Before we get to the assery of Brooks (and later Terry) we must first confront the assery of David. Did you know – he had an affair! During the last reunion Shannon Beador pretended her marriage was amazing and wonderful and more perfect than ever. Except, haha – 3 weeks prior she had learned David was cheating, then he left her, then he came home with his dick tail between his legs, and then he whisked her away on a 17-day romantic vacation. So she wasn’t lying! Sadly when the cameras started rolling again, “reality” set-in.
Really – honestly – I don’t care what’s happening with Shannon, her vagina, her affair, her husband, her colon, her rectum, because her voice is sounding more like my 90-year-old great aunt’s by the day and that’s scary.
Last night’s Below Deck was setting the scene for quite an explosive finale, and I cannot wait. I am just sick about the season ending…one might say I’m seasick over it all. I am also sick-sick and popping antibiotics and fighting off a recurring fever, but it’s clear that there was no denying the heat between everyone’s favorite first stew and a chef whose eyebrows don’t scare the living bejezzus out of me! Let’s “dive in,” shall we? Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow needs a friend to talk to, so she finds Emile Kotze to tell him about her tryst with Eddie Lucas, and he’s not even sure how to respond? High five? Congratulations? He laughs bitterly and settles on,”I can’t believe he got it in and I didn’t.” She shares the juicy details (where, how many times, what it was like) and brags that she has evidence on her phone in the form of horny text messages from Eddie. She’s glad Emile is such a great pal who is willing to listen. I’m concerned Emile’s head is going to explode, but he remains loyal to his favorite tease. Speaking of teasing, Ben Robinson questions Kate Chastain about the lingerie she’s wearing, and she coyly details her lacy bra, admitting to going commando elsewhere.
The charter guests are two real estate moguls and their four pretty girlfriends (that’s right…four). Ben remarks that the women are gorgeous, and Kate manages an awkward smile. In the galley, Rocky tries to have some semblance of a normal relationship with Eddie, but he’s not having any of it. He’s beyond excited to be over with this charter. He’s never been more thrilled to get off a yacht. Not only is my once favorite bosun being unnecessarily mean, Eddie pulls a giant douche move and accuses Rocky of seducing him with the knowledge he had a girlfriend. No. Just no. Last time I checked, Eddie’s loyalty, not Rocky’s, was owed to his girlfriend. Later, he tries to tease Emile over breakfast, but Emile is livid at his superior for stealing his girl. When Eddie doesn’t get a reaction, he starts barking orders with Emile walking out mid-command. Emile and Connie Arias are snipping at each other as they ready the sun deck. A crabby Emile whines about everything, which Connie labeling him a “little bitch.” He retaliates by calling her a whore. He’s such a catch.
I could watch Vanderpump Rules forever, like on a loop, one never-ending Kristen Doute messy relationship after another. Oh wait, I am! HAHA – funny how that’s working out. Kristen cheated on Tom Sandoval, blamed Tom 1 for their relationship being awful, bragged about the wondrous peen of James Kennedy, then their relationship ended up being equally awful in all the same ways, Kristen returned to her nagging, stalking, threatening, emotionally manipulative, meltdowns and… well you know what happened! James cheated! Didn’t think he had the balls. Literally.
Is that karma, or just the laws of physics. Whatever – I’m sensing a pattern here. Is that pattern Kristen?
Before we begin, let the royal court take a moment of silence to remember a season of castles and crowns, barefoot baronesses and earls of sandwiches, stiff upper lips and loose Julie Montagu lips. Ah, Ladies of London! You’ve given us more than grown women in onesies carping at each other; you’ve given us a fun and fancy trip around London and its outer banks, complete with eye candy shots we just can’t get in the OC, Atlanta, or even Beverly Hills. So, Bravo, if you’re listening: We want more! Let’s see a season 3 for Ladies of London, please. But let’s give it a shot in the arm next time, eh? Like a better time slot, solid promotion, and a little editing magic to really dress this Cinderella up for the ball she deserves!
Okay, let’s take our final stroll down this season’s lane all together now, shall we? After our opening montage shows the ladies getting ready for their day ahead, Annabelle Neilson calls on Baroness Caroline Fleming for a lunch visit. Caroline wonders if Annabelle has recovered from Denmark? Annabelle is feeling as if Julie has not been a good friend to her lately, but hasn’t broached the issue with her yet. But Juliet Angus and Julie join them next, so the conversation is bound to take a turn for the dark side soon.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was all about man power. The guys on this franchise have no issues with getting along, but the women? That’s another story! Now that Willie is out of his contract, he’s back in the studio, joined by Rich and Ray-J. Rich describes Ray as a one-man creep show which is epic. Ray jokes that he is excited to have some single friends, but wait! Willie has a wife and he needs to be a stand-up husband. Plus, Rich is dating Moniece, and Ray is worried that if he helps Rich stray, he’ll get stabbed. Ray wishes he was back with Princess so he could have a crazy girlfriend too. He doesn’t want to be left out. Meanwhile, Moniece and Fizz are successfully co-parenting Cameron. Fizz knows that Rich has met Cameron once, and while he’s happy that Moniece is happy, he needs to get to know the man who will eventually be spending more time with his son. Moniece understands where Fizz is coming from, but she’s worried that Rich isn’t going to be on the same page.
Miles has had a traumatic couple of weeks, but now that he’s come out to Amber and his family, he feels that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He hopes now to be able to mend his relationship with Milan. Milan has been dodging his calls, but he’s finally agreed to hear Miles’ side of the story. After speaking to Amber, Milan knows it must have been difficult to share his news with her, but it doesn’t make Miles’ lies any easier to swallow. Miles admits that he’s come out to his family, and he’s ready for them to meet. This revelation makes Milan very happy, and he’s appreciative of Miles’ journey.
Last night Real Housewives Of Atlanta returned to us and brought with it Sheree Whitfield! (Which means I get to bust out my trusty #SheByShebroke hashtag again. YESSSSS.) And like two cats in an alley fighting over the remaining sardine of a storyline, Kenya Moore and Sheree are going at it, clawing at each other over who is more delusional and broke.
There is no greater irony than Kenya throwing Sheree’s delusional behavior in her face. Need I remind you all about Krayonce’s Rent-A-Boyfriends 1, 2, and 3, the charade of Life Twirls On, her fake booty, mystery African princes, Walter, and eviction from the home she so-called ‘owned’… But oh, how I adore that Kenya has met her match in shade, delusion, and sheer desperation to GO. THERE. in Sheree! These two are going to be an explosion of delight this season. And I am here for it – popcorn ready. To quote Kenya, “Nom, nom, nom…”
On this week’s 90-Day Fiance, battle lines are being drawn. Lorenand Alexei, who’s just flown to Florida from Israel, move in with Loren’s parents (for reasons that are still somewhat clear as mud), but Loren isn’t so sure she’s ready to make space in her closet for Alexei yet. Um, what about space in her life? As a travel-weary Alexei tries to settle in while Loren yips and giggles at him about “invading her space!” he makes it plain that he is not up for this sort of forced banter yet, ultimately throwing his bags wherever he pleases before sitting down to have a drink with Loren’s parents.
Loren’s father isn’t thrilled that Alexei is sharing a room with his daughter just beyond the paper walls of their shared condo, so he uncomfortably lays down the laws of his land: he doesn’t want to see It or hear It. “It” being nookie, they presume. That is all. Welcome home, Alexei! Drink up, dude.
Last night’s Sister Wives introduced us to Madison Brown’s now-fiance Caleb, and it teased us about next week’s finale that has Meri rehashing her catfish situation. There is certainly going to be plenty of fodder for the reunion! The family is heading off to Alaska for a vacation, and Logan and Madison are both taking their significant others. Logan reveals that he still plans on only having one wife, and his girlfriend Michelle jokes that she doesn’t plan on sharing her husband with anyone. Madison is head over heels with Caleb, and she admits that he has been interested in her since they first met when she was seventeen. Of course, due to their ten year age gap, he didn’t pursue her back then.
Kody and Robyn head to their sonogram appointment to find out the sex of the baby. The family’s consensus seems to be that Robyn is having a girl, but TLC needs to drag out the reveal for a story line. Upon arriving in Alaska, the kids are running around, and Garrison does the unthinkable. He complains that Kody and crew are too lenient with Solomon, comforting him when they should be disciplining him. Kody booms that he is the parent and he doesn’t need to Garrison criticizing his parenting skills. Garrison retorts that he wasn’t criticizing, he was advising. Kody doesn’t like being called out by his son…who is right, by the way. Logan is concerned that his giant family is going to overwhelm his poor girlfriend.