Liz and Taylor are shocked. "That's part of my repertoire," announces Taylor. Lovely. "I'm an expert," says Liz who decimated Jon in an earlier episode for "beating off". Hypocrite much?
The next day Liz and Jon have a little gift for Kelsey – it's her very first vibrator! Surprisingly it did not come fromFarrah Abraham's line of sex toys. She wasn't passing out goody bags?! Oh but wait – she was forced to make those vaj-molds and videotape herself doing it! Cause we all want a keek of Farrah's crotchal region covered in plaster! I don't know what's a grosser vibrator association: Jon or Farrah.
Moving on, Taylor is struggling with parenting. "I don't parent," she slurs at the camera before course correcting to explain she doesn't set boundaries. #FreudianSlip Kennedy comes to the house the next day for some quality time with this woman who people say is her mom. Taylor greets Kennedy with villainous laugh that lasts about 5 minutes. In return, Kennedy shoots Taylor dirty looks that could melt a lip-plant.
Yesterday on Teen Mom 2 there was wedding drama, bad hair, baby daddy drama, and Jenelle Evans continued to be delusional. You know, same old!
Kailyn Lowry is having wedding drama and is a complete bridezilla. She's also a wifezilla, a babydaddyzilla and probably any other kind of 'zilla you can think of. Combining 'zilla tendencies with Snuffy moping nonsense makes Kail unbearable. Stay off my TV until you've had this baby because you are an emotional wreck, Kailzilla!
Kail has like 9 bridesmaids – one for each month she's pregnant! – including Javi's sister and his sister's friend. Unfortunately since Javi's family probably doesn't like Kail, Javi's sister and friend aren't super motivated to participate in wedding planning. Why would you have your husband's sister's FRIEND in your bridal party? Weird. Kail claims they don't want to spend any money on wedding stuff and they don't want to do super-fun stuff like sit in someone's kitchen to test hairstyles while Kail Snuffys along.
How much longer is this show going to be on? I remember that the last season of Dance Moms seemed to go on forever, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take of Abby Lee Miller. Last night, she gave Chloe a bit of a reprieve while she focused most of her ugliness on poor Kendall. These girls are not okay with this abuse. Sure, there are a few scenes here and there that make me think parts of the episode are totally scripted, but Kendall's tears were real. The defeat in Chloe's eyes was real. The look on Nia's face that made it quite clear she couldn't stand her dance teacher (loved it!)…that was real.
Before the pyramid, Holly invites Abby and the other mother's to come to her book-signing party for her affirmations. Abby reminds Nia that dance should come first and insinuates she should get credit for ideas behind the book. Abby wonders if her affirmation "silence is golden" will apply when Holly learns that Nia is at the bottom of the pyramid. That's the face I'm talking about, Miss Nia! Kendall follows, and while Abby couldn't find anything wrong with Kendall's performance she wants to punish her for her mother questioning why she wasn't featured in the group dance. Maddie is third from the bottom because she wasn't at the competition, but Abby is still proud of the job she was doing in L.A. Am I wrong or does Abby usually put other dancers who are absent in the last spot? Chloe is in the third spot, and Christi can't believe that Abby gives her daughter even the smallest amount of praise. MacKenzie is second with Kalani topping the pyramid.
Last night was the second episode of Private Lives of Nashville Wives. The ladies continued to get to know each other and already the bitchy claws are coming out – southern girl style for some and full-fledged Real Housewife in training for others!
Cassie Chapman and her husband Gary have had their share of struggles – most notably their inability to have a child. The couple finally decided to adopt their daughter Eva Rose. Unfortunately birth mom Chelsea has ten days to change her mind and seems to be wavering. Cassie is on pins and needles, but Gary trusts faith and believes, "The more you anticipate the good, the better it will be."
To take her mind off the stressful situation Cassie decides to visit Erika Page White. Erika is a control freak and a micro-manager who invites Cassie over to tour their immaculate to the point of boring home. It is literally like one of those extended stay hotels except 4x the size. Everything is beige and bland. Even the master bedroom features rent-a-center style dullsville furniture and no personal touches. Erika describes "perfect" as a closet that is completely empty and "echos". Her hallway closet has one thing in it: a Dyson – and definitely NOT the purple Dyson Pet, the classic yellow for impeccably clean people.
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ousted Lisa Vanderpump from Puerto Rico and bonded over how awesome it is to have the reigning queen off the island. Temporarily they're all getting along until the jockeying for position resumes anew. I think it's safe to say Kim Richards is out of the running.
In Puerto Rico all the ladies meet for breakfast where Joyce Giraudhas dressed in what is in her approximation casual pageant gear. Aka, a maxi dress with sparkles and spangles that weigh more than she does.
I've never had more of a conflicting feeling when recapping a new show. On one hand, I couldn't wait for the train wreck that is Bravo's Southern Charm. On the other hand, it's a train wreck that's filmed in my backyard of Charleston, South Carolina. Okay, so maybe it's not technically my backyard because I am certainly not living South of Broad (anymore…I did rent a carriage house for two years in law school that was in the exclusive area blocks from the Battery, but it didn't have central air or any form of heat which made it less hoity-toity!), but this is a small town. Everywhere I went yesterday I heard people talking about the show with equal parts disgust and intrigue…which is exactly how I approached it! I do have to applaud Bravo for finally making dudes look like total d-bags instead of focusing on women who eat, sleep, and breathe drama.
And so it begins. In the opening montage, I see my office and my church. It's surreal, but I have a feeling it's something I'm going to have to get used to as the season progresses. I apologize in advance for being all "fan girl" over the city…not the participants in this debacle! Thomas Ravenel, the state's former treasurer, is just ridiculous. I'm going to have the hardest time not being horribly snarky when it comes to T-Rav. I once saw him making out at an oyster bar, and it was sloppy. Then he went to jail. As he's being introduced, co-star Whitney Sudler-Smith (who is also listed as an executive producer on the show…really, Andy Cohen?) does a spot-on interpretation of the name-dropping Southerner. T-Rav opens by reinventing himself on a radio show. Good times.
Last night on Couples Therapy, Dr. Jenn Berman and Dr. Mike Dow asked the four couples and one lone bird to "let out their past demons" by destroying a house. And the Couples Therapy Award for Disturbing Anger Issues goes to Jon Gosselin. This guy need serious help with anger management. Like, real therapy, not made for reality TV therapy.
Whitney says she tries to be sensitive to Sada's needs, but she wishes Sada would speak up if she's missing the mark. Sada says she knows Whitney's not a mind reader. However, she follows that with, but communication is reading your partner's cues and emotions. Oh Sada. Is there any hope for her? On a positive note, she does understand that she projects her issues onto Whitney.
Out of the blue, Farrah Abraham crawls into bed withTaylor Armstrong and John Bluher for a "bed shot" picture. You can take the girl out of the porn, but you can't take the porn out of the girl. Taylor plays along despite the fact that she hatesFarrah's guts. Because, cameras!
Okay. So, wow. Last night's Mob Wives reunion took a page out of the Shahs of Sunset debacle with a sit down dinner hosted by Sherri Shepherd. Big Ang is wearing a sequined hoodie that was definitely inspired by the great Whitney Houston's role in The Bodyguard. I really don't know what else to say. Sherri announces that the women have joined together to break bread instead of breaking tables. That's a plus.
Right off the bat, Sherri asks Alicia diMichele Garofalo about where her sentencing stands. Alicia reveals that because the restitution portion of her case has yet to be settled, the judge had to postpone her sentencing. We are then treated to highlights of the colossal beat down drama between Natalie Guercio and Renee Graziano. The women laugh that Ang, who gets along with everyone, was wary of Natalie, while Renee initially thought Natalie was her mini-me. I don't think I've ever seen a more hilarious video montage than one themed "Delicious." Renee calls the comment rude, and Sherri tries to impart that Natalie was trying to pay her beau a compliment. In no way does Renee think that Natalie was hitting on her man, but she finds the term incredibly disrespectful. Drita D'avanzo agrees, but not the extent that Renee does. Remind me that if I ever find myself at meal cooked by Renee to have a pocketful of synonyms!