“I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me; on board, I’m the captain, so climb aboard. We’ll search for tomorrow on every shore.” If you’re not a fan of Styx, I’m not sure we can be friends. However, I’ll cut you some slack if you’re enjoying this season of Below Deckas much as I am!
Tonight’s episode begins with the crew socializing on land, and Emile Kotze is overcome with the feelings for Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow. She’s flirting up a storm, but she’s playing the field with both Emile and new guy Dane who immediately pushes his co-worker’s buttons by making fun of a bracelet gifted to Emile by his sister. Rocky stays a few steps ahead of Emile. He missed his golden ticket on their drunken first (and only) date. Eddie Lucas retires to call his girlfriend while Rocky mixes up some whipped cream to coat Connie Arias’ naked body. Chef Leon Walker is amused, to say the least. In his cabin, Eddie is having the same fight with girlfriend Amy who cheated on him last charter season. Amy Johnson is confused by the whipped cream bikini situation, and when Eddie returns to the main deck, he can’t believe the mess. It’s not a frat party! Kate Chastain is playing the role of silent by-stander as Eddie deposits Connie’s underwear on the floor of her room. Kids these days…what are you going to do?
On last night’s episode of “I’m Not A Doctor, But I Play One On TV,” Meghan King Edmonds continued to probe deep into Brooks Ayers. Summing up Real Housewives Of Orange County: Brooks may be lying about cancer, which makes it OK for Meghan to lie by impersonating a cancer patient and calling his doctors. Basically, the type of doctors these two need ain’t treating cancer, but psychosis!
Just to put this out there, since I’m NOT a doctor (nor do I pretend to be), I’ll reserve judgement on diagnosing Brooks. I’ll stick to what I am qualified to do: diagnosing the ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange County as crazy!
Brooks and Vicki Gunvalson finally visit a doctor. If you were expecting an oncologist – think again! Instead, accompanied by the bootleg copy of Yolanda “Lemons Cure” Foster earthing woman, they met with an eastern-meets-western physician to “rebuild” Brooks’s immune system.
Last night’s Ladies of London picked up right where we left off, with grown women in onesies arguing over who’s humping whose hubby. Juliet Angus just caught a unicorn version of Caroline Stanbury posing over Juliet’s husband, Gregor, in a compromising position. And she ain’t happy about it. As Caroline dismisses Juliet for taking umbrage over her “joke,” Caroline’s more than slightly tipsy sister in law, Sophie Stanbury, bends over Juliet to argue about men wanting “variety” and absolutely loving the occasional unicorn hump now and again! So, pfffffffft with ye olde Americans and your easily bruised egos! Caroline takes a more direct approach, flipping Juliet off before she walks away. Getting huffy in plush onesies is no small feat, but these ladies are managing to do just that. Which is hilarious.
After Juliet tells the group she and Gregor are going to bed, Sophie snarks, “You Americans have no idea how to party. I’m gonna go hang out with the Brits!” The drunken Caroline and Sophie, along with wannabe Brit, Marissa Hermer, head up to Caroline’s suite for an after party with their assigned husbands. Caroline doesn’t understand Juliet’s damage. Caroline Fleming coos in Caroline S’s ear that the person who starts the drama usually *is* the drama. The Baroness has spoken! And she has just encapsulated the behavior of every reality star that’s ever cried foul.
Finally. Love & Hip Hop Hollywood is following the trend it created by introducing a bunch of peripheral characters in one episode that we’ll struggle to keep up with for the remainder of the season. It’s about time. Last night’s episode begins with Brandi confronting her husband Max in the studio. The trifling hos didn’t know he was married because he’s neglected to wear his wedding ring. Not okay, especially according to this newbie player! She unearths his wedding band from her suitcase size purse and holds it up as proof for the ladies who were draped across her man. Again, it’s the girls fault, not so much his. Max and Ray-J drag the tiny Tasmanian devil out of the studio, but she puts up quite a fight. She screams at Max about how he’d feel if she was out without her wedding ring. HOW WOULD HE FEEL? I’m guessing he wouldn’t care all that much.
Kamiah is still reeling from being deleted from Lil’ Fizz’s menu, and she’s meeting with celebrity blogger Jason Lee who spouts off his Hollywood resume like I order my weekly Bo Jangles. Kamiah recaps the downfall of her relationship with Fizz which started with her moving her stuff into his place and ended with a rock wall break-up. She recalls Fizz’s erectile dysfunction while Jason foams at the mouth. He can’t wait to post this madness! He reminds her that she needs to be focused on a man that can rise to the occasion. Pun intended.
Oh Monica. I don’t know if I’m more disappointed to find out that you’re friends with Kim Zolciak-Biermann or that you are okay being a part of last night’s Don’t Be Tardy. Either way, last night’s episode didn’t grate on my last nerve per the usual, and I truly enjoyed seeing a deeper side to Kim and Brielle’s mother-daughter relationship.
As the family jokes about Brielle’s ever present ditziness, Kroy suggests she check out Hooked on Phonics. Thanks for the tip, Kroy, but Brielle is just fine only speaking the language she knows. She’s not interested in learning a new one. When Kroy tries to explain that phonics isn’t a different language, I can actually see a light bulb turn on above Brielle’s head as she slowly whispers, “Oh Rosetta Stone!” Brielle has a new path and a plan. She wants to be the next Guiliana Rancic. Kim offers up her celebrity friends as practice interviews.
Last night on Manzo’d With Children there were bachelorette shenanigans in Atlantic City, the less classy red-headed stepchild of Vegas. Apparently Adrienne Maloof is no longer doling out free passes to The Palms.
With Lauren Manzo‘s wedding to the human lump of smothered ricotta known as Vito Scalia approaching, her bros without hoes Albie and Christopher decide they should be in charge of the “send-off” so they whisk Lauren away to Atlantic City for a “Snatchelor Party.” There they hide her away from Vito for the sanctity of family unity.
The idea for “Snatchelor” is hatched when Chris and Albie are excluded from Lauren’s official girls-only bachelorette. Hosted by Greggy Bennett. Naturally he has corralled a party bus to escort this fine delegation in style. Apparently L.A. does not hold all the fascinations of a Manzo fambly event.
Last night’s Sister Wives gave us a peek into Kody Brown’s relationship with third wife Christine. She admits to being extremely jealous in this lifestyle. You don’t say! I am seeing a new formula this season. The episode last week mainly featured Kody and Janelle, and this week, the focus is his time with Christine. Is TLC trying to convince us he loves his other wives as much as he adores Robyn? Good luck!
Speaking of Robyn, she is frantically searching her home office for her divorce papers in light of the highly anticipated adoption. Kody recaps once again the necessary paperwork shuffle that allowed him to divorce Meri and legally marry Robyn. He reveals they are hoping to file in Montana where Robyn’s ex-husband lives. He hears that Montana judges aren’t prejudiced against polygamist families. Um, okay. Kody and all of the wives converge upon their family law attorney to question whether the paperwork shouldn’t have been filed in Nevada. Robyn shares that her ex-husband has, like, been, like, dodging service. When discussing it in their couch interviews, Robyn suffers a panic attack that halts filming. She seems to get more sympathy from Meri than Robyn. The Browns’ attorney is optimistic that Kody could adopt Robyn’s children within a week if her ex is cooperative.
On last night’s Little Women: LA, the ladies take their drama to the racetrack, where tensions escalate between Briana Manson and Tonya Banks. So, let’s jump right in! Terra Jole comes to Tonya’s house bearing a bouquet and announcing their plans to head to the races. Huge hats are, of course, in order. So the ladies begin assembling their super gaudy head gear. Terra invited everyone to the event, including Briana’s much-maligned boyfriend, Matt. Because in Terra’s world, she’s being the bigger person.
But it’s not Matt on Tonya’s sh*t list these days. It’s Briana! Because she ditched filming for day 2 of Tonya’s Little Boss Body workout video, having had enough of Tonya’s low rent production and Little Boss Meltdowns (TM) on day 1.Tonya says Briana gave her no notice, thereby forcing Tonya to cut all of Briana’s footage from day 1 because it wouldn’t work fluidly with day 2 shots. (Question: Did Briana have to return her $5.99 t-shirt?)