotting. Also discussing that fateful lunch are Nikki and Brandi. The girls are working out in the park and complaining about the men in their lives. Brandi and Max have been fighting constantly, and Nikki admits that Kamiah has been talking smack about her new relationship with Fizz. Nikki tells the story of Jason Lee’s behavior towards Hazel, and Brandi will not allow any wannabe blogger to threaten her friend Nikki’s reputation.
Caroline Manzo justifies the trip as a great experience for Lauren and Vito Scalia to learn to fly on their own as Caroline and Al remain “waiting in the wings” – or first class rather. They upgraded, but left the rest of peons back in coach. “It’s a farewell to Lauren Manzo,” describes Ma Smothers, as she hunkers down with her popcorn to watch the disaster of Lauren Scalia unfold. Don’t worry mommy is always waiting in the wings (or the hallway) with a hamper to help scoop up the mess!