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rhom-reacap

Three things you need to know about the Real Housewives of Miami:

1) They do not know the definition of the word "hypocrite" (I think this is a trait that expands across all Housewives domains). 

2) They don't understand "good manners" (Minding your Ps & Qs is not a Housewives forte).

3) They are baaaad actresses! 

With that being said, let's dive into this nonsense and rip apart the episode. It all begins with Joanna Krupa dry humping Romain Zago in front of their braaaand neeeeew rented swimming pool! 

Romain is on a mission to surprise Joanna left and right on Bravo's dime for a storyline. I mean Joanna needs to serve some purpose on this show besides looking amazing and hating Adriana de Moura, right?! First Romain surprised her with a car and now a new house he rented for them to live in as husband and wife.

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sister wives 5

On last night's Sister Wives, Kody Brown, along with wives Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn, address audience questions, and not surprisingly, hypocrisy abounds.  Discussing the clothing worn by the daughters, Kody reveals that he wants his girls to dress conservatively.  The boys don't need to see their goods.  Mykelti thinks that the teenage years are the time to experiment with style, and Hunter certainly doesn't have a problem with girls at his school dressing in tight shirts.

Speaking of tight, the kids are then asked if they like how their father dresses.  His jeans are far too tight, but Kody shares he's got the body for it, and his wives love seeing his buns in that snug denim.  I just threw up in my mouth a bit…

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rhonj-recap-crazy-horse

Therapy by Bravo continues, y'all! This time involving a poor innocent horse in its nonsense. 

Last night the intransigent Real Housewives of New Jersey gang continued their journey to togetherness in Arizona. While some people seemed to really be soaking in all the free psychological healing Bravo was throwing their way, others really dug their heels into the delusion. I'ma lookin' at you Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga

Things begin with Melissa complaining that there's too much like progress happening. She croaks out that she's much prefer to sit by the pool and hock up phlegm while drinking cocktails and rocking yet another fringe bikini. Instead they'll be heading to a horse barn for a therapeutic exercise about being vulnerable and trusting others. Melissa wonders if she can wear a fringe bikini. 

Outside Jacqueline Laurita is relaxing with some spiked orange juice and talking to husband Chris about Teresa's "karma" comment. Jacqueline obsesses over whether or not Teresa was making a dig. Chris doesn't seem to think she was but admits that one never knows with that tricky Teresa. And he's known Teresa since the days when Jacqueline was a lowly Vegas stripper so he's kinda like an expert on Tre's crazy, thanks to Dina.

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duck4

I think things are really going to be great this season of Duck Dynasty.  It's fun, light-hearted and not too scripted!  I love seeing the Robertsons get together, and I think it's hilarious the way Phil interacts with his grandchildren.  

Jase is installing a new dock with his brothers and friends as Si gives orders from the edge of the water.  Si is great at supervision, but he's reminded that he, of all people, does not have super vision.  I think we can all attest to that having seen his coke bottle glasses.

At the warehouse, Si is regaling the warehouse crew with stories of his football days.  Jase has Si's football formula memorized.  First, there is a grand exaggeration followed by Si's remarkable strategy.  After awhile, the actual story of the game begins, but it's riddled with commercial breaks for Epsom salt, sweet tea, and more ridiculously exaggerated stories.

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dance

What happened on last night's Dance Moms should have stayed on last night's Dance Moms…okay, so that didn't really work, but you get the Vegas reference, right?  Abby Lee Miller is probably upset that her behavior didn't stay in Vegas, because, dare I say, she actually showed a glimmer of humanity and emotion about her fallout with Kelly.

I can't say I'm excited to see the pyramid back in action after such a nice hiatus.  The moms aren't satisfied with Abby's nonexistent reason for her past absences, but Abby doesn't care.  She didn't want to be around people who treat her negatively.  Kelly and Abby get into it over who did or didn't make a spectacle in Orlando when someone should have (or shouldn't have) moved seats.  When Kelly calls her out for acting like Kathy, Abby says that it wasn't Kathy's behavior that always rattled her, it was her reaction to Kathy's behavior that rattled her.  Has someone been doing some self-reflection?

Before Abby unveils the girls' ranking in the pyramid, Holly questions how she made her decision given that she's skipped the last two competitions.  Duh, score cards!  Paige is at the bottom because she's Kelly's daughter, but also because she needs to be a more technical dancer.  Brooke follows her sister for her recent fourth place solo.  Nia is third from the bottom…not because she doesn't try, but because it's just not clicking for her.  Kendall rounds out the bottom for being inconsistent and performing better in rehearsal than competition.  MacKenzie is on the tail end of the second tier for careless mistakes, followed by Asia who is improving each week.  Maddie takes the second spot because Abby thinks she needs to setting her goals higher.  Chloe has finally made it back to the top of the pyramid.

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teen-mom-3-molli

During the first hour of the Teen Mom 3 premiere, Briana DeJesus took legal action against  Devoin Austin,  Mackenzie Douthit and Josh McKee struggled with mature communication,  Katie Yeager and Joey Maes argued non-stop, and Matt McCann's return from rehab stressed out Alex Sekella.

Believe it or not hour number two ends with one of these awe-inspiring couples becoming engaged to be married. All together now – seriously?!?

Mackenzie talks to a friend about her relationship woes. She briefly wonders if Josh resents her for pursuing cheer after she demanded he quit rodeo he put bull riding on hold. Crazy talk! Mackenzie comes to the conclusion that she and Josh fight too much because they don't spend enough time together. She plans to ask him to move in with her.

Cayla wisely questions Mackenzie's thought process. She reasons, "I know moving in is risky, but it's got to be better than living apart."

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teen-mom-3-nova-briana-dejesus

MTV's Teen Mom series lives on with a new group of young moms.  Teen Mom 3  follows the lives of  Briana DeJesus, Katie Yeager, Mackenzie Douthit, and Alex Sekella as they tackle their first year of motherhood. 

The very long and emotional premiere begins with Briana. As you'll recall from 16 and Pregnant, Briana and her sister became pregnant at the same time. Brittany opted to have an abortion; Briana chose motherhood. Sadly, Devoin Austin checked out long before his daughter was born, causing Briana to keep his name off of Nova's birth certificate. 

Now Briana leans on Brittany and Mom for help with Nova.  Over lunch, the girls school Mom on what happens in relationships (Hint: not innocent walks on the beach. Evidence: see Nova.), and Mom sternly tells them NO MORE BOYS!

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rhom-adriana-lea

Well, another Real Housewives friendship bit the dust! Last night on Real Housewives of Miami two long-time friends fell apart over one massive lie and a whole buncha excuses. 

Adriana de Moura and Lea Black are continuing their argument from last week. Attempting a Breakfast At Tiffany's drama queen moment Adriana goes to stand out in the rain while she desperately calls a taxi. Did she pawn her car to pay for Chanel? I mean the Bank of Lea is now officially closed… 

Lea comes out to woo Adriana back inside where they continue bickering about how Ana attacked Lea at least season's reunion and how Lea decided to be friends with Joanna Krupa even though she's Adriana's mortal enemy. Adriana doesn't believe Lea should have any sort of relationship with "Ho-anna". And then Lea hits Adriana where it really hurts: "Why are you so jealous of Joanna?"

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