Recaps

Teresa Vs. Jacqueline

As someone who has written about the exploits and shenanigans of Real Housewives for many moons, Real Housewives Of New Jersey is the only show which leaves me emotionally exhausted.

On one level, it’s a nod to their ability to remain raw in front of the cameras, years after years of doom and gloom fighting. However, on the other side, their lack of self-awareness means season after season after season someone – Teresa Giudice, usually – is gonna be accused of a maelstrom of denial that the other ladies have no idea they are also wallowing in. So sometimes you need 5 Xanax – maybe 10! – to get through it.

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Real Housewives of Atlanta recap

Well, Real Housewives Of Atlanta went low quick. Like lower than the dip in Kenya Moore‘s hellish driveway!

Last night the ladies were throwing out the dirty buttermilk on each other. So, turn your prayer cloth into a strainer and start diluting that crud with holy water before you serve it up with biscuits! (That made no sense, but it sounds Phaedra Parks -ian).

Things begin at Moore Manor where Kenya is hosting a housewarming party. I know, I know… whoever heard of a housewarming party for an unfinished house? But even worse – whoever heard of a housewarming party for the ghosts of one’s past in the form of unwelcome guests. Unless of course you’re related to the Addams’s Family or Ebenezer Scrooge.

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Anfisa-Black-Halter-Confessional-90-Day-Fiance

We sure are learning a lot about life and love on 90 Day Fiance. The fiances themselves, however – not so much! Doomed to march straight into the hellfire of their mangled relationships, each couple seems like a contestant on some twisted masochistic game show rather than a real live person who signed up for this mess on purpose. Surprisingly, this week saw some of the American fiances having a long-awaited light bulb moment (however dim). Those moments were short lived – however, last night’s super sized two-hour trainwreck was not!

First, when Jorge is kicked out of his apartment yet again by Anfisa (of the Kylo Ren mind control techniques), he finally ponders sending her home to Russia for good. Then, Narkyia somehow finds her voice – and her ice cream cone as a weapon! – when she hears some shady business involving Lowo, the known catfisher. Color me shocked. Finally, Nicole tries to paint a lousy picture of Azan to her family, which ultimately backfires on her when they all basically tell her she’s nutso for considering marriage to him. So, progress? Nah, not really.

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Don't Be Tardy recap

Last night’s Don’t Be Tardy incorporated so many of our favorite reality shows into a single episode: Top Chef inspired dishes, a RuPaul’s Drag Race inspired game of bingo, and the language heard on any given installment of Mob Wives. It was pretty amazing.

We begin with Access Hollywood’s Anthony, who introduces Brielle Biermann to Liz Hernandez, and she is beyond impressed by the fact Liz interviewed Oprah–the world’s most famous interviewer becomes interviewee! As Liz inquires about Brielle’s education, Brielle dodges questions about college. Liz tells Kim’s mini-me that she got her start at a college internship. Not shockingly, this revelation doesn’t send Brielle into an application frenzy.

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Kyle-Dixon-Drag-Orange-Wig-Below-Deck

Below Deck served up a sweet and silly episode this week – just when we needed it most! But I still can’t decide whether Kyle Dixon is sweet…or shifty? He’s got this sensitive vulnerability one moment, petulant whining and tantrum throwing the next. Some master manipulation afoot, perhaps? One thing is certain: Production set this week’s charter up for Kyle, and Kyle alone, so someone out there in Bravo-land has much love for Valor’s newest deckhand!

As for the deck crew overall, this is perhaps their best week yet under the watchful eye of Captain Lee Rosbach. Except that Nico Scholly and Lauren Burchnell get mixed up in trashing a room at the end of a drunken night, which will send them all back to the time out chair next week. Bad Nico! Bad Lauren! No more fireball for you!

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Little Women: LA Reunion recap

Given the dramatic week we’re all trudging through right now, why not add a little more drama to our lives, courtesy of Lifetime’s feistiest franchise? On last night’s part one of the Little Women: LA reunion, the ladies sit down to rehash their season five beefs with each other, much to the exhaustion of everyone within earshot!

But when Plastic Martyr joins the group to tell “her side of the story,” Briana Renee and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] decide to escape via a secret hatch. Otherwise known as the backstage staircase. Brokedown Bonnie and Clyde are on the run, yo! At least our fearless hero, Kevin Frazier, is back as moderator to keep the craziness in check. #KevinFrazier2020! (Although, question: Why didn’t he bring handcuffs to shackle Matt to the couch for this reunion spot? He knows this dude is an escape artist!)

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Survivor recap

Tuesday was a lot to get through. I don’t care who you voted for (well, I do, but that’s for a different time), but I think everyone can at least agree that they’re glad this long, grueling, contentious, nightmarish election is finally over. Fitting then, that later on the very same day that the election ended, that the theme of the Survivor episode would be unity and trust:  Yes, it was all about merging together…learning to live as one…assimilation. Everybody needs a reason and a chance to unify right now. Can’t we all just get along?

Well, mirroring real life, there is probably a pretty slim chance of that happening. Despite the image of just being one tribe, with 13 players left in the game, as Chris said at Tribal Council, there are 13 different strategies and agendas to get to the end. To win. But even still, until they reach the end, they have to figure out how to make their little community work, despite their beliefs, their gender, their religious background, their sexual orientation, or especially on Survivor, their differences stemming from the generational gap that divides them. There will be no more filibustering here, let’s get to the recap of this all-important #merge episode.

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Jax, Kristen, and Brittany

Welcome back to Vanderpump Rules, where people miraculously age in reverse – but only in their personalities and maturity levels.

Despite our year-long hiatus, little has changed at SUR, the illustrious sur-vers and their counterparts. Kristen Doute and Stassi Schroeder are back in the full-time rotation, to reign supreme over the dysfunction, with Scheana Marie and Katie Maloney their tittering accomplices. Tom 2 is a mere accessory to their life of crime, the teeny dog shoved in a purse to nip and yap occasionally. And everybody still hates Lala Kent!

I don’t know guys – are we really in for another season of mean girls justifying their own behavior by calling the other person mean? It’s like Vanderpump Rules is just an audition for Real Housewives, a job Stassi presumably believes will be hers as soon as she convinces a Hollywood mogul, or rich business man to marry her. Maybe when Lala’s ‘boyfriend,’ the married guy with 35,022 kids who is passing out free Range Rovers on Halloween, ditches that wife of his Stassi can swoop right in?

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