Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on.
Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.
Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME!
Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love.
It was another drama fueled evening on last night's Love & Hip Hop. The men showed what true class acts they are with Saigon being physically restrained from going after his child's mother and Peter Gunz vowing to do whatever it takes to make sure he keeps both his wife and his girlfriend in his back pocket. At least Rich Dollaz remains his normal doormat self. Thank goodness for small favors!
To get out her aggression, Tara Wallace turns to boxing with Yandy Smith at her cousin's gym. Let's hope he doesn't take any Instagrams of the ladies like last season! Tara shares her own Instagram gold mine where she found Amina Buddafly's videos of Peter. Three glasses of wine later and she's cutting up all of his belongings. Three glasses? I would have only needed three sips to wreak havoc on Peter's gross behind. Tara asks Yandy about the management situation with Amina, and she seems to understand that it's just business. If Yandy wants to sign Amina, Tara knows that it is what it is. However, Yandy doesn't want the mess that signing Amina brings, and she assures her friend that Amina will not be a part of her label.
Saigon wants to get to know Erica Jean better since, oh, you know, they have a CHILD together. He takes her on a painting date to learn more about his baby mama on a deeper level. They chat about how great being parents is, and I have to applaud them for remembering their lines because this is the most fake conversation ever. Paging Jane Seymour–these two are poised to be the next spokespeople for Kaye's Open Hearts Collection. Their kiss seems about as forced as their small talk.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Things naturally begin at a sex swing lesson. Kenya (rocking some leggings so tight I swear they had to be surgically removed and coochie crack was as well as booty crack imminent) has all her faux assets on display as she swings upside down. 'Weeeeeee! I'm gone with the wind fabulous!' she's cheering to herself when Kandi Burruss walks in.
Speaking for the masses, Kandi announces she is over Gone With The Wind Fabulous: "The wind is gone. It's blown away." Amen. Kandi demures participating in sex swinging because she sprained her ankle falling off some heels. The real reason for this meet up is investigative journalism. Kandi wants to know the true nature of Kenya and Apollo's texting. Or was it sexting…
I must say that Preachers of L.A. has grown on me much more than I thought possible. I adore Jay Heazlip and Ron Gibsonalthough only their wives were featured last night. Wayne Chaney is definitely growing on me. Noel Jones is hilarious…not on purpose, which makes him even more funny. Deitrick Haddon no longer makes me want to change the channel. Clarence McClendon is also, yeah, um… At least he was on hiatus again. If this were Bravo, I'd classify him as a "friend of the preachers."
Last night's episode begins with LaVette Gibson doing what she does best…meddling. She has called Jay's wife Christy and Wayne's wife Myesha to join her for lunch so they can impart some last minute advice on Dominique before she weds Dietrick. Of course the ladies don't know about their quickie marriage a few weeks before so they could cohabitate not in sin. LaVette is sad that she and Ron will have to miss the ceremony due to a trip to Haiti. Dominique wants to know how the women enjoy their husbands outside of the church together. Myesha is quick to "connecting frequently" because she won't say "sex." LaVette likes to experiment with different locales when getting busy. As Dominique notes she's a pastor's wife in the streets but a freak in the sheets.
Reza complains about how Lilly acts like she is above the rest of the group – yes, really – and he's proud of MJ for finding her voice. Wait. Let me get this straight. A few months ago, MJ was a sloppy pill popping lying alcoholic, but now she's appropriately reacting to the hate that Lilly spews? Got it.
Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi thinks Lilly's right, in this instance, but she chooses not to speak up. I have a feeling she comes to regret this.
DISCLAIMER: the Teen Mom 3 reunion was taped on November 3, 2012. Yes. MTV is giving us footage that's over a year old to "update" us on the season.
Nevertheless, season one of Teen Mom 3 has come to an end, so it's time for the new Teen Mom cast to talk to Dr. Drew Pinsky. (FOR TWO HOURS!)
The reunion kicks off with Katie Yeager and Joey Maes. Surprise – they are back together! You see, every time Joey's new girlfriend nagged him, it reminded him of Katie. And Joey eventually came to realize that Katie's the only nagger for him. Isn't that sweet?
Katie reveals that Joey was with Brigette for a month before he came back to her. Everything that went wrong is still Joey's fault, of course, but Katie says she's trying to move on, adding, "The only way we're going to forgive and trust is if we move on."
Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatchStassi Schroeder?
Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.
The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is.