Woohoo! Reality Tea has gotten our K1 Visa approved to recap everyone’s favorite TLC trainwreck of a show: 90 Day Fiance! I got sucked into this unbelievably addictive show last season, and am already yelling at my TV each Sunday night (don’t judge!) as we wade into the season ahead, which promises to bring us more true love stories mixed up with a healthy dose of delusion, disillusionment, and grifting (can anyone say: Mohammed from season 2?). Let’s meet our players for season 3: Melanie and Devar, Mark and Nikki, Josh and Aleksandra, Loren and Alexei, Fernando and Carolina, and Kyle and Noon. Each of these couples must go through the process of bringing their non-US citizen fiancé to the country on a K1 Visa, which gives them exactly 90 days to get married. Let the countdown begin!
In episodes 1 and 2, we were introduced to almost all of the couples (at least in part), with the exception of Fernando and Carolina, who we’ll learn more about tonight. But before then, we pick up with possibly the most disturbing duo of all: 58-year old Mark and 19-year old Filipino native, Nikki. Mark raised four children on his own after his ex-wife, also Filipino, abandoned them years ago. So, he’s looking for love again…with a girl woman who is younger than all of his children, and could even be his grandchild. Mark’s daughter, Elise, thinks he should have a problem with this small little detail. Because she sure does.
Last night’s Sister Wives continued the very anti-climatic adoption adventures of the Brown clan. The adults converge on the cul-de-sac to head to their attorney’s office. Kody Brown explains for the eighty-seventh time why he’s adopting Robyn’s biological children is so important. Robyn is concerned that her kids may have to take the stand in family court and that they won’t realize just how emotional it will be for the grown-ups. Meri discusses her conflicting feelings both before and during the divorce process from Kody. She admits that she’s had some surprising revelations she’s determined to keep hidden for now–Meri wants her focus to be on the adoption.
Madison has an announcement, and she wants to meet with her dad, Janelle, and Christine. She explains that she’s already told her mom her big news, she wants to share it with her father and Christine. She states that while she loves Meri and Robyn, she has a special bond with Christine who was her stay-at-home mom. Madison begins by telling Kody that he’s going to be a grandfather. Stunned, Kody and Christine are silent long enough for Madison to assure them she was just joking. She’s in love, and it’s with someone the family knows. When Madison utters his name, “Caleb Brush,” Christine tackles her from across the room. She LOVES that boy! It’s sweet to see how happy Madison is as well. He’s the brother of her aunt, but not a blood relative. Caleb’s sister was Kody’s late brother’s wife. Christine wants to know if they are going to get married. Kody wants to pump the brakes. Isn’t Caleb ten years older than Madison? Madison reminds her father he’s eleven years older than her mother. She then calls Meri and Robyn over to share her excitement. It is hands down the happiest we’ve seen Meri this season.
It seems like we blinked, and just like that, the finale of the Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa ChecksIn is here. We laughed, we cried. In a brief moral crisis, we wondered why we were laughing and crying (maybe that was just me?). But it all comes to a close now, as Teresa Giudice checks in for the last time on national TV before she is released in December from Danbury Correctional Facility.
Since Teresa has been locked up, Joe Guidice has been running the household. Which means he has been spending 100% of his time trying to control Tropical Storm Milania. After fixing a clogged sink for cutie-patootie Audriana, Joe heads outside where Milania is feeding rocks to the pond fish (because she spilled all of their food on the ground). Gabriellais attempting to discipline Milania, but she gives up quickly, knowing it’s a futile battle. Joe Gorga comments that he has to hand it to Juicy for taking care of these 4 little girls because “they’re not just normal girls; they’re tough!”
So, I’m going to go out on a limb here…Kim Zolciak Biermann wants oldest daughter Brielle to excel in Hollywood (attain her goals with no work, if you will), so she’s decided to make this season of Don’t Be Tardy Brielle’s swan song. Why else would the eighteen-year-old carrot expert and her beau Slade be featured so often? Three seasons from now, it’s going to be all about cursing KJ. The writing is already on the wall people!
Last night’s episode followed Kim and family as they spent the weekend at Slade’s folks’ lake house on Lake Keowee (my stomping ground when I’m home in the Upstate–and my friends with lake houses invite me for an always fun weekend on the water!). Before heading to South Carolina, Kim, who is clearly NOT sporting a new nose…not at all, Brielle and Slade meet with Kim and Kroy to discuss their plans for co-habitating in California. She can’t even make her point before Kroy is dying laughing and Kim saying she won’t fund Brielle giving away her milk for free. Maybe Slade can join her when he pops the question. Silly Kim, Brielle doesn’t drink milk! When she realizes her mother is making a sexual reference, Brielle is grossed out that Slade would want breast milk. Even worse than that statement? Kroy trying to figure out the “why buy the cow” analogy with the help of a producer.
We made it, people! It’s the season 3 finale of Little Women: LA, and all roads lead to Hawaii, where Elena Gantand Preston are poised to renew their vows in front of family and friends. We’ve got an hour and a half episode ahead, so let’s get to it. We pick up right where we left off last week: in the mud. Christy McGinity and Briana Manson are facing off about Briana’s secret marriage to Matt. Terra Jole jumps in, followed by Tonya Banks, both calling Briana out on her dishonesty. Since Briana lied to them for so long, they all feel like their friendship with her has imploded. Plus, obvi, they still have issues with Matt. “He cheated on you and you’re okay with that!” Terra yells at Briana. “She must look at that picture a lot,” Matt snarks to Briana as Terra goes on and on. Terra thinks Briana is clearly being taken advantage of.
Matt goes sideways with his next comment, writing off the ladies’ rant as, “Three b*tches, talking sh*t.” Shots fired, yo! Shots fired! Upon hearing these words, Tonya immediately snaps back into fighting mode, but asks Jaa if he’s going to defend her before she jumps into the fray. No, Jaa is not. Terra stands her ground, telling Matt he can call her a b*tch all day, but he’s the real a$$hole. “Shut up, Matt! You’re so f**king annoying!” screams Christy. Matt reacts by mimicking her back, just like any evolved 12-year old grown man would.
“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat!
As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)
As far as Real Housewives Of Orange County reunions go this one was very calculated. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved – BECAUSE IN MANY WAYS IT SO WAS – but it was abundantly clear the ladies conspired to ‘stick together’ and focus all the animosity on Vicki Gunvalson. The ladies definitely leveraged their ‘fake friendship kumbaya’ routine to take-on Vicki as a unified group.
And why do I have an inkling that all these new-found best friendships of the RHOC, centered around ‘Vile Vicki‘, are completely fake and next season will be exploding in everyone’s faces? Meanwhile Tamra Judge and Vicki will become each other’s Friendship Warriors once again.
Andy, sensing the Confusion By Satan creepy calm, quizzes Vicki about how many Xanax she took. Vicki insists, “I don’t have anything in me by water and coffee.” Which equals Vicki being full of shit! Or she’ll be pissing the sofa to mark her territory as OG of The OC. Who knows – maybe she’s scored an endorsement deal for Puppy Pads?
Is the royal court of RT ready? Let’s do this! On last night’s Ladies of London, the cougar comments aimed at Baroness Caroline Fleming at last week’s bowling party have landed Marissa Hermer in the hot seat. Since Caroline’s reaction to Marissa’s gauche behavior was to royally ice her out, how does Marissa know Caroline is truly upset, we wonder? From a hot bath, of course! Taken with one “Loose Lips” Julie Montagu, who just can’t seem to keep a lid on the gossip swirling around her exhausted, addled head. Meanwhile, Caroline Stanbury is trying to rally after accepting the bitter truth about her failed business, the Gift Library. And Annabelle Neilson displays her #uppercrustcred as the group goes out for an old fashioned pheasant shoot – rifles, dogs, wellies, and all!
We begin with Sophie Stanbury and Julie as they’re shopping for the pheasant shoot Julie’s hosting. Although she married into aristocracy, which comes with shooting parties and lots o’ meat-eating, Julie is an American vegetarian who doesn’t fit the “Lady” mold – nor does she aspire to. Juliet Angus joins the ladies to get her outfit together. Sophie claims the shoot is a very civilized event and they’ve got to look every bit the part. It’s tweeds and wellies and…oh, who the frig knows? Shooting parties are hard to come by here in the States, after all. Since someone’s gotta keep the drama train chugging along, Juliet tries to bring up Marissa’s cougar comments from bowling night, but Sophie shuts her down before she can spill any tea.