Recaps

Tom and Katie wedding

Last night on the season finale of Vanderpuimp Rules two people were joined in partnership for an LA eternity. Tom 1 and Tom 2, you have now become: TOM-TOM. Long live our officiant Lisa Vanderpump!

It was a big night of commitment for our Schwartzy, the little commitment-phobe that couldn’t. In front of some of his family, and all of his friends, he said “I Do” to Katie Maloney, thus establishing himself Mr. Three-Headed-She Beast. Stassi Schroeder cried tears of pure vodka-poisoned joy that her two best friends were officially, legally soulmates, and then she made Katie swear on her eyeshadow collection that Stassi would always be a part of them. Like a stye?

It was actually a sweet ceremony. Courtesy of Tom, who drank the tequila-aid and suddenly found himself overjoyed to be standing at an altar next to Katie’s drapes of a wedding gown. Oof – that dress: a pair of nude pantyhose someone bedazzled; full body spanks that got Pinterested and sold on Etsy. It isn’t easy being country-cutsey-woodsy-glammy-chic on a budget!

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Kenya & Matt

Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta certainly contained some baggage! And not all of it was Cargo By Cynthia Bailey. At least no one lost their bags in Maui (only their marbles).

After conquering LA with her Cargo collection, Cynthia is ready to take on Atlanta – America’s fashion mecca. Let’s be honest though, the real person Cynthia needs to impress is Sheree Whitfield. THE elegant and sophisticated fashion pioneer behind the infamous and influential She By Sheree. Big leagues!

Kairo has modeling dreams so as a favor to build his portfolio Cynthia asked him to walk in her show. Kairo dead-eye shuffles like he’s auditioning for The Walking Dead and is carrying his former human life in that mock-croc backpack. Sheree is the only one impressed, and she’s the only one unimpressed that Kairo’s only compensation is a measly bag. Even though most of the models aren’t even getting that.

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The Tables Have Turned

For those who might have thought that Survivor: Game Changers was off to a slow start, well, all of your prayers have been answered. Last night’s unexpected thrill-ride of an episode was just as entertaining as it was shocking. It leaves me completely flabbergasted (always wanted to use that word) that 34 Seasons and over 500 episodes later, the game can still create “Survivor Firsts,” but that is exactly what happened. A seemingly cool “twist” led to more than the Survivor producers could have hoped for.

There is LOTS to get to, so here is your last spoiler warning, as we will be discussing the events of Episode 3 of Survivor. So grab your coffee (#coffeeisforclosers, after all) and get ready for a recap that will hopefully be a little less chaotic than that epic Tribal Council was.

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rhobh-erika-mad

Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was really something! Erika Jayne went from having no feelings she lets out, to melting into a puddle of icky goo. Don’t even get me started on Lisa Rinna. She needs to play Freeze Tag with her own lips. But we learned a very important thing: if you do not abide by the Buddha’s preach for peace and goodwill, you’re going to get served a severed friendship, surrounded by unfounded accusations.

When I say last night was not a good look for Erika, I mean that literally. She has a pretty cry face, but good lord, her sobbing and swearing at Eileen Davidson with 10 feet of pancake makeup and and Tammy Faye Baker eyes was frightening, Wicked Witch Of The West style. Honey those glams you pay need to tone down the fabulous.

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Katie wedding gown
The countdown is finally over! We Vanderpump Rules watchers have finally arrived at the inevitable nuptials of two people so solely unhappy together it’s almost not funny. So, yes, last night was the debut of Katie Maloney‘s wedding gown and it was even worse than Scheana Marie‘s. But the biggest shock was that Tom 2 actually seemed happy to be getting married. That’s a change!

Tom and Katie spent $51,000 on a wedding in someone’s backyard next to the train tracks, yet Tom couldn’t afford to fly his family out to attend. Only his mom, Kim, the object of Jax Taylor‘s wanton obsession, has made it. Thus far anyway. I guess Jax imagines that Kim is a woman who knows how to make a turkey sandwich?

Anyway, call me confused but wouldn’t you factor ‘flying family to wedding’ into your budget above $10,000 worth of flowers, or a $4,000 Tacky Tuesday rehearsal dinner? Was Tom 2 too afraid of Katie’s wrath or something… Likely he actually fears Katie’s combined forces with Stassi Schroeder, the official plus one of his wedding and entire life. Yes, after all her maneuvering Stassi has finally secured the spot of Maid Of Honor. Unofficially so as not to hurt Kristen Doute‘s feelings, but honestly where else would one place their Celestial Wife in the order of things?

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teen-mom-reunion

OK, so if you tuned in for the supersized Teen Mom 2 last night, we are now on to the actual reunion portion of things, with hopefully ALL the teen moms. If you didn’t have the stomach for two hours (and believe me, I understand), check out my recap on the first half so you’re all caught up. You’re going to need it as a point of reference and really, that’s where all the action happened. Tonight’s reunion was pretty quiet in comparison.

As Leah Messer and Kailyn Lowry get hair and makeup, Chelsea Houska is back on set after a fever yesterday and (surprise!) so is Jenelle Evans, who faked sick and stormed off set because she was mad at her mom. In the makeup chair, Jenelle defends herself and blames the producers again for her troubles with Barb. Under the watchful eye of Baby Daddy/Creepy Control Freak David Eason, Jenelle goes to film her intro on the reunion and when asked what her most positive trait is, she doesn’t have one but two for us: being well spoken and also, educated. HA! With that little gem, on with the show!

kailyn

So last week on Teen Mom 2, we were left with the ever frustrating “To Be Continued…..” as Kailyn Lowry proclaimed to soon-to-be ex-husband Javi Marroquin that “sometimes you need to hurt people to make yourself happy.” That seems to sum up Kail pretty nicely but hey, at least girlfriend is staying true to herself. Naturally, Javi can’t leave on that note and after storming out, he storms right back in – without knocking!!!! Take that, Kail!

When Javi does come back in, he doesn’t get the warmest welcome and Kail immediately tells him to get out. Javi plops down on the couch and says he doesn’t want to fight anymore. Kail insists that she doesn’t want to make their divorce about them, it’s about Lincoln. No, sweetie, your divorce is about your marriage, not your child but nice try to get out of dealing with whatever problems you guys did have that led up to this point. After brow beating Javi some more, he is finally worn down to the point of getting teary and realizes he won’t get through to Kail at all. He asks if they can leave today on good terms and co-parent together. “That’s up to you” Kail snaps back. On to the reunion!

Kenya & Phaedra

Despite the failed Restoration on last week’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, I thought people were moving forward, but like Paula Abdul dancing with a cartoon cheetah it was two steps forward and two steps back … except Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks do NOT go together because sometimes opposites attack!

I gotta say Phaedra really disappointed me. Usually I’d see Kenya as the cartoon cheetah in this scenario, but last night it was sooo Phaedra! One thing about this trip to Maui was that that the ladies really shed their facades and let their guards down for a change.

The episode opens with Kenya and Phaedra playing tennis, bantering as they batted balls – badly – back and forth. Kenya seems hopeful that she and Phaedra are on their way to a real friendship, but Phaedra is still content to keep things at a distance. Although she’s glad she and Kenya aren’t having drama like everyone else. DUH – DUH -DUH… that’s some horror movie foreshadowing right there! Especially when Phaedra mentions, again, that she doesn’t quite trust Kenya (or any of these girls) with the status of her divorce.

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