Recaps

kristen doute cannot let go of tom sandoval

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused. 

Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!

Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachers Ariana’s bar).

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love hip hop mendeecees yandy

So last night was the return of Love & Hip Hop. Some old favorites returned (along with some of the more unsavory characters) along with a new crew. Joe Budden is gone (at least for now). I’m not sure how I feel about this! I am happy that Mendeecees is out on bail, and Yandy Smith is over the moon to have her fiance back in the free world. Speaking of couples, Erica Mena and Cyn are back together and sharing Chipotle (at least for now). Erica’s even made her breakfast in bed in hopes of convincing her to co-habitate. Cyn is still a bit jealous over Erica’s recent on-air kiss with Lil’ Bow Wow…little does she know! Peter Gunz and Amina Buddafly are back together and expecting a baby girl. Amina is still blinded by love and stupidity for still being with this jack leg. At the ultrasound he mistakes the baby’s leg for a “giant penis” just like his. Good gracious. Amina questions Peter’s recent outings with his sons…he drops his son off at school and then doesn’t return until late at night. #redflag

We meet Diamond Strawberry, and she’s an aspiring model. Oh, and she’s also the daughter of famed baseball player Darryl Strawberry. Diamond wants to pursue her dreams in New York (how else is she going to be on this franchise), but her Los Angeles based family is less than supportive. It’s a sudden and drastic move (per Diamond), but she’s hoping it will bring her closer to her music producer boyfriend Cisco. Cut to Cisco who is in town to wine and dine Diamond and talking about his hustle and his connections. The couple complains about how difficult their long distance relationship is, and Diamond is happy to move to New York after dating for two years. Wait what? Cisco likes the status quo. Sure, Diamond is his one and only…when he’s with her in L.A., but he’s enlisted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” clause in their relationship, and he needs Diamond to abide…and stay on the West Coast.

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nene leakes upset about friendship with cynthia bailey

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta a friendship remained in limbo, a theft occurred, and Cynthia Bailey struggled… 

Things pick up where they left off with NeNe Leakes bursting into tears – I firmly believe it was the false eyelash glue – before bellowing at Cynthia about how she has been scorned, left adrift in a desert of vicious reality television vultures waiting to pick the bones of her success and that she has arisen again like a falcon from the fiery depths of a barren civilization filed with predator silicone monsters in discount Louboutaaaans and the weaves stolen from the corpses of past Housewives but NeNe has praaaaayed for Cynthia’s redemption, but she is nothing but prey for those with agendas to destroy. 

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 my five wives

On last night’s My Five Wives, Paulie’s eldest son Josh leaves for a 2-year mission trip, Robyn shakes up the sleeping schedule with a controversial proposition, and Brady Williams treats Rhonda to a version of National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation for their 15th anniversary.

Because she feels like she can’t connect with Brady in the short time she gets with him every 5 days, Robyn asks if she can have 2 nights in a row with him instead of continue on the 1-night-per-wife rotation. This means that each wife will have to wait 8 days between seeing Brady for their next conjugal “visit.” He seems ok with it, so Robyn’s mission is to now ask the rest of the wives if they’d be on board with each having 2-nights-per-wife going forward. In the interest of less math, we’re going to henceforth call this proposition the TwoPer!

 kourtney-kardashian

This week on Kourtney & Khloe Take the Hamptons, the entire gang is staying at the Hamptons house and man, Kris Jenner is on fire.  She is bitching left and right.  Menopause, maybe? Kim Kardashian is sporting some serious side boob in what I’m pretty sure is a pink leotard.  Yep, a leotard. 

Later that day, Kim, Kourtney and Scott are hanging out on the back deck and Kim blabbers that Khloe needs to drop a few lbs.  Um, whaatttt???  Kim is the LAST person on the planet that should talk about losing lbs.  Kim mentions that she wants a flat ass and Scott chokes on his water mentioning that their huge asses are what keeps the money coming in, so they’ll need to keep them for now.  Kourt is bothered by how irritating Kris is now that she’s been single for awhile and wants to get her dating again to loosen her up a bit.  They’re going to remedy that with a date.  Eeew.

mob wives karen

First, my apologies for the tardiness of the Mob Wives recap. Someone forgot to set the season pass on her DVR. Second, holy craziness, y’all! They are going all out with the drama this season and we’re only two episodes. Wowsers.

Last night began with Karen Gravano in a music studion. No. Just no. Please tell me she’s not making a record! She reveals that she’s ready to move back to New York so she can be closer to Storm and that her daughter is ready to make the move with her. Renee Graziano stops in for a visit, and thankfully we learn that Karen is just listening to music…not making it. The women rant about Drita D’avanzo wanting to crack Renee’s skull because of a rumor started by Natalie Guercio that Renee didn’t even say! What’s worse? Natalie is total cop-caller. You gotta hate a cop caller! Karen reveals that Storm ran into Natalie’s boyfriend London at a night club, and they had a total man conversation about the girls’ drama. I imagine that’s close…I bet they ran into each other at a strip club, Storm bought London a shot, they dished about the rack on the dancing girl while playing a game of “My girlfriend’s crazier than your girlfriend.”

Over drinks, Natalie and London are rehashing Karen’s rat lifestyle. I am so glad I didn’t self-impose a drinking game with the road rat, because I’d be wasted after those fifteen seconds. London reminds Natalie that they are going to have to see these people given they’re on the same show, and he begs her to take the high road. He’s not bothered by Storm. Natalie talks a big game about how she isn’t scared of Karen, but she also used the phrase “beefin’ on social media” so I just can’t take her seriously.

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kyle richards and yolanda foster in mallorca spain

Last night friendship was in the air on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, but you know all that love and bonding and fabulous living comes with a price! 

Kyle Richards is preparing for another family vacation – this time on a 100-foot yacht in Mallorca, Spain. One of Kyle’s daughters is already in the South of France for a week with a friend and will be meeting the family in Spain. “Such is the life!” trills Kyle with faux humility. Kyle’s storyline this season seems to be an inferiority complex about proving she’s rich. Every episode is her pretending to be humble, while covertly bragging about flying private and living luxe but she’s actually squee-ing inside that finally she’s arrived. I’m just waiting to see her in a “Very Rich Bitch” t-shirt ala NeNe Leakes

Before Kyle gets packing she visits to Kim Richards, who is preparing for her daughter Brooke’s wedding and wants to preview her Mother Of The Bride dresses. Everything at Kim’s house is scattered, decorated with rejects from early 90’s TV sets, and filled with deathly ill children – it’s all an evil ploy to make Kyle too sick for Mallorca so Kim can go instead, bond with Yolanda Foster, and cosy up to a wealthy Spanish gentleman! “Lysol – take me away!” Kyle puts her hair around her face like a mask to protect her from the germs. Kim’s dress is lovely – good for her. 

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lhh hollywood princess ray mona

I mean, I don’t know if it’s healthy to have back-to-back nights of any VH1 reunion, but last night’s conclusion to Love & Hip Hop Hollywood left me feeling especially brain dead. Nana seems a bit spent after her twerking shenanigans. Mally Mal is on the stage, and he thinks Masika is a cool chick, but Berg is going to learn soon enough that she’s always after the next best thing. When I close my eyes, Mal’s voice belongs to someone who looks like he could be a character on The Big Bang Theory, not this big guy with the girlishly tweezed eyebrows. Berg warns Uncle Fester to stop talking about him, and Mally puts on his shades and takes off his jacket. It’s the equivalent of a Basketball Wife taking off her heels before going bat shiz cray. Mal and Masika argue over who was using who (whom?) to get on the show. Berg reminds Nikki that he’s the one who got her on the franchise. Masika then reveals that Mally Mal is still in contact with her. 

Thankfully we move onto a more sane story line…and that says a lot given it revolves around Fizz, Moniece and Amanda. Moniece, as calm and composed as she is, is clearly certifiable…and stunningly gorgeous. I love that she’s the most well-spoken person on the show, as well as the craziest. As annoying Amanda tries to explain her behavior, Moniece spouts off a list of her amazing qualities and receives a round of applause from her co-stars. Game, set, match…Moniece. Mona revisits Amanda’s infidelities, and Amanda admits that she fell in love with someone else (the other man) after she broke up with Fizz. Fizz reminds her that they didn’t “break up,” he left her sarong-wearing azz. Dear VH1, please don’t make me watch Nikki trying to eat Fizz’ face again. They’re just friends, y’all. #fakerelationshipbymona

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