Recaps

IF

I will never forget Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X.  It was on the day of the premiere episode of Season 33, when my first born child, my son Clayton, was born.  Perhaps it’s because of this that I may have watched last week’s premiere episode through rose-colored glasses.  I was ecstatic, I was pumped (I was on very little sleep).  But I felt excited for the premiere, and excited that I had a “Survivor Baby,” born on #whitericewednesday.  Maybe one day this little dude will compete on Survivor, or maybe at least curl up next to dad to watch the Season 45 premiere.  He’s already been bought a “The Tribe Has Spoken” onesie, so there is little hope that he will not become enamored with Survivor as his dad is.

But Episode 1 is now behind us, a solid episode overall that introduced several seemingly likable players, and what appears to be a pretty interesting overall theme.  We now pivot to Episode 2, airing tonight, to see if this season can begin creating some momentum moving forward.

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Below Deck recap

Is the glass half empty or half full? In Trevor Walker‘s case, the glass totally missing. Last seen, Trevor was left with no drink in hand, courtesy of Ben Robinson flinging it away from him after a crew night out that saw Trevor turn into a drunken, slurry fool. But will the crew of Below Deck even be able to handle Trevor for one more charter? Answer: No.

When Captain Lee Rosbach gets wind of Trevor’s latest antics (and his awesome hair modeling #skillz), the tides shift. But – wait – there’s suddenly a new crew member to hate on now! Sierra Storm, who has been flying under the radar thus far despite her increasing ineptitude as second stew, butts heads this week with Ben when she can’t seem to scrape a simple salad together. Ooh! And there’s a love triangle taking shape as well. (Finally!) And it’s not the trio I expected. (Was it yours?)

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Dance Moms recap

Is ninety-minutes of Dance Moms really necessary, Lifetime? How much footage could you possibly have? The season is already going to be at least a hundred episodes long, so do we need to be subjected to super-sized episodes each week? Oh well. More air time for Abby Lee Miller at least!

As last night’s episode begins, the mini moms are excited to enter a quiet studio. However, they are quickly bombarded by the veteran mothers who tease them about fighting over a plastic crown during last week’s episode. Jill condescendingly compliments the mini team as “cute.” After some strong duets, the veteran moms are feeling confident in the pyramid. Of course, they are confused when they see so many pictures as part of the weekly round up. Are the minis part of the pyramid as well? Say it isn’t so!

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Kelly Dodd's marriage is a mess

We’re moving on, we’re moving backwards, and we’re moving into straight crazy territory on Real Housewives Of Orange County. Who isn’t on the edge of their seat after that preview for the rest of the season? In a war between Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Judge, it was always a toss-up, but then Tamra found Jesus through jumping jacks and Vicki got ‘duped’ by her own desperation, so now I don’t know… It’s probably still a toss-up!

Apparently Bravo is using Tamra as some sort of Kelly Dodd reflecting pool. Like, ‘Oh remember way back when when Tamra was an irascible ‘naked wasted getting’ bitch throwing wine in her friend’s faces? But now that she’s found the ever-supportive Eddie, she’s calm and centered.’ Like Kelly could be that too if she divorced Michael. I don’t know. Crazy is as crazy does, and crazy takes advice from Tamra and Vicki!

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Real Housewives of New Jersey recap Vermont

To Vermont we go! To Vermont we go… You can take the girls out of Jersey but you can’t take the Real Housewives Of New Jersey out of the girls! Even if you put them in big giant snow boots and plain old terry cloth bathrobes. Last night also signified the return of Kim D (for Desperate!), which in my book is always a good thing! Run on with the big boys, Kim, run on!

Melissa Gorga has lofty ideas to turn the trip to Vermont into one last relaxing weekend for Teresa Giudice before Joe goes to prison and Teresa becomes a single mom. Melissa even invited Teresa’s close friends Robyn and Christina. Unfortunately, Teresa’s girls weekend is beset by problems from the get-go. Two of those problems are named Kathy Wakile and Rosie Pieri.

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90 Day Fiance recap

On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, people tried to act normal in front of their fiances’ families. Alas, they did not accomplish this goal. Whether it was Anfisa halfheartedly trying to persuade Jorge‘s sister that she is truly in this relationship for “love” (HA!) or the hapless Nicole hanging all over Azan while she broke bread with his family, these TLC fiances are officially A MESS.

It’s interesting that the families of the engaged couples seem to understand this point in under a minute flat, yet the fiances themselves march onward in their happy delusions like zombies march toward the smell of fresh brains. Speaking of brains, Nicole needs to snatch one up right quick before Azan calls the Moroccan police on her himself – which he looked a millisecond away from doing after she brought up some “mistakes from her past.” And nobody would blame him for doing so.

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IF

Unlike contestant and television writer David Wright, I’m ready for Survivor!  The 90-minute Premiere Episode of Millennials vs. Gen-X blew in like a tropical storm just upgraded to a cyclone, and in its wake it scattered a number of likable castaways all over the island, representing two of the most annoying generations of America (I belong to one of them, so I can say this).  The “Survivor culture war” was on and within the first day, battle lines were drawn.

So let’s not take any short-cuts, even if Jeff Probst offers us any.  We’re about to dig right into Episode 1 of Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X…and because this is a “recap,” that means that I’m either assuming you saw the episode, or you are wanting to know what happened.  I’ll always try to keep headlines and the first few paragraphs “spoiler free,” but spoilers are definitely coming if you haven’t yet seen the episode.  We’ll assume this pertinent information moving forward through the seasons.  So with that…

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Little Women: Atlanta recap

Little Women: Atlanta focuses on motherhood this week – the good, the bad, and the pukey.

With baby Aubrey still in the NICU, Amanda and Andrea Salinas head to the gym with Minnie Ross to work off some of those bad vibes from the psychic dinner gone wrong. Minnie feels like the psychic was a fake but right on cue, the lights in the gym go out. Minnie is spooked but the real issue here is that The Other Twins stirred up drama yet again and Minnie is pissed Ms. Juicy jumped on the opportunity to question her miscarriage. I would like to think, along with Minnie, that issue has been put to bed, but Ms. Juicy isn’t about to give up that bone.

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