While Lauren has resolved to legally (and religiously) yoke herself to one Vicotta, of the saltiest and savoriest salamis, Albie Manzo remains adrift in the wind, spraying his pot fertilizer up at the sun and watching it disappear. Albie went from being the prodigal son, to being mommy’s biggest flop – even Lauren mocks him for failing out of law school. It was all that pot prosciutto!
The Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion has left a bad taste in my mouth. Right after I wrote this I ate like 16 pieces of Halloween candy. It’s my version of cleansing.
The highlight from Part 3, if you could call it that, was Vicki Gunvalson finally admitting she doesn’t believe Brooks Ayers has cancer. She “covered” for him all season because she did believe him until very recently. The other highlight was that no one screamed in decibels so shrill Andy’s dog howled backstage. Briana describes Vicki’s uncannily calm demeanor as being “in a state of shock” over how much of her life Vicki has messed up over Brooks. Or the five half a Xanax she took.
The low points: Everything else. Including Meghan King Edmonds‘ hair – why must it look like a Kim Z Generation 1 wig? The more I look at it, the more I see bad imitation senator’s wife.
On this week’s 90-Day Fiance, the clock is ticking on each couple’s 90-day race to the altar, and the harsh tones of reality are setting in. For Markand Nikki, this reality involves the fact that Mark is nearly a retiree while Nikki is a teenager. This is apparently news to Mark, who doesn’t seem to understand why Nikki isn’t thrilled with the idea of rising early in order to pull yard weeds. I mean, wasn’t that your dream at 19?
Nikki sleeps late most days, which irritates Markwhose prostate wakes him up before dawn. So, he’s come up with a solution: blowing a train whistle at the bottom of the stairs to awaken his bride-to-be! Nikki is not pleased with this method, noting it feels like she is being treated like a child. (Or an animal, one might argue, as most parents don’t unleash the train whistle on their sleeping kid unless that kid has maybe just returned from juvie!)
So now that Kody Brown has adopted wife Robyn’s three children from a previous marriage, what will be the focus of Sister Wives going forward? Oh, I know! Let’s send the kids to spend a few weeks with their biological father! Robyn is concerned about the trip, and she hopes they have a positive experience. Dayton and her two daughters are very excited, although they admit they haven’t seen their biological father for two years. Kody reveals that in the past when the three have been to visit him before, they come back a bit different…a tad detached from the Brown family. It’s a good thing Kody and Robyn made sure they were Browns before leaving.
Since the adoption hype is over, the Browns fall back on their regular party planning plot. They are hoping to throw an adoption soiree to celebrate the three newest Browns. Kody is meeting with his wives, and Meri questions the food being served. He wants barbecue, but Robyn wants something more along the lines of Sunday dinner. Janelle nods her head in approval to pretend she’s paying attention, and Christine giggles wide-eyed at everything discussed like she’s watching a ping pong tournament. Her meds are great! Kody interrupts to say he’s getting chicken wings and meat, but Robyn attacks. She has white linens and floral arrangements–this isn’t going to be a cook-out. Kody hasn’t placed the order yet, but Robyn is won’t listen. She lays into Kody as her fellow wives join her in ganging up against him. Christine loves the camaraderie of the wives in an alliance against Kody. He urges them to get their panties out of a wad, and Janelle gives Robyn an mental high five for jumping all over him for that comment too.
We are one episode away from the Don’t Be Tardy finale. Are y’all as stoked as I am? That said, after next week, I’ll spend months wondering if Brielle is really trying navigate Los Angeles all by her lonesome, as well as what curse words KJ has added to his vocabulary! Let’s get started with the recap, shall we?
On the eve of their trip to Los Angeles, Shun swings by the Zolciak-Biermann abode to help style Brielle for her big break. Kim reveals that not only will the mother-daughter duo be visiting E! News, they will also be apartment hunting. Kim divides her time between fawning over Brielle’s fashion and hounding Slade about he’ll survive if his lady love moves permanently to the West Coast. Gloria is taking some time off from being Kim’s bitch assistant so that she can get married. While it’s the most inopportune time for Kim, she’s happy for Gloria. Chef Tracy goad Gloria about how easy her job is, and she offers to do it ten times better in Gloria’s absence. Gloria wishes her luck with an eye roll. Who thinks this chick will make it another season? Wait, why do I expect there to be another season?
It’s been a season of ups and downs for the Little Women: LA cast. We’ve had it all: newbies who like to stir the pot, Little Boss behavior on fleek, gynecologist appointments that left us visually traumatized, and secret marriages to questionable men. And now it’s time to rehash it all on part one of the 2-part LWLA reunion! Tracey Edmonds hosts the show and asks the ladies the tough questions we’ve wanted answers to for months. Plus, a special guest makes an appearance to clear things up about Matt’s proclivity for sexting nude pics to women who are not his wife.
First of all, the production value of this reunion versus last year’s is much improved. The teams seem to be seated according to alliances, reminiscent of Housewives reunion arrangements. On couch left of screen, we have Elena Gant, Tonya Banks, Christy McGinity, and Terra Jole. To Tracey’s right, we have Briana Manson, Jasmine Sorge, and a blue-wigged Brittney Guzman. After they watch a montage clip of the season’s most dramatic highlights, Tracey asks what it’s been like watching this season back. Terra says she noticed it wasn’t her who started most of the drama this season. Tonya admits she saw herself saying things she didn’t realize she’d said. (Like “heifer” 1,000 times?)
“Somethin’ ’bout a boat, sittin’ on the sea; Out there in the wind, floatin’ on the free; Take you ’round the world, bring you back home; Gives a man hope, somethin’ ’bout a boat…Ain’t it crazy how somethin’ seems like nothin’ at all; Take a big old room, make it seem so small; Seein’ windows where there are walls, makes a whole lot of something out of nothin’ at all.” I admit it, these lyrics are in no way indicative of what we witnessed last night, but I love Jimmy Buffett, and he does use the word “crazy” which is applicable!
For the .07% of Bravo’s viewing population that wasn’t convinced that Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is five-star crazy, last night’s Below Deck episode was just for you! It begins with Eddie Lucas putting out the kitchen fire and blaming the issue on Kate Chastain not taking the dirty pans out of the oven. Captain Lee Rosbach oversees the debacle as chef Leon Walker sleeps through the entire event. Kate tries to calm the guests who were awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. The following morning, Amy Johnson can’t believe that Leon isn’t the least bit phased that his galley was up in flames the night before, and Connie Arias is shocked that Emile Kotze didn’t hear the ruckus. Rocky is quick dish to Leon that it was all Kate’s fault as Amy delivers breakfast in bed to the primary charter guest to start off his birthday celebration.
What a weird Real Housewives Of Orange Countyreunion; filled with a whole lot of nothing with a few juicy bits stuffed in between, hanging out here and there, kind of like the weird smooches of flesh hanging over the cut-outs of Tamra Judge‘s very complicated dress. Seriously – Forever XXII is for 21 year olds!
Overall this has been a very weird season of Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s almost Old Testament in its Biblical ruthlessness of judgement and excoriating righting of wrongs. It’s an eye-for-an-eye, or in this case a Jesus Barbie for a Jesus Jugs.
Let’s just break down the important doo-dads before we get to Briana Culberson. Who Brooks is also threatening to sue!