Recaps

Lisa and Lisa go get a pony

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled the globe in search of magical little ponies and mythical caftans that will disappear all of their gloom. Unfortunately money can’t buy you mini ponies or magic muumuus!

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are shopping in Italy. Kyle is wearing – and I really must focus on this for an extended period of time – a cropped, cold-shoulder string-tie MUUMUU shirt, over black PJ pants. With large floppy hat. This woman needs an intervention. NO MORE mom-cazh!

The worst of the worst of the worst is that Lisa and Kyle are shopping in an Italian caftan store. Naturally the conversation flows (see what I did there) towards Richards-Hilton family dysfunction and Kyle’s decision to attend the wedding. Let’s be honest Kyle went to Italy so she can tell people she bought clothes in Italy, and Kyle wants to go to Nicky’s wedding so she can tell people she went to a Rothschild society wedding. 

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Tom and Tom flub a business meeting with LVP Sangria

If I were Jax Taylor‘s girlfriend Brittany, after watching last night’s Vanderpump Rules, I’d be breaking up with him. But she probably got into the business of dating Jax by watching Vanderpump Rules, so I’ll assume she’s not surprised by his general assiness and lies. 

Before we get into all the drama Lisa Vanderpump meets an early 30-something woman named Arielle with priorities. Imagine! Arielle volunteers with homeless youth (aged 18 – 23) who live in a shelter. Arielle reached out to Lisa and Ken on Facebook because many of these kids have never eaten in a fancy restaurant and have always wanted to. Lisa and Ken of course say yes. 

Now, drama. Lala Kent did not hook up with Jax after PRIDE – but not for lack of trying! Lala asks if he wants to get a drink, so Jax pretends he’s not really together with his girlfriend Brittany. Out of sight, out of mind; in sight, in Jax’s bed!

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RHOA in Miami

Well, Real Housewives Of Miami may have been boring, but bringing the Real Housewives Of Atlanta to Miami rarely is! 

In a bizarre twist of well, everything Real Housewives Of Atlanta has stood for these long seasons, Kenya Moore and Porsha Williams planned the trip together. As co-conspirators. 

The fight on the boat was a reality check for these two, so despite their constant animosity, Kenya and Porsha decided to come together to plan a re-do of Cynthia Bailey‘s redone bachelorette party. Or whatever because Cynthia and Peachter are just great now. So uh… congrats! 

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Kyle Richards family drama

It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!

Yolanda Foster needs to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’t have the same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast? 

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Lala and James

Vanderpump Rules lives by its own code of ethics. That code being, if you don’t get caught it’s not cheating, and if you don’t get caught cheating with your friend’s boyfriend, you’re still a good friend. Lisa Vanderpump needs to quit re-educating with sommeliers and instead try educating her employees on HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Like maybe Communications 101? 

Also, I owe Kristen Doute an apology. Sort of. I used to believe James Kennedy was a super-douchey arrogant jerk because Kristen is so insane, but now I realize it was just a case of Like Attracts Like. They’re both total jerks, who, luckily for everyone else, had found each other to terrorize. Now that James and Kristen have split, James is inflicting his assholery on everyone else. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix are “Adulting,” James is instead “Douchebagging Extreme!” Run Lala, run!

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hollywood moniece

Is it just me, or are any of you impressed that no one was seriously injured during last night’s final installment of the Love & Hip Hop Hollywood reunion? After that crazy brawl that occurred when Moniece jumped Brandi for questioning her parental skills, Nina has the women sitting calmly back on the sofa…although Moniece is twitching and Brandi claims to just be so passionate about motherhood (hers, she’s not judging anyone else…yeah, right!) that she’s shaking from wig to feather. Moniece’s mother interrupts to say that while she doesn’t condone her daughter’s actions, she has to protect her child. When questioned about whether she wants to clear up any issues, Moniece is radio silent. 

Jason Lee and Hazel-E’s beef is highlighted, and Hazel won’t let Jason get a word in, but Ray-J pontificates that everyone needs redemption on the reunion. Jason blabbers off an insincere apology for tossing a drink in Hazel’s face, but Hazel reminds Nina that he was profiting off the incident with a t-shirt slogan the day the episode aired. Brandi inserts herself yet again because she’s such a champion for Jesus, and Ray wants to know what would Jesus do. Really Ray?

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Cynthia and Porsha brawl on RHOA boat trip

Well, as you know, no classy boat ride around Lake Lanier is complete without two squalling Real Housewives Of Atlanta! It’s basically a ‘What To Pack For Your Boat Cruise’ Essential – following sunscreen, and before AfterBurn Aloe. 

Yeah, I don’t know who escalated Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams‘ fight, but one thing I do know is that I’m super, ultra relieved it doesn’t appear the fallout will drag on all season, and into the next, and into the next, and into the next until I contemplate throwing them both overboard into Lake Lanier, Atlanta’s unofficial morgue, without a lifejacket, so they are stuck fending for themselves amid the ghosts. Well, at least Phaedra Parks said there were ghosts in that lake. 

Anyway, to briefly recap Fight Float, there are “fake as f–k” women causing “fake as f–k fights,” there are fingers in faces, then fingers being grabbed, there is Porsha starting to stand-straddle? (adjusting her position?) – I don’t know – over Cynthia’s lawn chair. Then all of the sudden Cynthia kicks Porsha in the crotchal region! Shocking, yes. But I was mostly relieved no one’s pants burst because, holy crap, I would not be getting all acrobatic and ‘Hi-Yah! Housewives’ in pants that tight!

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Mark-Nikki-Beach-90-Day-Fiance

My, how far we’ve come in just two months – or for these couples, ninety days! Unexpected twists and turns, with a little sketchy behavior thrown in for good measure, have followed each couple since their K-1 Visa clocks began ticking. From roach infested hovels, true love has bloomed. Bank accounts were drained dry, and evil prenups were signed. Dancers turned Mormon, and Mark turned our stomachs. But poor, brow-beaten Alexei did not turn into a model! So, all is not lost! This week marks the end of our 90-Day Fiance journey, where we find out if the remaining couples will indeed make it to the altar. (Post-show, the cast gathered for a “Couples Tell All” reunion, which we aren’t recapping. But sound off below about your thoughts on the whole shebang! It’s been quite a ride.)

Mark is preparing a dinner for Nikki’s 20th birthday. So, no longer a teen bride! They’re leaving for Hawaii the next day to get married, so Mark wants to make sure Nikki eats food laced with plenty of Benadryl is in good spirits before their big day. Mark’s daughter, Elise, comes over to wish Nikki happy birthday, and to be skeeved out about Nikki only being one year younger than her. Still reeling from the forced prenup, Nikki is in no mood for Make Party Time, but she rallies for dinner. Elise asks if they’re excited for the wedding? Marks answer is: “Whelp, for all practical purposes, Nikki and I have enjoyed each other’s company, and it feels like a marriage.” #RomeoInMomJeans 

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