“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show!
Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie.
Last night on the finale of a very convoluted season of Real Housewives Of Orange County, Jesus made an appearance. Seriously – Jesus should sue this show for defamation and slander.
Tamra Judge claims she’s found Jesus after a tumultuous and painful year, so she wants to share her spiritual emergence to prove she’s changed. She may have swapped a black lace catsuit for a white bandage dress, but something tells me underneath it all she’s still the same old Tamra. And no amount of dunking herself in a pool surrounded by sycophants with television aspirations (and fear of their own murky lives floating to the top) is going to wash away her Tamra-ness. Possibly I’m just a cynic for satan?
Vicki Gunvalson may have a very dubious relationship with the truth, but she’s certainly believable in one regard: Satan IS confusing! And he was doing some of his best work last night – because the Devil is in the details where Brooks Ayers’s cancerous-ness is concerned.
From this week’s Ladies of London, we learn that everything is not quite what it seems. The fate of Caroline Stanbury’s Gift Library is looking grim, but how much Caroline did (or did not) know up to this critical point about the inevitability of her failing business remains unclear. Meanwhile, Julie Montagu harnesses her endless supply of pluckiness to brainstorm ways to “save” her husband’s inherited Mapperton estate. Juliet Angus, still grasping at the flimsy threads of upwardly mobile friendship, visits Baroness Caroline Fleming for some cooking lessons, and invites the ladies out for a night of burgers-beer-n-bowling that is sure to cement even more “tacky American” stereotypes into the Brits’ heads once and for all. But for Caroline F, it’s only one American’s tacky comment that’s left ringing in her ears after bowling night: Marissa Hermer’s.
God, I love the opening shots of London this show serves up! As we pan back from the montage, we settle at Juliet’s house, where she’s trying on outfits in front of her kids, Georgiana and Truman. As Georgiana tells her mom she’s “the best at bossing everyone around,” Juliet promptly decides she needs to do a little bit more o’ dat. She wants to get the ladies together for some bowling…with wigs. She’s hoping this bright idea brings the group together for some lighthearted silliness, sans drama.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood begins after that fateful video shoot in Miami. Princess is done giving Ray-J second, third, and forty-eighth chances. She’s moving out of the house they shared and is excited to see what the future has in store for her as a newly single lady.
Across town, Hazel-E has returned with a new abode, and she’s invited Teairra Mari over to show off the house and brag about her latest opportunities…like a booking in Dubai. She rehashes her lunch with Nikki and Jason Lee that ended with Jason tossing a drink in her face. Teairra laughs at Hazel’s comical portrayal, but she’s not surprised as Jason has been known to be messy. She shares with Hazel her diabolical scheme to break up Ray and Princess. Hazel is glad she’s no longer on the receiving end of Teairra’s plotting. Also discussing that fateful lunch are Nikki and Brandi. The girls are working out in the park and complaining about the men in their lives. Brandi and Max have been fighting constantly, and Nikki admits that Kamiah has been talking smack about her new relationship with Fizz. Nikki tells the story of Jason Lee’s behavior towards Hazel, and Brandi will not allow any wannabe blogger to threaten her friend Nikki’s reputation.
Caroline Manzo justifies the trip as a great experience for Lauren and Vito Scalia to learn to fly on their own as Caroline and Al remain “waiting in the wings” – or first class rather. They upgraded, but left the rest of peons back in coach. “It’s a farewell to Lauren Manzo,” describes Ma Smothers, as she hunkers down with her popcorn to watch the disaster of Lauren Scalia unfold. Don’t worry mommy is always waiting in the wings (or the hallway) with a hamper to help scoop up the mess!
On last night’s Sister Wives, Kody Brown wants to bond with his daughters after realizing that his relationships with his boys are much stronger. His daughter Ysabel (with Christine) is turning twelve and she wants to spend her birthday with her dad and her sisters. Kody has decided to treat his preteen daughters to a long weekend at the beach to celebrate. Of course, as he’s sharing the plans, he cuts off Ysabel with some sort of gibberish while playing on his cellphone. The girls are over the moon that they finally get to spend some quality time with the father they don’t often get to spend time with in such a small group.
Janelle knows her youngest Savanah will be in good hands with Kody, but she admits that it’s hard for her to let go since she’s so used to being the main parent. Kody believes he’s going to have a much easier time than his wives predict. His daughters won’t get nearly as jealous competing with each other for his attention as his wives do. Of course, the crew isn’t even out of the driveway before the girls are arguing. Kody is packing the car with the skills of a Tetris beginner. Robyn is micro-managing…wear sunscreen, take breaks, drink water. Janelle is hopeful that a healthy father-daughter relationship will help the Brown girls as they navigate puberty. Robyn believes that if they are confident in Kody’s love, they’ll be less likely to give up their purity behind the bleachers like she did.
Well, folks, the controversial three-part series catching up with the Giudice family since Teresa Giudice’sJanuary incarceration is here. Who’s watching? Since we here at RT pledge to bring you the latest reality news – whatever that news may be – we’ll be recapping the Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In each week. Admittedly, this series has a lot of us questioning just how far Bravo will go to expose/support/capitalize on the misdeeds and fallout of Joeand Teresa’s crimes, as well as the sad after-effects these crimes have had on their four daughters: Gia (14), Gabriella (10), Milania (9), and Audriana (5). So, let’s take a look at how this all shakes out…
In our first shot, we’re told the series was filmed six months into Teresa’s prison sentence. Joe, who is currently without a driver’s license (due to previous suspension) counts on his side of the family to help out with the bulk of carting his daughters around, and for emotional support. As he prepares breakfast for the girls, Milania steps in to cooks the sausages. Joe says this has been the hardest year of his life with the passing of his father and Teresa’s imprisonment. He thinks Teresa is proud of his efforts at home, though, because if not, she would have probably sent him divorce papers by now.
I’ll never try to pretend Bravo’s motives, but Don’t Be Tardy has officially been moved to Thursday night, which means this week we were treated to a double dose of Kim Zolciak Biermann, Kroy, chef Tracey, and, of course, that cursing toddler! You’re welcome.
Last night’s episode begins with Kim greeting Shun while yelling at her dogs for interrupting her Instagramming. The dog in a cage should feel grateful it’s not being tormented by KJ. Kim complains about how hard it is to be followed by children 24/7, so she and Shun grab their solo cups of wine and retreat to Kim’s bedroom to discuss Shun’s lack of a dating life. Shun describes her perfect man, but Kim encourages her to think outside the box. Kim swears by “ask, believe, receive,” but she’s not so sure it will work for normal folks like Shun. She offers to set up Shun with her personal trainer–if he’s willing–before getting bombarded with balls being thrown at her face (there goes her social life! 😉 ) by KJ. She admits to be terrified of her three-year-old, and for once the Bravo viewing audience can agree with something Kim says.