Recaps

Little Women: LA Reunion recap

Given the dramatic week we’re all trudging through right now, why not add a little more drama to our lives, courtesy of Lifetime’s feistiest franchise? On last night’s part one of the Little Women: LA reunion, the ladies sit down to rehash their season five beefs with each other, much to the exhaustion of everyone within earshot!

But when Plastic Martyr joins the group to tell “her side of the story,” Briana Renee and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] decide to escape via a secret hatch. Otherwise known as the backstage staircase. Brokedown Bonnie and Clyde are on the run, yo! At least our fearless hero, Kevin Frazier, is back as moderator to keep the craziness in check. #KevinFrazier2020! (Although, question: Why didn’t he bring handcuffs to shackle Matt to the couch for this reunion spot? He knows this dude is an escape artist!)

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Survivor recap

Tuesday was a lot to get through. I don’t care who you voted for (well, I do, but that’s for a different time), but I think everyone can at least agree that they’re glad this long, grueling, contentious, nightmarish election is finally over. Fitting then, that later on the very same day that the election ended, that the theme of the Survivor episode would be unity and trust:  Yes, it was all about merging together…learning to live as one…assimilation. Everybody needs a reason and a chance to unify right now. Can’t we all just get along?

Well, mirroring real life, there is probably a pretty slim chance of that happening. Despite the image of just being one tribe, with 13 players left in the game, as Chris said at Tribal Council, there are 13 different strategies and agendas to get to the end. To win. But even still, until they reach the end, they have to figure out how to make their little community work, despite their beliefs, their gender, their religious background, their sexual orientation, or especially on Survivor, their differences stemming from the generational gap that divides them. There will be no more filibustering here, let’s get to the recap of this all-important #merge episode.

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Jax, Kristen, and Brittany

Welcome back to Vanderpump Rules, where people miraculously age in reverse – but only in their personalities and maturity levels.

Despite our year-long hiatus, little has changed at SUR, the illustrious sur-vers and their counterparts. Kristen Doute and Stassi Schroeder are back in the full-time rotation, to reign supreme over the dysfunction, with Scheana Marie and Katie Maloney their tittering accomplices. Tom 2 is a mere accessory to their life of crime, the teeny dog shoved in a purse to nip and yap occasionally. And everybody still hates Lala Kent!

I don’t know guys – are we really in for another season of mean girls justifying their own behavior by calling the other person mean? It’s like Vanderpump Rules is just an audition for Real Housewives, a job Stassi presumably believes will be hers as soon as she convinces a Hollywood mogul, or rich business man to marry her. Maybe when Lala’s ‘boyfriend,’ the married guy with 35,022 kids who is passing out free Range Rovers on Halloween, ditches that wife of his Stassi can swoop right in?

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real housewives of Orange County reunion
Happy Election Day. Or is it unhappy? What’s more distressing: The 2016 presidential election, or a Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion? I can’t choose who won or lost the debates that happened on Bravo’s biggest stage last night, moderated by Andy Cohen, who believes in hard-hitting journalism – like how did Tamra Judge achieve such a great ass?!

So, I might kinda love Kelly Dodd. Throw me under the bus in Ireland – I don’t care.

Sure, Kelly is crazy and shoots her mouth off, but really – Tamra never met an F-bomb or a crass comment she didn’t like, and Shannon Beador willingly admits being friends with a woman whose “trademark thing” is going around accusing people of “sucking d–k for money,” so what I’m saying is that the high horse bucked y’all off, and told you to get in the donkey pen with the other asses.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion

Last night Real Housewives Of New Jersey got in the wayback machine to travel back in time to give new spins on the same old past. They covered all the classics: Kim D, Posche Fashion Shows (1, 2, & 3), Danielle Staub, Strippergate, Ashlee Holmes, Teresa Giudice‘s fraud case, The Manzo family feud, The Gorgadice family feud, and whose hubby is cheating on whom.

I think Siggy Flicker cried once or twice. Just for some variety.

I don’t know if someone put fire ants in Tereas’s Spanx, or what, but she was on a tear last night. She was right back in the season four reunion, anger brimming over and making a big mess. She certainly let her zen slip, didn’t she?

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Vanderpump Rules Season 4 Cast

Vanderpump Rules returns for its fifth season tonight. That means we’ve endured four seasons of binge drinking, bar fighting, cheating scandals, bad boyfriending, bad girlfriending, bad friending, b’atrocious fashions from bad employees who are slinging shots while slinging mud whilst trying Lisa Vanderpump‘s patience! But success tastes like a Pumptini after a long day at Bravo, so before we head into season five – which promises another wedding with another bad wedding gown – let’s refresh our drink-addled memories with a toast to all the craziness from last season!

Because as unrealistic as it is to imagine 30-something bartenders and waitresses who have not evolved at all in their lives and are still bickering over the same puerile topics, we’re all kinda obsessed with the show. Below is a rundown of Vanderpump Rules biggest dramas and scandals from season 4!

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Porsha Crashes Kenya's Party - Sheree reacts

Only on Bravo would an unfinished mcmansion-off be an important event. And with that subject in mind returns Real housewives Of Atlanta. We have waited for months – and in one case YEARS – to spy the unfinished results of Moore Manor and Chateau Sheree, and finally our prayers have been answered. I was not disappointed.

AlsoSheree Whitfield – do not ever leave me again! She is my all-time favorite Housewife and it feels wonderful to finally come clean about this. LONG LIVE She By SheShade! Sheree was in top-notch form for her anointed return, deftly deflecting Kenya Moore‘s homesteading hostilities with a dismissive side-eye and at one point, a sip of what I do believe was a twenty-two through a straw. You can build a liberry in the ChateauNoNo, but you can’t take the bubbling shade out of our Sheree!

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90 Day Fiance recap

There are two things that frustrate me about 90 Day Fiance: 1) That it is not on every single night of the week, and 2) That the seasons are so flipping short! Because seriously, each couple in this series – past and present – could realistically anchor their very own reality show. It’s a virtual cornucopia of dysfunction up in here! TLC, listen up: We want more. Nay – We need more! Hire more cameramen, give the editors a raise, convince the government to increase the K1 visa from 90 to 400 days. Do what you have to do, people!

Last night, we did get a bit more from “Happily Ever After,” which ended its short season, then followed up with the couples on a “Tell All” reunion afterward. (As usual, we’ll be recapping the current season only – but feel free to comment on 90DF disasters past and present below!) As season four winds down, the fiances are facing reality in varying degrees. But somewhere on the scale of Jorge’s frightening masochism, to Narkyia’s deep delusion, Nicole has found her way to something even more hilarious: Self Righteousness. Yes, she is the tortured victim in her very tiny mind. Danielle 2.0 is following in Danielle 1.0’s footsteps quite nicely, eh?

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