Recaps

blood sweat and heels

Last night on Blood, Sweat, and Heels the ladies do what no Real Housewife has (possibly) ever done by episode 3 in a season: they make up with dignity and class. Daisy Lewellyn gets disappointing news about her final cancer treatment though, while Melyssa Ford makes plans to head back into the real estate world, and new girl Chantelle Fraser steps on some toes.

Melyssa is grateful that opening night of her play is over so she’s celebrating by getting pedicures with her mom & aunt. Her mom was touched by the part in the play where no one wanted to listen to her talk (back-in-the-day-like-10-years-ago) when she was a video vixen. Melyssa feels good about finally being able to open up to her mom. Having always been a daddy’s girl, she knows she’s held her mom at arm’s length for too long and wants to focus on being a better daughter now.

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It’s game time in Melbourne this week! Most of the Real Housewives of Melbourne ladies gather at the big AFL game and have champs to catch up. Chyka Keebaugh’s company is behind the scenes running the catering and event planning which looks fantastic.

Everyone is dressed to impress – sans Jackie Gillies and Gina Liano, the ladies look really great! I don’t see too much glitter from anyone with the exception of Pettifleur Berenger . I’m having a real hard time understanding her style. I think she walked in with sparkly blue jeggings on or maybe it was sparkly doilies glues on the sides of jeggings, I couldn’t tell. Pettifleur’s style is um, kinda tacky. Gamble Breaux is rocking some serious two-tone hair and I have to say, with minimal make-up and her hair completely straightened – she looks fierce. Then she opens her mouth. Herein lies the problem. Lydia declines champs and Gamble blurts out the question if she’s pregnant. Oh man. Lydia is incredibly offended and sort of laughs it off. At least Gamble recognizes in her interview that was a poor choice of words.

little-women-ny

It’s only the third episode of Little Women: NY and the brawls, they are a’brewin’. Last night, Jordanna James rounds up a few of the ladies (and Jason Perez, because…why not?) to join her in a burlesque show she’s producing, Lila Call gets back into the dating scene, and Jazmin Lang confronts her fears (mainly in the form of sister-in-law Dawn Lang) about becoming a little person performer. Misty Irwin also sacrificially offers up her boyfriend, Joe, on the altar of parental approval.  

We open up at lunch with Jordanna asking Kristin Zettlemoyer, Jason and Jazmin to perform in a burlesque show she’s putting on a week from now. She cold opens with the very serious question, “Can you twerk?” Her burlesque group, called Sass n’ Betties, is a group of bada$$ women, says Jordanna, who don’t tailor their choreography to work specifically with little people. So she expects the girls – and Jason – to step up. Jordanna also reminds us repeatedly that she’s a Broadway performer (little NeNe?) so she’s got expectations, yo! Jazmin is concerned with transitioning from business school to performer, and she’s already got the heat on her from sister-in-law Dawn who thinks little people performers drag the entire world of little people back into the dark ages. Besides being cast as an elf, Dawn doesn’t see much of a future in it. Dawn’s brother – Jazmin’s husband – is supportive of her performing dreams, though. So Jazmin agrees to debut her, uh, talents in Jordanna’s show. The group raises their glasses to Jazmin’s new adventure.

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bethenny frankel returns on rhony

Bethenny Frankel has come back home to Real Housewives Of New York, except she’s homeless. Are we even sure she lives in New York City at this point, or does she just live in the scaffolding of her own hubris? Delusionally elevating her to the heights of such paragons as Bill Gates and Oprah, whom Bethenny clarifies would not change their underwear in the back of a town car. Clearly, Bethenny doesn’t really know Oprah. Oprah so would! Martha Stewart on the other hand, she would never be so disorganized as to let the prickly fibers of a polyester seatbelt touch her vagi-steamed nether-regions. 

It’s clear right from the start Bethenny has an agenda on RHONY: to hawk Bethenny products and be the living incarnate of her Skinnygirl brand, but also to regain fan support by selling her old standby woe-is-me victim yarn. This time about her divorce and the horrible being she reproduced with known as Jason Hoppy, whom if she saw on the street she would ignore as a stranger.

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rhobh-recap-lisa-r-dance

Do I have to rehash the deluded behaviors of Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards cause I don’t wanna! I do want to talk about Lisa Rinna‘s “Double-Standard Dance” which needs to become a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills standard. Like, whenever someone is being a hypocritical bitch (aka all the dagone time) just jump up and start wriggling and twisting and gun finger-pointing double-standard dancing. Their faces don’t move so they’ve gotta do something to convey their disgust.

I recant… Eileen Davidson‘s face moves. I’ll add that to my long list of things I love about Eileen. Also, she can drop a read so thick with shade a bitch won’t be able to see the sun for days. Eileen and Phaedra Parks need to start conducting seminars. 

Andy asks Eileen what she was thinking joining RHOBH and she is like uhhhh… well, my life is great, my job is great, I just won an Emmy, and I wanted “a different type of drama” – well she got it! She also got wine thrown in her face and called a beast. Which – let me tell you – Eileen’s “How dare you!” rebuttal to KimKillah over the beast comment was my favorite moment of this season. It was so… Dynasty

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dance moms kalani maddie

 Abby Lee Miller has taken the ALDC back to Los Angeles, which, for us dear viewers, means a week free from Candy Apples scripted craziness. That’s enough for me! It’s the little things. Last night’s episode of Dance Moms begins with the entire troupe in Lala Land, and Melissa brags that MacKenzie was chosen to go with Abby on a recent studio scouting expedition. All of the moms hope that this time on the West Coast will go much more smoothly than the last time. Jill reveals that Kendall wants to work on her music (she’s got the voice for it), and Abby has promised that she will focus on a music video for sweet Kendall. Of course, Jill knows not to rely on what has been said in the past.

At rehearsal, Abby is strangely chipper and excited for this week. Abby is ready to work on Kendall’s dancing, and Jill interrupts to remind her that she’s spread thin as far as contracts and deals go. Abby tersely reminds Jill that she’ll do her best. Holly understands Jill’s struggle (it’s real, y’all), and she apologizes in advance if Nia takes some time away to work on a music video courtesy of Aubrey O’Day. Abby is all kittens, rainbows, and unicorns about Nia’s opportunity, but she reminds her dancers that they have cell phones…if something comes up that she isn’t privy to, they should dial her immediately. Holly gets the message loud and clear, and Jill hopes the women’s relationship is on the mend.

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southern charm shep

Y’all, I just can’t help myself. Like Craig Conover is addicted to VIP status and Shepard “Shep” Rose is addicted to teeth whiting, I have a serious problem when it comes to saying no to Southern Charm.  Cameran Eubanks is spot on with her assessments of things idiots and asshats, and it is fascinating to watch the drama play out between Thomas Ravenel and Kathryn Dennis on every episode knowing that we can catch the live show at any time on any given form of social media! Now, if only we could add some spice to the resident nice girl Landon Clements. Perhaps a seedy after hours encounter with Whitney Sudler-Smith? Nah, she’s far too sweet and likeable for that!

Last night’s episode returns on the heels of last week’s “to be continued” napkin-swatting, roof-raising cliffhanger. Kathryn storms out of Red Drum to Danni’s awaiting car as Thomas heads out to his Edisto plantation to relieve the nanny. The following morning, Craig is playing video games and sucking every last drop out of an Icee pop (breakfast of champions) while ignoring Cameran’s calls. Shep and Whitney are cleaning up after their wild party. Surprisingly (to me, at least), Shep isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty (although the stray boxers on the porch are a lot, even for him). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think Whitney would be quick to play maid…I just didn’t see either one of them lifting a finger to bring the cleanliness of the beach house back to status quo. Shep acknowledges that while he raised in a privileged manner, he still had to clean up his messes. He’s always wearing a Bert’s Market t-shirt which tells me he appreciates a 24-hour convenience store featuring any household item known to man and two crock pots…one full of chili and one full of hot dogs for the best post-Budweiser fueled beach day snack imaginable. Whitney is likely wearing something from Kanye West’s latest collection, but he’s wearing it to be ironic. 

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love hip hop reunion rich amina

Last night was the first part of the Love & Hip Hop reunion, and Mona Scott Young has given up her throne in favor of Nina Parker. Here’s hoping she’s able to bring out the dirt without inciting anyone to physically injure any of their co-stars. I’m not counting on it! Per the usual, it’s a lot of fake hair and dresses for which I would have given my right arm to wear to my junior prom back in the mid-90’s. There have been so many random characters who have appeared this season for no reason, the VH1 crew was probably hard-pressed to find a sofa that fit them all

Luckily, they are one person short, as Erica Mena has decided to forego the festivities. Ahhh, it seems Mona has scored the sit-down with the original franchise’s most volatile cast mate who claims she’s ready to start a new chapter in her life. Erica doesn’t want to risk a setback to her positive life changes, so she’s refusing to take part in the reunion. However, she’s happy to dress as if she’s ready to cut a bitch while wearing a cleavage-friendly sequined semi-formal. Erica believes she’s being very generous by letting CynRich Dollazand Chrissy Monroe have their time without her interrupting. After all, she is their story line. They can make up stories while she continues to prosper. Erica’s volatile relationship with Cyn is showcased, and there are some scenes I would have thought were from last season they took place so long ago. That’s a may be a sign the season played out a little longer than necessary. 

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