Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2continued to mope through the agonies of motherhood – well except for Jenelle Evans who promptly stored 'have a child' in the largely non-functioning corner of her brain (right beside 'multiple arrests, including a felony') and went on as if she had not a care in the world.
Kail Lowry is feuding with Jo over their custody agreement with Isaac. Kail just doesn't see the logic in anyone disagreeing with her, but is meeting in court before a judge. Javi warns her to keep her temper in check. Kail, who spent the day therapeutically painting pottery coasters for the house she hates but is forced to live in because of Jo's selfishness, promises Javi she'll be calm on the stand.
The two meet in court where Kail is hoping her fabulously constructed donut bun will sway the judge in her favor (her dress is cute, so props for that!), but unfortunately due to a jurisdiction error the case was transferred and now will take a couple more months.
Don't you love a good twist? Like a super dishy one? Well last night on Vanderpump Rules we got one!
Let's just cut to the chase – Jax Taylor admitted to banging Kristen Doute, not once – but twice! Oooooohhhhweeeee boy. And one of those bangs happened whileTom 1 (as in Kristen's boyfriend – the she's been freaking out over his cheating all season) was In. The. Next. Room. Say it with me now: escándalo! ES-SCAND-DAL-O!
Of course, one Stassi Schroeder, whose middle name is vendetta and whose first name is legally insane, is furious. She decides it's time to destroy Kristen's life as revenge. Isn't having the whole world know you banged Jax enough?! Apparently not! First order of business: gifting Kristen with a dildo dipped in acid to destroy her insides. Is this woman working for the Taliban yet?! North Korean dictators? I think I found her calling!
But what of Jax, you ask? What terrible fate befalls him? Well, for his honesty he is accepted into the group; folded in like a big ol' piece of cheese wrapped between two buttery warm pieces of bread. Finally – FINALLY – Jax has realized honesty really is the best policy. He gets all the attention he craves and a gold star for truth telling. Are you rolling your eyes? I so am! Apparently Jax is a dirty dog and he can't help his wandering peen, but Kristen she's supposed to be one of Stassi's revolving best friends.
Things begin at Carlton's house, which looks like it sits in an abandoned lot outside the airport. There's no landscaping which sucks if you're inviting a zillion people to a daytime pool party in JULY. I know why Carlton's skin looks like a dehydrated orange peel!
The whole theme of this party is "Americana" except… all the decorations came from Hustler and Carlton wore a sequined bikini from a 1992 Victoria's Secret catalog. And there were no shade tents – we Americans really like covered pavilions. Carlton ships her kids away to their grandmother's and warns them she may embarrass them, which is the understatement of Carlton's appearance on this show. Everything she does is embarrassing!
It's going down I'm yelling "timber!" on Love & Hip Hop as of late. Thankfully, last night marked the end of an extra long season, and man, was it messy! It begins with Erica Mena and Cynshopping for Cyn's pooch and rehashing Rich Dollaz' bad behavior at Erica's book launch. Why can't they all just get along, whines Erica…she just wants Rich and Cyn to be able to be cordial. While Cyn still finds "Bitch Dollaz to be corny as hell" (love it!), she agrees to play nice if he will. Meanwhile, Tara Wallace and Yandy Smith are shopping, and can I say how wonderful Yandy's hair looks? The bob is so sleek. Tara shares Peter Gunz' visit, and she's ready to move on after his apology. Yandy surprises her friend by offering her a role in her new movie.
Rich and Peter are meeting for dinner so that Rich can boo hoo about Erica and Cyn. He reveals that he and Erica have been doing the hippity dippity for the past week and making up for lost time. If Cyn runs her mouth to Rich at Erica's showcase, he has major plans to spill that little secret. He's so klassy. Peter knows that the Erica's show is going to be big…she's got quite a following, even if they are ratchet.
What the hell? Why is Nick Cannon making a cameo? Does he owe Mona money? Peter is seeking advice from Mr. Mariah Carey about his love triangle with Amina and Tara. Nick gives good advice, but I still feel badly that he had to make an appearance on this circus. Isn't Peter old enough to be his dad?
Phaedra Parks and Dwight are hosting their annual 'What the hell is going on but Phaedra certainly never does anything half-assed' celebration. This year it's a naming ceremony for Mr. President.
Dwight really needs to update both his Benz and his facelift – and he also needs to return that blazer to Dorothy Zbornak. Phaedra envisions an "Inaugural Ball" theme for her future leader of the free world. Let's give it up for the first president whose dad is in the slammer. Too soon?
They prance through the grounds discussing their plans for secret service, swing dancers, and miniature tuxedos. And possibly a waterfall-side mother-of-the-president skinny dip twerk. Thankfully that was nixed. These two have such good ideas: are they going to plan a pre-prison inauguration for Apollo before he heads into the Big House?
Last night's Sister Wives once again showed us what a stand-up guy Kody Brown is. Not only does he have those luscious locks, but he's Father of the Year up in here! The episode was quite the downer as he and Christine's daughter was admitted to the emergency room with kidney failure. Thankfully, the little girl is much better now.
Kody and his wives are preparing for their commitment ceremony by buying a ton of flowers for their party. No one is more shocked than Janelle that she's actually looking forward to this celebration. Apparently, all the wives like calla lilies. It's really the only thing they all agree upon…well flowers and Kody. They plan to put a tree on each table as a center piece. Robyn is thrilled by their "Tree of Life" theme. Christine is super excited that the commitment ceremony will also highlight her freakin' family mission statement. Next, the brood moves on to cake tasting. Kody wants to design the cake to look like (drum roll, please!) a tree, and it will only cost the family $8,500, or a semester of college for one of their umpteen kids. Poor Kody mopes about what could have been with his dream confection.
Mariah is heading off to college, so I am sure there will be a lot of tears. As she packs for her adventure, Meri informs the camera crew that she and Kody are going to surprise Mariah with a car, and they will be throwing her a joint going-away/birthday party. How many parties do these people need to have? How much money do they need to spend? Meanwhile, Christine is taking Truely to the pediatrician because she's lethargic and cross-eyed. The doctor sends Christine directly to the emergency room fearful that Truely is suffering from kidney failure. Kody is napping (spending money you don't have is exhausting, y'all!), and Robyn goes to wake him with the news. Kody speeds off to the hospital in his midlife crisis car.
Have you heard? There's a new show called Farrah's Therapy on VH1. It's a cross between Teen Mom Horror Story and Couples (Table For One) Therapy. The star of the show universe, Farrah Abraham, pretends to cry, makes ugly faces, and blames all of her problems on the strangers living in her house, as well as her parents, while a doctor by the name of Jenn Berman enables her.
Seriously, if VH1 wanted to cash in on the tragedy that is Farrah, why not just create a new show around her? Porn Stars Therapy or Celebrity Liars Rehab?
But I digress. It's day five in the Couples Therapy house. Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter watch Backdoor Teen Mom and come to realize it's not a homemade sex tape. Not even close! It's a fully produced porn film. Whitney says she's not judging the Teen Mom star for having sex on camera, as she's been there, done that – but she has zero patience for Farrah's "sex tape" lies.
The ladies of Mob Wives…whatever are we going to do with them? Between the bleeps and the rat accusations and promises of 90's rappers, my head is still spinning from last night's episode!
Drita D'avanzo is back in the studio to work on her music career. Her rap career is really blowing up…according to her. Sure. After hearing two beats from a potential "Mrs. Moneybags" single, Drita is raring to go. She's ready to lay down some rhymes. She freaks out when she learns that Method Man may also be on the track. Are you kidding me? Wu Tang? Please and thank you. I once saw them open for L.L. Cool J. Amazing.
After Alicia diMichele Garofalo's rat accusations last week, Renee Graziano felt targeted. Renee is walking with Big Ang and going off on Alicia's attack on her character. No one is going to call her a rat and get away with it. Ang stays quiet, but you can tell that she doth thinks Renee protest too much. Drita is dining with Alicia, and Drita feels badly about the position in which Alicia finds herself. She's shocked to learn more about Renee knowing so much about Alicia's case. Feeling stuck between her friends, Drita reminds Alicia that whatever Renee said wasn't out of malice. It's the lifestyle. Meanwhile, Ang is trying to placate Renee who is going off the rails. Did someone say her boyfriend smelled delicious again? Renee is cool being called a lot of things, but a snitch isn't one of them. I am getting hoarse just listening to Renee shriek.