Sigh – Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is always one step forward; two steps back. Last night, the ladies journeyed halfway across the globe, from Beverly Hills to Hong Kong, only to find themselves mired in the same old “who said it” drama. Well, it’s good to change it up a bit and fight in new settings, and the gorgeous scenery did not disappoint.
It’s a fourteen-hour flight, which means one could find themselves trapped on an airplane using Kyle Richards‘ hair kaftan as a blanket (or parachute!), or being bored to death by Eileen Davidson discussing trans-particle fusion as applied to soap villainesses and their cognitive dissonance coping skills.
Terra Jole came back to reality on last night’s Little Women: LA, and that reality was filled with health problems and broken friendships. As Terra prepares for hernia surgery, Christy McGinity Gibel begins the slow process of recovering from neck surgery – including complications which resulted in a mini-stroke. Sadly, the group is so fractured at this point, they can barely support Terra or Christy in their time of need, focusing instead on their resentments and anger. Case in point: Briana Renee and Elena Gant.
Terra returns home after her press junket, which followed elimination from Dancing With the Stars. Tonya Banks has been Terra’s sole support system throughout her stint on the show, while Joe Gnoffo has basically been imprisoned with their two children (he can’t leave the house with them, given his own health challenges). After coming home, Joe admits he’s glad DWTS is over. Terra admits she placed a ton of pressure on him to single-parent their kids while she was gone, but now she has to face the music – motherhood and hernia surgery.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?
Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.
Tonight’s episode of Teen Mom 2 is setting us up nicely for the season finale next week. Chelsea Houska and Cole DeBoer are getting hitched, Leah Messer is going back to school, Jenelle Evans is still battling mom Barb in court for custody of Jace and Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin are still in the miserable stage of getting divorced, with no end in sight. So let’s get this recap on the road!
Chelsea is going to get her marriage license in Nebraska and is pretty excited to be a wife. As she shares that with her mom and Aubree over lunch, her mom ruins it by telling Aubree that Cole will officially be her dad now. A confused Aubree asks how he can be her dad when she already has a deadbeat one (OK I added the deadbeat part) and Chelsea insists her mother stop. Instead, her mom takes it up a notch and asks Aubree if she calls Cole dad. Aubree gets annoyed and who could blame her. These are questions she should be handling on her own and it’s not up to anyone else to pressure Aubree into defining her relationships with the adults in her life.
The problem is Porsha told a lie. She told a really damning and smearing lie. While lying is no new thing to this show (and it is amusing that Kenya Moore, who has told more falsehoods than Pinocchio, is the most enraged about Porsha’s lie), Porsha has told a lie that could potentially have legal ramifications or ruin Kandi’s reputation. The worst though is that Porsha doesn’t seem bothered by that, and doesn’t seem to get how bad this is. Nor does she seem bothered that Kandi is so upset. Which is especially disconcerting considering that Porsha and Kandi were once close friends.
Not everybody is a fan of returning player seasons, and I get the reasoning. There are so many people out there just clamoring for an opportunity to play Survivor, why not give new faces a chance? And while that’s a fair argument, there’s a special joy in getting to watch your favorite players play the game again, or to watch legends go head-to-head. These sort of showdowns have produced some of the absolute best moments in the game’s history, and unarguably some of the very best seasons (Fans vs. Favorites and Heroes vs. Villains come to mind). As Survivor kicked off its 34th Season Wednesday night – “Survivor: Game Changers,” featuring 20 returning contestants – we were given another such epic showdown, between the self-proclaimed King and Queen of Survivor, which resulted in a somewhat shocking and satisfying start to what looks to be a promising season.
There’s a lot to get to, so get caught up first by reading my previous article, “Survivor: Game Changers – Everything You Need to Know” and then be warned that if you read any further than this very paragraph, that the events of the Premiere Episode will get spoiled for you. You’ve been warned! Now like a bug caught in Sandra’s hair, let’s let loose this Recap!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE, AND THIS IS YOUR LAST *SPOILER* WARNING!
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, “we” had a baby (we’re included in this “we” because at this point we’re all basically Kim and KyleRichards‘ celestial family in twisted sister drama). “We” also planned a trip to Hong Kong to rescue dogs, and we also got our laps squished by an Instagram personality and his giant bottle of rosé.
Where I will let Kyle stand alone is in that awful dress she wore to the Kyle By AleneTwo book signing event. At least Eden Sassoon got the message and wore a kaftan. And Lisa Rinna, well she and her diarrhea stayed home. Erika Girardi also went home – on a private jet with a glam squad. I don’t know why Erika doesn’t cry more often because she has such a pretty cry face!
But first, we are forced to follow Briana and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] – who, in case he isn’t gross enough, now has GOUT – to the gym. Outfitted in her “Fit & Fierce” tank top, Briana does her best to focus on all things Briana – like her music career, which is currently stalled because this chick cannot sing. She just needs a better voice coach, yo! What does Matt want, you wonder? Well, since his whole body is his “instrument” <dry heave> he wants to use said instrument to become an MMA fighter. At 40. With GOUT. “I’m sorry that your life isn’t enough for you,” snarks Briana. (Shouldn’t she just be glad he’s not sexting his other instrument clear across the nation anymore? Hmm?)