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Princesses: Long Island tells the same story every week. This week's Jewish husband finding adventure – with a side dish of Erica Gimbel was too hot to handle in high school – begins with Amanda Bertoncini and Chanel "Coco" Omari shopping for dresses for Ashlee White's upcoming 30th birthday bash. 

First, Chanel tells Amanda that ex-boyfriend Michael, who dumped her twice to hook up with his 19-year-old ex-girlfriend, is trying to weasel his way back into her life. Chanel vows to never let that happen again. Amanda tries on a tank top and pretends that is a "super hot" dress. Oy. She best not show too much vagina or her boyfriend will run away. Finally, the princesses try on a few more dresses and get "Coco Bootylicious" in the store.

While having her hair done for the party, Ashlee jokes about turning 30 while looking 4. HAHA. Can someone please explain to Ashlee that "too little to ride alone at Disney" does not equate "looks 4 years old"? She looks like she's pushing 40. Ashlee goes on to to brag about her "huge" party because she's annoying like that.

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Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey it was another round of tit-for-tat over the most mundane crap imaginable. I mean, maybe it's not mundane if it's your family, but after 2.5 seasons of the storyline that never ends, I think we're all a bit tired of the Gorgadice family feud. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results, I think we can all officially declare the Gorgadices "insane". Right, Dr. Jacqueline Laurita, wino-behavioral specialist! 

Things begin – oh who really cares where they begin because this show is like a loop everything ends and begins in the same exact spot so that you never know which episode is which and what exactly happened. Let's start with Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga rehashing birthday party-gate to their respective spouses while their kids all listen nearby. 

Melissa is flipping some pancakes and Poison is deciding if they'll liquefy in his intestines so we all have to hear about his explosive diarrhea again, then she tells him something else vomit-inducing; that Teresa and Kim D (Teresa's soldier in the hideous hair extension army) like attacked her at Gia's party. And it was like sooooo terrible, and now she has to go into witness protection, and she did so visit her FIL in the hospital for like hours and hours and hours except she was in the lobby on twitter and reading magazines so he didn't actually see her. Meanwhile Antonia's just hanging out in the background. 

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Gahhh!  I hate, hate, HATE to admit it, but I missed the craziness that only Abby Lee Miller and her nemesis mothers can bring to Dance Moms.  As much as I usually deplore their awful behavior, it's ten times better than watching a show centered around the snooze-worthy Candy Apples.  Who's with me?  I know, I know.  I'm a total hypocrite.

Abby is in Los Angeles looking for property for a new studio space.  She plans to install silks (the mounted scarf like apparatus for lyrical dancers…think Cirque) so that her new dancers can have a leg up on competitors.  Abby is really thinking of a permanent move, and she's convinced that Melissa would make sure that Maddie and MacKenzie followed her West.  As for her other dancers…who needs 'em?  She's already setting the stage for next season's Dance Moms: L.A.  Help us!

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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County maturity was out in full force! Lydia McLaughlin attempted to throw a drama-free salsa dancing party which brought out as much cattiness in the ladies as penises in paradise did! Can Gretchen Rossi get along with anyone? #RhetoricalQuestion

​Things begin with Heather Dubrow being ridiculous. Apparently Heather just cannot possibly attend Lydia's salsa party if Alexis Bellino is there given that Alexis is like soooo fake and phony and faux and everything horrible. Lydia encourages Heather to try and make amends with Alexis and call her so they can put their differences aside. Lydia calls herself the "Friendship Whisperer." If this woman starts teaching classes and writing how-to books about training people to curb their aggression using treats I think I might explode. 

After much twisting of the Chanel pearls ('cause costume jewelry is only acceptable if it's Chanel) Heather concedes she will be the bigger person and call Alexis. Lydia lets out a squee. 

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I'll be honest.  I have been actively trying to connect with these couples to no avail.  There was so much bickering and pettiness.  However, last night's Newlyweds: The First Year actually made me feel for the couples (it's about time given that the finale is next week!).  I celebrated their successes, and I was upset about their hardships.  Tina Sugandh and Tarz Ludwigsen suffer through a traumatic event, and they grow closer thanks to Tina's dad's ridiculous new girlfriend.  Blair Late is concerned about how active Jeff Pedersen's solo sex life is, while Kim and Alaska Gedeon actually get along.  He's even quite charming!  I know.  I couldn't believe it either.  Kathryn Bougadis and John Lagoudes impatiently wait (and wait and wait and wait) for the birth of their son.

After being excited about her cycle being late, a teary Tina reveals to her mother-in-law that she suffered a miscarriage.  It's heartbreaking to hear her say she's not fit to carry a child.  Tarz's mom reminds Tina to look at this as an isolated incident.  She doesn't want her daughter-in-law to jump to conclusions with no medical information to back up her worries.

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Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was all about a watch analogy.  K. Michelle realized it was time to act her age (although she may have had a little hiccup), Nikko was ready to clean Stevie J.'s clock when Stevie tried to upstage him in the gift-giving department, and Mimi Faust seems poised to give Stevie a "second" chance.  Sorry, that last one was a stretch!

After their bust-up, Joseline Hernandez meets with Stevie J. to get her money from her international record deal.  She doesn't want to fight with him, but she's tired of him bleeping every other bleeping bleeps and buying TVs for hos.  His bleep is raw, and Joseline doesn't want it anymore…she just wants her contract and her big record deal.  Unfortunately, Stevie drops the bomb that the deal fell through.  Oh, and if you didn't already know, he owns Joseline.  Please.

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This week on Princesses: Long Island, the Hamptons weekend continues, and it's beyond horrible. 

In case you forgot: Erica Gimbel slept with Casey Cohen's boyfriend in high school, and Chanel "Coco" Omari, the bringer togetherer of this group, has invited both of them to the Hamptons for the weekend. They're all adults, so not a big deal, right? Not a chance in hell! Their first dinner ends with Casey at the dinner table, holding her head and sobbing, and Erica in the backyard, puffing away and looking like a regurgitated hair ball.

Casey is clearly cray cray, and Chanel, Ashlee White, and Joey stare at her accordingly. She leaves the room to search for the marbles she has lost but finds Erica instead. Casey takes this opportunity to remind the whore that she has ruined her life. Like, Erica slept with Casey's boyfriend well over ten years ago, and it still consumes her thoughts daily.

My first three thoughts: Where does Andy Cohen find these people? I also cannot figure out why Joey Lauren, a seemingly normal, classy young woman, is friends with them. And I am going to need a lot of wine to get through the rest of the season.

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Alright kiddos, so Real Housewives of New Jersey happened so let's all take a break from bashing our heads against the wall to read this recap. I personally would rather go through another drug-free labor than spend one more minute on the Teresa Giudice vs. Melissa Gorga mess, but hey – duty calls. Oh – and in case you haven't heard I had a baby this week! Word to the wise: try to get to the hospital in a timely manner, right Melissa?!! 

Last night Teresa and Melissa put forth another round of she-said/she-said; bobbing and weaving around the ring like two drag queens in a RuPaul's Drag Race boxing challenge. Except the fashionably challenged version! It was sparkly leopard print verbal uppercut blocked by spray-tanned orange fauxmarble encrusted sucker punch. And a low-brow duck followed by a high-brow weave and spin. Before we knew it, fur was flying and Caroline Manzo's front yard petting zoo had died in vain over more of Teresa and Melissa's nonsense. 

Since we're talking boxing – things begin in a gym. Apparently all of Franklin Lakes and its surrounding lower echelon suburbs go to the same gym and NONE of them knew it! Just imagine… no awkward collisions at the lowfat banana smoothie bar ever occurred! Who would believe it?! 

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