Recaps

Matt and Briana recap

Did you watch this mess? Could you bring yourself to actually do it? Well, no matter! I am here to fearlessly take one for the team and recap this shiznit!

Lest you venture forth too quickly, I advise you to take a deep breath and center yourself. (Ohhhhhhmmmm) Because what went down on Little Women: LA Matt and Briana, Part 1, last night is not for the faint of heart – nor for the rational, emotionally balanced, mentally stable among us. Nay! It is for the delusional and the slow to learn, for those wretched souls who wander the planet screaming RIDE OR DIE in public urinals during the sunset of their lives. So, with that warning, let’s all climb in to this steaming garbage heap together, shall we?  

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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Secrets Revealed was all about friendships, fun, swans, and family – you know, none of the stuff the actual season focused on.

At Villa Rosa the swans are primed for attack by the Most Wanted posters hung in the pond, and the mini horses are being tailed by Rumpy Pumpy who just can’t figure out what to do with these odd creatures, but Lisa Vanderpump knows that if she had to choose between Ken and the horses, Ken would be joining David Foster in Casa de Divorce. #LifeWithoutLyme

Just kidding! Ken is well-aware Lisa would never leave him – although he’s decided to pretend-adore mini horses just in case! After Ken brushes and grooms a mini horse, he trots over to Dr. Ourian’s office so Lisa can get her skin examined for melanoma. Or so Ken thinks… the real plan is to trick Ken into getting Botox!

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dance moms group 1

Um, are we watching someone unravel right in front of our eyes? The first three minutes of last night’s Dance Moms Reunion was akin to watching Britney Spears’ epic meltdown circa 2006, except there wasn’t any head-shaving…yet (at least). Abby Lee Miller arrives extremely late–and braless–as the mothers wait patiently on the stage with this year’s host, Jai Rodriquez. As a huge Queer Eye fan, I’m glad to see he’s still around! I notice that Phil Collins was wise enough not to get to close to this debacle! Abby stumbles on stage, hair half up in hot rollers, much she like starts her day at the studio. Abby complains about her bra, pulling it outside of her shirt to show the appalled audience, as Melissa Gisoni rushes to her rescue. Jai quickly cuts to a group routine which is already prepped and ready to go.

Jai gushes over the season, and Abby seems to have regained some sense of composure. He inquires about the Ziegler girls’ exit, and Abby accuses Melissa of lying to her, the producers, director, and Lifetime’s legal team. Melissa counters that they all knew, and she followed the proper channels. As Abby rolls her eyes, Jai questions what rumors Abby has heard. She goes on a rampage about Maddie judging So You Think You Can Dance, dismissing the competition show and its decisions. Melissa’s blood is boiling but she’s not allowed to speak on Maddie’s next move. Jill tries to calm her friend. Jessalyn interjects to remind Abby that she cried for hours when she heard about Maddie and MacKenzie’s impending departure. Abby argues that she’s beyond happy for Maddie, but she wanted to part of the united front when announcing their new opportunities. The other moms recognize that Melissa was following the advice of her lawyer, but they feel slighted that she always accused them of lying or believing gossip when they would question her about the rumors that turned out to be true. 

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Ben-Galley-Below-Deck-Mediterranean

All aboard! Last week’s debut of Below Deck Mediterranean introduced us to a brand new cast (with the exception of chef Ben Robinson), and set the stage for semi-rough waters ahead. Last seen, chief stew Hannah Ferrier was schlepping all over the stunning Greek isle of Paros searching in vain for a Pittsburgh Steelers game. No, that is not a Mad Libs sentence – that is the sad, sad truth. Why is she on this fool’s errand? Because the trashy yacht guests demand it! 

The question these charter guests may want to ask themselves is: selves, why have we traveled to the Greek Isles in the midst of football season? Especially if we’re swearing that we’ve “never missed a Steelers game” in our itty bitty lives? Alas, these questions aren’t the ones being asked. Instead, the guests turn their wrath on Hannah, who tells them they have no chance of finding a Steelers game on this island. Her last hope lies with Captain Mark Howard, who is still trying to get the game to stream on the ship. (This is literally what the guests/staff/captain are obsessed with? THEY ARE IN PARADISE!!! Pfffffffffftt…Steelers.)

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LeeAnne and Tiffany fight

Yay for assault by Bravo! On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas it was emotional breakdowns galore, but at least there were diamonds. 

At Marie Reyes‘ cocktail party LeeAnne Locken is flinging champagne, name-calling, screaming in Stephanie Hollmans face. Then she stamps her feet all the way out the door. Cary Deuber, who is wearing a layer of champagne over her designer dress, has seen that behavior before – on her 2-year-old! 

While Stephanie bursts into tears, Tiffany Hendra chases LeeAnne out the door. Something tells me Tiffany is always running after LeeAnne to talk her down from the edge…. Tiffany needs a new co-dependence partner. Keith Suburban not dramatic enough for her? 

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southern charm shep craig

I love my Southern Charm like I love my bourbon: a hearty serving at least once a week and cosigned by Craig Conover. Neat, of course. After last week’s roller-(d)rama at the rink, the sixth episode of the season had the cast sipping, JD quipping, and Craig dipping…his head in shame after claiming to run his friend’s whiskey brand. Oops! It wasn’t a purposeful lie, but rather wishful thinking, right?

Speaking of someone who definitely knows the difference between the two, Thomas Ravenel approaches Shepard “Shep” Rose about including Kathryn Dennis in the group’s outings. Despite putting his foot in his mouth a few times in the last week, Shep tries to do the right thing. But more on that in a bit–we begin as we always do, rising and shining in the Holy City. 

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Shahs of Sunset recap

After watching the Shahs of Sunset lure Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi into the woods for hopes of an intervention last week, we finally got to see the fruits of their labor/deception on last night’s episode.

Mike Shouhed is busy taking what I can only assume are purchase orders for shoes on his cell while the women folk cook a pretty sad looking spread of shrimp and veggies on the grill. Awkward small talk is being made and you can tell GG is already drunk by the time she cross eyes up Mike to tell her why she is so angry at him. She doesn’t like how he talks to her and Mike sets his phone down long enough to apologize profusely and say he will let it all go. GG slurs some type of response to indicate she can move on. Asa Soltan Rahmati wastes no time turning this into a spiritual event. Asa says she wants to throw their issues into the fire while Mike and GG hug it out.

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sister wives

Welcome back, Sister Wives. I’d like to say I’ve missed Kody Brown and crew, and maybe I have…but not two hours worth. Not at all. However, I am grateful for that extra sixty minutes of Kody’s hair, Meri’s whining, and Robyn’s sobbin’, but geez, TLC, couldn’t you give us something to look forward to throughout the season? The super-sized season premiere begins with the family recapping Maddie’s serious relationship with Caleb, the family’s trip to Alaska, while Meri stays silent. She is too busy wondering how she’s going to spin this catfish story. Meri admits to having feelings for the man she thought she was speaking to online and over the phone who ended up being a woman who had targeted her on social media. She reveals how difficult it was to share the news with Kody and her sister wives, and the other women weigh in on Meri’s behavior during this time. 

Sporting a new haircut, Kody complains that Maddie is always moody when she’s apart from Caleb. The wives joke that he should be used to female emotions by now. Returning from a trip to visit Montana to visit Caleb, while scouting jobs and apartments, the family is gathered for a big dinner. With the wave of her hand, Maddie announces her engagement and Truely loses her cool. The date has been set, and corny Kody starts jonesing for a road trip with Caleb to search for venues in Wyoming. Janelle is concerned that they are less than a year out with minimal planning. 

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