Recaps

Katie Maloney and Tom 2 get engaged

Last night on Vanderpump Rules, Tom Schwartz finally took the ring OFF the string and placed it on Katie Maloney‘s finger. Don’t worry – he’ll still be forever tied down to Tom 1

In cold hard realities, the “A” Tom 1 drunkenly tattooed on his ass stands for Adulting. Tom 1 spent 15 drunken minutes getting inked, but now wants his 15 minutes back. Ariana Madix escorts him to Dat Tat Off, the world’s most professional tattoo removal parlor, which is coincidentally managed by Kristen Doute‘s Machiavellian friend, who happens to be wearing black and white stripes. Tom 1 – forever imprisoned by Kristen somehow! Tom went there in the hopes of getting a ‘friend-ish’ discount. 

If they were a movie, it would be called, She’s [He’s] Just Not That Over You (The Tom and Kristen forever dysfunction story). True to form, Kristen’s friend is eager to view the self-inflicted damage Ariana caused Tom to enact. 

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Porsha and Kandi argue over Phaedra on RHOA

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta peaches stones were thrown and hands hidden. So what is the deal with Kandi Burruss and Phaedra Parks? They keep claiming they want to repair their friendship, yet their actions say otherwise! 

Over at Kandi Koated Kattiness Factory, Shamea Morton arrives with her Firkin tail between her legs after being caught by Don Juan gossiping at the video release party. Don Juan and Carmon stand watch while Shamea tries to explain what happened. Like no one was talking loud enough for so-called ‘bloggers’ to overhear their conversation until Don Juan inserted his extra fried crispy into the mess. 

Don Juan cannot accept this. Don Juan has his Diva Cup inserted deep, spouts off about Porsha Williams being so stupid she doesn’t know what gossip is. Oh, I think that may be one of the only things Porsha does know! 

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The Duggars - Now Canceled 19 Kids & Counting

One thing we can always count on reality TV stars for is drama! As 2015 comes to a close we’re revisiting the year’s most shocking and scandalous headlines. And of course we’re eager to see what 2016 has in store. 

Among the craziest stories this year, notorious Real Housewives Of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice self-surrendered to federal prison, and Vicki Gunvalson‘s ex-boyfriend Brooks Ayers admitted to faking cancer documents.

Probably the biggest headline concerned the Duggar family, formerly one of TLC’s most popular attractions until eldest son Josh Duggar undid the family dynasty! The Conservative Family Values advocate found himself embroiled in two extremely salacious sex scandals. TLC ultimately canceled 19 Kids & Counting.

This was just the latest bad press for the network: in 2014 their once-popular Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was canceled when matriarch Mama June was caught dating the man who served time in prison for molesting her eldest daughter Anna. TLC also continues to face controversy over Kate Plus 8, which returned to television following a long hiatus. 

CONTINUE READING FOR 2015’S MOST EXCITING HEADLINES!

RHOBH recap- Eileen accidentally spills the beans

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I learned many important lessons 1) Lyme Disease is airborne via rude comments (and leaky silicone); 2) Gigi Hadid is a child prodigy in the kitchen; 3) Pink heels are a patented trademark and copyright of Lisa Vanderpump; 4) Late-night pharmaceutical commercials are correct: depression hurts; 5) 70 is the new 17 as pertains to male horniness; 6) swan attacks are serious (thriller starring Kim Richards coming soon – Swanado: The Revenge Of Hanky); 7) There is an uglier, more overpriced item in Beverly Hills than $25,000 sunglasses and that is the Cartier Panther ring; And finally 8) Erika Jayne is living out all of our ABBA disco queen fantasies – except we’ve never heard of her. I still like the bitch. She’s fierce. (note sarcasm of my language, but I do like Erika because she’s sassy and not easily intimidated, but still classy). 

OK, well see ya next week – I gotta make sure I didn’t contract Lyme Disease from my TV. Cause like that shit is VIRAL. Even Kyle Richards may have a little bit of Lyme, or Munchausen By Proxy From Friends. I think that’s called ‘Keeping Up With The Vanderpump-itis” and yes, Kyle is quite afflicted! 

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Tom 1 freaks out, Tom 2 eats Pad Thai

On Vanderpump Rules there was bacon, and asses, and giant shrieky man-tantrums. Also Kristen Doute tried to pretend she had matured. 

I have a major bone to pick with this show. Let’s call it a reality check shall we, since this is supposed to be a reality show and all. Why are they still trying to make Kristen happen? Honestly – would any ‘real’ friend expect you to go on a birthday vacation with your crazy ex-girlfriend? NO!

Once Kristen and James Kennedy split, Kristen lost her place on this show – we’re now just seeing a regurgitated storyline of everyone fake-forgiving Kristen and unconvincingly acting as if they want to be her friend so Bravo can justify the antics she may cause. It’s super-phony. James is the new crazy-ass – let’s embrace that and hook Stassi Schroeder and Kristen up with a little Pump Rules Scorned Spinoff instead. Because Kristen pretending she wants forgiveness and has really changed; she’s too bad an actress to convince anyone of that. And furthermore her hitting the club for Jax Taylor to teach her how to avoid players while she makes creepy-Hunchback of Notre Dame faces was cringeworthy. Likewise I am tired of watching Tom 1 and Ariana Madix freakout, whine, and tantrum over Kristen. 

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Kandi Unnecessary Trouble

Coming off my post-Christmas slump to deal with Real Housewives Of Atlanta makes me a bit cranky. Now I don’t know about y’all but I really don’t care if Phaedra Parks owes Todd Tucker money. I’d rather talk about Kandi Burruss rocking the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of over-the-knee sequined boots at 6 months pregnant. And I’d also like to discuss Kenya Moore‘s latest fake-a-date. 

Kenya and Marlo Hampton hit the gym because this is totally 2000 and that’s where you meet men. Or cows. But not poopers. They’re playing with balls when James walks over to flirt with Kenya. James checks some of Kenya’s boxes: Tall, handsome, fit – but he’s too young and is but a mere personal trainer. They have a totally awkward, phony flirtation that results in a date. I was distracted by James smiling with his lip over his teeth and was waiting for them to expose scary teeth. But they weren’t scary at all. 

Later Kenya and James meet to play basketball. Kenya wears a baby blue outfit to send subliminal hints that say, “Sperm donor.” Kenya isn’t sure if she wants a second date with James because he’s too young (and seriously this date was more awkward than one of those stupid male model photoshoots they always force upon America’s Next Top Model contestants), but she’d totally turkey baste him in an alley, y’all! 

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RHOBH Recap Yolanda & David

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the seeds of doubt concerning about Yolanda Foster‘s mysterious illness were officially sewn; woven into the delicate silk fabric of her friendships with almost invisible stitches anchoring tiny beads of suspicion into the internal boning of a couture gown. So – is it Munchhausen syndrome or is Lyme?! OOoOH Goody! 

After Real Housewives Of Orange County‘s exhausting and ludicrous storyline about Brooks Ayers faking cancer, I should be bored senseless by mystery illnesses. But! BUT! This is different – Yolanda’s symptoms seem to have a psychological element befitting of an old school Lifetime Movie.

Additionally Yolanda’s motives appear more complex. Could she be amplifying her illness to save a sagging marriage? Possibly give herself a purpose now that her days of a world-class beauty are over? Is it a reaction to Empty Nest Syndrome (do not give Caroline Manzo any ideas!). Yolanda’s Lyme symptoms and the crazy-ass lengths she is going to for treatments seem decidedly elevated from a mere cry for attention. They seem connected to her self-identity.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Season 6

Teresa Giudice is giving reality television fans the most wonderful Christmas gift of all because today is the day she’ll be released from prison! I assume Bravo cameras will be standing by to capture the moment she is set free, and picked up by her attorney to be driven home to the many foreclosure’d manor in Montville. (Giudice Glenn?)  

Teresa’s legal issues may be far from over, but let’s have a little holiday cheer and celebrate the reasons we’re excited for the Real Housewives Of New Jersey star’s freedom! 

So Pay Attention PUH-LEAZE to the 6 reasons why Teresa’s release is giving us the holly jollies instead of the Bah Humbugs! (But on that note, let’s hope Teresa’s new lifestyle is a little more Ebeneezer Scrooge in the money department, and a little less Ma Moneybags!)

CONTINUE READING FOR 6 REASON’S TERESA’S RELEASE IS MAKING US HAPPY!